Schmidt: Hey, look. You've been out of the game for a while. I have three date packages. They work every time. Package A) Close-up magic, dinner, drinks. Package B) Close-up magic, drinks. Package C) Close-up magic.

Schmidt: How'd the job interview go?
Winston: You know, terrible.
[flashback:]
Interviewer: Did you see the JWoww retweet and Gaga Twitpic?
Winston: I know Word, and I can open a document... Save it, save as, print, print preview...
[present:]
Winston: She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never even heard of.

Winston: I've spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. I was playing ball year round. I didn't read the news. I have no idea what happened in America. I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
Schmidt: From... from the past two years?
Winston: Give me the highlights. Highlights.
Schmidt: Okay. Uh, country's broke. Betty White's back.
Winston: Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
Schmidt: All dead, man.
Winston: Damn.

Nick: How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
Jess: I can say the word "pen..."
Nick: Say it.
Jess: I... "Peernyas."
Nick: What?
Jess: "Peernis."
Nick: You said "peernis."
Jess: [sing-song] Penis.
Nick: Not singing.
Jess: [deep voice] Penis.
Nick: Not like a ghoul.
Jess: I... I can say it! Pianist.
Nick: No, you said "pianist."

Jess: Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
Nick: We're not watching this, Jess. We're watching it.
Jess: So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies. [deep voice] We're not scared; we're dudes.
Winston: Shh!
Jess: [whispers] You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen Fame? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time... the cafeteria, the street... Oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting! Mmm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
Nick: Why would that guy blow himself up? [explosion on TV]
Jess: Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? An American Tale. It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a... [the guys give up]

Schmidt: Hey, man.
Nick: Aah!
Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Just the gun.
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Just the roses.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Just the hub, where it connects.
Nick: Get out.
Schmidt: Fine! I thought we were best friends.
Nick: We are.
Schmidt: Apparently not.
Nick: Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
Schmidt: They do it all the time.

Winston: [holding feeling stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the Feeling Stick.
Schmidt: [takes stick] I feel me, too.
Winston: [takes stick] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
Schmidt: [takes stick] I feel supported.
Nick: What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
Winston: [holding stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
Nick: Stop it!

Schmidt: Look at you. You're like an animal. What are you watching now?
Winston: The King's Speech and Human Centipede. Next up: Precious and David After Dentist.

Jess: Can I talk to you for a sec? Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um, I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
Schmidt: What?
Winston: What'd she say?
Jess: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles. But it's not a big deal. Ain't no thing. Ain't no thaaang.

Jess: That was so horrible. What am I gonna do? He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
Winston: It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
Schmidt: You have? I mean... how?
Winston: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights... it just happens.
Schmidt: Why haven't I seen it?
Winston: Why do you want to see it?
Schmidt: He's my best friend.
Winston: Again, why do you want to see it?