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‘No Girl’ Quotes

New Girl: No Girl

504. No Girl

Aired January 26, 2016

With Jess sequestered for jury duty, Nick rents out her room to make money for Schmidt's bachelor party. Meanwhile, Winston turns to Cece for support when he suspects KC is cheating on him.

Quote from Schmidt

Kimiko: [sings] I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salad and scrambled eggs
Schmidt: Is she listening to Frasier reruns?
Nick: I'm in the middle of a fight with you.
Schmidt: There's this one episode, right? Where Niles, he's making an origami flower, and Frasier comes in and asks... Well, I'm sorry, actually, it's Daphne that comes in and asks...
Nick: Why'd you invite Todd?! Is that what Daphne asks? 'Cause if I'm Daphne, that's what I'm asking. He sucks. I could've done it! Then what does, uh, Frasier say?
Schmidt: You would never be Frasier in this scenario.
Nick: Who would I be?
Schmidt: Obviously the dad, the lazy piece of dump that sits on the chair.
Nick: And you just broke my heart. [Kumiko giggles]

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Quote from Cece

Winston: I'm gonna need you to nurture me. I'm gonna need you to nurture me.
Cece: Okay, all right, I can do that part. Here we go. So, um, maybe this breakup isn't such a bad thing. Now you can stop wasting your life and find someone more realistic. Yeah, someone who's, like, in your league.
Winston: What?
Cece: Because you don't want to die alone, so you kind of have to settle and lower your standards and find someone that's just, like, in your lane.
Winston: What...?
Cece: If you stay in your lane, you'll be happy, 'cause you won't be alone. Right?
Winston: What are you saying?
Cece: Someone a little older, dumpier.
Winston: [crying] You are so bad at this.

Quote from Winston

Cece: I can't believe Jess is gonna be sequestered for so long.
Winston: Who am I supposed to go to for lady advice now? I mean, I'm having a real crisis with KC.
Nick: It's not a crisis. She posted a photo of another dude; it's no big deal.
Winston: Yeah, but when I asked her about it, she said, "He's a work friend, Winston. Slow down." I'm like, "Slow down? "We've been dating for four months already. I've seen one of your breasts."
Schmidt: What was the situation where you only saw one of her breasts?
Winston: We were playing dinosaur.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Trust me, it'll work. I've done the math, and if we rent out every room for a month, we'll have enough money, we won't need Todd.
Schmidt: The hospitality industry is fast-paced and it's detail-oriented. And you have the focus of a coked-up Italian on a summer day.
Nick: I'm very focused.
Schmidt: You're not even looking at me right now.
Nick: I thought I saw something shiny. Um... But no, it was nothing.
Schmidt: How do you drive your car and not hit people?
Nick: I have never been more focused in my-- It was a spoon. I saw the... it was just a spoon.

Quote from Cece

Winston: This is your fault. I need Jess.
Cece: No, you know what, no, you don't need, you don't need Jess. 'Cause I'm here, and I've got this. So what can I do that's Jess-like? You want some, you want some tea? You want, like, cupcakes or a cute song?
Winston: I need Jess.
Cece: Um, okay, you know what, I'm gonna do the tea thing. How about I do the tea thing for you, and then I'll, it'll soothe you, okay? So, how do I, how do you make tea?
Winston: How do you make tea?!
Cece: I'll fig... I'll figure it out. I'll just get some water and I'll ta...
Winston: Yeah.
Cece: You know, it's...
Winston: Water and leaves! Water and leaves!
Cece: Water and leaves.

