TV Quotes

Winston: Thank you for doing this, by the way. This is great.
Aly: Slow night. Just been driving around, mouthing along to hip-hop songs.
Fred: Miss Officer, can we go? I'm very hungry, and my possible girlfriend and parents are waiting for us to order, and it feels like you've done over a million tests.
Winston: That's what I been saying! Where is the justice?
Aly: You can go when I tell you to go. Now, for your next test... I want you to pretend you're about to break-dance, but do not actually break-dance.
Winston: Break-dance-- that's it. [Fred grumbling]
Aly: I didn't mean... Buddy, I'm talk... Why would he take that upon him...
Winston: Don't ask.
Aly: I mean, whatever. Man, he's dumb! Give us more hands. Do it more animated. But less alive.
Winston: That's pretty good.
Aly: Keep all of that, but pretend you're underwater. Deeper. Deeper.

Notary: And, uh, one last signature here. Congratulations.
Schmidt: We are official part owners of the bar! Ah! Yes!
Nick: Sir, we won't let you down.
Notary: I'm just a notary.
Nick: Hey, the note... arize. All right, we're not gonna let you down.

Cece: It's gonna be a little weird, you know, me working for you.
Schmidt: No, no, babe. We're gonna keep it separate. Ass-Strat's my day job. I'm more of a "show up late night with my Argentinian friends" type of owner. Nick's in charge. He's got it.

Jess: Damn! This is a dope-ass home theater. [laughs]
Fred: I'm gonna hit the bathroom real quick.
Fred: Okay. Well, hurry back before previews begin. [laughs] That was a joke, 'cause I feel like I'm in a real theater here. I mean, this is amazing. Thank you. Thank you for inviting me. [door closes; door opens]
Jess: Oh, that was fast.
Flip: Hi. Didn't mean to startle. Just wanted to know if you wanted some snacks during the movie. I've just made a fresh pot of coffee.
Nancy: We're Flip and Nancy. Fred's parents. Mm.
Jess: Oh! [chuckles] Fred lives with his parents. Now I see where he gets his looks. And his house. [chuckles]

Jess: Guys, seriously. I'm... I'm not hungry.
Fred: You can't watch the movie on an empty stomach. Hey, cool your jets until you have some of our coffee.
Nancy: Beans are from Portland.
Jess: Oh, that's funny. [chuckles] I'm from Portland.
Fred: Do you know my last book signing was at Powell's Books?
Jess: Oh, no way. You're-you're a writer?
Fred: Well, I'm just a fool with a few stories.
Nancy: Oh, you're just being modest.
Fred: And you are being lovely.
Nancy: Oh. [giggles]
Jess: You guys are so sweet together.
Fred: That's because we're still on our honeymoon.
Nancy: 35 wonderful years of marriage.
Flip: Feels like two to me. Oh.
Nancy: Feels like one.
Flip: Like we just met.

Cece: Nick, what are we doing here? [laughter]
Nick: [Nick & Schmidt clear throats] Each-each of you know me.
Cece: Yeah.
Nick: If you don't, my name is Nicholas Miller. I'm an American from Chicago. I'm your new boss, so you'll do what I say. When the cave people went to the cave bar, and they asked for a drink on the rocks, they actually meant it. [laughs] Now that we're all laughing... It says, "Wait for laughs." [sighs] I... Anybody have any questions?
Javier: I have a question.
Nick: Please. Anything.
Javier: Your mother. [laughter]
Nick: Your mother. I love it. Thank you for breaking the ice.
Cece: I know! [laughter]
Nick: I must look so stupid! "Hey, get over here. I got a meeting." What an idiot, huh?

Jess: When Nancy was in Zimbabwe building clean water systems, Flip dropped everything to go over there and be with her, and they put Fred in tribal school.
Winston: You seem like you're on cocaine.
Jess: [chuckles] Yeah, right. Flip and Nancy and I hate drugs.
Winston: Okay, yeah, great. What do you like about Fred?
Jess: Well, I didn't really get any time with him, 'cause Flip and Nancy wanted to watch the sunset.

