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‘Table 34’ Quotes

New Girl: Table 34

216. Table 34

Aired February 5, 2013

Jess and Nick try to avoid each other after their kiss, but they end up attending an Indian singles event with Cece and Schmidt.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, neither of you are coming. I've been studying up for a full week. I can actually speak conversational Hindi. If that conversation is, "Hello." "Hello." "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." "More towels?" "Do you know where the white person's toilet is?" After that, it gets very confusing.
Nick: Can you drive in that dress?
Schmidt: You're right, I can't. All right, you're driving. Let's go.

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Quote from Schmidt

Cece: You told me you had moved on.
Schmidt: Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl.
Cece: Please leave.
Schmidt: You and I not being together does not make sense to me. I miss your body and the things I used to do to it.
Cece: Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm talking about sex.
Cece: Today is about me finding someone within my own culture that I can build my life with. It's about more than sex.
Schmidt: Our sex was about more than sex. It was about history and memory and thousands of years of colonial suffering all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy.
Cece: Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, "Blammo, that happened"?
Schmidt: Blammo.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Hi, excuse me, I think that there's been just a little bit of a mistake with the tables.
Anu: Over 30, no advanced degrees, Table 34.
Cece: No, see, actually, I'm-I'm a professional model. I'm not famous or anything, but I was in Lil Wayne's last video. I was the girl he was throwing strawberries at in slow motion. [chuckles]
Anu: Definitely Table 34.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up! You know, when I came here today, I thought India was a pretty cool country. You guys are obviously smart. You l-looked at the roof of a bus and you said, "That's not just a roof, that's more seating." Kal Penn, he's a genius. Thank you for him. But what I didn't know is that you're a country full of blind idiots.
Cece: Oh, God.
Schmidt: Because in your midst walks a brown angel. That woman. Right there. I may be an idiot, but I'm smart enough to know what I lost. You people could've had it all. And you shoved her over there at a table with Nick. Get your crap together, India. Schmidt out!

Quote from Winston

Winston: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Winston, I'm glad you're here. We need to talk.
Winston: Yeah. Daisy said I was pretty good. You hear that? Pretty good!
Nick: This is important.
Winston: And I ain't even use my hands.
Nick: You didn't use your hands?
Winston: Well, just I did a lot of side stuff.
Nick: Okay, Winston, you're killing me. I really need to talk to you, and now after hearing that, I can barely look at you.
Winston: Well, I got my mojo back, baby! I'm the Mojo Man! Mojo Man, Mojo Man. I like the sound of that.
Nick: Yeah, we're not gonna be getting to my thing, are we?
Winston: Mo-Mo-Mojo Man.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I got to tell Sam. I can't tell Sam! I didn't even do anything wrong! Nick kissed me! I didn't even kiss him back! Okay, fine! I kissed him back! Is that what you want me to say?
Cece: I literally haven't said a word for, like, over an hour.
Jess: And now he won't even talk to me, 'cause I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me.
Cece: He what?
Jess: He does that sometimes.
[flashback to Jess reading a magazine in the loft:]
Jess: Man. Terrorism. [Nick moonwalks away]

