TV Quotes

Jess: So Fred's not shy, he just sucks. When I asked him what his favorite hobby was, he said, "Towels." I got to break up with that human pile of saltine dust.

Winston: I love Flip! I mean, Flip taught me how to be vulnerable with KC, you know? Yeah. Nancy ear-candled me. I can hear for miles.

Nick: It was that bad, huh?
Schmidt: No, Birdman was bad. This... this was a disaster. I'm here to help you, okay? Look, I have over nearly ten years of experience in the corporate world.
Nick: What's "over nearly ten"?
Schmidt: "Nearly ten" would be eight or nine years. I have... I have over nine years.
Nick: That's different, yeah.
Schmidt: Got you a tie. Corporate 101. Dress better than your employees. Reminds them that they're inferior.
Nick: I'd wear a tie, but only on my butt, like it were a tail. A tail tie.

Schmidt: You know what, Nick, you were right. A bar isn't just a place of business. It's a place for people.
Nick: Mm.
Schmidt: Which is something I truly hate about it. Bunch of bottom-feeders here. Chum at the bottom of the ocean. Yuck.

Schmidt: Hey. Look at that. What a game, right? Screw the boss? Oh, wait. That's you. It's up to you to take charge now.
Nick: Oh, yeah, 'cause I'm the manager.
Schmidt: What you need to do is set a meeting. Establish yourself as a leader. Within every man there is a man... ager. [pats Nick's chest] What's-what's going on there?
Nick: What do you mean?
Schmidt: Your rib cage has give.

Winston: You know, KC still hasn't texted me back. I've been on five dates with her-- five dates, and I still don't know where I stand.
Jess: New relationships are so hard! They take so much work.
Winston: So much work. It's like... it's like making a risotto; a risotto in your heart.

Cece: Wasn't Sadie gonna hook you up with, uh, that guy?
Jess: Oh, yeah, Fred. He invited me to watch a movie-- at his house. During the day. Doesn't that make it sound like he's a boy who's allergic to everything?

Winston: Furguson, you have a knot! That salt water in here? You been hanging down at the wharf again?
Jess: Guess what. I took a chance with that guy Fred, and I'm in love.
Nick: That's incredible.
Jess: With his parents, but I'm in love!
Winston: Furguson, clear my schedule. I need a word with your sister.

Winston: Hey, do not talk to me like I'm some bastard who doesn't enjoy a good sunset. But if you really want to be in a relationship...
Jess: Then I have to get to know Fred. Ha! You know what? Tomorrow, I'm gonna just crack him open like a cold beer.
Winston: You know what's a good date?
Jess: Hmm?
Winston: Errands and a smoothie.

Schmidt: Okay, everyone, listen up. Here are your new uniforms.
Javier: Oh, you got to be kidding. [Cece groans] Save your groans for Birdman!
Schmidt: From now on, we will measure drinks.
Big Bob: Oh, man.
Schmidt: And we have a new one-napkin policy.
Cece: Just one napkin?
Schmidt: Questions at the end, please. Should somebody ask you for a second napkin, you just say, "Are you sure?" Nine times out of ten, they'll just back off and say, "Thanks." Now please go try on your new polos.