Flip: Fred'll be right down. You know, Nan and I are just packing up some books and paints for a park day!
Jess: A park day?!
Nancy: Yes, it's from when we used to live in Paris. You should come!
Jess: Well, look, um, I would love to, uh, but, um, I have to, uh, spend a little one-on-one time with, uh, this one.
Fred: When can chill with my parents.
Jess: Okay.
Flip: Yes!
Nancy: Oh! Great! Here's some paint.
Flip: Coffee?

Nick: Hey, Javier? Where's-where's your shirt?
Javier: Oh, it's so crazy, Nick. Someone broke into my house last night and stole that ugly shirt.
Nick: [chuckles] Yeah... [off Schmidt's look] I don't believe that.
Javier: Oh, it's boxy on me, dude.
Nick: As your boss... Javier, I need you to put your shirt on. I need you to put it on... your mother. [chuckles] Hey, no mother jokes. Javier, do not slide that right now, okay? I mean it. Do not... [Javier slides the shot and it smashes a glass] You're fired.
Javier: What?
Schmidt: Whoa, what?
Javier: You changed, man. That is some Jeffrey Tambor stuff, dude.

Fred: What a wonderful cheese store. They had so many options. That's good, 'cause I love cheese. All kinds of cheese. Orange cheese, pizza cheese. I love all parts of pizzas, especially the dough. Once I asked for a ball of dough, and they gave it to me, and I took it to a park and ate it.
Jess: I'm so glad you opened up.
Fred: But then I realized I needed some sauce...

Jess: Their relationship's just such an inspiration, and I want to be around it, but what can we do?
Winston: We ditch Fred. Forget about that dude. We establish our own relationships with Flip and Nancy. Boom. Make future plans with just them.
Jess: "Future plans" is redundant, but other than that, I am on board! Okay. Now, I'm gonna need some alone time with Flip and Nancy. Can you stall Fred?
Winston: Can I stall Fred? Of course I can stall Fred. I would do anything. I love Flip and Nancy.
Jess: Me, too! Are we totally crazy?
Winston: Maybe! I don't even care!
Jess: I don't even care, either.
Winston: Hmm.

Nick: Shut up! I'm trying my hardest! I shouldn't have fired Javier. I got to apologize. This is all my fault.
Schmidt: Obviously, this is your fault-- everybody knows that-- but a boss never apologizes. It shows weakness.
Cece: I feel like if Javier came back, the rest of the staff would come back.
Schmidt: That's a great idea.
Nick: I just said that.
Schmidt: Such a great idea. [kisses Cece]
Nick: Well, then give me one, because I said it first. If you're giving it for that idea, if it's about that idea, then I deserve one. But I don't want one. And I felt left out. [clamoring continues] Shut up!

Nancy: Well, I wonder what's taking them.
Jess: Probably just the traff. You know, the old 'ic. [both laugh]
Flip: "The old 'ic."
Jess: Anyway, I was thinking, um, is there anything you guys like to do that Fred doesn't like to do? 'Cause I-I kind of... I kind of just want to hang out with you guys and not Fred.
Nancy: Hmm.

Schmidt: Wow. L-Lovely home. Look, Javier, we've-we've come to give you an incredible opportunity: for you to apologize and get your job back. So, what do you say? [chuckles] Okay, uh, well, Javier, let me tell you something. Uh, I've been in the business world for just shy of half of two decades, and I can tell you that an opportunity like this does not come along often, so... Your boss is extending his hand.
Nick: Schmidt, stop. Look, Javier, I'm sorry. I messed up.
Schmidt: Nick, don't apologize.
Nick: I've never been a boss before, and it's weird, man. You're my friend, Javier. Remember when your cousin was in town and-and my cousin was in town and we kissed each other's cousins and... then we peed on the ice maker?
Javier: Yes. I remember that fondly.
Schmidt: So rough.
Nick: Look, we both chose the bar over other stuff. I-I could've been a lawyer, and-and you were a dentist.
Schmidt: Were you really? You were gonna be a dentist?
Javier: Endodontist.
Nick: Look, it's my job to keep the bar open, but I still want it to be a great place to work. If you come back, that'll be my top priority. That and getting your old skanky cousin back in town, so I could make out with her. And my skanky cousin back in town, so you could make out with her. So what do you say?
Javier: I say... ...your mother. [chuckles]

