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‘House Hunt’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: House Hunt

601. House Hunt

Aired September 20, 2016

Schmidt and Cece search for a home of their own. Meanwhile, Jess is surprised when Nick returns home early.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Let's go to the bank.
Schmidt: Let's do it. You know what, actually, I just want to use the cooktop first. Make an egg.
Cece: Honey, where are you gonna get an egg?
Schmidt: Got two eggs right here. Got a pan right here. Think I'm gonna buy a house and not make an egg first?

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Quote from Aly

Winston: [on video call] As I was saying, I never felt love like this. I really miss your lips on mine.
Aly: Babe, it's just a two month FBI training program. I had a major breakthrough this week. I perfected my "keep vamping, we've almost traced the call" gesture.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [phone chimes] Damn it! This is an alert? I did not need to know that the Riblet sandwich is back. How long does it take to respond to a house offer?
Cece: Breathe, okay? We will find out about the house when we find out about the house.
Schmidt: You're right.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Honey, do you think that any of these hobbies have anything to do with...
Jess: With Nick? Nicholas Miller? That ole turkey burger?
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: He's in New Orleans with his perfect girlfriend. And I'm fine.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: Actually, I'm doing great.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: [stammering]: I moved past him. I-I-I'm over him.
Cece: Just checking.
Jess: I'm moving forward.
Cece: Cool.
Jess: Or as they say in Portuguese, Empurrando para a frente. Which technically means "thrusting forward." It's a very sexual language.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Guys, we are in this together. We're just gonna have to find a house ourselves. I need a project now that my table's almost done. I'll be your real estate agent. I've already found, like, five open houses today. Like, this one is a fixer-upper, but don't judge a house by its smoke damage.
Cece: Okay, babe, this was a crime scene.
Jess: Yeah, but that was months ago. And it was drug thing, so there are no ghosts.
Schmidt: That's not how ghosts work.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The en suite is en fleek.
Cece: I love this house, too.
Schmidt: I poked my head in the shower. Perfect, gentle, unrelenting pressure. Like when my mom made me rehearse my haftarah portion.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Hey, honey, this can't happen.
Jess: You're right, this is not your house. Toni-Anne, we're walking!
Cece: No, no. You being here. You taking over as our real estate agent because... you can't stop thinking about Nick.
Jess: Cece, not everything's about Nick. Curvando diante da face errada. In Portuguese, "You're bending before the wrong face." Again, very sexual language.
Cece: You know I love you and I will always be there for you in an emergency, but Schmidt and I need to do this by ourselves. You got to go home.
Jess: Okay. I got it. Okay. You guys are moving forward, you don't need ol' Jess the Mess. I'm gonna go home. But seriously, I crawled under the house and the retrofitting is rookie work.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: We do not look great on paper.
Schmidt: Please, on paper, we're as ugly as Winston's bellybutton ring.
Cece: Who gets a bellybutton ring if you have an outie?
Schmidt: And at 33, no less.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [answers video call] Hella?
Aly: Are you buying a boat?
Winston: [sighs] Look, it is a complicated situation. First off, I think your sister is amazing. Secondly, I know that we just went long-distance and I don't want to give you any bad news, but... your sister ain't that good at her job. Like, at all. She's... uh, dumb. That girl is the trunk of a tree. Ain't nobody at home up here.
Aly: Okay, you...
Winston: She a cottonhead!
Aly: Easy...
Winston: This girl is a dumped-out sewing kit.
Aly: Easy.
Winston: She talkin', but ain't nobody listenin'.
Aly: Easy. That's my sister. And I know she's an idiot.

Quote from Nick

Jess: How was New Orleans? How-how was everything?
Nick: It was great. [laughs] I came alive in that city, Jess. I was writing 2,000 pages a day by hand.
Jess: What?
Nick: By hand. Yes. Unfortunately, it all blew into the Mississippi River.
Jess: Oh, my God, no. That's terrible. I mean, for you and for the environment...
Nick: And I had to start over, so I invested in a computer... I bought the heaviest one I could find... and look... heavy computers, heavy materiel. This is my first book.
Jess: What?
Nick: Yeah. This is what I wanted to tell you.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: [laughing] It's my book!
Jess: Nick, how many days did it take to print this out?
Nick: About a week. I had to go to a car rental place at night, but, uh... read the first page. Check it out.
Jess: "To Anthony Rizzo and the Chicago Cubs, for all we've been through." "And to my friend Jessica Day... for the same thing."
Nick: I don't know if you remember this, but, uh... you were the one who told me to go to New Orleans. So thank you.
Jess: You're welcome.

