Nick: Ah, so we're both going solo to the wedding.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: We're both going drag.
Jess: I think it's stag.
Nick: Hmm?
Jess: Never mind.

Reagan: So do you know the bride or the groom?
Robby: The bride destroyed my heart.
Nadia: I destroyed the groom's Jew penis.
Reagan: Mm. I hope you guys are giving a toast.

Jess: Your speech wasn't that bad.
Nick: My speech was fantastic. It's the best 17 minutes of my life. I really opened up my heart.
Jess: I was gonna say.
Nick: Nah, I'm just feeling bad about Reagan. I think I came on too strong, or-or... I don't know. She told me she's leaving tonight on a train.
Jess: On a train? Where's she going, Hogwarts?
Nick: No, San Diego. I don't know if "Hog-warts" is near San Diego. I've never heard of it.
Jess: Never mind.

Priest: May this couple be blessed and be helpful to one another in all ways.
Cece: Just when I thought you couldn't make me any happier, look what you did today. You're amazing.
Schmidt: I hope for as long as we stay together, that I always remain someone that you want to hollah at.
Cece: I look forward to a lifetime of joy, growth and constant mispronunciation of common words.
Schmidt: For the first time, I see what the rest of my life looks like.
Rabbi: I now pronounce you husband and... Oh, wait, uh, we need the glass.
[Nick hands Schmidt the "Douchebag Jar"]

Nick: As we all know, marriage is about sex and property. Everybody say that with me once. Marriage is about s... [all silent] I imagined that differently.
Schmidt: [on video call] You're okay. You're okay. Pull it together. Just let the index cards go. Speak from the heart.
Nick: You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar. And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't. When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him. I don't like his personality." Magic's fake. [guests murmuring] Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack. In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us. I mean, think about it. Do you remember your great-great grandparents or... or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter. Everyone you know will be dead.
Schmidt: That's right.
Nick: Congratulations, man. I love you.
Schmidt: Best friends.
Nick: That's my time, everybody. Thank you.
Schmidt: Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.

Winston: Coach, I've lived many lives. The Winston that you used to know is gone. A few hours ago, Aly told me she loves me, and that made me a serious man, in a serious relationship. The Winston Bishop that you see here today is about one thing and one thing only: and that is organizational excellence.
Coach: You forgot to make an aisle.
Winston: Aw, shoot. This is a full redo.

Schmidt: Look at this goddess. Don't do this to her. I swear to God, I will scream sing every last word to Les Mis.
Stewardess: Sir, if you don't sit down, I'll have you removed.
Schmidt: Perfect!
Stewardess: And placed in FBI custody.
Schmidt: [sits down] I suppose I'll just have a tomato ["tomahto"] juice.

Cece: Mom, what are you doing here?
Jess: If you've come to object to this wedding, you are too late, and in another sense, because it's delayed, you're... too early.
Priyanka: That's not at all why I'm here.
Schmidt: [on Priyanka's voice mail] Mama P. Schmidt with the latest, "Why I Love Cece." Today's episode: Honesty with a Capital Ouch.
Cece: He called you?
Priyanka: Every Monday for the past year.
Schmidt: [beeps] Your daughter is the best thing... [beeps] I just lost a fight in the desert, but... [beeps] And I want her to be the last thing I see when she pulls the plug. [beeps] But it's not an A-plus unless we both finish. [beeps] She's so beautiful. The odds are really stacked against our children.
Jess: They're not all winners.
Schmidt: [beeps] I just know that if you miss your daughter's wedding, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
Priyanka: I am delighted for you to marry this man.

Jess: Winston. I cannot believe I'm asking this... but I need you to prank this wedding. Please. Please, we need to distract people.
Coach: He's a serious man now. He doesn't prank anymore. Just look at his eyes. All the mischief's gone.
Winston: If this were another time, another day, hell, even six hours ago...
Jess: Listen to me, you bird-shirted, puzzle baby. You get out there and you do something totally idiotic right now!
Coach: [May and Coach laugh] Funston, we have a pranklem. [laughs] I'm not good at these.
May: It's a weird one.

Nick: Let's go together. For old times' sake. Let's go together. Have some fun. You're going to need someone to dance with. You know I'm a good dancer.
Jess: Okay, but I'm not dancing to "Single Ladies."
Nick: All right. We won't dance to "Single Ladies."
Jess: Okay.
Nick: I might dance to "Single Ladies."