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‘What About Fred’ Quotes

New Girl: What About Fred

502. What About Fred

Aired January 12, 2016

After Jess is set up on a blind date with Fred (Taran Killam), she bonds with his parents Flip (Henry Winkler) and Nancy (Julie Hagerty). Meanwhile, Schmidt pushes Nick to be a tougher boss now they co-own the bar.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So Fred's not shy, he just sucks. When I asked him what his favorite hobby was, he said, "Towels." I got to break up with that human pile of saltine dust.

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Quote from Winston

Winston: I love Flip! I mean, Flip taught me how to be vulnerable with KC, you know? Yeah. Nancy ear-candled me. I can hear for miles.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: It was that bad, huh?
Schmidt: No, Birdman was bad. This... this was a disaster. I'm here to help you, okay? Look, I have over nearly ten years of experience in the corporate world.
Nick: What's "over nearly ten"?
Schmidt: "Nearly ten" would be eight or nine years. I have... I have over nine years.
Nick: That's different, yeah.
Schmidt: Got you a tie. Corporate 101. Dress better than your employees. Reminds them that they're inferior.
Nick: I'd wear a tie, but only on my butt, like it were a tail. A tail tie.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey. Look at that. What a game, right? Screw the boss? Oh, wait. That's you. It's up to you to take charge now.
Nick: Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm the manager.
Schmidt: What you need to do is set a meeting. Establish yourself as a leader. Within every man there is a man... ager. [pats Nick's chest] What's-what's going on there?
Nick: What do you mean?
Schmidt: Your rib cage has give.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You know, KC still hasn't texted me back. I've been on five dates with her-- five dates, and I still don't know where I stand.
Jess: New relationships are so hard! They take so much work.
Winston: So much work. It's like... it's like making a risotto; a risotto in your heart.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Wasn't Sadie gonna hook you up with, uh, that guy?
Jess: Oh, yeah, Fred. He invited me to watch a movie-- at his house. During the day. Doesn't that make it sound like he's a boy who's allergic to everything?

Quote from Winston

Winston: Furguson, you have a knot! That salt water in here? You been hanging down at the wharf again?
Jess: Guess what. I took a chance with that guy Fred, and I'm in love.
Nick: That's incredible.
Jess: With his parents, but I'm in love!
Winston: Furguson, clear my schedule. I need a word with your sister.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, do not talk to me like I'm some bastard who doesn't enjoy a good sunset. But if you really want to be in a relationship...
Jess: Then I have to get to know Fred. Ha! You know what? Tomorrow, I'm gonna just crack him open like a cold beer.
Winston: You know what's a good date?
Jess: Hmm?
Winston: Errands and a smoothie.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, everyone, listen up. Here are your new uniforms.
Javier: Oh, you got to be kidding. [Cece groans] Save your groans for Birdman!
Schmidt: From now on, we will measure drinks.
Big Bob: Oh, man.
Schmidt: And we have a new one-napkin policy.
Cece: Just one napkin?
Schmidt: Questions at the end, please. Should somebody ask you for a second napkin, you just say, "Are you sure?" Nine times out of ten, they'll just back off and say, "Thanks." Now please go try on your new polos.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Can I have a word with you? Hey, Schmidt, everything you just said makes me want to give you a wedgie in front of the others.
Schmidt: You need to rule with an iron fist. No mercy.
Nick: You're not suggesting Cobra Kai rules? [Schmidt nods] I'm not doing it! They're my friends!
Schmidt: Your friends are gonna lose their jobs if this bar goes under.
Nick: Ooh! I never thought I would say this, but... give me the tie.
Schmidt: Now we're talking.
Nick: No mercy.
Schmidt: Corporate leader is born. Don't-don't put it around your head.

