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‘Landing Gear’ Quotes

New Girl: Landing Gear

522. Landing Gear

Aired May 10, 2016

On Schmidt and Cece's big day, Nick can't find the groom. Meanwhile, Reagan arrives to take Nick up on his invitation to the wedding.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Ah, so we're both going solo to the wedding.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: We're both going drag.
Jess: I think it's stag.
Nick: Hmm?
Jess: Never mind.

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Quote from Reagan

Reagan: So do you know the bride or the groom?
Robby: The bride destroyed my heart.
Nadia: I destroyed the groom's Jew penis.
Reagan: Mm. I hope you guys are giving a toast.

Quote from Nick

Nick: As we all know, marriage is about sex and property. Everybody say that with me once. Marriage is about s... [all silent] I imagined that differently.
Schmidt: [on video call] You're okay. You're okay. Pull it together. Just let the index cards go. Speak from the heart.
Nick: You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar. And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't. When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him." I don't like his personality." Magic's fake. [guests murmuring] Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack. In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us. I mean, think about it. Do you remember your great-great grandparents or... or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter. Everyone you know will be dead.
Schmidt: That's right.
Nick: Congratulations, man. I love you.
Schmidt: Best friends.
Nick: That's my time, everybody. Thank you.
Schmidt: Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Your speech wasn't that bad.
Nick: My speech was fantastic. It's the best 17 minutes of my life. I really opened up my heart.
Jess: I was gonna say.
Nick: Nah, I'm just feeling bad about Reagan. I think I came on too strong, or-or... I don't know. She told me she's leaving tonight on a train.
Jess: On a train? Where's she going, Hogwarts?
Nick: No, San Diego. I don't know if "Hog-warts" is near San Diego. I've never heard of it.
Jess: Never mind.

Quote from Schmidt

Priest: May this couple be blessed and be helpful to one another in all ways.
Cece: Just when I thought you couldn't make me any happier, look what you did today. You're amazing.
Schmidt: I hope for as long as we stay together, that I always remain someone that you want to hollah at.
Cece: I look forward to a lifetime of joy, growth and constant mispronunciation of common words.
Schmidt: For the first time, I see what the rest of my life looks like.
Rabbi: I now pronounce you husband and... Oh, wait, uh, we need the glass.
[Nick hands Schmidt the "Douchebag Jar"]

Quote from Winston

Winston: Coach, I've lived many lives. The Winston that you used to know is gone. A few hours ago, Aly told me she loves me, and that made me a serious man, in a serious relationship. The Winston Bishop that you see here today is about one thing and one thing only: and that is organizational excellence.
Coach: You forgot to make an aisle.
Winston: Aw, shoot. This is a full redo.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look at this goddess. Don't do this to her. I swear to God, I will scream sing every last word to Les Mis.
Stewardess: Sir, if you don't sit down, I'll have you removed.
Schmidt: Perfect!
Stewardess: And placed in FBI custody.
Schmidt: [sits down] I suppose I'll just have a tomato ["tomahto"] juice.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Let's go together. For old times' sake. Let's go together. Have some fun. You're going to need someone to dance with. You know I'm a good dancer.
Jess: Okay, but I'm not dancing to "Single Ladies."
Nick: All right. We won't dance to "Single Ladies."
Jess: Okay.
Nick: I might dance to "Single Ladies."

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: [answers phone] Schmidt, are you calling me from the sky?
Schmidt: This Chinatown bus doesn't have a sky-phone, or working landing gear, apparently. They said we're going to be stuck on the tarmac for hours.
Pregnant Woman: You're screaming in my ear.
Schmidt: That's motherhood, lady. Get used to it.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: [on the phone] This is by far the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
Schmidt: I love you so much.
Cece: This is why I'm marrying you, because you do stuff like this.
Schmidt: This is the happiest day of my life.
Cece: It's also so dumb.
Schmidt: So dumb. Like, so dumb. Just the dumbest. I want to take all your clothes off and kiss every single part of your body. I want to do stuff that makes us feel ashamed about what we've done, but we won't have to...
Cece: Babe. Hey, babe. Babe.
Schmidt: I want to make love, fall asleep while we're making love...
Cece: Okay, you're on speaker. You're on speaker, so...
Schmidt: Dream of making love and wake up still making love.
Jess: Hey.
Nick: Hey, Schmidt.
Reagan: I'm also here.
Schmidt: Cece. Listen to me. I'm not going to miss this wedding. I'm going to get off this plane no matter what. You just need to buy me an hour.

Quote from Nick

Nick: How are you?
Reagan: I'm good. How are you?
Nick: Good, yeah. Great, look at this. What is that, a towel?
Reagan: I think it's a pashmina.
Nick: "Pashomina"?
Reagan: Pashmina.

Quote from Coach

Jess: Winston. I cannot believe I'm asking this... but I need you to prank this wedding. Please. Please, we need to distract people.
Coach: He's a serious man now. He doesn't prank anymore. Just look at his eyes. All the mischief's gone.
Winston: If this were another time, another day, hell, even six hours ago...
Jess: Listen to me, you bird-shirted, puzzle baby. You get out there and you do something totally idiotic right now!
Coach: [May and Coach laugh] Funston, we have a pranklem. [laughs] I'm not good at these.
May: It's a weird one.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Mom, what are you doing here?
Jess: If you've come to object to this wedding, you are too late, and in another sense, because it's delayed, you're... too early.
Priyanka: That's not at all why I'm here.
Schmidt: [on Priyanka's voice mail] Mama P. Schmidt with the latest, "Why I Love Cece." Today's episode: Honesty with a Capital Ouch.
Cece: He called you?
Priyanka: Every Monday for the past year.
Schmidt: [beeps] Your daughter is the best thing... [beeps] I just lost a fight in the desert, but... [beeps] And I want her to be the last thing I see when she pulls the plug. [beeps] But it's not an A-plus unless we both finish. [beeps] She's so beautiful. The odds are really stacked against our children.
Jess: They're not all winners.
Schmidt: [beeps] I just know that if you miss your daughter's wedding, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
Priyanka: I am delighted for you to marry this man.

Quote from Winston

May: Ernie, give him your jacket.
Coach: What?
Winston: Give me the damn jacket.
Coach: All right, here, dude.
Winston: [o.s.] I jabbed my giblets in the breast pocket.
Coach: Tie it around your waist.
Winston: Then that leaves the front porch open or the back. I don't think this is gonna work. I'll just sit here cold and naked while my best friend gets married. Look, you were right, Coach. I'm not a serious man. I'm a nude, apple bottom, long-fronted dumb-ass. Ooh, look. At least you can change the background. Look. Now I'm in the Oval Office. That's crazy.
Coach: Winston, you're a groomsman and a bridesman. It doesn't get more serious than that. You can't miss this wedding.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: So, I mean, I feel like I really put myself out there, right? I got on a plane, and I flew across the country to see him. I couldn't get him out of my head, you know?
Jess: Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah.
Reagan: And then he says the word "relationship," and I freaked out, because... [chuckles] You know what, I don't know. Am I crazy to want a relationship with Nick? I mean, you guys were together. What happened?
Jess: We were kind of a mess. I wanted him to have a plan for his life and not keep his money in a box in his closet. And... he wanted me to not care about those things.
Reagan: That's not so bad. I mean, who really has a plan for their life?
Jess: [chuckles] Who does that? [chuckles] Me. Me. I d... I did it. I do it.
Reagan: I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who keep a very traditional banking account.
Jess: Yeah. There are. And I just dated one of 'em. And I... I don't think any of that stuff matters.
Reagan: Thank you. You are awesome.
Jess: Thanks.
Reagan: I'm gonna go do this.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: So nice of your mom to get us this trip. Much better than my dad's gift of weed gummy bears. [laughs]
Schmidt: Aah! What the hell is happening?!
Cece: What?! What is happening?!
Schmidt: No! No!
Winston: Ha-ha! Happy honeymoon!
Schmidt: Winston!
Cece: How long has he been in there?
Schmidt: It's gonna ruin the whole freaking vacation!
Winston: Honeymoon prank! What are you all drinking?


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