Schmidt: Okay, neither of you are coming. I've been studying up for a full week. I can actually speak conversational Hindi. If that conversation is, "Hello." "Hello." "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." "More towels?" "Do you know where the white person's toilet is?" After that, it gets very confusing.
Nick: Can you drive in that dress?
Schmidt: You're right, I can't. All right, you're driving. Let's go.

Cece: You told me you had moved on.
Schmidt: Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl.
Cece: Please leave.
Schmidt: You and I not being together does not make sense to me. I miss your body and the things I used to do to it.
Cece: Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm talking about sex.
Cece: Today is about me finding someone within my own culture that I can build my life with. It's about more than sex.
Schmidt: Our sex was about more than sex. It was about history and memory and thousands of years of colonial suffering all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy.
Cece: Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, "Blammo, that happened"?
Schmidt: Blammo.

Cece: Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been just a little bit of a mistake with the tables.
Anu: Over 30, no advanced degrees, Table 34.
Cece: No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. I'm not famous or anything, but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. [chuckles]
Anu: Definitely Table 34.

Schmidt: Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! You know, when I came here today, I thought India was a pretty cool country. You guys are obviously smart. You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. But what I didn't know is that you're a country full of blind idiots.
Cece: Oh, God.
Schmidt: Because in your midst walks a brown angel. That woman. Right there. I may be an idiot, but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. You people could've had it all. And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. Get your crap together, India. Schmidt out!

Winston: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk.
Winston: Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. You hear that? Pretty good!
Nick: This is important.
Winston: And I ain't even use my hands.
Nick: You didn't use your hands?
Winston: Well, just I did a lot of side stuff.
Nick: Okay, Winston, you're killing me. I really need to talk to you, and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you.
Winston: Well, I got my mojo back, baby! I'm the Mojo Man! Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that.
Nick: Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we?
Winston: Mo-Mo-Mojo Man.

Jess: I got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed me! I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say?
Cece: I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour.
Jess: And now he won't even talk to me, 'cause I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me.
Cece: He what?
Jess: He does that sometimes.
[flashback to Jess reading a magazine in the loft:]
Jess: Man. Terrorism. [Nick moonwalks away]

Cece: How was it? Was it?
Jess: I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress.
Cece: How did he do it?
Jess: He just, like, grabbed me.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Jess: And he just took me.
Cece: Oh, yeah.
Jess: I mean, he was a man and I was a woman.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jess: It was firm, but tender.
Cece: Oh, damn.
Jess: Yeah, I mean, I saw through space and time for a minute, but that's not the point.
Cece: Oh, man!
Jess: Are you okay?
Cece: I miss sex! I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month.

Schmidt: Cece is going to an Indian marriage convention today to find herself a brown husband. Now, little does she know that I have signed up for the same convention. Gentlemen, there is nothing that says white men need not apply.
Winston: You look like the fortune teller in Big.
Nick: Wait a second, is it in the loft?
Schmidt: Yes, Nick. The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, is in our loft.

Cece: What the hell are you guys doing here? You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you. [to the receptionist] Hello. I'd like to check in with my two friends here. Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, because I read the website vigorously, kumari.
Cece: Oh, God.
Schmidt: That means "miss." My friend right there? Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer."
Nick: I dropped out of ka-heel school.
Schmidt: It's vakeel, man.

Winston: Nick, Nick. N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? Stop moonwalking, man. Man, you have been weird all morning.
Nick: Hey, look, I kissed Jess. Say what you're gonna say. [Winston punches Nick in the groin] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoo! I thought that's what you were gonna say.
Winston: I don't want a new roommate.
Nick: Look, don't- She's not moving out.
Winston: I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! I'm talking about you. When this thing blows up in your face - and it will blow up in your face, Nick - you're the one moving out. You think I like living with you? You have centipedes living under your bed!
Nick: Those weren't centipedes.
Winston: You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon.
Nick: Yeah, so what? I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking?
Nick: Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything.
Winston: Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right?
Nick: All right. That's what I'm gonna do. [Winston punches Nick in the groin again] Oh, my Sharon!