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‘Longest Night Ever’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Longest Night Ever

309. Longest Night Ever

Aired November 19, 2013

As Coach and Cece go out together, Jess and Nick try to keep Schmidt in the loft so he can't sabotage the date. Meanwhile, Winston's cat runs away.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I can't mingle with this trash. I've been to the mountaintop.
Jess: Okay, look. Look at me. You are moving on. Now, where's the old Schmidt? When I moved into the loft, you used to pull so many ladies. You were legendary.
Schmidt: That year, uh, Hurricane Schmidt did-did demolish... a number of beach communities.
Jess: Right. All right, we're gonna go talk to this girl over here.
Schmidt: She's on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she's either poor or a time traveler.

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Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Wait, that's so great for Cece. Coach is super hot. Wrong crowd. I see that now. Be that as it may, you blew it with Cece, so you have to be fine with this.
Schmidt: I am.
Jess: You are?
Schmidt: I promise I am.
Jess: You are?
Schmidt: 100% fine.
Nick: You're fine?
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm absolutely fine.
Jess: Really?
Schmidt: It's good for Cece, it's good for Coach, it's good for America. Who knows? We might even get another Tiger Woods out of this situation. Wouldn't that be nice?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Camryn Manheim represents a woman who was heckled by a carnival clown, and Dylan McDermott says...

Quote from Nick

Jess: Oh, hey. I was wondering about date night tonight. Do you wanna just stay in? 'Cause you know what that means.
Nick: Romantic dinner and Homeland?
Jess: Sex on the couch.
Nick: Or your thing.
Jess: Actually, Homeland sounds great.
Nick: Or your thing.

Quote from Winston

Jess: What happened to you? I thought you were supposed to go to a party.
Winston: Yeah, it's been so long that I think I forgot how to talk to women.
[flashback:]
Winston: You ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone? [chuckles]
[flashback:]
Winston: Ferguson is his name. Yeah, he's my cat. Here's him in a cowboy hat.
[flashback:]
Winston: Good lord, darling, how big are your feet?

Quote from Coach

Coach: How you liking that merch?
Cece: Oh, it's It's great, thanks.
Coach: Yeah, yeah. You want a pretzel?
Cece: No, I'm-I'm fine, thanks.
Coach: It wasn't a question. Hey, yo, slice! Let me get about seven of them hot things! You worried about the money? It's cool, I got it, babe. Coach had a good year today.
Cece: Yeah, when I-I agreed to go out with you, this isn't exactly what I expected.
Coach: I know, I hear that a lot, I hear that a lot.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look, you're a beautiful woman. In another life, we certainly would've been lovers, but my soul mate is at a Sparks game right now with another man. I need to go get her.
Kate: Oh, you poor thing.
Schmidt: Please don't interrupt me. Now, do you see that bug-eyed woman over there? I need to ditch her so that I can go fulfill my destiny. Now, tell me when she looks away.
Kate: Not now. Not now. Wait. Now.
Schmidt: [kisses Kate] What might've been. [runs off]
Jess: Hey, Schmidt! No!

Quote from Winston

Bertie: What do you think he's gonna look like when we get him back? Found him under the steps eating a dead raccoon's eyeball. Your cat's a psycho.
Winston: Oh, did my baby have a tasty treat? Ferguson, I missed you so much, little buddy.
Nick: They're very connected, those two.
Bertie: I can relate. Got a beast of my own. Hodgkiss, wake up. We got company.
Nick: Aw. Is that a squirrel?
Bertie: Squirrel? It's a hamster.
Winston: Nick, you know what a squirrel looks like. Okay, you've been outside, man.
Nick: Trying to just figure out the smell, I guess.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Find Staples Center!
Female voice: [on phone] Finding Starples Medical Supply.
Schmidt: No, you dumb pocket robot!
Female voice: [on phone] Dan plummer rubber stumpers.
Schmidt: Aah! Now you're just making up words! That's not even a place! Damn you!
Female voice: [on phone] Maiden worcestershire sauce.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hi, there. I'm ruining a date, and I don't want to show up empty-handed. I will take three of the, ooh, the dulce de leches. Um... How about some caramels? Do you have anything that says "I'm sorry for cheating on you. Please don't sleep with my friend"? [off her look] Of course you don't. Wonderful. Ooh, look at that. Samples. [eats]

