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‘Sister II’ Quotes

New Girl: Sister II

317. Sister II

Aired February 25, 2014

Jess tries to get her chaotic sister Abby (Linda Cardellini) out of the loft. Meanwhile, Winston is afraid to learn the result of his police entrance exam.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful. It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away.
Jess: Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood. Is there a lot of nightlife?
Broker: Well, this part of town is pretty quiet. Unless you count church bells. Which you should. We have nine within hearing distance.
Jess: What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? Actually, make that 16 and 72.
Broker: Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself.
Jess: Oh. Whoa. [quietly] Jackpot.
Broker: And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room right across the street.
Jess: You had me at "gay veterans." And then again at "emergency room." And before that at "church."

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Quote from Cece

Cece: I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this. Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna.
Jess: Okay, not now, Cece.
Broker: No, don't stop her. Who is this guy? [laughs]
Cece: Right? [sighs]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You were right to call me. Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do. Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker. You know what I mean, Nick?
Nick: Okay.
Schmidt: Yeah. Some-some men, they can just walk away. Not me. I just keep coming back.
Nick: Okay, are you gonna help me get her off the car?
Schmidt: Mmm. You know what this is, Nick?
Nick: What?
Schmidt: This is nonsense.
Nick: Exactly.
Schmidt: And how do we deal with nonsense? No, no. We just don't stand for it is what we do.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? Huh? What are you what are you doing?
Abby: I'm melting chocolate.
Schmidt: [muffled] Abby and I are having sex.
Nick: [whispers] What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
Schmidt: [spits out apple] I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. You know, for the life of me, I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, but if she came from the same gene pool as this one... [chuckles] Kudos, my friend. Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins.
Nick: You calling Jess the DeVito?
Schmidt: What?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Abby, I was supposed to be watching you.
Abby: Go ahead.
Nick: Don't don't play tricks with my words. Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way where she doesn't add the "K."
Schmidt: What?
Nick: When she's mad, she just says "Nic."
Schmidt: Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name?
Nick: Yes.
Schmidt: How do you usually say your name?
Nick: Nick.
Schmidt: Say it without the "K."
Nick: Nic.
Schmidt: It's the same thing.
Nick: Stop distracting me!

Quote from Winston

Manager: Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities?
Winston: [chuckles] See...
Coach: [whispering] Just say "perfectionist."
Winston: Perfectionist. Yeah. And the other two, um... [laughs] [sputtering] I'm overheating, right? I'm overheating, okay? So here's what we're gonna do now I'm just gonna shoot from the hip, little rapid fire, give you some fun facts you might not know about me. I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, and I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, don't think women should be allowed to handle money. Just, that's for real.
Manager: Let's just move on to the salary. And you didn't even fill out the back of the application.
Winston: There's a back? There is a back to the application? Coach.
Coach: What?
Winston: The LAPD exam maybe it had a back.
Coach: You didn't check to see if it had a back?
Winston: We got to go to the precinct. I didn't choke. I'm just careless. And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch. I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: So this was going on the whole time?
Schmidt: Yes. And the hands are just the half of it. I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching and hanging and teasing... such teasing. I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing.
Nick: Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me.

Quote from Jess

Nick: I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister.
Jess: It's not a weird thing with my sister. She is crazy.
Nick: No.
Jess: She's wanted in Canada. Canada. No one's wanted in Canada.

Quote from Winston

Abby: You looking up how to eat a bagel?
Winston: [laughs] No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam. Results go up in 30 seconds.
Abby: If you pass, you get to be a cop?
Winston: No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? Hope I get a dog partner.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans?
Nick: Don't you find out about that cop test today?
Winston: Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No. Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though it's getting a lot of momentum, you know? So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 'cause when you you know, when you do that, so...
Jess: Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that.
Winston: [o.s.] Yeah, she got to me.

Quote from Nick

Nick: If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her?
Jess: Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite. So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live and make her think it's her idea. She can't find out what I'm up to. Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day?
Nick: Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars. And the one thing I learned is, you can't lie to a liar. It don't fly.
Jess: Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
Nick: No, I shouldn't. Wait a second. Are you doing reverse psychology?
Jess: Yeah, it is reverse psychology.
Nick: That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology.
Jess: Hmm, which one is it?
Nick: You outfoxed me. I'm in. I'm going to do it.

Quote from Winston

Coach: So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, so, uh Oh. You brought it with that less set, ma. [Steph laughs] I got to tell you. I mean, what can't that butt do?
Steph: You shaped it, so you get dibs.
Coach: Mmm. Dibs. [laughter]
Winston: Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great. I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I choked. I choked, man. I'm 31. I have nothing figured out. Can I not find a job? I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
Coach: Dude, they're hiring here.
Winston: You know I can't work here, man. They never have any cookies.
Coach: It's all the better, man! There's no pressure. You get this job and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again.
Winston: Okay.
Coach: See?
Winston: Yeah. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job.
Coach: Stop!
Winston: I need this job real bad.
Coach: Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please?
Winston: In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job than I do the cop thing. God, I'd love to work here!

Quote from Jess

Jess: I got the apartment! The place is great. The only thing I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing with ethnic white people. But I think she could really thrive there!

Quote from Nick

Jess: Where is she?
Nick: Where's who?
Jess: Abby.
Nick: Ab? Oh, she's sleeping. By herself. Which is called "napping."

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Who wants to rediscover couscous?
Nick: Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt?
Abby: I invited him. I live here, too, right?
Nick: Yeah, but...
Jess: It's okay, Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to.
Abby: Thank you.
Jess: Now, somebody call the pound 'cause my stomach is growling. I said my stomach is growling.
Nick: Sp... Okay, uh, speaking of dinner, there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood. It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people who will be the leaders of tomorrow.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, uh, Jess? Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys.
Jess: Ew. No.
Schmidt: You don't understand. She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you.
Jess: Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
Nick: Get out of here!

Quote from Coach

Coach: Winston. Winston! Yo! Winston! Dude, you failed, man. You failed hard! At everything!
Winston: Dude, this pep talk sucks.
Coach: I'm not finished.
Winston: Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks.
Coach: Look at me. You can do this, Winston. Because now there's nothing to be afraid of. You hit rock bottom, man. This is the worst it's gonna get.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop. And no one's gonna stand in my way not you, not him...
Coach: Hey, I was helping.
Winston: and definitely not myself. I would like to retake this test.
Cop: Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.
Winston: Man, what about my last score makes you think I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours?
Coach: He'll be there.
Winston: Yeah, I'll be there.

Quote from Nick

Jess: I think I really needed to say that stuff to my sister. She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
Nick: Oof.
Jess: He has no idea. I'm sorry my family's so crazy.
Nick: Crazy? Your family's not crazy. My family's crazy. My father used to trade horse semen. I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty. [both laugh]
Jess: [holding knife] Well, thank goodness we're the sane ones.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hello, Abby.
Abby: Hey. S'up? Have you thought about what you're gonna do if they pair you with a dirty cop?
Winston: Well, then, I would just go to Internal Affairs.
Abby: Well, that's a good way to get killed.
Winston: Then at least I would die a hero.
Abby: Hmm, no, you won't. They'll put you in panties and then they'll plant you next to a dead prostitute.
Winston: That's a poor lady.
Abby: It'd be a dude. But it's awesome! Good luck on the exam!
Winston: They got dude prostitutes? Nuh-uh.


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