Nick: I know this isn't gonna end well, but the whole middle part's gonna be awesome.

Winston: What are you doing here?
Cece: He left me a voicemail from the ambulance. He was rambling a lot, but I brought him this.
Winston: Whoa, where'd you get that?
Cece: You know, one of the perks of being a model. You get to meet a lot of sketchy people. The guy who got me this also said he could get me a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly white baby.

Schmidt: I just realized something. It was never about a fish. It was a metaphor. It was about Cece. Don't feel bad about not seeing it. Look, man, it was subtle as hell. Oh, my God, is that a lionfish? Where'd that come from?
Winston: The... The lion... the lionfish? You. That came from you. When the paramedics came, you... you had it in your hand. They were like, "Whoa, you can't get one of these." And I was like, "He caught it in a..." You did it.
Schmidt: Hello, fish Cece. Gonna put you back in the sea.
Winston: I'm sorry, what?
Schmidt: Look, Winston, I don't know if it was the jellyfish's venom or the paramedic's urine, but it made me realize...she's not mine to keep. She belongs out there. In the great, wide open ocean. [walks to the toilet]
Winston: Uh, Schmidt, that don't go to the ocean.
Schmidt: What are you, the city planner?

Jess: What is this? I think Nick being ambitious and driven about the bar is making me... want him more. Is that, like, a thing?
Cece: No. No woman's ever been attracted to power and success.

Schmidt: You need to pee on my face.
Winston: I can't.
Schmidt: It will sterilize the wound. Please do it, Winston.
Winston: I can not pee on your face.
Schmidt: I thought you were with me to the end.
Winston: I just peed in the ocean, so I'm all out.
Schmidt: You peed in the ocean?
Winston: Yeah, look...
Schmidt: Disgusting!
Winston: Okay, look, look, I know this is a dumb question, but will a number two help?
Schmidt: What?!

Nick: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Schmidt, no. Absolutely not. No! I don't trust fish. They breathe water ... that's crazy.

Winston: Check it out, Schmidt ... I got you a clownfish.
Schmidt: I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.
Winston: Let's just cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece.
Schmidt: Cece the woman?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. That doesn't make any sense.

Schmidt: Ah... Three more, Cocktail Johnny.
Nick: Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4 proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
Schmidt: Melon balls.

Winston: Now, I know you're down about it.
Schmidt: I'm not down about Cece.
Winston: This, this is a mess.
Schmidt: Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: The air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I want to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me.
Nick: Ball you?
Schmidt: Ball me!

Winston: If I feel down, I come here. I love this place, man. You know, the sound of bubbles, soothing synth music. If this place doesn't take your mind off of Cece, then I don't know, man.
Schmidt: Look at that. So beautiful. And exotic. Perfect curves. Giant almond eyes. Caramel-colored stripes. Sumptuous lips.
Winston: Are you talking about the fish?