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Come on, Schmidt, get in the car. Get in the car.
Schmidt: I love her, Jess. I have to tell her.
Jess: Well, you can't. You have to let her go.
Schmidt: I know. Look, you're right. I know.
Jess: Okay, good. Come on, get back in the car.
Schmidt: I also know that in about 30 seconds, I'm gonna run away from you again, and this time, I will lose you. I'll go down alleys, I'll cut across parks. I will live in the shadows, just slithering, lurking, trolling the darkness.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, Nick, um... Last night when Ferguson and I were in the shower, I had an epiphany. It's time to get back in the game. You know, meet some women. Human women.
Nick: Human? Is there any other kind?
Winston: Anyway, I was wondering if you'd watch Ferguson tonight while I go out for some drinks with some work buddies. Just for a little while. You just gotta give him a pill at 6:00.
Jess: We're having date night tonight.
Nick: Jess Winston wants to go out to meet human women. Without the cat.
Jess: Oh, yep, yep. Yep, yep. Nick will watch the cat. Question: Are those mouth pills or butt pills?
Winston: Just one pill. Just one butt pill.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, guys. Just hanging at home tonight?
Jess: No, actually, we have a date tonight.
Schmidt: 'Cause I just made some cobbler. Some peach cobbler and slow-churned vanilla bean ice cream, and Coach is asking Cece out on a date tonight, and... Does anybody want a bite of this, 'cause it's? Ho! Ho! It's fresh out of the oven. It's piping hot! Ha! Ha!

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Well, I hope Coach at least ran this by you first.
Schmidt: Coach came over, he followed the bro code. Actually went really well.
[flashback to the elevator:]
Coach: Yeah. Just the man I wanted to see.
Schmidt: You found me.
Coach: Yeah, I did. [high-five] I got a question for you, playa.
Schmidt: Drop the bomb, man! [high-five]
Coach: Can I ask Cece out on a date?
Schmidt: Yeah! [high-five] Wait, what?

Quote from Coach

Schmidt: I'm probably getting ahead of myself. Who knows if Cece will even say yes?
Coach: [enters] She said yes! We're going to the Staples Center to watch a game tonight. Are you still- Are you cool with this?
Schmidt: Hmm?
Coach: I mean, 'cause all you have to do is say the word, man, and I'll back off, for real.
Schmidt: N- No, man. Come on. Date that thing. [high-five] Yeah! And then date it again. [high-five]
Coach: All right. It's not gonna date itself. [high-five] Yeah, date it all night long. [high-five] I'm kind of nervous! [high-five] Yeah, I'm nervous.

Quote from Schmidt

Coach: Yeah, I'm really nervous. Um... I mean, she's beautiful and she's super cool. And it's just, like... Like, you don't even know.
Schmidt: I 100% know.
Coach: Yes, you know. You know.
Schmidt: She stopped the wedding because of me, so I'm just saying. And then I ruined it 'cause I had my own thing.
Coach: Malia broke up with me and that kind of, like, threw my head for a loop, so I'm super vulnerable right now. It's like I don't know. Think I'm feeling kind of insecure.
Schmidt: Come on. You're Coach. You're the Coach. Yeah. You're the prize. Remember, you're the prize. [high-five] You're the prize.
Coach: I'm Coach!
Schmidt: Yeah, you're Coach. [high-five]

Quote from Coach

Coach: She doesn't stand a chance! Oh, yeah, well... [high-five] She's gonna get it good! [high-five]
Schmidt: Yeah! Or you could take it slow!
Coach: Nah, I'm gunning it! [high-five]
Schmidt: Oh, oh! Y-you're gonna gun it.
Coach: I am gunning it.
Schmidt: Yes. You're gonna gun it for real?
Coach: That first-class ass is sitting in coach tonight. And best believe, my seat will be in an upright and locked position. Thanks, Schmidt.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Look, I know Schmidt. He's gonna try and stop that date from happening.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: So the strategy is containment.
Jess: Okay.
Nick: We got to lock him up. Distract him like a baby. If he gets out of line, we got to get physical.
Jess: We're gonna get physical with a baby?
Nick: Please don't question me. I'm a pro.
Jess: Or we could help him move on. Take him out, get him drunk, maybe meet someone new?
Nick: No. We just got to keep him in a safe place. I wish I had that dog cage.
Jess: What?
Nick: When you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Hey, Jess, about tonight, I'm so sorry.
Jess: No, it's okay. We'll have date night when we're marrie- Da, burp a durp a durp.
Nick: What did you just-?
Jess: Merry. When we're very Merry Christmas.
Nick: All right, moving on.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Really appreciate this, guys. Are you guys hungry?
Nick: Always.
Jess: Yeah.
Schmidt: Great. I'm gonna go get some food from the Staples Center.
Nick: Hey, easy. Chill out.
Schmidt: Okay. All right. You're right, you're right. Great call.

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