Quote from Cece

Cece: How was it? Was it?
Jess: I was like Scarlett O'Hara in my freaking curtain dress.
Cece: How did he do it?
Jess: He just, like, grabbed me.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Jess: And he just took me.
Cece: Oh, yeah.
Jess: I mean, he was a man and I was a woman.
Cece: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Jess: It was firm, but tender.
Cece: Oh, damn.
Jess: Yeah, I mean, I saw thorough space and time for a minute, but that's not the point.
Cece: Oh, man!
Jess: Are you okay?
Cece: I miss sex! I've been on dates set up by my mother for the past month.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece is going to an Indian marriage convention today to find herself a brown husband. Now, little does she know that I have signed up for the same convention. Gentlemen, there is nothing that says white men need not apply.
Winston: You look like the fortune teller in Big.
Nick: Wait a second, is it in the loft?
Schmidt: Yes, Nick. The West Coast's premiere Indian singles event, where 300 eligible Rajput Indians get together to see if they should get arranged-married to each other, is in our loft.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: What the hell are you guys doing here? You look like a character from The Love Guru.
Schmidt: Aw, thank you. [to the receptionist] Hello. I'd like to check in with my two friends here. Look, we are not Indian, but you cannot turn us away, because I read the website vigorously, kumari.
Cece: Oh, God.
Schmidt: That means "miss." My friend right there? Yeah, he's a vakeel. That means "lawyer."
Nick: I dropped out of ka-heel school.
Schmidt: It's vakeel, man.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Nick, Nick. N-N-N-Nick, what are you doing? Stop moonwalking, man. Man, you have been weird all morning.
Nick: Hey, look, I kissed Jess. Say what you're gonna say. [Winston punches Nick in the groin] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoo! I thought that's what you were gonna say.
Winston: I don't want a new roommate.
Nick: Look, don't- She's not moving out.
Winston: I'm not talking about her. Hell no, not her! I'm talking about you. When this thing blows up in your face - and it will blow up in your face, Nick - you're the one moving out. You think I like living with you? You have centipedes living under your bed!
Nick: Those weren't centipedes.
Winston: You've named your testicles, and they're both named Sharon.
Nick: Yeah, so what? I can't believe you kissed Jess! Man, what were you thinking?
Nick: Look, man, I wasn't thinking anything.
Winston: Nick, just apologize and make it right, all right?
Nick: All right. That's what I'm gonna do. [Winston punches Nick in the groin again] Oh, my Sharon!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Table 34! We're at the same table!
Cece: So this is rock bottom.
Nick: I mean, call me crazy, but I think we're all getting married tonight.
Cece: Yeah, um...
Nick: The money table right here, Table 34!

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: Hey! M. Night Shyamalan. I got a twist ending... Shut up!
Man: What do you want, Table Seven?
Cece: Schmidt, just talk to your girl.
Woman: Hi!
Schmidt: You better watch it, buddy. 'Cause I will, I will Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here. I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.

Quote from Cece

Cece: You know why we're at Table 34?
Nick: 'Cause we're both bad at life, but we have model good looks.
Cece: It's 'cause we don't think things through. You didn't think it through when you kissed Jess. She told me. It's like we just make these impulsive decisions, and all we end up doing is hurting other people.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Sam, hear me out. I kissed her, okay? She didn't kiss me. It didn't mean anything to her.
Jess: Thank you. [Sam punches Nick in the throat] Oh, my God!
Sam: I'm sorry, Nick. It's the training.
Jess: He's in such terrible shape! You could've killed him.
Nick: [high-pitched] I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
Sam: Jess, it may not have meant something to you, but it meant something to me.
Nick: Is there another doctor in the house?! With this crowd, I'm sure.
Sam: I'm done. So Good-bye, Jess.
Jess: No. Sam.
Sam: Ice it, 24 hours. And keep it elevated.
Nick: He even exits cool.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, you don't all have to run over there at once. I mean, she she's not that great, you guys. I mean, she's kind of old. You should see her areolas. One's like a helicopter pad, the other one's like a, you know, like like a tick bite. It's freaky. Very disorienting.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Thank you for what you said up there. You know, I got a lot of phone numbers.
Schmidt: Good.
Cece: I think I'm gonna go on a lot of dates.
Schmidt: I think that's a great thing. Good.
Cece: Yeah. The plan hasn't changed; I am still marrying an Indian guy.
Schmidt: No, yeah, that's fine. But you went home with a Jew in a turban, so I'm just saying.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: God, I have missed this.
Schmidt: Turban on? Turban off?
Cece: I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but turban on.
Schmidt: Turban on it is.
Cece: Uh-uh.
Schmidt: Taking that magic carpet ride. Yeah? No?
Cece: Shut up! Whoo!


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