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‘James Wonder’ Quotes

New Girl: James Wonder

608. James Wonder

Aired November 29, 2016

Jess tries to win over the head of the parents' council to become principal of her school. Meanwhile, Nick agonizes over a wedding gift for Schmidt and Cece, and Winston develops his undercover persona.

Quote from Winston

Winston: A-ha! You see this whole time, y'all thought you were having breakfast with Winston, but it turns out y'all been sitting with James Wonder. I'm talking about my alias. See, I'm thinking about applying for undercover work.
Jess: That sounds incredibly dangerous.
Winston: Well, not if I go deep enough into my undercover character. I've been practicing on y'all unknowin' asses. I combined the names of my favorite singers... Stevie Wonder and James Blunt. And I put those together to create a different name as my alias, James Wonder.
Jess: I'm worried you're not the undercover type of guy. I feel like if you had the ability to pretend to be someone else, you would have made that decision a long time ago. I feel like that sounded harsh, but it's only 'cause I care about you.

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Quote from Winston

Jess: Okay, James. Uh, let's leave now so I can show you the school's landscaping.
Ed: Wait, actually, I have a stubborn back yard. Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs, but if I could attract frogs...
Winston: Very common situation in our business. You need a well.
Ed: A well? Oh. Well, you need to let me buy you a bottle of wine and pick your brain about all this.
Winston: [laughs] That sounds good, E-dawg. We should... But... but right now, I should get going.
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: I got a butt load of koi fish in the back of my truck that need bonding.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Would you be interested in rubble from old Yankee Stadium?
Schmidt: What, for my rubble collection?
Nick: I'm having a really hard time finding something for you. I thought I was just gonna go on the Internet, but the Internet is so different now. Have you been on the Internet lately?
Schmidt: How drunk are you?
Nick: I remember when the Internet used to just be a naked lady and a bunch of dancing hamsters.
Schmidt: How drunk are you, Nick?
Nick: I literally haven't had one thing to drink.
Schmidt: How many drinks have you had?
Nick: Give me a breathalyzer.
Schmidt: It feels like you're drunk.
Nick: Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.
Schmidt: You're hammered.
Nick: I'm drunk.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't know what to do. I want to get you something great, but I can't find anything on the Internet. Here's the truth. I'd give you my heart. I'd rip it out of my chest but... but then I would literally die. But you know that, you're studying to be a nurse.
Cece: No, I'm not.
Nick: You're already a nurse?
Cece: Not a nurse.
Nick: But you went to college didn't you?
Cece: Why didn't you just give us the Vitalstir?
Nick: Because then it would just end up in a landfill in a year when they come out with a Vitalstir 3001.
Cece: Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000. Do you think that they have made 3,000 different Vitalstir models?
Nick: Do you really think they've perfected this blender in four tries? You're not a nurse.

Quote from Winston

Ed: Genevieve, this is James Wonder.
Genevieve: Hey.
Ed: A potential new dad. He's a landscape architect. And father of Asher.
Genevieve: And husband of?
Winston: I... I'm a widower.
Genevieve: Oh, oh...
Winston: Yeah. Yeah, she, um... she got squished.
Jess: Squished?
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Genevieve: Did she? Did she?

Quote from Jess

Genevieve: Ed! Oh, are-are you okay?
Ed: Sorry, I was, uh, moved to tears by the... second grader's self-portraits. I cannot believe you are gonna abandon us next year.
Genevieve: Oh...
Ed: I'm like, "Ah, don't go!"
Jess: [English accent] I can keep the accent so you'll barely notice she's gone. Prince 'enry, pet me corgi.

Quote from Winston

Genevieve: You must be holding a lot of sadness in your legs. I have hands like a bonobo... strong.
Winston: Oh, wow.
Genevieve: There we go. Ooh. Very good.
Winston: Aah! Ow! Now, no! I have a girlfriend. Her name is Aly.
Genevieve: Wasn't your wife recently squished?
Winston: Yeah. That-that happened. She was indeed... But then, we cremated her. And we, we, we had to dry her out first.

Quote from Winston

Genevieve: Didn't think I'd ever see you again.
Winston: I came to say goodbye. Asher and I are moving to Colorado.
Genevieve: Is that where Aly lives?
Winston: No. The city of Denver wants me to landscape an entire mountain. It's a whole thing.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Babe, can you help me finish this thank you card to Asha Auntie? She got us... that.
Schmidt: That porpoise porn?
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: "Best, comma, Cece and Schimdt."
Cece: All we're gonna give her is a "Best, comma"? Come on, she's my mom's sister.
Schmidt: Well, she should have stuck to the registry.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Principal, that's great. I'm really proud of you. And now you're almost gonna make what normal people make.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Is that the Vitalstir 3,000 from my registry?
Nick: Oh, no, I've had... I've had this forever.
Schmidt: It came out last year.
Nick: Did it? I've had it for a year. No, I'm just doing what I always do. Nicky Miller makin', uh, his famous guacamole. Like I always do. Nick Miller's famous guacamole. [blender rumpling] See ya later. I'll call you when it's done! Fine. [blender stops] It's from your registry. I bought it, I brought it home but I can't give it to you. I am freaking out about what to get you.
Schmidt: Well, Nick why don't you just give us this blender that's on the list of stuff that I want?
Nick: Because I feel trapped by this registry. It's a list made by robots.
Schmidt: Nick, not everything is robots! Winston puts one walkie-talkie into a mailbox...
[flashback to Nick putting a letter into an USPS mailbox:]
Winston: [over walkie-talkie] Thank you for your letter. Yum!

Quote from Winston

Jess: I'm making this for Genevieve. I'm... I gotta convince her to make my case to Ed.
Winston: My man, Ed. Listen Jess, I could go ahead and give him a call if you like. All you have to do is say the word.
Jess: No, no, no, no. This is no country for James Wonder. I'm not having you go undercover at school again. No offense, but you kind of fell out of your dress when Genevieve came on to you.
Winston: I did get rattled. I have a girlfriend, and I adore Aly. But everything else I'm doing seems to be working because Ed loves me. You know, he wants James to landscape his yard. So I drew him four sketches.
Jess: Wow. Winston, these are actually really good.
Winston: I don't remember drawing these. I woke up this morning, and they were under my pillow.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Nick, whatever you get us, we're going to love. It... it doesn't matter.
Nick: I don't know what to get you, and it matters, it matters!
Schmidt: It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter! Just get us something! There's a registry. You go on it, and you pick something! Now you've got Schmidt all cranked up.
Nick: You're cranked up?
Schmidt: Yeah, I got to go to the arcade now and blow off steam!
Nick: I didn't mean to crank you up.

Quote from Jess

Genevieve: I know what you're doing. Jess, I have told you I can't afford to get involved in school politics.
Jess: Please, Genevieve. I'm begging you.
Genevieve: There's no delicate way to say this so I'm going to be... incredibly cruel. They don't like you. At all.
Jess: Ow.
Genevieve: They despise you.
Jess: All right. I got it.
Genevieve: "Get rid of Jess."
Jess: Yikes.
Genevieve: These aren't my words, Jess. I'm just repeating what I'm hearing. "Jess is the worst."
Jess: Okay.
Genevieve: "Can't stand the sight of her."
Jess: Don't need all of it.
Genevieve: Do you understand what I am saying?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, jeez, Genevieve, stop flirting, get to me!
Schmidt: Are you shouting at a podcast again, Jess? You know it can't hear you, right?
Jess: Shh!

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm about to gift your brains to pieces.
Schmidt: You got to real pull-the-rip-cord-while- still-in-the-plane kind of vibe, Nick.
Nick: It's a little something from me... to you.
Schmidt: All right.
Nick: Or, more accurately, on me. Check it out. I got the best gift. [reveals leg tattoo] It is your faces, but it's not your bodies.
Cece: Wow!
Nick: I didn't have a full body shot so... they picked the bodies.
Schmidt: Is that Pretty Woman?
Nick: This is from the movie Pretty Woman and it's on me forever. Say something. Say something.
Cece: It-it's cute, it's really cute.
Nick: I really did it. Talk to me about how happy you are. It's on me forever.
Schmidt: I know we're on you forever and ever, until you're buried in a non-Jewish cemetery.
Cece: And now we-we owe you a... a thank you card. Just don't know where I'm gonna find the words to express all of the emotions that I'm feeling right now.

