Nick: I'm using magnetic words to break through my writer's block, and it's not working. I've already folded all my shirts and masturbated six times, and I'm running out of things to do. I'm just in a real bind. You see, The Pepperwood Chronicles sold over 30 copies, Jess.
Jess: So, what, we're complaining about good things now?
Nick: It's just, my audience is gonna be clamoring for a sequel, and I can't leave those stevedores, those-those tugboat workers, those lighthouse keepers empty-handed.
Jess: You think that your audience is entirely made of, like...
Nick: Blue-collar nautical workers on the coastline of Maine. I don't think that, Jess, I know that.

Nick: When I came out, was it flashy? Was it emotional? Am I mad that Anderson Cooper doesn't fly the flag? Or for what he's doing in his own way-- is it even braver?
Jess: These are all really good questions, but I just can't get my mind off, like, why you dress this way. Why aren't you in better shape?
Nick: Don't put me in a box! There's nothing we gay men hate more than being put in a box.
Jess: Good.
Nick: Look, maybe I'm a bear, maybe I'm a twinkler.
Jess: That's not a category.
Nick: [loudly] I like rugby for the game and for the men. Now, if you excuse me, I got to go do that gay thing I was telling you about, because, of course, I'm gay as hell. [Jess laughs] Bye.
Jess: [whispers] That's not how gay men talk.
Nick: [whispers] I am shattering stereotypes.

Nick: I think I'm handling it well.
Jess: Yeah, you are. You are. You're... You know, you're not drunk, you haven't left me 300 voicemails.
Nick: And you're not crying while watching that movie Ghost.
Jess: Well, it's Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Doesn't Swayze do a dirty dance with that clay?
Jess: That's not Dirty Dancing. It's Ghost. It's a different movie.
Nick: Which one takes place at camp?
Jess: Dirty Dancing.
Nick: Which one's Whoopi in?
Jess: Stop asking me questions about them.

Nick: Look, of course she doesn't know I'm in pain, Tran. I'm hiding it like you're supposed to. But I'm lying to my best friend. You're also my best friend, don't don't start that weird jazz train. I don't know how I'm gonna hold it all together. I can't talk about it with anyone all day. I feel like a pinata, you know, and I'm just gonna pop. What does that mean: "The problem is the solution?" Oh, you mean just focus myself on Winston, and I won't have time to think about Jess. That's really smart, but that's not exactly "the problem is the solution." Do you know what I mean? That's, like, a cool sentence, but it's more just "stay busy," right? Thanks, Tran. [shakes hand] If I'd met you in your prime, during the war, that would have been glorious! But then we would've been enemies and tried to murder one another, unless we formed an alliance. Oh... You and me forming an alliance in an old-school war? That's a fantasy. Or a novel. You just gave me another idea.

Winston: Nick, it's my money, okay?! Give it back to me!
Nick: I make a little bit of money and you come slipping out of the "woodword"!
Winston: You mean "woodwork"?
Nick: What is "woodwork"?!
Winston: What's "woodword"?!
Nick: Wood! Word! Wood! Word! That's where people like you come crawling out of when people like me have money!

Nick: So, you freaked out a little back there, didn't you? Not to use some popsicle psychology...
Schmidt: "Popsicle psychology"?
Nick: Yeah, it's pop psychology for short. 'Cause, you know, you eat the popsicle and you love it so much and then you're stuck holding the-the stick? You get it. you get it.

Nick: Hey, where are you guys getting your photos developed these days? I got these beefcake selfies that I want to dangle in front of Jess, get her engine revved up.
Schmidt: Your phone has a camera, Nick.
Nick: These are sexy, sensual, private pics. I don't want them beamed right into Snowden's pocket. I'm not going through Wikileaks, man. It's not for me. Analog. It's the only thing you can trust.
Winston: You care to elaborate, you know, on this whole analog thing?
Nick: No, here's the reality, you never know what's gonna happen with a phone.
Winston: Right.
Nick: The hinges that hold the flip together, they get loosened over time when... when they get wet. And then once you open it, it's easier for people to go in there and see your passwords and, you know, see your codes. Once the screen breaks, your information's in the Twitterverse, man. And it's all out there for everyone to see, all these little monkey elves, man, all these kids. That's all they do. [sputters] Get your information, man. Bottom line is you can't control your technology. That's what's going on in Japan with all those robots. Not for me, man. That's why I trust a hard copy. Plain and simple.

Nick: Wonder what's taking, uh, Jess so long.
Ian: Well, you know women.
Nick: What's women? [laughs] Am I right?
Ian: "What's women?"
Nick: [chuckles] I just don't know them like you know them, is my point.
Ian: Uh-huh. Uh, so, what kind of guys do you like to date?
Nick: Me? All kinds. Yeah. Hunks. If I can get my, uh, paws on a hunk, I don't let go. Uh, ripped nerds. 'Cause they're smart but strong, I guess.
Ian: Uh-huh.
Nick: I like Spanish guys. Throw in a little, uh, hint of German in there, there's a perfect combo.
Ian: Okay.
Nick: Certain ice cream men, I guess. Carpet steamers. Sleepy guys. Uh, we in the gay community call them "drowsers."
Ian: Why would you like a sleepy guy?

Nick: Okay, I know for a fact... that this was the most attractive man in America for ten years. [holds up a Cheers publicity photo of Ted Danson] I know that because magazines told me so. But... Okay... Hey, Donovan, could you copy that? You guys don't look anything alike.
Donovan: Okay.
Nick: Okay.

Winston: [on the phone] Yeah. She is here. What happened?
Nick: She doesn't think I can do anything or plan anything, and it feels like crap. Maybe she's right. Why did I think I could pull this off? I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack. And I haven't arranged for anybody to clear my Internet history. I wasn't building a bomb! I was just curious.