Jess: Okay, so you're saying that if I date Fred that we can all keep hanging out together.
Nancy: Yes. We don't want you to lose us or for us to lose you. You're the child that we always wanted to have. Imagine us as grandparents.
Jess: You think I haven't already?
Nancy: You'll learn to love Fred. And even better, you'll never have to go on a first date again.
Jess: Yeah. That sounds really good.
Nancy: There's no rush. I mean, why don't we go up to the Vermont house in the next few weeks and all be together?
Jess: Vermont house?
Flip: Oh, yeah. It's an 18th century farmhouse that we kind of refurbished.
Jess: Gah. Oh.
Flip: We send romantic notes on the clothesline.
Jess: Oh, my geez.
Nancy: And a loom in the barn.
Jess: [chuckles] Poof.

Winston: Look, I am terribly sorry, you guys. We got held up by an overzealous cop.
Nancy: Well, now, Fred, uh, Jess was just saying how much she likes model trains, right, Jess?
Fred: I didn't know you were a railie. That's so great. What's your gauge? Are you a G gauge? Uh, G scale, gauge one? HO scale? TT scale? Probably not a tabletop girl, right? Do you do it costumed? Or do you just do it leisurely? I deal mostly with the, uh, transitional era, post-Industrial Revolution. [Flip groans] I collect a lot of open-air coal engines. I'm the president of my module group, actually. We use horn hook couplers, so I'm kind of one of the best at scenery building. Uh, just finished this beautiful sanitation depot, made completely out of balsa. I also was the first to implement wire-framed humans, so that the people are poseable. Station agent
is now... now he can bend his arm to say hello as the train passes. There's one little girl I use-- I call her Sally. I'm also quite good at flocking snow, so I'm very popular around the holidays.
Jess: Ah! Stop! Please stop. I just, uh... I ca... I can't do this. I can't believe I was even considering doing this. I can't just settle down to settle down.
Flip: I really, really want you to consider what you're giving up.
Nancy: Yeah, Terry Gross owns the house next to us in Vermont.
Jess: Oh, my God. Do you run into her at syrup festivals?
Fred: We had a horse. Until it ran away. Its name was Daniel. Daniel Boulevard. I got to pick the last name, and I named him while we were in the car.
Jess: I have to go!

Jess: Let's go.
Winston: [to Flip and Nancy] Hey, listen, Jess and I really aren't that close. I'm all about horses.
Jess: We're going!

Nick: I know. And that's why, as a manager, I'm thinking I have to fire you.
Schmidt: Maybe you should fire me. What do you think? You save enough money, buy me out one day, you run this place on your own.
Nick: You really think I could?
Schmidt: Yeah, definitely. I mean, your dumb bitch of a mother sure could.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Your-your mother, who, uh, we're referring to in this circumstance as a dumb bitch. I think she could probably...
Nick: Wait, what?
Schmidt: Come on. That's what you and Javier do, right? C... Your... Uh, your mother, who, uh, you know, is a dumb... is a dumb... Is that not... is that not how the joke goes?

Winston: Um, can I have another napkin?
Nick: Are you sure?
Winston: Uh, yeah, I don't need one.
[Nick looks knowingly to Schmidt]

Winston: You know, look, I know they turned out super weird and kind of like rich pimps, but... I just kind of miss 'em, you know?
Jess: I'm glad they were weird. Kind of snapped me out of it. I was about one park day away from a Vermont model train-themed wedding.

Javier: Yo, Nick, you like my shirt? It look like I'm naked.
Nick: Very cool, man. [laughs] Come here, man. [they high five] Hey, get out of here. I'll catch up later. Boss man's got to go over the books.
Javier: Okay.
Nick: Good to have you back, man. [to himself] Oh, this is very terrible.

Aly: I don't believe you. Can you put, like, a jazz spin on that? Look like an acorn. Start spinning. That's actually pretty good.
Winston: I just feel really bad for Flip and Nancy.
Aly: Shut up about Flip and Nancy.