Quote from Cece

Nick: I feel like a car rental agent.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, you look like a prince. Now, go. Go be a boss.
Nick: Hey, Cece. Um, we measure our drinks now. Am I right? So, uh, do as I say.
Cece: [laughs] Of course. Use the thing.
Nick: Sorry, just, you know, it's important. You know, with the... consist...
[Cece pours the bottle of rum over the shot-measurement jigger, overflowing to fill a large glass]
Cece: Is this the exact thing that you wanted to have happen? I wouldn't want to get anything on my new uniform.
Nick: That's, like, six shots. So you have to charge...
Schmidt: [to Nick] That was some sass. You're at a real crossroads here. This is a big moment for you. There is no fear in this dojo!

Quote from Cece

Cece: Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You just fired Javier? You are out of control, Miller. I'm not gonna take it anymore, and you guys shouldn't, either. Okay, let's show management exactly what we think of their policies. Let's walk! [to Schmidt] I'm sorry, bae, you're gonna have to keep it separate.
Schmidt: Totally get it. Love you, bae.
Cece: All right. Let's go.
Schmidt: [to Nick] That was bad. But can we just take a moment to appreciate Cece? I mean, the effect that she has on people-- it's really incredible. I can't believe... she's marrying me. Me. I mean... like, what?

Quote from Winston

Winston: Boy, Furguson, this knot is getting worse. [chuckles] We are in a hairy situation, my friend.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Jess, what the hell are you doing?
Jess: They're just the most amazing people I've ever met.
Winston: What happened to the one-on-one with Fred?
Jess: He's just so quiet; I can't get a read on him.
Winston: Jess... if you want a comfy, old relationship, you got to start somewhere. All right? Go spend five minutes alone with him, now. Go get some cheese for the wine. Chevre is always nice. But I wouldn't dare tell you how to buy cheese.
Jess: You're being so assertive right now. It's almost attractive.
Winston: Hey, not now. Not the time.

Quote from Winston

Flip: Here's something that I learned from our relationship. When you feel a knot... you take a deep breath and you stare at it and face it without fear or judgment.
Nancy: I don't think that it's Furgy's knot that's bothering you.
Flip: Ooh.
Nancy: I think that the knot that's bothering you is right there. [pats Winston's chest]
Winston: [sighs] Uh, wow, I, um... I don't know where I stand with my girl, and I can't talk to her, because I am ashamed.
Nancy: Aw...
Flip: Did he just say "ashamed"?
Winston: Yeah, that's what I said.
Flip: Ashamed... of being beautiful? Of being a man? Of being passionate? Ha! Then I'm ashamed, too. I say to you... let her in.

Quote from Cece

Nick: I don't understand what Cece's doing here. She led the walk-out. If she's gonna be here, can she at least help us?!
Cece: I am not gonna scab. [to Schmidt] Sorry, bae, I cannot scab, but I'm here for you as your fiancée.
Schmidt: You are my rock right now. Do you need anything?
Cece: No, I'm good, babe.
Schmidt: Okay, just let me know if you do. [to Nick] We are screwed!

Quote from Jess

Nancy: Okay, Jess, uh, what's going on here?
Flip: Spill it.
Jess: Well... [groans] it's just, you guys are so amazing. And it's really rough out there, and it's nice to be around something so great. And I-I'm not really a love match with your son, but I think I might be in love with you guys.
Nancy: [chuckles] Jess, we-we are glad that you think that we're amazing.
Flip: Yes, we are.
Nancy: And we think that you're amazing.
Flip: Yes, we do.
Nancy: And, um... we know that Fred isn't the best. We live with him.
Flip: You know, he can be so boring. I-It's like the apple fell so far from the tree, it fell in a truck and then disappeared across state lines.
Jess: [chuckles] You guys are very honest.

Quote from Jess

Nancy: Did Fred ever tell you that he loves model trains?
Flip: Oh, those model trains.
Jess: But he's your son.
Nancy: And we love him.
Flip: Deeply. And that's why we want to make a deal with you.
Nancy: You and Fred equals you and us.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know what, Nick, you were right. A bar isn't just a place of business. It's a place for people.
Nick: Mm.
Schmidt: Which is something I truly hate about it. Bunch of bottom-feeders here. Chum at the bottom of the ocean. Yuck.


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