Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Landlord’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

New Girl: The Landlord

112. The Landlord

Aired February 7, 2012

Jess tries to convince Nick that people can be good, including their cantankerous landlord (guest star Jeff Krober). Meanwhile, Schmidt isn't sure whether his boss is hitting on him.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Okay, where'd you find that?
Nick: Do not ever stop reading this.
Schmidt: I was very young. And drunk.
Winston: Were you too drunk to "begin the search for the cocoon..."
Nick: Cocoon. [chuckles]
Winston: ...that will one day release your butterfly"?
Cece: No, it does not say that one!
Nick: That's number three.
Cece: Come on!

Rate

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Why are you doing this to me?
Winston: Maybe I just got bored painting over your interplanetary ass dojo. This is my favorite. "Find out where Winston gets his sparkle, and then steal it."
Cece: Oh!
Nick: Steal his...!
Winston: You were gonna steal my sparkle?
Schmidt: Give me that.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Maybe no one's ever been nice to him. Maybe violence is his only tool to express himself. [waves] Hi.
Nick: Huh? Get down. What are you doing?!
Jess: Hi. Don't kill us. Don't use guns!
Nick: Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down. [to the man] We're sorry. Take the spot.
Jess: Sir...
Nick: Just be submissive.
Jess: Sorry about this guy.
Nick: Don't apologize...
Jess: He's overreacting.
Nick: I'm overreacting? He has a gun, and you're dressed like a bull's-eye. [the man puts his gun away]
Jess: Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Nick: I can't believe this is working.
Jess: Sorry.
Nick: You out-crazied a man with a gun.
Jess: Have a good day. [to Nick] See, it worked. You always see the worst in people.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Here we go again. Another text message from work. Look at that. "Tokyo call at 11:00?" This is driving me crazy! What is she trying to say?
Winston: I'm not an expert at your industry at all, but, um, sounds like there's a call. From Tokyo. Sometime today. Oh, wait. At 11:00.
Schmidt: You don't understand. I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from my boss lately.
Winston: What is wrong with you? The world is not out to seduce you.
Schmidt: "And bring me the budget reports." Why can't she just say what she wants? What kind of sick game is she playing?
Winston: It's all in your head, man. It's always in your head.

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback at a coffee shop:]
Barista: Nonfat vanilla latte.
Schmidt: We're not talking about coffee... are we?
[flashback in the elevator:]
Woman: Three, please.
Schmidt: Are you sure you want me to... stop at three?
[flashback to Schmidt answering the door to a delivery man:]
Deliveryman: I have a package for Schmidt.
Schmidt: Sir, I'm very flattered, but I must decline.
[present:]
Schmidt: He said he had a package for Schmidt.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Oh, you're always starting fights with everyone, Nick. I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
Nick: He had a gun, Jess! He was literally out to get me.
Jess: Isn't Nick the most negative person you've ever met?
Schmidt: Absolutely, and you know what? It all pools up right in that little satinous center below his belly button.
Winston: I mean, he's not wrong, though. His life is genuinely terrible.
Nick: You know what, Jess? I guess I don't live in a world where I smile, and people do what I want them to do.
Jess: You never smile.
Nick: A smile is a sign of weakness.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord? Um, I know you probably think cupcakes are totally lame. I know I do, so if you could do me a solid and take care of those extras? Cool office. I like your... bucket of... gasoline. It's super practical. What you got there?
Remy: Broom.
Jess: So, I live in, um, Four D... There are a lot of real safety hazards in our loft. Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix. What do you say?
Remy: No.
Jess: [points to drawing] That's a sweet picture. How old are your kids?
Remy: I did that. It's me and my ex-wife.
Jess: Okay, you know what? Um... My roommates are really scared of you, but I know you're a good man, and I know you don't want the four of us living in a dangerous apartment. The four of you?
Remy: Apartment Four D, there's only supposed to be three people.
Jess: Oh, did I say four? You know what? I was counting myself twice. It's so easy to do. Big personality over here, so... gonna go... [mutters]

Quote from Schmidt

Remy: Good God, what is this? Why would you do this?
Winston: This was Schmidt's room, okay? He painted this.
Schmidt: It is a sexually-charged, zero-gravity tea ceremony.
Remy: Paint over it! Or you pay for it.
Nick: He's fair.
Jess: Who painted that?
Schmidt: Giancarlo.
Nick: Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed with. He used to wear a le...
Schmidt: [to Winston] I suggest you paint it, and you paint it fast! Have fun, buddy.

Quote from Nick

Jess: So, what's up? Ready to admit you were wrong? [mocking] "Hello. My name is Nick, and I like eating crow."
Nick: That man wants to sleep with you.
Jess: No, he doesn't.
Nick: Yes, he does.
Jess: He was just showing me how to close a closet.
Nick: Okay, anytime a man shows a woman how to do something from behind, it's just an excuse for him to get really close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You always see the worst in people!
Nick: Yeah, because people are the worst!
[flashback:]
Young Nick: Oh, five bucks! Look out, college. Here I come! [laughs]
[A man runs by, takes Nick's money and pushes him into the bushes]
Young Nick: That's it. People stink!
[present:]
Jess: You must have been doing something.
Nick: Are you seriously defending the man who pushed me into the bushes?

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode