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‘The Landlord’ Quotes

New Girl: The Landlord

112. The Landlord

Aired February 7, 2012

Jess tries to convince Nick that people can be good, including their cantankerous landlord (guest star Jeff Krober). Meanwhile, Schmidt isn't sure whether his boss is hitting on him.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. [waves] Hi.
Nick: Huh? Get down. What are you doing?!
Jess: Hi. Don't kill us. Don't use guns!
Nick: Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. [to the man] We're sorry. Take the spot.
Jess: Sir...
Nick: Just be submissive.
Jess: Sorry about this guy.
Nick: Don't apologize...
Jess: He's overreacting.
Nick: I'm overreacting? He has a gun, and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. [the man puts his gun away]
Jess: Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Nick: I can't believe this is working.
Jess: Sorry.
Nick: You out-crazied a man with a gun.
Jess: Have a good day. [to Nick] See, it worked. You always see the worst in people.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Here we go again. Another text message from work. Look at that. "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! What is she trying to say?
Winston: I'm not an expert at your industry at all, but, um, sounds like there's a call. From Tokyo. Sometime today. Oh, wait. At 11:00.
Schmidt: You don't understand. I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately.
Winston: What is wrong with you? The world is not out to seduce you.
Schmidt: "And bring me the budget reports." Why can't she just say what she wants? What kind of sick game is she playing?
Winston: It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head.

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback at a coffee shop:]
Barista: Nonfat vanilla latte.
Schmidt: We're not talking about coffee... are we?
[flashback in the elevator:]
Woman: Three, please.
Schmidt: Are you sure you want me to... stop at three?
[flashback to Schmidt answering the door to a delivery man:]
Deliveryman: I have a package for Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline.
[present:]
Schmidt: He said he had a package for Schmidt.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Oh, you're always starting fights with everyone, Nick. I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
Nick: He had a gun, Jess! He was literally out to get me.
Jess: Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met?
Schmidt: Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up right in that little satinous center below his belly button.
Winston: I mean, he's not wrong, though. His life is genuinely terrible.
Nick: You know what, Jess? I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, and people do what I want them to do.
Jess: You never smile.
Nick: A smile is a sign of weakness.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. I know I do, so if you could do me a solid and take care of those extras? Cool office. I like your... bucket of... gasoline. It's super practical. What you got there?
Remy: Broom.
Jess: So, I live in, um, Four D... There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. What do you say?
Remy: No.
Jess: [points to drawing] That's a sweet picture. How old are your kids?
Remy: I did that. It's me and my ex-wife.
Jess: Okay, you know what? Um... My roommates are really scared of you, but I know you're a good man, and I know you don't want the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. The four of you?
Remy: Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people.
Jess: Oh, did I say four? You know what? I was counting myself twice. It's so easy to do. Big personality over here, so... gonna go... [mutters]

Quote from Schmidt

Remy: Good God, what is this? Why would you do this?
Winston: This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this.
Schmidt: It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony.
Remy: Paint over it! Or you pay for it.
Nick: He's fair.
Jess: Who painted that?
Schmidt: Giancarlo.
Nick: Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. He used to wear a le...
Schmidt: [to Winston] I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! Have fun, buddy.

Quote from Nick

Jess: So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? [mocking] "Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow."
Nick: That man wants to sleep with you.
Jess: No, he doesn't.
Nick: Yes, he does.
Jess: He was just showing me how to close a closet.
Nick: Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You always see the worst in people!
Nick: Yeah, because people are the worst!
[flashback:]
Young Nick: Oh, five bucks! Look out, college. Here I come! [laughs]
[A man runs by, takes Nick's money and pushes him into the bushes]
Young Nick: That's it. People stink!
[present:]
Jess: You must have been doing something.
Nick: Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Well, people can be good. You just have to give them a chance to show you.
[flashback to a very young Jess walking down the street as a van approaches:]
Man: Hey, little girl. You like candy?
Young Jess: I sure do!
Man: Great! My nana made way too much!
[A sweet old woman opens the side door and hands Jess a bag of candy]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [to Cece] Oh, come on. Don't you ever wear jeans? Honestly, you look like you should be distracting James Bond at a baccarat table.
Cece: No, I'm actually gonna go meet Kyle. Jess loaned her seasickness bracelets. Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.
Schmidt: You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly?
Cece: Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there.
Schmidt: I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Cece, can I talk to you, as a... as a woman?
Cece: All right, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Okay. My boss and I, we're running a Pre-Sex Marathon right now, and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25. I'm cramping, Cece, my toenails are falling off, I'm peeing down my leg, it's like I can see the finish line, but I just can't get there.
Cece: I need to put one of these on right now.
Schmidt: The problem is is we don't talk. I don't know what she's thinking. Should I make a move or not?
Cece: Stop asking permission and go get it. That's what I would want. There's nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex to describe it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?
Cece: Two of these now.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going?
Winston: Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt, because everything is easy... "when you are a battleship, invading the Bay of Success."
Cece: What?
Winston: I have here Schmidt's New Year's resolutions from 2007.
Cece: Oh, please, read on.
Nick: Read my favorite one.
Winston: "Stop pursuing Caroline. She's Nick's girl. Deal with it."
Nick: "Deal with it." She's my girl.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Okay, where'd you find that?
Nick: Do not ever stop reading this.
Schmidt: I was very young. And drunk.
Winston: Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..."
Nick: Cocoon. [chuckles]
Winston: ...that will one day release your butterfly"?
Cece: No, it does not say that one!
Nick: That's number three.
Cece: Come on!

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Why are you doing this to me?
Winston: Maybe I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. This is my favorite. "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it."
Cece: Oh!
Nick: Steal his...!
Winston: You were gonna steal my sparkle?
Schmidt: Give me that.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, Kim? Look, I just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I hope you didn't get into too much trouble, I just... I really don't want to lose my job, okay? I've worked at Associated Strategies for six years. Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.
Kim: Your lip is bleeding.
Schmidt: It opens back up when I talk. Look... Kim, this wasn't your standard 2:00 a.m. mistaken assault in the parking garage. I've had a thing for you every since I was the husky kid in the mailroom. And if... if you don't believe me... here you go. Straight from '07. Read resolution number four. It's about you.
Kim: "Only think about hot new C.F.O. Every other time I masturbate."
Schmidt: I did not live up to the challenge.
Kim: Number seven: "Start floating idea that people call me Mr. Finish/Game Time Jones/The Hook-up-erator."
Schmidt: Can I...?
Kim: Number nine: "Just pick a color of Crocs and buy them already."
Schmidt: Okay, thank you.


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