Jess: [British accent] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Cece: Why are we here?
Jess: You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
Jess: It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

Jess: I just haven't had sex with anyone but Spencer in six years, and I get so nervous. It's like starting a new job with a really weird interview.
Paul: Don't worry about it. I'm good. I'm more than good. It's okay.
Jess: You know what? Tomorrow night. Let's just go out to dinner and then just nail each other. Just pound each other. V-bomb on the P-bomb. [makes explosion noise]
Paul: I would have the... P-bomb, right?

Jess: Hey, guys, I don't have much time. Can we get this back on track? I need to know what to do. Would flicking be, like, a cool thing?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: No!
Winston: Absolutely not.
Schmidt: How about role play? Do you know any voices?
Jess: Yes. I can do an old-timey newscaster, like, "Hey there, son, I'm gonna kick you into next Tuesday, see?"

Old Customer: Boy, your haircut look like a high-rise. [laughing] Where the penthouse at?
Nick: Hey, old man, what, did you steal those pants off of Danny Glover's grandfather? [Nick laughing]
Old Customer: I am Danny Glover's grandfather.
Nick: I'm a big fan of his work. He's great in the Lethal Weapons.
Old Customer: No, I'm not. [laughing]

Jess: [to herself in the mirror] Hey, tiger. You're having sex tonight. Don't give me that look, just do it.

Nick: [on the phone] Yes, I'm confirming the appointment. I made the damn appointment. That's what. Why wouldn't... Yeah, okay. Appointment confirmed. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up] Yeah, there's not a chance I'm going.
Schmidt: Can you not do this to yourself? Look at your hair, you look ridiculous.
Nick: What am I supposed to talk about for an hour?
Winston: It's a haircut.
Nick: No, you're trapped. You can't move, and they're standing behind you with their hands in your hair, and they expect you to talk back.
[flashback to Nick in the barber's chair, as a man fixes his hair and a woman leans in to show her phone:]
Nick: Oh, yeah, it's your baby. He's cute. Yeah, your baby's cute.

Winston: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing, Nick? It's a haircut! Human interaction. You're a bartender, you talk to strangers every single day.
Nick: I don't like when they touch my head, Winston. I don't like it.
Winston: Go to the damn salon!
Nick: No, it's fine, okay? I'm learning how to do it myself. I'm learning from this video. [man on video screams]
Winston: Oh!
Nick: Oh, my God, man! I was wondering why it had so many views.
Winston: Let's watch it again.

Jess: I just, I have to go on this date right now and I can't do it. I'm freaking out, okay? I need all of you to sit in front of me and tell me what guys like in bed, right now.
Winston: What do you want to know?
Jess: Okay. Um, when you're... if you're in the... if you're holding the... Start over. Um... when you reach... completion...
Nick: Yeah, that was it.
Winston: Completion?
Jess: No! No, wait.
Nick: I can't do this, Jess.

Schmidt: Jess, guys want to be whisked away. They want to be enchanted.
Nick: Just take your clothes off, Jess.
Jess: Do you think that Paul watches stuff like that?
Schmidt: All the time.
Nick: For sure.
Winston: Probably watching it right now.
Jess: Really? Okay. I put this on mute, because this girl's... like, pretty loud. And, um, my main thing that I took away was, gosh, that young lady can really multitask.

Schmidt: Nick is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. Winston and I...
Winston: Don't want to be a part of this.
Schmidt: ...we're sushi.