Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Bad in Bed’ Quotes

New Girl: Bad in Bed

108. Bad in Bed

Aired December 6, 2011

Jess is nervous about sleeping with Paul because she's only been with Spencer for the last six years. Meanwhile, Nick is uncomfortable getting a haircut, and Schmidt invites himself to his boss's baby shower.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [British accent] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Cece: Why are we here?
Jess: You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
Jess: It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

Rate

Quote from Paul

Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years, and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.
Paul: Don't worry about it. I'm good. I'm more than good. It's okay.
Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night. Let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. [makes explosion noise]
Paul: I would have the... P-bomb, right?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, guys, I don't have much time. Can we get this back on track? I need to know what to do. Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: No!
Winston: Absolutely not.
Schmidt: How about role play? Do you know any voices?
Jess: Yes. I can do an old-timey newscaster, like, "Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?"

Quote from Jess

Jess: [to herself in the mirror] Hey, tiger. You're having sex tonight. Don't give me that look, just do it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] Yes, I'm confirming the appointment. I made the damn appointment. That's what. Why wouldn't... Yeah, okay. Appointment confirmed. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up] Yeah, there's not a chance I'm going.
Schmidt: Can you not do this to yourself? Look at your hair, you look ridiculous.
Nick: What am I supposed to talk about for an hour?
Winston: It's a haircut.
Nick: No, you're trapped. You can't move, and they're standing behind you with their hands in your hair, and they expect you to talk back.
[flashback to Nick in the barber's chair, as a man fixes his hair and a woman leans in to show her phone:]
Nick: Oh, yeah, it's your baby. He's cute. Yeah, your baby's cute.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, Nick? It's a haircut! Human interaction. You're a bartender, you talk to strangers every single day.
Nick: I don't like when they touch my head, Winston. I don't like it.
Winston: Go to the damn salon!
Nick: No, it's fine, okay? I'm learning how to do it myself. I'm learning from this video. [man on video screams]
Winston: Oh!
Nick: Oh, my God, man! I was wondering why it had so many views.
Winston: Let's watch it again.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I just, I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it. I'm freaking out, okay? I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed, right now.
Winston: What do you want to know?
Jess: Okay. Um, when you're... if you're in the... if you're holding the... Start over. Um... when you reach... completion...
Nick: Yeah, that was it.
Winston: Completion?
Jess: No! No, wait.
Nick: I can't do this, Jess.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Jess, guys want to be whisked away. They want to be enchanted.
Nick: Just take your clothes off, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that?
Schmidt: All the time.
Nick: For sure.
Winston: Probably watching it right now.
Jess: Really? Okay. I put this on mute, because this girl's... like, pretty loud. And, um, my main thing that I took away was, gosh, that young lady can really multitask.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Winston and I...
Winston: Don't want to be a part of this.
Schmidt: ...we're sushi.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: So you guys really think you're better at sex than me.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Absolutely. What did you do after you lost your virginity? What did you say to me?
Nick: Don't say that right now. You're taking it out of context.
Winston: He said, "Winston, is it okay that I didn't get my pants all the way off?"
Schmidt: That's a true story. That really happened.
Nick: I was 16 years old. And I've gotten a lot better.
Schmidt: You haven't gotten that much better. I used to listen to you and Caroline all the time in college. It was like listening to a rescue crew trying to communicate with a stranded miner. "Are you okay?" "Yeah. Are you okay?" "Yeah."

Quote from Paul

Paul: Oh, okay. You want me to do... you're doing a voice. You want me to do a voice? Okay, um... Well, I'm so happy to be here! Jimmy Stewart? [as Jimmy Stewart] You look ravishing in your... netting...
Jess: Thank you very much.
Paul: ...contraption.

Quote from Paul

Paul: You want me to wiggle it around?
Jess: How about you help me get a little more comfortable?
Paul: Oh. Oh, all right, dear. Okay, I just don't know...
Jess: I'm going to try something different.
Paul: Oh. Okay, great.
Jess: [imitates old woman] Young man! Young man, the things I'm gonna do to you!
Paul: Well, I can't wait to...
Jess: Young man, don't take all day.
Paul: Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but you're wearing chain mail here.
Jess: I am not getting any younger.
Paul: It's like an erotic rope course.

Quote from Paul

Paul: See? So nice. [choking] So nice... Ah, you're hurting me.
Jess: Oh, my God!
Paul: [gasping]
Jess: Oh, God. Are you okay?
Paul: Oh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good! [gasping]
Jess: Let me get you some water.
Paul: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get some water at home. I-I have good water at home.
Jess: No, no, no, I have water here.
Paul: I have a filter, it's a special ionized filter... I got at home.

Quote from Paul

Paul: So, last night was, um...
Jess: No, I'm so sorry.
Paul: No, no, don't, please...
Jess: Unacceptable.
Paul: I'm really intimidated by you, Jess. You're so experienced, and I've never done any of that stuff, that S and M style... bondage stuff. It scares me a little, but I... want to do it, because I know that you're into it. Just please be gentle with me at first, okay? I really like you.
Jess: Really?
Paul: Yeah, I do. And nothing else matters. Except, just... no fire, and no handcuffs, please. Please, please, please. Okay? And I'm allergic to felt. And most polyurethanes. Okay, well, that's it. And no bugs, too, I don't know if that was...

Quote from Nick

Old Customer: Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise. [laughing] Where the penthouse at?
Nick: Hey, old man, what, did you steal those pants off of Danny Glover's grandfather? [Nick laughing]
Old Customer: I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
Nick: I'm a big fan of his work. He's great in the Lethal Weapons.
Old Customer: No, I'm not. [laughing]


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode