Schmidt: But if there's anything that majoring in marketing with a minor in theater studies has taught me, it's that everybody has a brand. Nick, your brand is gypsy alcoholic handyman. Winston, your brand is Winston. Nicholas, Winstoniel, I'm staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand. It's going to happen this Saturday night, and it is going to be epic.
Nick: You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have sex again?
Schmidt: Not a party; A rebranding event.
Nick: Please tell me there's not a theme.
Schmidt: There most certainly is a theme ... it is a secret that will be announced on the night.
Nick: I bet it's danger.
Schmidt: No, you're... you're wrong. It's not danger. It'll be announced on the night.
Nick: I really think It's going to be danger.
Winston: I'm going to go with danger.
Schmidt: Come on, man, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger.

Nick: How you doing, kid?
Jess: Great. My boobs are loving this unemployed thing. They don't have to go to boob jail every day. [laughs] Job hunt is on. This hospital Web site says I can earn up to $700, and all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever.

Jess: Hi. I got laid off.
Nick: What? Are you serious?
Winston: Oh, my God. What happened?
Schmidt: Obama.

Schmidt: And only you can make those fruity drinks that used to make the girls lose their minds in college.
Nick: Fine, I'll do it, but I'm not making those drinks.
Winston: Oh, come on, Nick. You have a gift. Why you always trying to hide your light under a bushel?
Nick: Because, sure, I could get a girl topless, no bra, with one hollowed-out papaya, some crushed ice and two fingers of rum, but then I grew up. Now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want. Straightforward, honest. Something that says, "I work in a hole."

Winston: Who'd you invite?
Schmidt: The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, my badminton partner, my financial planner, Philip Seymour Hoffman and a guy who once wrote for a little show called Crank Yankers. And obviously Cece.
Winston: She hasn't spoken to you all summer... since you broke up with her.
Schmidt: Yeah, I'm over it. It's not about her. I hope she comes. Now, let's talk venue.

Jess: Come on. Help a brother out.
Schmidt: Jess, you just got laid off, okay? I can't have an emotionally vulnerable person on my crew. Tonight is about one man's functioning penis.
Jess: I wouldn't say functioning. I saw what you did to the toilet seat. And I'm not unstable. I just need a job.

Winston: [sings] The chills that you spill out my back keep me fill With satisfaction when we're done Satisfaction of what's to come I wouldn't dance for another I wouldn't dance for another! Groove is in the house. Danger!

Schmidt: Ugh, Jess, would you please scratch an itch I have on my undercarriage? I can't get the right angle and Winston refuses.
Jess: No, I don't have time, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Jess, please, I-I ... this is awful. I feel like I dropped something in there. [wiggles] You hear that? Loose change.
Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.
Schmidt: Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me to wash myself all summer long with a penis cast on? Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon. And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.
Jess: Nipple play ... off-limits.

Schmidt: Wait, Jess, please, I-I'm begging you.
Jess: Okay, fine.
Schmidt: Just get it, just get it in there in the back.
Jess: Stop moving like that.
Schmidt: There you go. Oh, thank God.
Nick: What am I watching here?
Jess: What do you mean?
Schmidt: This is friendship. Pure unadulterated friendship. [groans] Oh, yeah.

Jess: Tanya, I'm a really good teacher. I care about my kids. I spent two months in summer school with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuv and I did not laugh once, not once.