Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Quick Hardening Caulk’ Quotes

New Girl: Quick Hardening Caulk

219. Quick Hardening Caulk

Aired March 19, 2013

As Nick starts showing initiative at work, Jess realizes she wants him. Meanwhile, Winston tries to take Schmidt's mind off Cece with a trip to the aquarium.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I know this isn't gonna end well, but the whole middle part's gonna be awesome.

Rate

Quote from Cece

Winston: What are you doing here?
Cece: He left me a voicemail from the ambulance. He was rambling a lot, but I brought him this.
Winston: Whoa, where'd you get that?
Cece: You know, one of the perks of being a model. You get to meet a lot of sketchy people. The guy who got me this also said he could get me a box of dolphin steaks or a mostly white baby.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I just realized something. It was never about a fish. It was a metaphor. It was about Cece. Don't feel bad about not seeing it. Look, man, it was subtle as hell. Oh, my God, is that a lionfish? Where'd that come from?
Winston: The... The lion... the lionfish? You. That came from you. When the paramedics came, you... you had it in your hand. They were like, "Whoa, you can't get one of these." And I was like, "He caught it in a..." You did it.
Schmidt: Hello, fish Cece. Gonna put you back in the sea.
Winston: I'm sorry, what?
Schmidt: Look, Winston, I don't know if it was the jellyfish's venom or the paramedic's urine, but it made me realize...she's not mine to keep. She belongs out there. In the great, wide open ocean. [walks to the toilet]
Winston: Uh, Schmidt, that don't go to the ocean.
Schmidt: What are you, the city planner?

Quote from Cece

Jess: What is this? I think Nick being ambitious and driven about the bar is making me... want him more. Is that, like, a thing?
Cece: No. No woman's ever been attracted to power and success.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: You need to pee on my face.
Winston: I can't.
Schmidt: It will sterilize the wound. Please do it, Winston.
Winston: I can not pee on your face.
Schmidt: I thought you were with me to the end.
Winston: I just peed in the ocean, so I'm all out.
Schmidt: You peed in the ocean?
Winston: Yeah, look...
Schmidt: Disgusting!
Winston: Okay, look, look, I know this is a dumb question, but will a number two help?
Schmidt: What?!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Schmidt, no. Absolutely not. No! I don't trust fish. They breathe water ... that's crazy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ah... Three more, Cocktail Johnny.
Nick: Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4 proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.
Schmidt: Melon balls.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Now, I know you're down about it.
Schmidt: I'm not down about Cece.
Winston: This, this is a mess.
Schmidt: Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: The air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I want to see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me.
Nick: Ball you?
Schmidt: Ball me!

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: If I feel down, I come here. I love this place, man. You know, the sound of bubbles, soothing synth music. If this place doesn't take your mind off of Cece, then I don't know, man.
Schmidt: Look at that. So beautiful. And exotic. Perfect curves. Giant almond eyes. Caramel-colored stripes. Sumptuous lips.
Winston: Are you talking about the fish?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Excuse me. You, sir, that works here. What is this fish ... the one that floats like an angel? How much for this one?
Aquarium Docent: Ah, that is the lovely but elusive California lionfish.
Schmidt: It's perfect. I must have it.
Aquarium Docent: S-Sadly, sir, you can't.
Schmidt: What do you mean I can't?
Aquarium Docent: It's... illegal, sir. This fish is protected by the great state of California.
Schmidt: Gimme it!
Aquarium Docent: No...? [Schmidt lunges at him]
Winston: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Why can't I have the things that I want?
Winston: Sorry about that.
Schmidt: Don't look at the fish, kids. You can't have any of them! None of them are for sale! Love is a lie. It is.
Winston: Calm down!
Schmidt: Love is a lie. Love is a lie.
Winston: We're leaving. We're leaving.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidt ... an aquarium?! When did you become a Bond villain that couldn't afford not to live with roommates?
Schmidt: This is where I will keep my lionfish.
Jess: Your lionfish?
Schmidt: A rare beauty. The result of generations of interracial fish breeding. Just undulating in that water with that wry smile. Perfect, round fish breasts.
Winston: Pull it together.
Jess: What is this hat?
Schmidt: They say it'll be impossible for me to have it. But I'll get it. She will be mine, and... we will create a life together.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Come on, can I please have a ride? Wait, hold on. Don't move. Hold on. [chuckles] You got an eyelash.
Jess: Why do you smell so good?
Nick: It's 'cause I did laundry. Ah. I smell like a baby in a damn meadow. Look at this. My underwear. They're blue now. I think it's 'cause I put colors in the whites. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm really excited about laundry.
Jess: Good job.
Nick: Hey, how do you put your underwear back in? Just... I feel like it's too big to get back in now. It's tricky to get it in.
Jess: Fine!
Nick: Thank you. Do you mind if we stop along the way? I'm thinking of getting a salad 'cause I want to eat healthier.
Jess: Oh! God! Nick!
Nick: I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today.
Jess: Oh, God! Shut up!

