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‘Bad in Bed’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

New Girl: Bad in Bed

108. Bad in Bed

Aired December 6, 2011

Jess is nervous about sleeping with Paul because she's only been with Spencer for the last six years. Meanwhile, Nick is uncomfortable getting a haircut, and Schmidt invites himself to his boss's baby shower.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [British accent] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Cece: Why are we here?
Jess: You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
Jess: It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

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Quote from Paul

Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years, and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.
Paul: Don't worry about it. I'm good. I'm more than good. It's okay.
Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night. Let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. [makes explosion noise]
Paul: I would have the... P-bomb, right?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys, I don't have much time. Can we get this back on track? I need to know what to do. Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: No!
Winston: Absolutely not.
Schmidt: How about role play? Do you know any voices?
Jess: Yes. I can do an old-timey newscaster, like, "Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?"

Quote from Nick

Old Customer: Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise. [laughing] Where the penthouse at?
Nick: Hey, old man, what, did you steal those pants off of Danny Glover's grandfather? [Nick laughing]
Old Customer: I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
Nick: I'm a big fan of his work. He's great in the Lethal Weapons.
Old Customer: No, I'm not. [laughing]

Quote from Jess

Jess: [to herself in the mirror] Hey, tiger. You're having sex tonight. Don't give me that look, just do it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] Yes, I'm confirming the appointment. I made the damn appointment. That's what. Why wouldn't... Yeah, okay. Appointment confirmed. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up] Yeah, there's not a chance I'm going.
Schmidt: Can you not do this to yourself? Look at your hair, you look ridiculous.
Nick: What am I supposed to talk about for an hour?
Winston: It's a haircut.
Nick: No, you're trapped. You can't move, and they're standing behind you with their hands in your hair, and they expect you to talk back.
[flashback to Nick in the barber's chair, as a man fixes his hair and a woman leans in to show her phone:]
Nick: Oh, yeah, it's your baby. He's cute. Yeah, your baby's cute.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, Nick? It's a haircut! Human interaction. You're a bartender, you talk to strangers every single day.
Nick: I don't like when they touch my head, Winston. I don't like it.
Winston: Go to the damn salon!
Nick: No, it's fine, okay? I'm learning how to do it myself. I'm learning from this video. [man on video screams]
Winston: Oh!
Nick: Oh, my God, man! I was wondering why it had so many views.
Winston: Let's watch it again.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I just, I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it. I'm freaking out, okay? I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed, right now.
Winston: What do you want to know?
Jess: Okay. Um, when you're... if you're in the... if you're holding the... Start over. Um... when you reach... completion...
Nick: Yeah, that was it.
Winston: Completion?
Jess: No! No, wait.
Nick: I can't do this, Jess.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Jess, guys want to be whisked away. They want to be enchanted.
Nick: Just take your clothes off, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that?
Schmidt: All the time.
Nick: For sure.
Winston: Probably watching it right now.
Jess: Really? Okay. I put this on mute, because this girl's... like, pretty loud. And, um, my main thing that I took away was, gosh, that young lady can really multitask.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Winston and I...
Winston: Don't want to be a part of this.
Schmidt: ...we're sushi.

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