Manager: Uh, so tell me, what are your three weakest qualities?
Winston: [chuckles] See...
Coach: [whispering] Just say "perfectionist."
Winston: Perfectionist. Yeah. And the other two, um... [laughs] [sputtering] I'm overheating, right? I'm overheating, okay? So here's what we're gonna do now I'm just gonna shoot from the hip, little rapid fire, give you some fun facts you might not know about me. I hate standing up, I'm bad with numbers, and I just honestly, from the bottom of my heart, don't think women should be allowed to handle money. Just, that's for real.
Manager: Let's just move on to the salary. And you didn't even fill out the back of the application.
Winston: There's a back? There is a back to the application? Coach.
Coach: What?
Winston: The LAPD exam maybe it had a back.
Coach: You didn't check to see if it had a back?
Winston: We got to go to the precinct. I didn't choke. I'm just careless. And that is my biggest weakness, you bitch. I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.

Cece: Wow. I mean, this place is beautiful. It makes the other nine places we've seen today just kind of fade away.
Jess: Yeah, um, tell me about the neighborhood. Is there a lot of nightlife?
Broker: Well, this part of town is pretty quiet. Unless you count church bells. Which you should. We have nine within hearing distance.
Jess: What about the other tenants? Are there single men between 18 and 65? Actually, make that 16 and 72.
Broker: Most of the other tenants are middle-aged gay veterans like myself.
Jess: Oh. Whoa. [quietly] Jackpot.
Broker: And if the demons come calling, there's an emergency room right across the street.
Jess: You had me at "gay veterans." And then again at "emergency room." And before that at "church."

Cece: I wish I could just travel back in time and tell 19-year-old me to move into a place like this. Maybe I would've settled down. Met a, you know, nice guy. Nothing flashy. Works in a bank, makes a great veggie lasagna.
Jess: Okay, not now, Cece.
Broker: No, don't stop her. Who is this guy? [laughs]
Cece: Right? [sighs]

Schmidt: You were right to call me. Nobody deals with crazy girls better than I do. Crazy girls are kind of my Hurt Locker. You know what I mean, Nick?
Nick: Okay.
Schmidt: Yeah. Some-some men, they can just walk away. Not me. I just keep coming back.
Nick: Okay, are you gonna help me get her off the car?
Schmidt: Mmm. You know what this is, Nick?
Nick: What?
Schmidt: This is nonsense.
Nick: Exactly.
Schmidt: And how do we deal with nonsense? No, no. We just don't stand for it is what we do.

Nick: Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? Huh? What are you what are you doing?
Abby: I'm melting chocolate.
Schmidt: [muffled] Abby and I are having sex.
Nick: [whispers] What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
Schmidt: [spits out apple] I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. You know, for the life of me, I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, but if she came from the same gene pool as this one... [chuckles] Kudos, my friend. Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins.
Nick: You calling Jess the DeVito?
Schmidt: What?

Nick: Abby, I was supposed to be watching you.
Abby: Go ahead.
Nick: Don't don't play tricks with my words. Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say my name in that short, clipped way where she doesn't add the "K."
Schmidt: What?
Nick: When she's mad, she just says "Nic."
Schmidt: Do you really think that the "K" adds to the sound of your name?
Nick: Yes.
Schmidt: How do you usually say your name?
Nick: Nick.
Schmidt: Say it without the "K."
Nick: Nic.
Schmidt: It's the same thing.
Nick: Stop distracting me!

Jess: So this was going on the whole time?
Schmidt: Yes. And the hands are just the half of it. I mean, there's been banging and poking and scratching and hanging and teasing... such teasing. I mean, really excruciating, life-giving teasing.
Nick: Shut up, Schmidt! She was talking to me.

Nick: I don't want to be involved with your weird thing with your sister.
Jess: It's not a weird thing with my sister. She is crazy.
Nick: No.
Jess: She's wanted in Canada. Canada. No one's wanted in Canada.

Abby: You looking up how to eat a bagel?
Winston: [laughs] No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed the LAPD entrance exam. Results go up in 30 seconds.
Abby: If you pass, you get to be a cop?
Winston: No, I get to go to the police academy, you know? Hope I get a dog partner.

Winston: Hey, uh, you guys want to hang out, like, right now? Maybe go up to Alhambra, try on a whole mess of jeans?
Nick: Don't you find out about that cop test today?
Winston: Oh, you know... Oh, yeah. No. Look, man, the Alhambra thing, though it's getting a lot of momentum, you know? So I think I'm gonna go ahead and do that 'cause when you you know, when you do that, so...
Jess: Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you that Abby is responsible for that.
Winston: [o.s.] Yeah, she got to me.