Quote from Nick

Jess: [watching Nick] Yeah. Yank that chain.
Old Woman: Yank it.
Nick: I feel like Russell Crowe in every movie he's ever done.

Quote from Nick

Jess: All right, Nick. Um, we have to go.
Nick: We just got here. We have tons of stuff we need to get.
Jess: Fine. Let me see what we have left.
Nick: A whole bunch of stuff.
Jess: Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench?
Nick: Our old nut wrench is bad.
Jess: Quick-hardening... caulk.
Nick: You don't want to wait forever for that caulk to harden.
Jess: Lube for... drill shaft.
Nick: And we ... also, can we get a box of gummy sharks?

Quote from Jess

Jess: [to herself] Just remember... you caught him pleasuring himself to a mail-order steak catalog.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Check it out, Schmidt ... I got you a clownfish.
Schmidt: I don't want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.
Winston: Let's just cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt? We both know what you really want is Cece.
Schmidt: Cece the woman?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston. That doesn't make any sense.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Hey, Jess. I got some hot soup.
Jess: I feel good... Jessy feel good... Mmm. I like to say words with my mouth.
Nick: Well, your jaw is super bruised, so you need to get some rest. But you have some fun pain meds. Right?
Jess: I like you.
Nick: Yeah, I like you, too, Jess.
Jess: Yeah... and I like, your little bubble belly.
Nick: Oh, thank you.
Jess: Blows up like a... bubble.
Nick: Yeah, that's what it does.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Hey! Stop saying "That's my ass cheek" and stop touching his butt!
Winston: Look at that shiner.
Schmidt: Not cool! Somebody messes with my boy, that means we mean "bid-ness"! We doing this? Let's do this! Are we not... are we not doing it? It doesn't feel like you guys want to do it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Let's just say hypothetically that a girl says something to you while she's on painkillers.
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Nick: And that girl says that she might want to have sexual intercourse with you.
Winston: Please tell me we're not talking about Jess.
Nick: And you had no idea that's how she felt. Like, no idea. You thought the door was closed. In fact, you thought that door was so closed that you went out to another door, but had I known that the first door was open, that's the door I wanted to walk through.
Schmidt: Wait, okay, wait...
Nick: I would've walked through that door. Do you see how I'm in a tough spot?
Schmidt: Can we stop calling it "walking through a door"? Because for me, I feel like it's more like sliding past a drape.
Nick: Okay, if a girl on painkillers says that she wants to have sex with you, is that the drugs or is that real? And if so, how do I end it with Shane before Jess finds out? I-I-I meant the door.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Jellyfish!
Winston: What happened?
Schmidt: It got me, it got me!
Winston: What do I do? What do I do?
Schmidt: It got me, Winston! It burns!
Winston: Okay!
Schmidt: Burns!
Winston: So what do I do?
Schmidt: I need you to pee on my face.
Winston: What?!

Quote from Cece

Cece: How's he doing?
Winston: Uh, hey, listen, I think it might be good for him if you just gave him some space.
Cece: Space?
Winston: Cece, you're getting married. It's killing him.
Cece: Okay.
Winston: Yeah.
Cece: Um, just tell him I came...
Winston: Mm-hmm.
Cece: ...by, or... or not.
Winston: Uh-huh.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, Jess... last night, when you were on pills...you said you want me.
Jess: Shut up.
Nick: You put your hand in my pocket.
Jess: No, I didn't...
Nick: You said, "This little piggy wants to go to the market."
Jess: Shut up, Nick.
Nick: It's something you were just saying, that's fine, that's cool, we'll move on and not talk about it, but it is something that I've thought a lot about. But you were never clear about that, so that there were other options. And this little piggy ran around to different markets, but he didn't know.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Do you want to have sex with me, yes or no?
Jess: Yes! No! Yes! I mean, I did. But that was before I knew that you were... you were doing all that for your boss, so you sleep with her.
Nick: Fine, forget-forget the boss.
Jess: Okay. Well, I just, you know, I thought it was... it was nice to see you actually trying at something. So...
Nick: That's why you were more attracted to me? Wait a second.
Jess: I thought it was attractive that you were trying.
Nick: That's why? You're a frickin' gold digger, Jess.
Jess: What?!
Nick: I think that's what you just said.
Jess: If I were a gold digger, do you think I'd be interested in you? I would be the worst gold digger in the world.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode