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‘Jaipur Aviv’ Quotes

New Girl: Jaipur Aviv

605. Jaipur Aviv

Aired October 18, 2016

Schmidt and Cece need their friends' help as they start renovations on their new home.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you. I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas. Because I love you. I hate your ideas. I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
Cece: I have to stop you right there. I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car."
Schmidt: I can't live in a house that you don't love. And I also can't live in a house of horrors!
Cece: Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.

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Quote from Cece

Cece: You know what, every compromise doesn't have to be 50-50. I've been looking at cabinets online. They all look exactly the same to me.
Schmidt: No, they don't.
Cece: They really do. Birch, walnut, mahogany, fiberglass, stainless steel.
Schmidt: You can't tell the difference between metal and wood?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It's only one room, one flaw. Every beautiful thing has one flaw. Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark. "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
Cece: Babe. Do you like this ceiling fan?
Schmidt: Wicker... wicker blades!
Cece: They are made from reclaimed hampers.
Schmidt: It's like a dirty laundry propeller above our bed.
Cece: [laughing]: Yes.
Schmidt: Okay!
Cece: [sighs] I love that we're on the same page. [exits]
Schmidt: That's right. Two flaws. Okay. Two flaws. No beautiful thing has two flaws, only ugly things. It's spreading.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Did Schmidt tell you I was gonna be in here?
Winston: No.
Jess: Then how come you didn't get scared?
Winston: Before I enter any bathroom, I take a moment to myself and say, "No matter what happens in there, don't get scared." And it works, you know, except for that one time when I was at the Cubs...

Quote from Jess

Jess: If Nick wants Reagan to move in, then I want Reagan to move in. I mean, I don't want her to move in, but I... I support it.
Cece: You can support something without being the poster child for it, okay, so just maybe take a step back.
Jess: I can't do that because my love for Nick exists, so it has to come out somewhere. If you put water in Bugs Bunny's hole, it's gonna shoot out some other hole where Elmer Fudd least expects it.
Cece: Is this other hole friendship?
Jess: Exactly. So I can't express my feelings for Nick through my romance hole, so I need to express them through my friendship hole. And I really regret hitching my wagon to "hole."

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Right, so we are off to buy drinking water.
Schmidt: Yes, the water at Jaipur Aviv tastes like it's been fracked. See you guys there.
Winston: Jaipur Aviv?
Jess: Yeah, Schmidt named their house Jaipur Aviv to celebrate the union of India and Israel that their marriage represents.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Schmidt, you need to take these design blinders off and look around. We compromise all the time. We named our house Jaipur Aviv.
Schmidt: That's right. I wanted to call it Ghatak/Mossad HQ, and you wanted to call it... Our House.
Cece: Our House, yes.
Schmidt: We met in the middle and we called it Jaipur Aviv.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So this is the future, the three of us. Do we need a name?
Nick: The winners.
Winston: Winston and the Cuties.
Jess: Eh, I don't think we need a name. But we do need a fourth roommate, because I think...
Winston: Oh, my God! This loft is enormous.
Jess: Thank you, Winston. I was going there, but it was gonna be a long walk. This place is way too big for three people.
Winston: What about your dream of having an in-loft multipurpose room?
Jess: Multipurpose rooms can't pay rent. That's the only purpose they don't serve.

Quote from Jess

Nick: What do you think about Reagan?
Jess: Well, she's great. A-plus posture.
Nick: I mean she's moving to L.A. next month. What do you think about Reagan as our roommate? 'Cause she would live in my room, but she'd still pay rent. And then you could have that multipurpose room where you could shower and cook.
Jess: Well, I'd still use the bathroom and the kitchen for showering and cooking, but I would use the multipurpose room for everything else, [chuckles] and I'd be living across the hall from my ex and his new girlfriend. Not sure why I said those two in the same tone.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Babe, I know you were planning on doing all of the heavy lifting when it comes to decorating...
Schmidt: Interior design. Cece, this is a home. It's not a Christmas cookie.
Cece: So you've said. But this is our first joint venture, and I really want to help.
Schmidt: The only thing better than realizing my interior design vision will be realizing our interior design vision.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You're only short two votes. I can get you two votes.
Nick: You can do that?
Jess: Can a shark ruin a family vacation?
Nick: No.
Jess: I mean if it bites someone.
Nick: Maybe, then yeah.
Jess: Maybe?
Nick: It depends on the vacation, but yeah.
Jess: Can a puppy make a baby smile?
Nick: I mean, there's a lot of factors.
Jess: Just...
Nick: Depends on... Thanks for helping is what I meant to say.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, Nick. Sorry about the vote.
Nick: I don't want to talk about it.
Winston: Cool. I need your help with a situation.
Nick: There is no situation you could possibly describe compelling enough to get me to want to help you.
Winston: Schmidt and Cece's house was the location for the 1971 pornographic film, Daddy's Longleg.
Nick: Okay, maybe there's one situation. I'm 100% in.

