Kimiko: [sings] I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salad and scrambled eggs
Schmidt: Is she listening to Frasier reruns?
Nick: I'm in the middle of a fight with you.
Schmidt: There's this one episode, right? Where Niles, he's making an origami flower, and Frasier comes in and asks... Well, I'm sorry, actually, it's Daphne that comes in and asks...
Nick: Why'd you invite Todd?! Is that what Daphne asks? 'Cause if I'm Daphne, that's what I'm asking. He sucks. I could've done it! Then what does, uh, Frasier say?
Schmidt: You would never be Frasier in this scenario.
Nick: Who would I be?
Schmidt: Obviously the dad, the lazy piece of dump that sits on the chair.
Nick: And you just broke my heart. [Kumiko giggles]

Winston: I'm gonna need you to nurture me. I'm gonna need you to nurture me.
Cece: Okay, all right, I can do that part. Here we go. So, um, maybe this breakup isn't such a bad thing. Now you can stop wasting your life and find someone more realistic. Yeah, someone who's, like, in your league.
Winston: What?
Cece: Because you don't want to die alone, so you kind of have to settle and lower your standards and find someone that's just, like, in your lane.
Winston: What...?
Cece: If you stay in your lane, you'll be happy, 'cause you won't be alone. Right?
Winston: What are you saying?
Cece: Someone a little older, dumpier.
Winston: [crying] You are so bad at this.

Cece: I can't believe Jess is gonna be sequestered for so long.
Winston: Who am I supposed to go to for lady advice now? I mean, I'm having a real crisis with KC.
Nick: It's not a crisis. She posted a photo of another dude; it's no big deal.
Winston: Yeah, but when I asked her about it, she said, "He's a work friend, Winston. Slow down." I'm like, "Slow down? "We've been dating for four months already. I've seen one of your breasts."
Schmidt: What was the situation where you only saw one of her breasts?
Winston: We were playing dinosaur.

Nick: Trust me, it'll work. I've done the math, and if we rent out every room for a month, we'll have enough money, we won't need Todd.
Schmidt: The hospitality industry is fast-paced and it's detail-oriented. And you have the focus of a coked-up Italian on a summer day.
Nick: I'm very focused.
Schmidt: You're not even looking at me right now.
Nick: I thought I saw something shiny. Um... But no, it was nothing.
Schmidt: How do you drive your car and not hit people?
Nick: I have never been more focused in my-- It was a spoon. I saw the... it was just a spoon.

Winston: This is your fault. I need Jess.
Cece: No, you know what, no, you don't need, you don't need Jess. 'Cause I'm here, and I've got this. So what can I do that's Jess-like? You want some, you want some tea? You want, like, cupcakes or a cute song?
Winston: I need Jess.
Cece: Um, okay, you know what, I'm gonna do the tea thing. How about I do the tea thing for you, and then I'll, it'll soothe you, okay? So, how do I, how do you make tea?
Winston: How do you make tea?!
Cece: I'll fig... I'll figure it out. I'll just get some water and I'll ta...
Winston: Yeah.
Cece: You know, it's...
Winston: Water and leaves! Water and leaves!
Cece: Water and leaves.

Cece: Sorry, Winston, I mean, this is all my fault.
Winston: No, no, no, no, no. No, Cece, you're fine. You were right. You really were. I mean, KC and I were, we weren't going anywhere. Let's be honest. I just want to find somebody, Cece; I really do. So bad it hurts. From my head to my turd pipe.
Cece: That's... sweet.

Schmidt: No... Todd is in town.
Nick: Ploons? Are you kidding me? Went to college with this guy. He's the worst guy on Planet Earth. His grandfather invented the springs that go inside pens. He's got, like, a billion dollars. Once he paid apl.de.ap from The Black Eyed Peas to hang out with him, just so he could look cool.
[flashback to a guy dancing in a college dorm room:]
apl.de.ap: How much are you guys gettin' paid for this?
Nick: Bunch of marijuana.
Schmidt: And these carrots.

Nick: Ugh. I just got a text from him. "Nick the Dick"-- hate that-- "it's Hot Daddy T"-- hate that-- "in La-La Land."-- hate that-- "Excited to talk "bachelor party with you. Vegas... question..." He spelled "Vegas" with two S's.
Winston: He spelled it with two? That's ass. That's Veg-ass. You see what he did? You see what he did?
Nick: It's so like Ploons to assume he's coming to the bachelors party.
Schmidt: He said Vegas?
Nick: You can't invite him, Schmidt.
Schmidt: On the other hand, you know, a bachelor party does cost a lot of money.
Nick: I'm your best man. I got this bachelors party under control, buddy.
Schmidt: First of all, you're saying "bachelors party," which is wrong.

Schmidt: We don't have to go anywhere.
Nick: You want to go somewhere, right?
Schmidt: Uh...
Nick: We're going someplace. Someplace that is so much better than what Ploons could do.
Schmidt: Well, he'd go to Vegas, which...which soun ds awesome.
Nick: We're going to Tokyo! I mean, look at you. You're obsessed with Japanese culture, you wear the kimono, right? I'm gonna take you where Ploons can never take you. I'm taking you to Tokyo.
Schmidt: [choked up] This... this is pimp. This is so pimp.
Winston: [crying] I just really need to know, um... [clears throat] I was gonna say, how are we paying for all of this?
Schmidt: Doesn't matter.
Nick: How does anybody pay for anything?

Schmidt: Hey, there's a stranger in the bathroom.
Nick: That's just Brandon.
Schmidt: Who the hell is Brandon?
Nick: Brandon's how we're paying for Tokyo, Schmidt. You see, I put a thing online. I'm renting out Jess's room while she's gone.
Schmidt: Oh...
Nick: I'm gonna rent out all the rooms.
Schmidt: Are you insane?
Nick: I don't think so, no.