Quote from Winston

Cece: Sorry, Winston, I mean, this is all my fault.
Winston: No, no, no, no, no. No, Cece, you're fine. You were right. You really were. I mean, KC and I were, we weren't going anywhere. Let's be honest. I just want to find somebody, Cece; I really do. So bad it hurts. From my head to my turd pipe.
Cece: That's... sweet.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: No... Todd is in town.
Nick: Ploons? Are you kidding me? Went to college with this guy. He's the worst guy on Planet Earth. His grandfather invented the springs that go inside pens. He's got, like, a billion dollars. Once he paid apl.de.ap from The Black Eyed Peas to hang out with him, just so he could look cool.
[flashback to a guy dancing in a college dorm room:]
apl.de.ap: How much are you guys gettin' paid for this?
Nick: Bunch of marijuana.
Schmidt: And these carrots.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Ugh. I just got a text from him. "Nick the Dick"-- hate that-- "it's Hot Daddy T"-- hate that-- "in La-La Land."-- hate that-- "Excited to talk "bachelor party with you. Vegas... question..." He spelled "Vegas" with two S's.
Winston: He spelled it with two? That's ass. That's Veg-ass. You see what he did? You see what he did?
Nick: It's so like Ploons to assume he's coming to the bachelors party.
Schmidt: He said Vegas?
Nick: You can't invite him, Schmidt.
Schmidt: On the other hand, you know, a bachelor party does cost a lot of money.
Nick: I'm your best man. I got this bachelors party under control, buddy.
Schmidt: First of all, you're saying "bachelors party," which is wrong.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: We don't have to go anywhere.
Nick: You want to go somewhere, right?
Schmidt: Uh...
Nick: We're going someplace. Someplace that is so much better than what Ploons could do.
Schmidt: Well, he'd go to Vegas, which...which soun ds awesome.
Nick: We're going to Tokyo! I mean, look at you. You're obsessed with Japanese culture, you wear the kimono, right? I'm gonna take you where Ploons can never take you. I'm taking you to Tokyo.
Schmidt: [choked up] This... this is pimp. This is so pimp.
Winston: [crying] I just really need to know, um... [clears throat] I was gonna say, how are we paying for all of this?
Schmidt: Doesn't matter.
Nick: How does anybody pay for anything?

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Hey, there's a stranger in the bathroom.
Nick: That's just Brandon.
Schmidt: Who the hell is Brandon?
Nick: Brandon's how we're paying for Tokyo, Schmidt. You see, I put a thing online. I'm renting out Jess's room while she's gone.
Schmidt: Oh...
Nick: I'm gonna rent out all the rooms.
Schmidt: Are you insane?
Nick: I don't think so, no.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Do you have any idea the amount of bodily fluids that people let loose on vacation?
Nick: Brandon's a really good guy. He's just here to finish his novel.
Schmidt: I appreciate the effort, I do, but we don't need to go to... we don't need to go to Tokyo. Not for this. I'm not willing to turn our home into a public pool.
Nick: One: I understand your concern, and I'll make note of it.
Schmidt: You're not even typing.
Nick: Two: I already bought the tickets, and they're nonrefundable. We need to come up with $9,000.

Quote from Cece

Cece: You don't need Jess's bowl of advice, Winston, all right?
Winston: I really do, Cece. I mean, look. She's cheating on me. KC's cheating on me. Hmm. The same thing happened with Daisy. Everything's all good, then all of a sudden, she's hiding a basketball player in the shower and I own a cat! I'm in a cycle. I'm in a bad woman cycle.
Cece: She posts a picture with a hot guy, you post a picture with a hot girl.
Winston: That-that's great. That's perfect advice, Cece.
Cece: I know. Thank you very much. You're welcome.
Winston: If only I knew a hot girl.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Nick, let's just call Todd. Let's bite the bullet...
Nick: No, Schmidt, we don't need his money. Look at me. [Schmidt sighs] Schmidty, I'm your best man. And I may not be a rich man. The only thing my parents invented was a wand to push the buttons on the microwave from the table, so you don't have to get up.
Schmidt: You mean like a stick?

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: My point is, it's my job to give you the bachelors party of your dreams. And I intend on doing that. Why don't you close your eyes for me? What do you see when you see your dream bachelors party?
Schmidt: Sushi.
Nick: [chuckles] A lot of it.
Schmidt: Sake. Honor.
Nick: And no Todd, right? Look around. Is Todd there? 'Cause we don't need him. We can do this. I want you to look at me and tell me you believe we can do this. Do you believe, Schmidty? Do you believe? Schmidty? Do you believe?
Schmidt: I believe!
Nick: Do you believe?
Schmidt: I believe!
Nick: Yeah!
Schmidt: I'm gonna eat sushi off my own ass!

