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‘Re-Launch’ Quotes

New Girl: Re-Launch

201. Re-Launch

Aired September 25, 2012

Jess insists she's got everything under control after she is laid off at the school. Meanwhile, Schmidt plans a party to celebrate getting his cast off.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: But if there's anything that majoring in marketing with a minor in theater studies has taught me, it's that everybody has a brand. Nick, your brand is gypsy alcoholic handyman. Winston, your brand is Winston. Nicholas, Winstoniel, I'm staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand. It's going to happen this Saturday night, and it is going to be epic.
Nick: You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have sex again?
Schmidt: Not a party; A rebranding event.
Nick: Please tell me there's not a theme.
Schmidt: There most certainly is a theme ... it is a secret that will be announced on the night.
Nick: I bet it's danger.
Schmidt: No, you're... you're wrong. It's not danger. It'll be announced on the night.
Nick: I really think It's going to be danger.
Winston: I'm going to go with danger.
Schmidt: Come on, man, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger.

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Quote from Jess

Nick: How you doing, kid?
Jess: Great. My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don't have to go to boob jail every day. [laughs] Job hunt is on. This hospital Web site says I can earn up to $700, and all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: And only you can make those fruity drinks that used to make the girls lose their minds in college.
Nick: Fine, I'll do it, but I'm not making those drinks.
Winston: Oh, come on, Nick. You have a gift. Why you always trying to hide your light under a bushel?
Nick: Because, sure, I could get a girl topless, no bra, with one hollowed-out papaya, some crushed ice and two fingers of rum, but then I grew up. Now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole."

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Hi. I got laid off.
Nick: What? Are you serious?
Winston: Oh, my God. What happened?
Schmidt: Obama.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [sings] I couldn't dance with another No, I Couldn't ask for another Groove is in the heart, yeah. [shouts] Cold, cold, cold shower! [talks] Hey, hey, hey. You can't turn the sink on when someone's in the shower. This is not some fancy hotel.
Jess: Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept. I'm running late for a meeting with the vice principal.
Nick: Please get out of here so I can save a little bit of my dignity.
Jess: Okay, I'm sorry.
Nick: One, two, three, four. [sings] Groove is in the heart.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ugh, Jess, would you please scratch an itch I have on my undercarriage? I can't get the right angle and Winston refuses.
Jess: No, I don't have time, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Jess, please, I-I ... this is awful. I feel like I dropped something in there. [wiggles] You hear that? Loose change.
Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.
Schmidt: Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Jess: Nipple play ... off-limits.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Wait, Jess, please, I-I'm begging you.
Jess: Okay, fine.
Schmidt: Just get it, just get it in there in the back.
Jess: Stop moving like that.
Schmidt: There you go. Oh, thank God.
Nick: What am I watching here?
Jess: What do you mean?
Schmidt: This is friendship. Pure unadulterated friendship. [groans] Oh, yeah.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Tanya, I'm a really good teacher. I care about my kids. I spent two months in summer school with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuv and I did not laugh once, not once.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: Who'd you invite?
Schmidt: The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, my badminton partner, my financial planner, Philip Seymour Hoffman and a guy who once wrote for a little show called Crank Yankers. And obviously Cece.
Winston: She hasn't spoken to you all summer... since you broke up with her.
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm over it. It's not about her. I hope she comes. Now, let's talk venue.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: And I'm especially not making those drinks for you.
Winston: What? Why?
Nick: 'Cause you can't handle it. You drink them way too fast, and then you get weird.
Winston: Oh, come on. That was, like, years ago, dude. I'm a changed man. I mean, look at me. I'm wearing a suit.
Schmidt: A suit? Please. That's something they put on Morgan Freeman when they let him out of Shawshank. Look at that. What, did a magician die in that thing?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Schmidt, you need a tiger. I need a job. Hire me.
Schmidt: No.
Jess: Here...
Schmidt: No, I'm not going to...
Jess: Schmidt!
Schmidt: What are you...?
Jess: Hire me. I am a people person. I'm great at parties. I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake...

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Come on. Help a brother out.
Schmidt: Jess, you just got laid off, okay? I can't have an emotionally vulnerable person on my crew. Tonight is about one man's functioning penis.
Jess: I wouldn't say functioning. I saw what you did to the toilet seat. And I'm not unstable. I just need a job.

Quote from Nick

Nick: A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.
Jess: Why not?
Nick: Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending nine dollars on a two-dollar shot. She doesn't have it.
Jess: Are you saying I'm not hot?
Nick: No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.
Jess: Nick!
Nick: I'm saying you're the nurse that I want to wake up to after having my stomach pumped. You know what I mean? Its a different kind of hot ... still hot.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [as Mae West] Hiya, big boy. What's your poison?
Nick: Oh...
Jess: What?
Nick: Yeah, interesting choices. It's a great hat. Can I have it? [throws the hat] Let's get rid of that.
Jess: I've decided that tonight my name is Ivy, and I'm studying to be an actress, and I'll sleep with you if you give me a part in a Paramount picture.
Nick: Do you have another outfit in your car, or are you going to stick with this one?
Jess: Hey, young man, why weren't you drafted? You like someone?
Nick: Good stuff.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Just, where... where is the other shot girl?
Jess: I don't know, boss.
Casey: Here I am.
Schmidt: Casey. Thank you for joining us. Great.
Casey: Here's where it's at. I don't work with amateurs. I don't split tips. Things get a little freaky in here, I'm out the door because I'm a little diabetic and I don't need a hassle. And also, I do accept payment in the form of whippets because I've got a PhD; a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
Schmidt: Oh. How old are you?
Casey: Twenty-six. [stares intensely at Schmidt]
Schmidt: Thank you for your honesty.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Did you guys see Cece's new boyfriend, the commoner?
Nick: Oh, wow, Schmidty, you really lowered Cece's bar.
Schmidt: There's got to be an explanation for this, like he's the Lord of Winterfell or he's working with a real piece of pipe.

Quote from Robby

Schmidt: I'm Schmidt. I, too, was a sexual partner of Cece. Welcome to the party.
Robby: Thank you for having me. Let me just tell you this is a very impressive party. There's speakers everywhere. There's one over there. I saw two on the back wall. Oh, there's one right there. Didn't see that one before.
Schmidt: Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of... Lots of speakers. Yeah. So, so what's your deal? I mean, do you vacation in Europe ever?
Robby: No. You know, I've never left California in my life.
Schmidt: You in a band?
Robby: I don't, I don't like music. What's up with me, you know?
Schmidt: You work for Goldman then?
Robby: For who?
Schmidt: This feels good. I'm gonna go.
Robby: Congratulations on your penis, man.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I came back to say good-bye.
Nick: I figured that.
Jess: I was kidding myself. I love teaching. It's who I am. What if I can't do anything else?
Nick: Jess, come on. I can't do anything, and look at me. I'm kind of fine, you know?
Jess: It's just that being a teacher was all I ever, ever wanted to do. It just, it just sucks, you know?
Nick: Yeah, life sucks! And then it gets better, and then it sucks again.
Jess: Yeah.
Nick: And then, and then it just...
Jess: Sucks.
Nick: ...sucks.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [sings] The chills that you spill out my back keep me fill With satisfaction when we're done Satisfaction of what's to come I wouldn't dance for another I wouldn't dance for another! Groove is in the house. Danger!


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