Winston: Wow. Check this out. Coach and May's foreign exchange student just added me as a friend. Montsie. His name is Montsie.
Nick: I didn't know they had a foreign exchange student.
Winston: I didn't know they moved to North Carolina.
Nick: Neither did I. [both laugh]
Schmidt: They moved to North Carol... what? How did none of us know about this? How is that possible?
Nick: Eh, they moved. It happened.
Schmidt: We need to make more of an effort. We don't even know that our friend has moved to a different state.
Winston: I mean, we're still friends. We just have nothing to do with each other.
Schmidt: This doesn't bother you?
Nick: Realistically, we'll probably see 'em two or three more times before we die. And it's sad, but it's also not that sad.
Schmidt: What?
Nick: Who cares? What's for dinner?

Winston: Mmm. I really hate these things. I just can't stop eating 'em.
Nick: I got to say, the taste is average, but the aftertaste is outstanding.
Schmidt: What happens when I'm just an outstanding aftertaste?
Nick: Hmm?
Schmidt: When I move out, are you guys gonna forget about me like Coach? This loft is what tethers us together. And once it's gone, we're gonna be spread across the Earth like Rod Stewart's offspring.
Winston: What I'm gonna miss most about you is all this poetry.

Nick: I'm out! Like my mother says at every party she goes to, "No one touches my purse."

Reagan: Okay, are you absolutely sure that this is the way to go? Can't we get our hands on, like, a water polo team? Or hire escorts? Or call in a bomb threat to the audition.
Jess: In this political environment? Oh, I'm nervous even saying it.

Reagan: The line between what we're doing and being creepy is so thin.

Schmidt: I just mean, like, a shared experience, one that bonds us together.
Nick: I've been saying this for the longest time, but I'm really ready to get super weird into metal detectors if you guys are.
Schmidt: That's, sure, that's one idea.
Nick: You can look for treasure. Nickels, dimes, quarters. If you find enough, um, said treasure or change, supplement your income. It's also entertaining. While looking, there's, uh, an endorphin rush. It's entertainment, it's income... uh, ritual.

Cece: And this is a huge deal! It's the Sausage Crunchies account!
Reagan: Why would a dog food company be interested in a bunch of hot models?
Cece: Oh, no, it's, uh...
Nick: No, no, no. Sausage Crunchies are people food. They're like brown cheese snacks.
Winston: Yeah, it's like space food. I-I put them in soup.

Jess: You concentrate on Donovan. I'll go see if I can drum up some new clients.
Cece: Very sweet, but the audition is in six hours from now. So we have no time to look for new clients.
Reagan: Well, recruiting is just like sales, I mean selling a job is just like selling drugs. I do that every day.
Cece: Are you offering to help, too?
Reagan: Honestly, I wasn't. But based on how intensely you're staring at me, I guess I've boxed myself into a corner here, so...

Jess: Okay. You concentrate on Donovan. We'll get the models. Heads in, guys.
Cece: What?
Reagan: "Heads in"?
Cece: No. It's "hands in."
Jess: I'm pretty sure it's "heads in."
Schmidt: What are we supposed to do? Smoosh our heads together?
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Everybody. Hands in.

Schmidt: No, no, no. You know what, do not give up on us already. We just need to find something that keeps us together. Like a dark secret or a time-share.
Nick: You know, it was easier when men went to war. You'd forge an unbreakable bond in a crucible of blood and pain. You can't get that splitting the cost of toilet paper.
Schmidt: We just need to come up with some sort of ritual.
Winston: Yes! Now you're thinking. We stand in a circle, right? We burn chicken bones, all right?
Schmidt: Dear Lord, Winston.
Winston: Then we're just secretive about it.
Nick: This is the wrong ritual...
Winston: I'm just saying no one knows about it.
Schmidt: I didn't literally mean a ritual.