Quote from Nick

Cece: So you're just full-blown running a hotel now?
Schmidt: It's a boutique hotel, yes.
Nick: We are offering a premier experience in a competitive marketplace. Okay? And the reviews are everything. So grab a vacuum...
Cece: I'm gonna go take my 15.
Nick: It's not time for a break. You just started working.
Schmidt: It takes a staff to run...
Nick: There's no work ethic there-- how do you work...?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Everybody's taking their 15. Got no staff.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Okay, you just... stay there for a second, cowboy. Please. We're running a business here. We're running a hotel. No sex with the guests. You gotta focus, here.
Nick: Hey, you know this: I'm a businessman first.
Schmidt: Yes.
Nick: I'm a sex guy second.

Quote from Schmidt

Brandon: Sorry about that glass. [chuckles] I was in a zone writing, and I just...
Schmidt: It's just a glass, right?
Brandon: Yeah.
Schmidt: As a reminder, there are some plastic disposable cups, literally right there, so there's no need to rummage through the cabinets with your travelers' hands.

Quote from Schmidt

Brandon: [glass smashes] Oh! Nuts.
Schmidt: You weak-handed moron!
Nick: Hey!
Schmidt: Who also is our cherished guest here.
Brandon: It's just the weight of it. The liquid and the balance of it... I'm so sorry. I'll help clean it up.
Schmidt: No, please, let me clean it up. You keep writing.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Nick, I would just like to say that you had a vision for this hotel. I'd also like to say that I may die alone.
Nick: It could happen.
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: Be nice if you surprised us.
Winston: I'll try.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Why can't you charge Kumiko?
Nick: To be honest, because we had a sexual encounter.
Cece: There we go.
Winston: Shame, shame.
Schmidt: I knew it, Nick! You weren't in the bathroom fixing the shower. You were showing her the business center.
Nick: Okay, in my defense, it wasn't in the shower. It was in the hallway for a few moments.
Schmidt: Don't refer to it as a hallway. Yuck.
Nick: I literally meant the hallway. And it was vibrant, if that's a word you could use in this situation, 'cause that's what it was; it was like...

Quote from Nick

Nick: I had a... I enjoyed our special time today. I haven't taken my pants off in front of a woman in quite some time. I'm sorry that the pretzel fell out. That was unexpected. I honestly don't know how long it was in my underpants, and that was disturbing to me. Thank you for not overreacting to it. I'm here to talk about money. American currency. Our special time was not included, financially, in the room rate. 'Cause I'm running a business. And I can't be soft here.
Kumiko: I understand. I give you money.
Nick: Thank you for being so cool! That's what-- Yes.
Kumiko: You are prostitute. Working boy.
Nick: No, no. I want sex. You want sex. But need money.
Kumiko: Prostitute.
Nick: Hotel owner.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I got so much love to give, Cece. I really do, so why am I always on the phone, getting dumped, crying my eyes out like an idiot?
Cece: Well, there must be something that you can do.
Winston: Well, you know, if Jess were here, she would tell me to: [imitating Jess]: "Just believe in yourself, Winston, and, like, be positive."

Quote from Winston

Cece: Well, forget what Jess would say and forget what I would say. What do you think would really break the cycle?
Winston: I just want, for once in my life, for someone to cry over me.
Cece: Right, okay, explore that.
Winston: Somebody to just cry because of... That's a great idea, Cece!
Cece: It is?
Winston: Yes! This is what I'm gonna do. We're gonna make KC cry over me.
Cece: Oh! Oh, no, no, that's not, that's not where I thought you were going--
Winston: We're gonna make a girl cry today!

Quote from Cece

Cece: KC, um... I really... wish I didn't have to be the one to tell you this, but Winston is dead.
KC: Wait, what?
Cece: Yeah, uh...
KC: Oh, my God! Uh, yeah, he... Oh, my God!
Man: You okay, babe?
KC: No!
Cece: Oh, the...? So you were...? Well, then, um, KC, you should know that Winston's last words, right before the truck...
KC: Oh.
Cece: hit him... were, um, "This is all KC's fault. And I wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for her." [KC wailing]
Winston: Hah! [KC screams] It's me and I'm alive!
Cece: He's alive!
Winston: Scared this dude.
Cece: I know.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, guy from the picture, if that's your real name, y'all look good together. We out.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You've changed my life, Cece.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Winston: The cycle is broken! It's a whole new day. From now on, the woman I'm in a relationship with is gonna be crying over me!
Cece: That shouldn't be the goal, though. You know that, right?
Winston: I want some ice cream.
Cece: Never tell anyone we did this.
Winston: Can we get some ice cream?


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