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‘Naked’ Quotes

New Girl: Naked

104. Naked

Aired November 1, 2011

Nick's self-esteem is shot after Jess accidentally walks in on him naked. Meanwhile, Winston has some catching up to do as he reenters the job market.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, look. You've been out of the game for a while. I have three date packages. They work every time. Package A) Close-up magic, dinner, drinks. Package B) Close-up magic, drinks. Package C) Close-up magic.

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Quote from Winston

Schmidt: How'd the job interview go?
Winston: You know, terrible.
[flashback:]
Interviewer: Did you see the JWoww retweet and Gaga Twitpic?
Winston: I know Word, and I can open a document... Save it, save as, print, print preview...
[present:]
Winston: She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never even heard of.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. I was playing ball year round. I didn't read the news. I have no idea what happened in America. I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
Schmidt: From... from the past two years?
Winston: Give me the highlights. Highlights.
Schmidt: Okay. Uh, country's broke. Betty White's back.
Winston: Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
Schmidt: All dead, man.
Winston: Damn.

Quote from Jess

Nick: How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess: I can say the word "pen..."
Nick: Say it.
Jess: I... "Peernyas."
Nick: What?
Jess: "Peernis."
Nick: You said "peernis."
Jess: [sing-song] Penis.
Nick: Not singing.
Jess: [deep voice] Penis.
Nick: Not like a ghoul.
Jess: I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick: No, you said "pianist."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick: We're not watching this, Jess. We're watching it.
Jess: So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies. [deep voice] We're not scared; we're dudes.
Winston: Shh!
Jess: [whispers] You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen Fame? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time... the cafeteria, the street... Oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting! Mmm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick: Why would that guy blow himself up? [explosion on TV]
Jess: Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? An American Tale. It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a... [the guys give up]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, man.
Nick: Aah!
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Just the gun.
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Just the roses.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Just the hub, where it connects.
Nick: Get out.
Schmidt: Fine! I thought we were best friends.
Nick: We are.
Schmidt: Apparently not.
Nick: Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: They do it all the time.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Look at you. You're like an animal. What are you watching now?
Winston: The King's Speech and Human Centipede. Next up: Precious and David After Dentist.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Can I talk to you for a sec? Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What'd she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles. But it's not a big deal. Ain't no thing. Ain't no thaaang.

Quote from Winston

Jess: That was so horrible. What am I gonna do? He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Winston: It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Schmidt: You have? I mean... how?
Winston: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights... it just happens.
Schmidt: Why haven't I seen it?
Winston: Why do you want to see it?
Schmidt: He's my best friend.
Winston: Again, why do you want to see it?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What if Nick gets into an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured, and I have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? And I'm standing there and I'm saying, "Sorry, Officer, I can't help you, because no, I haven't seen his penis." And then boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
Winston: Again, why do you want to see it?
Schmidt: What did it look like?
Jess: What do you mean?
Schmidt: [holding hands apart] Just say when. Just sa... serious... Seriously? Are you s.. Are you serious? Okay, you know what. This is impossible. I'm starting over.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hi, Nick. So I guess your date went well. Sleepover party. I have something from school that, um... made me think of you. It's a Feeling Stick. Whoever's holding a Feeling Stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um... I feel like I want to know what you're feeling. [Nick snaps the stick in two] Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my Feeling Stick. I have a travel size.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Enispay!
Nick: Not pig Latin.
Jess: "Peernis."
Nick: Okay, not in Swedish.
Jess: "Pemo."
Nick: Not in fake Italian.
Jess: [shrieking] Penis!
Winston: Shut up!
Nick: Say it with me... "Pe... Pe...nis."
Jess: ...neers.
Nick: Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Hey, Winston. Oh, no. Oh, man. The interview? Did you mess up?
Winston: No, I didn't mess up. Killed it. I was amazing. At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
Schmidt: Well, that's a good thing, right?
Winston: The woman asked me why I wanted to sell medical supplies. I had no answer. I've done anything but play basketball my entire life. "Winston Bishop is an American basketball player who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks."
Schmidt: Winston, did you write the part about the ducks?
Winston: I don't even like ducks that much, man.
Schmidt: Okay, look, man. You got to get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
Winston: I was the guy who was good enough to play in Latvia. And then one day, I don't know, man... I just lost it. They found another black guy. Labak melno virietis. Means "the better black guy."
Schmidt: A better melno? You're-you're the best melno.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [holding feeling stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the Feeling Stick.
Schmidt: [takes stick] I feel me, too.
Winston: [takes stick] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt: [takes stick] I feel supported.
Nick: What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston: [holding stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick: Stop it!

Quote from Winston

Winston: Yo. I just wanted to thank you for taking me running. Made me feel a lot better. Now, I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic. I needed that.
Schmidt: I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
Winston: Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
Schmidt: It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
Winston: You know what I learned from the Internet? We got nothing to worry about. Everybody has their moment. We might get a cat one day. That cat might play the keyboard. A bear might fall on our trampoline. We don't need to have it figured out right now. We just need to be patient. Our moments will come. [exits]
Schmidt: Hey, man. Let's keep bro'ing out.

Quote from Jess

Nick: It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
Jess: Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart penis.
Nick: Get out of my room.
Jess: Okay. Hey, um... [laughs] when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?
Nick: Yup.
Jess: Even my... my gumbo pot?
Nick: Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.


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