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‘Fluffer’ Quotes

New Girl: Fluffer

203. Fluffer

Aired October 2, 2012

Winston argues that Nick is acting like Jess's "fluffer", handling the emotional aspects of a relationship while she has casual sex with Sam. Meanwhile, Schmidt pretends to be a Romney.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like the old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Yeah, no, nobody gets rowdy like us Romney boys. Just a bunch of alphas, you know what I mean?That is, of course, unless we're fishing on Lake Winnipesauke. There's nothing that I love more than just getting out on the water with Dad, the freezing cold dawn, a couple of cold beers in hand. Having that one quick moment...
Courtney: Your dad doesn't drink. He's a Mormon.
Schmidt: Well, we don't drink the beers, Courtney. You know, we just buy them to support American breweries. Then we dump them in the lake. 'Cause we're Americans.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Are-are you spelling it right? Two "G"s, silent "B."
Megan: Here's a picture of the whole family. And you are not in it.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, somebody had to take the picture, Megan.
Courtney: Just admit it. You're not a Romney.
Schmidt: Oh, I'm not a Romney? Would a non-Romney know this? That Ma and Pa never go to bed angry. That there are 16 grandchildren, Allie, Joe, Thomas, Gracie, Wyatt, Parker, Miles, Jonathan, Sawyer, Nate, Nash, Mia, Owen, Soleil, Nick and Chloe.
Megan: Those are just facts you got from the Internet.
Schmidt: I'm proud to be a Romney. Okay? I'm proud to have had a dad that was around when I was growing up. A dad that took me camping, a dad that spent Saturdays with me, throwing... throwing the football. A dad that gave me a wink when I left for prom night and said, "Be safe, son." When I think of a dad like that, I'm proud not only of the Romney name, but of this country. God bless Mitt Romney. God bless America.
April: It's a candid shot from the governor's biography. The caption says, "The whole family."
Schmidt: Nitpicking turns me off. You're all horribly unattractive to me. Tugg Romney, out.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: [to the doorman] We got Tagg Romney out here. We're gonna need you to sweep the the perimeter.
Doorman: What the hell you talking about?
Schmidt: Tagg Romney. Pleasure to meet you, sir.
Doorman: Romney. Like, Mitt Romney's your dad?
Schmidt: Let's get America back to work.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: The belt, Schmidt. Please explain the belt.
Schmidt: It's after Labor Day. I'm wearing whales.
Winston: The dumbest thing ever.
Nick: You look like the bad guy in an '80s high school movie.
Schmidt: I'll have you guys know that Kanye wore this belt, okay? Let me just say that word one more time: Kanye.
Winston: Kanye?
Schmidt: Yeah, and he looked beautiful in it. His whole midsection lit up.
Winston: What is your obsession with Kanye?
Schmidt: Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way for me to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him, and then dazzle him to the point that we're each other's last call before bed. "Yo, what up, K?" "Yeah, I'm just going to sleep." "You watching Fallon? That brother's crazy."

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, Tagg Romney. You know if your dad's gonna win the election?
Nick: He does look like a Romney.
Schmidt: Telling me that I look like one of the most handsome men in politics does not hurt my feelings, Winston.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Look, I did what you said, and I feel terrible.
Winston: Because you didn't set boundaries.
Nick: I don't know what that means, Winston.
Winston: As a friend, you can lift a heavy object, but you can't drive her to the airport, okay? You can hold the elevator, but only if you see her running down the hallway saying, "Hey, man, please can you hold the elevator?" No picnics, no mini-muffins and never Adele.
Nick: Adele?
Winston: Never Adele.
Nick: Adele's amazing.
Winston: No Adele. No concerts, no music, no T-shirts, no nothing.
Nick: But guys and girls...
Winston: Never Adele!
Nick: A little Adele. [Winston slaps Nick]

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] Where are you, Schmidt? This place is fancy, and I don't know which fork to kill myself with.

Quote from Nick

Jess: This place is crazy expensive.
Nick: Schmidt picked it. I can afford the valet charge and the "Add onions."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Maybe I should just stop trying with Sam. I'm old-fashioned below the belt. I've got a Civil War-era piece of equipment, and that's all she wrote.

Quote from Nick

Waitress: You know, the drunker you get, the more obvious you're being with the thermos.
Nick: "Thermose?" "Thermas?" I'm sorry. I don't understand. What's a "thermoos?"
Waitress: That one right there in your hand.
Nick: Oh, the "thermase?"

Quote from Jess

Jess: I need your help. I don't know what to do. I'm terrible at casual sex. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.
Nick: You don't even know what that is.
Jess: No, sir, I do not know what that is. I panicked. Help me.
Nick: Look, you can't separate your feelings from sex? So what? You're a girl.
Jess: I deserve to have a shorty on the side.
Nick: Okay, a shorty is not... that's the wrong use of "shorty."

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Jess, I get it... you're the type of person that... you need to ease into these kind of things. Let us take you out tonight, okay? And that way, you... you can feel like, you know, you're going on a date first.
Jess: Yes! Like we're all dating in a large, nonsexual friend group.
Nick: My nightmare. Have fun. I'm out.
Jess: Come on, Nick. Please?
Nick: Why are you doing this, Jess? Why don't you just date a guy that... I don't know... you like?
Jess: This is good for me. I always jump into relationships. Plus, Sam's not the kind of guy you spend Saturdays in your sweatpants with. He's the kind of guy... You bone.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Whoa. Wow. I forgot what you look like when you're not dressed like the Loft Troll.
Jess: Pardon?
Nick: Sorry, I didn't... What I mean to say is you look va-va-va-vavooms! Hello, nurse! Hubba-bubba! Meow! Zing! You can stop me at any time.

Quote from Schmidt

Woman: Excuse me. My friend is too embarrassed to come over here, but she said she heard from someone in line that you're a Romney.
Schmidt: I am...
Woman: She's right over there.
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm a Romney. Hell, yeah, I'm a Romney.
Cece: [scoffs] Come on!
Schmidt: Security, remove the threat. Remove the threat. Code red.

Quote from Schmidt

Megan: I'm so sorry. I am a huge supporter. In '08, I was the national cochair of Kappas for Romney.
Schmidt: You caught me. I'm a Romney. I'm trying to be incognito, so just...
Megan: You're... Tagg?
Schmidt: Tugg.
Megan: Tugg?
Schmidt: Tugg Romney, yeah. I'm Tugg Romney. Tagg's everywhere. Too much Tagg for me.
Megan: Tugg.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Whoo! What a night. What a crazy night.
Nick: Yeah, me, too. I found a dollar on my way out of the restaurant. I used it to buy a slice of pizza. One day closer to death!

Quote from Winston

Winston: A line has been crossed, all right? You, my friend, have become her fluffer.
Nick: Like in porn?
Winston: An emotional fluffer.
Nick: I'm an emotional fluffer?
Winston: You got to set some boundaries, all right? You're gonna start fulfilling ever single need of hers, all right? Doing all the things that a boyfriend would do...
Nick: Winston.
Winston: For some other dude who ain't doing nothing.
Nick: And I'm her friend.
Winston: You're her boyfriend.
Nick: No, I'm not her boyfriend.
Winston: You're a boyfriend without the rewards.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: You're gonna get caught.
Schmidt: Impossible. I've been studying Romney trivia all day long. Memorizing Dad's gestures so I can mimic him.
Cece: You're calling Mitt Romney "Dad" now? That's where we're at?
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Cece: Schmidt, we get it. He's the dad you never had.
Schmidt: Okay, all-knowing Indian god Ganesha, this is about sex. You know they have Romney Olympics every summer at the lake house? I bet that's a hoot. I'm sure it's like the real Olympics, only the white people win the sprints.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I mean, I'll admit I've thought about it. Yeah.
Nick: When was this?
Jess: Last year. Just once.
[flashback to Jess watching Nick playing with a bowl of peanuts at the bar:]
Nick: Would you like to eat me? What do you mean? Aren't you a little small? What, are you nuts?! [laughs] What happened? Why am I doing this?
[present:]
Jess: That's what does it for you?
Nick: Yeah, I thought about it for five minutes, and then I realized it would never, ever work between us.

Quote from Nick

Jess: You never, ever put money in any tip jar, ever.
Nick: What are you talking about?
Jess: I've never seen you ever do that.
Nick: Last week, when we went to the coffee shop.
Jess: You put nickels in the tip jar!
Nick: You know what a jar is in my business?
Jess: Nickels! Nickels are worse than no money; it's an insult.
Nick: It's just a little boy saying, "Love me! Give me attention!"
Jess: You're a bartender. You live on tips. You should know better.
Nick: The nickel? The only American currency...
Jess: You can't not give someone a tip because you don't like tip jars!
Nick: ...graced with the face of Thomas Jefferson.
Jess: Well, I think that's rude, Nick!
Nick: I didn't realize you were on the fence about the Louisiana Purchase...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I just wish I had a lot more solo Tugg time. You know?
Megan: Well, you can be Tugg with me.
Schmidt: Sometimes I think that I'm just a riddle that, well, even I can't solve. [ponders] Yeah, see? I tried to solve it again.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Okay, so... tell me what happened.
Schmidt: Well, I'm back to being Schmidt. I'm gonna miss it, though. Being a Romney.
Cece: Schmidt, your life would not have been better if you were a Romney.
Schmidt: Cece, look, my dad left when I was eight. Okay? And then he went and had three kids with his new wife, and me and my mom were just these two weirdos who belonged to nobody. Until she started spending all this time with this woman from work who... who she still lives with today.
Cece: Schmidt. He's your dad. All right? Find a way to forgive him for not being a presidential candidate with great hair.
Schmidt: Forget it. No one understands. [Cece pulls Schmidt's head towards her chest]
Cece: There, I thought you needed that, okay? Just take a breath, and it will...
Schmidt: Shh. Shh, shh, shh. It's like memory foam.
Cece: Call your dad.

Quote from Winston

Shelby: You've been cheating on me in your mind?
Winston: Yes, but, like, to be fair, you were there. A lot of times, you would just pop up mad, but you were there.
Shelby: Winston, come on, it's fine. Look, you can think about whatever you want to think about. I know I'm the one you want to be with. Come on, want to come upstairs and watch some SVU?
Winston: You want to watch SVU right now?
Shelby: Well, I'm too wound up to watch Raymond. Look, sometimes after a big fight, I like to cool off with some TV.
Winston: What do you mean, big fight?
Shelby: We just had a fight.
Winston: We hardly talked. Like, I want to talk, I want to fight, I want to do something!
Shelby: Well, maybe we can fight in your mind.


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