Quote from Winston

Genevieve: I can't find anything about you online, James. Not even the darknet.
Winston: Oh, I was gonna say, you checked the darknet, yeah? I'm usually on there, they usually got some stuff about me.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Hey!
Winston: Oh, thank God. Jess... ica Day.
Jess: I can't believe you guys are all at my favorite restaurant. Hey, does anyone have a red landscaping truck? 'Cause it's getting towed. Anyone? Red landscaping truck?
Winston: No, mine's white.
Jess: Well, it could be white. It's getting towed.
Winston: I-I did take the red one today. Yeah, can't let that get towed. My crew is napping in the back.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: "Sincerely"? "Sincerely"? "Dear Nick, thanks for the tattoo. "Sincerely, S and Cece." You guys hate my gift?
Schmidt: No, we don't hate it, we love it, I see it every time I blink.
Nick: You guys want to see it?
Schmidt: It's okay.
Nick: Ah, I'll show it anyhow. Check it out. There's an ingrown hair that gives Cece a bit of a Rudolph nose. And when I flex my feet it makes you guys fatter. Look. Fat, look how fat your face looks, Schmidt. You have the fattest face in the world.
Schmidt: All right, stop it! Stop the horror! We hate the gift. It's disgusting.
Cece: It is disgusting.
Schmidt: You've ruined your leg.
Cece: It is like you stole our souls.
Schmidt: You depicted my wife as a common street whore.

Quote from Jess

Ed: Remember to bring your pets to school next week for human zoo day. Yeah. Oh, and I'd also like to let everyone know that we are switching back from this soap to this soap, okay? So just be aware. Next, I would like to offer my personal endorsement of Jessica Day as our next principal.
Jess: All right, well, first, I'd love to open up the floor to questions. Anybody? Oh, wow, okay.
Man #1: Can you get rid of the white lines in the parking lot? They're very restrictive.
Jess: I think they're for...
Man #2: Shouldn't we designate the green space for European-style football?
Woman: And for Tofu Tuesday, can we get a more balanced juice pairing?

Quote from Jess

Man: How about once a week in the dining hall we serve sushi omakase?
Jess: Oh, oh, okay.
Ed: Guys, uh, plenty of time to run our suggestions by her. But I assure you she will be very amenable. She is a principal for the parents.
Jess: Uh, actually, um, no. I-I have to be honest here. I... That's not who I am. I'm not gonna be a principal for the parents. I'm gonna be a principal for the kids. Look, you all love your kids and they're yours to raise, but I'm an educator and I know how to educate. Colby, your son Vince had the handwriting of a Hungarian doctor. And that's why I encouraged him to sign up for calligraphy comics after school. He didn't want to do it, but look at him now.
Colby: I can finally read the captions for his disturbing images.
Jess: And Molly, do you remember how terrified Beatrice was of public speaking in the second grade? That's why I bumped her up to fourth grade debate team.
Molly: Yeah, she made a toast at my brother's wedding. I mean, besides one racist joke, she killed.
Jess: Ed, when I met Samanthia, math was her least favorite subject. Now she's doing fractions and loving it. And yeah, she didn't win a demathlon medal and I know that stung, but it made her want to get better. And isn't that what school is for? Look, I think challenging your children prepares them for the real world. And if given the chance, I think I can help your kids and this school reach its full potential. And if that's not what you want, and I'm not the right fit, then I can live with that. [applause]

Quote from Winston

Winston: Genevieve, I got you something. Something to remember me by.
Genevieve: Oh. [takes out a plant] Shouldn't this be in a pot?
Winston: Oh, Genevieve. You don't know anything.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm so glad I'm doing this. You know, it was weird this morning in the shower... just me and tattoo you. I was the only one who was naked.
Jess: You know, we could loan you the money to remove it.
Nick: I don't like debts.
Tattooist: All finished, guys.
[The tattoo has been extended with Jess and Winston]
Schmidt: Glad we all talked ourselves into thinking that this somehow makes the nightmare better.
Winston: Nick, I just want to say... I really think...
Nick: I'm not getting a damn cat on my leg. Drop it.


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