Schmidt: Cece, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to say to you. I had always assumed that when you got serious about interior design, I was going to love your ideas. Because I love you. I hate your ideas. I hate them almost as much as I love you, which is so much.
Cece: I have to stop you right there. I appreciate the fact that you are a very dramatic man, but the next time you start a conversation with, "This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to say to you," it better end with, "I'm gay now," "I found a lump in my nut," or, "He came out of nowhere, help me get the blood off of my car."
Schmidt: I can't live in a house that you don't love. And I also can't live in a house of horrors!
Cece: Thank you for taking my note about being dramatic.

Schmidt: It's only one room, one flaw. Every beautiful thing has one flaw. Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark. "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
Cece: Babe. Do you like this ceiling fan?
Schmidt: Wicker... wicker blades!
Cece: They are made from reclaimed hampers.
Schmidt: It's like a dirty laundry propeller above our bed.
Cece: [laughing]: Yes.
Schmidt: Okay!
Cece: [sighs] I love that we're on the same page. [exits]
Schmidt: That's right. Two flaws. Okay. Two flaws. No beautiful thing has two flaws, only ugly things. It's spreading.

Winston: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Did Schmidt tell you I was gonna be in here?
Winston: No.
Jess: Then how come you didn't get scared?
Winston: Before I enter any bathroom, I take a moment to myself and say, "No matter what happens in there, don't get scared." And it works, you know, except for that one time when I was at the Cubs...

Cece: You know what, every compromise doesn't have to be 50-50. I've been looking at cabinets online. They all look exactly the same to me.
Schmidt: No, they don't.
Cece: They really do. Birch, walnut, mahogany, fiberglass, stainless steel.
Schmidt: You can't tell the difference between metal and wood?

Jess: If Nick wants Reagan to move in, then I want Reagan to move in. I mean, I don't want her to move in, but I... I support it.
Cece: You can support something without being the poster child for it, okay, so just maybe take a step back.
Jess: I can't do that because my love for Nick exists, so it has to come out somewhere. If you put water in Bugs Bunny's hole, it's gonna shoot out some other hole where Elmer Fudd least expects it.
Cece: Is this other hole friendship?
Jess: Exactly. So I can't express my feelings for Nick through my romance hole, so I need to express them through my friendship hole. And I really regret hitching my wagon to "hole."

Cece: Right, so we are off to buy drinking water.
Schmidt: Yes, the water at Jaipur Aviv tastes like it's been fracked. See you guys there.
Winston: Jaipur Aviv?
Jess: Yeah, Schmidt named their house Jaipur Aviv to celebrate the union of India and Israel that their marriage represents.

Cece: Schmidt, you need to take these design blinders off and look around. We compromise all the time. We named our house Jaipur Aviv.
Schmidt: That's right. I wanted to call it Ghatak/Mossad HQ, and you wanted to call it... Our House.
Cece: Our House, yes.
Schmidt: We met in the middle and we called it Jaipur Aviv.

Jess: So this is the future, the three of us. Do we need a name?
Nick: The winners.
Winston: Winston and the Cuties.
Jess: Eh, I don't think we need a name. But we do need a fourth roommate, because I think...
Winston: Oh, my God! This loft is enormous.
Jess: Thank you, Winston. I was going there, but it was gonna be a long walk. This place is way too big for three people.
Winston: What about your dream of having an in-loft multipurpose room?
Jess: Multipurpose rooms can't pay rent. That's the only purpose they don't serve.

Nick: What do you think about Reagan?
Jess: Well, she's great. A-plus posture.
Nick: I mean she's moving to L.A. next month. What do you think about Reagan as our roommate? 'Cause she would live in my room, but she'd still pay rent. And then you could have that multipurpose room where you could shower and cook.
Jess: Well, I'd still use the bathroom and the kitchen for showering and cooking, but I would use the multipurpose room for everything else, [chuckles] and I'd be living across the hall from my ex and his new girlfriend. Not sure why I said those two in the same tone.

Cece: Babe, I know you were planning on doing all of the heavy lifting when it comes to decorating...
Schmidt: Interior design. Cece, this is a home. It's not a Christmas cookie.
Cece: So you've said. But this is our first joint venture, and I really want to help.
Schmidt: The only thing better than realizing my interior design vision will be realizing our interior design vision.