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‘Young Adult’ Quotes

New Girl: Young Adult

618. Young Adult

Aired February 28, 2017

As Jess tries to bond with her students, she realizes they are fans of Nick's book. Meanwhile, Schmidt hires an assistant, and Winston learns that Furguson has another home.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those-those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

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Quote from Nick

Jess: That said... thanks for putting them up to it.
Nick: Jess, I don't know what you're talking about.
Jess: "Upmost"? There's only one person I know that says "upmost." It's "utmost."
Nick: "Utmost"?
Jess: "Utmost."
Nick: [chuckles] Agree to disagree. But the good news is my writer's block is gone, and that is thanks to you. You always come through for me, Jess, to the upmost.
Jess: I assure you, it's "utmost."
Nick: What's an "ut"? Come on, you're a writer. It's "up." Up to the most. Not ut to the most. I assure you.
Jess: Okay, sweetie.
Nick: You didn't come in here and say, "Thanks for putting them ut to it." I would've laughed you out of here. What is an "ut"?!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Furguson is miserable.
Jess: So you're saying that this is a different emotion than we've seen for the past three years?
Winston: A father knows. He misses Gil. It'd be wrong for me to take away a piece of his heart. I mean, I already took away his testicles.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: I need it. I have a big day at work today.
Jess: I need it more. I have to bake muffins before work.
Schmidt: What? Why?
Jess: 'Cause it's for my "Lunch With Your Princi-Pal" campaign. See, being principal's great, but unlike being vice principal, now the buck stops with me. I'm "the Man" now, and all the kids can just smell "the Man" all over me. That sounded really weird. All I'm saying is suddenly I have no relationship with the kids. I'm really counting on these muffins to humanize me.

Quote from Nick

Nick: All right. What do we have here? "Sentient feces." Why is there a magnet that says "feces"? All right. Trust the process.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Ugh. Thanks for helping me pack.
Winston: No problem. This might be our last chance for a mess-around.
Cece: Don't you start with that last mess-around stuff.
Winston: Don't you start.
Cece: Don't start, 'cause then I'll start. Look, I'm already starting. Don't start.
Winston: I didn't start this whole thing.
Cece: I can't do it, okay?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cornell. Magna cum laude. Two years of executive assistant experience. Very nice. Is this 24-pound linen stock?
Ken: Uh, yeah, it is.
Schmidt: Impressive. Ken, do me a favor. Will you, uh, untie your tie?
Ken: Uh, I can't, actually. It's, um... it's a clip-on.
Schmidt: I know. Thanks so much, son. See yourself out. Next.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Let me give you a scenario. We land the Bronco Blue Jeans account and install Brett Favre as its face. You receive a call from a nosy maître d'. It appears that Brett has been spotted at the Ritz-Carlton eating a salad, dressed in a tuxedo. The paparazzi are on their way. You rush in to alert me. You find me dead. What do you do?
Jeremy: I find a honky-tonk bar near the Ritz Carlton. I leave a pair of perfectly broken-in Bronco Blue Jeans in Mr. Favre's size, as well as a grass-stained T-shirt on the floor of the bathroom. I get on the phone, rent a tractor, drive it directly into the swimming pool of the Ritz-Carlton. When the staff is distracted, I physically subdue Mr. Favre under the weight of my full body, look him in the eyes and tell him to repeat after me: "I got drunk playing football and remember nothing since. I would never knowingly wear a tuxedo, drive a tractor into a swimming pool or eat a salad. And I would never knowingly leave my Bronco Blue Jeans behind."
Schmidt: And the maître d'?
Jeremy: I rented the tractor in his name. The next call he'll be making will be from the police station.
Schmidt: Welcome to Ass Strat.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I put a couple copies in the library, and the librarian didn't think it'd go anywhere. [chuckles] I can't wait to rub it in Esther's smug face.
Nick: That's very flattering.
Jess: Please come and talk to these girls. They're obsessed with Pepperwood.
Nick: I don't have time for this. I'm only on page two. And page one is just a dedication to Winston.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Please? You-you might get some ideas from your audience.
Nick: My audience is the men who built this great country. Your students would never understand that Pepperwood's just a New Orleans story about a guy fighting with the alligator within.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Guys! Pepperwood's about way more than just a romance. It's... it's, uh, it's about life, you know? Race. The sexualization of the American handgun.
Jess: [whispers] Keep it clean.
Nick: Okay. It's a story about his ambiguous relationship with... with justice.
Gertie: But the romance is amazing. It made me realize it doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay; I'm just me.
Nick: You got that from my book? That's-- yeah. That was positive. Do you think that's because of the gay dog character?
Gertie: Yeah.
Nick: What I really respect about that is it's never mentioned that he's a gay dog. But you got that from the writing. And that's pretty dope.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Wow. This is incredible. I mean, so many great ideas here. It feels like maybe The Pepperwood Chronicles
could be, like, a whole series.
Jess: Well, I mean, it's called The Pepperwood Chronicles, so I assumed there'd be more than one.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick, I have to get to school!
Nick: I know. So do I. I can't wait to pitch those girls my Pepperwood prequel. It opens with a very graphic description of his birth. It's like a dark Look Who's Talking.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [on the phone] Can I come help you pack? Jeremy's done everything around here.
Cece: Actually, I'm not packing, I'm just, uh, hanging out with Winston.
Schmidt: I'm so bored, Cece, please. I'm desperate. Are you guys having one of those mess-downs? I could come be part of that.
Jeremy: Sir, I believe the correct term is "mess-around."

Quote from Winston

Cece: This is gonna be our last mess-around before I leave, and I just don't want Furguson to leave you, too.
Winston: Just because you stop living together doesn't mean you stop caring about somebody. Because caring-- that is the real mess-around. Come on.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm sorry that I yelled at you. The truth is is you are exactly who I was when I was your age. I was hungry. I was putting in 22 hours a day. Once worked four days straight without water.
Jeremy: Wow.
Schmidt: And I just wish that somebody had taken me aside and told me that there was another way.
Jeremy: Would you have listened?
Schmidt: [sighs] Probably not.
Jeremy: Then I won't either. In fact, you're not even talking to Jeremy right now.
Schmidt: Okay, well, then who am I talking to?
Jeremy: The younger you, telling you to take advantage of your new super cool assistant so you can get to the next floor and the next floor and the next floor and the next floor and the next floor and now we're on top!
Schmidt: And now we're on top! I'm liking this side of you, Jeremy. Yeah, let's stay hungry. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna work on the McCormick presentation. Now I actually am hungry. Let's order some food.
Man: Already done, sir.
Schmidt: Arigato.
Jeremy: [speaking Japanese]
Schmidt: Take it down a notch.


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