Quote from Winston

Nick: So we're at maximum capacity. So what do we do?
Winston: Okay, so pornographic house has to go into the vault.
Nick: Agreed.
Winston: So what do we declassify? Jalapeño 19?
Nick: Jalapeño 19? No way.
Winston: Uh... Duck, Duck, Gavin?
Nick: Oh, Duck, Duck, Gavin has to stay a secret.
Winston: I would love to keep Upper Deck Timeshare between us and the guy we paid off.

Quote from Jess

Jess: As a symbolic gesture, Reagan cannot list the loft as her official residence.
Nick: Where will her mail go?
Jess: A P.O. Box.
Nick: Oh, yeah. All right, keep going.
Jess: When asked where you live, you and Reagan will say the following. "Geez, beats us. We're just dumb kids living paycheck to paycheck. Thank gosh for our upwardly mobile friends Schmidt and Cece, and the three guest rooms in their loft. We're crashing with them until we get our lives together and we remain there at their pleasure."
Nick: Do I have to memorize all that?
Jess: No, you can just read it from the toilet paper. [Nick sighs] And finally... you will allow Schmidt to buy you one pair of jeans. Oh, he's serious.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Winston would like you and Reagan to spend a mutually agreed upon amount of time as a couple with Ferguson.
Nick: We're talking about the cat?
Jess: The only couples that Ferguson knows are interracial. And while Winston views this as progress, he knows that it's not an accurate portrayal of... the world.
Nick: You even think that cat knows Winston exists?
Jess: Definitely not. Next, Winston would like to be the first person to see you in your new jeans. And he will see you under these circumstances, and these circumstances only: descending a grand spiral staircase, as Winston waits at the bottom, weeping with pride, holding your new belt.
Nick: He wants me to go upstairs without a belt. Some... We rent a really nice mansion.
Jess: Hey, you could do it, like, a museum...
Nick: I'm not going to a public place and doing this with him.
Jess: Do you want the yays or not?
Nick: I need the yays.

Quote from Cece

Jess: I want you to know I'm gonna be fine, okay?
Cece: You promise?
Jess: I promise.
Cece: Okay, all right, I'll vote yay. If Nick and Reagan aren't physical outside of their room. I'm sorry, but I have to protect you a little, okay, so just deal with it.
Jess: That's a really great rider, Cece.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Next time you don't like one of my suggestions, just tell me.
Schmidt: I don't like your suggestions.
Cece: Okay, well, then you suggest something, and then I suggest something, and eventually we reach a compromise. So let's try it. Let's try it with the cabinets. I suggest a lighter wood, like birch.
Schmidt: Absolutely not. [off Cece's look] I mean... [clears throat]
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: I suggest a darker wood, like walnut.
Cece: So now we try to find something in the middle, like, how about oak? [Schmidt shakes his head] That's fine, that's fine, I'm willing to go darker. Cherry? Mahogany? Walnut?
Schmidt: I love that suggestion!
Cece: It was your suggestion. It's not a compromise.
Schmidt: Okay, fine, birch.
Cece: No! That was my suggestion. That's still not a compromise.
Schmidt: Now you're confusing me!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Schmidt, I need to tell you something unpleasant about some candy you ate.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Many years...
Nick: It was shot in Seattle. Daddy's Longleg was shot in Seattle.
Jess: What's Daddy's Longleg?
Nick: A pornographic movie Winston and I really like. You don't have to worry about it.
Winston: Because... it was... not filmed in your home. So congratulations!
Cece: Wow, we did it, honey.
Schmidt: Was that in question?


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