Joan Day: Just explain to me again why we're doing this.
Jess: Because, when Cece's all washed up as a model, she wants to be a makeup artist. And I want to help her realize her dreams.
Cece: Yeah, it's my plan B.
Joan Day: Okay, stop. Seriously, it's just too much. The makeup and-and your dress? The only reason I wear makeup in Portland is to keep the rain off my face.

Cece: Joan, I just want to say that I'm really happy that, you know, we got past all that.
Joan Day: Come here, Cece. Give my little girl drugs again... I will end you.

Joan Day: Jess. Honey, can I come in? Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?
Jess: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I ruined the whole day, and it could have been really nice, but it wasn't, 'cause I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal. I just... I thought... maybe you guys could make each other happy.
Joan Day: We're actually happier apart.
Jess: Maybe I just worried that... since you guys are alone that means that I have to end up alone.
Joan Day: You're not gonna be alone. Even if you were, you could always move in with me. We could get a condo in Miami. Mm. And start solving crimes together. God, you have to lighten up, Jess. It's just life.
Jess: Yeah, you know what? We could definitely Grey Gardens the crap out of a condo in Miami. Can't wait to eat cat food with you.

Jess: So this is my childhood home, the place of my birth. Thank you guys so much for doing this, and coming on this tour with me. I forgot all about...
Joan Day: [British accent:] Hello, hello, hello, darling! ["God Save the Queen" playing] Where's the famous Mr. Geauxinue?
Jess: Um... well... actually, um, Ryan... had to cancel last-minute, so he's not coming. I'm so sorry.
Joan Day: Oh, honey... that's just awful. Aw... Damn men. Oh, I feel so bad for you.

Joan Day: Ooh. Take care of our pirate bride.

Joan Day: Oh, come on over, I just want to give you all a big hug. Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug. Do it, come on. Come on, we'll do a big hug ball, come on. Come on, Cece, you know how to do this.
Cece: Yep.
Joan Day: You in the white shirt.
Nick: I don't do hug balls.
Joan Day: Come on in. Hug ball jumping, hug ball jumping.

Joan Day: I liked her.
Bob Day: You did?
Joan Day: No, no.
Bob Day: I didn't think so.

Joan Day: Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you, just tell me the truth ... Did you drive my van?
Cece: Joan, I have told you this. It wasn't me.
Joan Day: Okay, I believe you. [stands up] I know it was you. Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric.

Cece: Jess, you got to let it go, okay?
Jess: No, I'm not letting it go!
Cece: You have to admit that...
Jess: No. What?
Cece: they're never gonna make it work.
Jess: No.
Joan Day: And you scratched my van.
Jess: Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van.
Joan Day: I knew it. I knew it. Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Jess: [on the phone] I know we did the right thing, I just I feel like really upset, and Nick seems totally okay and I guess I just need someone to tell me it's gonna be fine.
Joan Day: [sobbing] It's not gonna be fine, Jess. I'm never gonna be a grandmother!
Jess: What? Mom, stop crying.
Joan Day: You don't even have to love him, honey. You just have to get that sperm cooking!
Jess: Mom.
Joan Day: I'm sorry, honey, I just... You know, this is where I'm at right now.
Jess: Well, this was really comforting, Mom. [Joan sobbing over phone] It's like I'm in the womb, sucking my thumb.