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Jess? For Pete's sake. [knocking] What is that infernal racket?
Jess: Hey, I was just making some table legs. But if it's too loud, I can table them for later.
Schmidt: This whole summer, you've been doing one activity after another. The urban corn harvest. Learning Portuguese.
Winston: You joined that SoulShred gym and got scary ripped.
[flashback to Jess dropping some nuts while making a protein shake, then moving the fridge to pick them up]
Schmidt: What is going on with you?
Cece: Okay. All right. [clears throat] She's a badass, that is what is going on with her. Woodworking is awesome. [closes door on Schmidt & Winston] Okay, woodworking is insane.
Jess: It's woodturning, but go on.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Leslie, I can't believe you pulled this off.
Leslie: Every morning I just Google "house" and sometimes stuff comes up.
Jess: Guys, look at us. You guys are married. Winston, you're in love, Nick's in a serious relationship of his own, and I am a truly excellent friend.
Man: Why are you looking at my house?
Schmidt: Hello, sir, how are you? We're the ones who are buying your home.
Man: I'm not selling my house.
Schmidt: What?
Leslie: Oh, maybe that's why there's no sign. Maybe I got the address wrong.
Schmidt: I mean... What are you ta... how did we get into the house? We walked through it three times.
Man: What?
Schmidt: What?
All: What?

Quote from Jess

Jess: All right, I'm taking charge. Winston, Leslie has to go.
Winston: No!
Jess: She's the worst real estate agent of all time.
Winston: Aly and I just went long distance. I can't tell her that you fired her little sister. This is a delicate situation for our relationship. Please, Jess.
Schmidt: Why are you ask... why are you asking Jess? And, Jess, why are you inserting yourself into this?
Jess: If anyone's inserting themself, it's Winston. He's like a tongue at a seventh grade birthday party.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Look, we'll find a place, okay? I didn't like that house that much anyway.
Schmidt: I just can't be married, living with roommates.
[flashback to Schmidt and Cece eating dinner:]
Winston: Well, hey! Well, I hope you saved some for Furguson. [singsongy] 'Cause you forgot yesterday.
[flashback to Jess walking in on Schmidt and Cece in the shower:]
Schmidt: No! [Jess and Cece scream] No!
[present:]
Schmidt: Look at our wedding photo. I want to hang our wedding photo in our house. I want to start our lives together.

Quote from Jess

Jess: This is in your price range, and it's, like, only five minutes from the loft. I really think this is the best investment of our money right now.
Cece: [to Schmidt] Okay, okay, okay. Okay. [to Jess] Hey, babe? [Schmidt groans] I think we got this, okay?
Jess: Yes. We got this.
Schmidt: Actually, we, we got this.
Jess: Preach! We got this.
Schmidt: Jess, look at us for a second, the two of us, Cece and I. We. Us.
Both: We got this.
[cut to an open house:]
Jess: We got this. [chuckles] All right. Schmidt, bedrooms. Cece, bathrooms. I'm gonna smell everything.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Bonjour! Crawdaddy's home, and he's ready to see his crawkids! Who's home? Schmidty, Jess? Winston? Winston's cat? Fine. Cece?

Quote from Jess

Jess: I don't know, guys. Lot of lost dog posters around. Really sad neighborhood. Also it's crazy expensive. I'm the voice of reason, that's why you brought me with.
Schmidt: We-we didn't bring you with. You followed us here in your car.
Cece: Okay.
Schmidt: She followed us the whole way.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: All right. We will ask for a bigger loan. And it'll be tight, but we'll manage it.
Schmidt: Okay. Yeah, we can do it. Look, we'll just make sacrifices.
Cece: Yeah.
Schmidt: We'll pack our lunches. We'll cut out cup-on's.
Cece: It's coupons.
Schmidt: Cup-ons, yeah.
Cece: No, you're saying cup-ons.
Schmidt: Well, it's fine. It's not important, we'll cut out cup-ons.
Cece: Coupons.

Quote from Winston

Leslie: And I'm a Sagittarius, which is why I'm so good with people and horses. But it also makes me, like, really sleepy.
Winston: Uh, Leslie... [nervous laugh] Um, there's no... there's no easy way to say this. Uh... you... no longer work... for Schmidt and Cece.
Leslie: No, no, they're firing me? No, but didn't you tell them how good I am?
Winston: Well, you know, I tried to. I was like, I was like, "Man, she good..."
Leslie: You didn't stick up for me, Winston?
Winston: Well, I tried...
Leslie: I'm calling Aly!
Winston: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, no, no, time out, time out. Listen, hey, hey, hey. Time out. Stop. Stop that. You didn't let me finish. You don't work for Schmidt and Cece anymore, because... 'Cause you work for me now. I'm buying a house. [Leslie shrieks happily] I'm buying a house! [Leslie laughing] Ha, ha! I'm buying a home.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: But trust me, loan officers have a lot of discretion. We just need to market ourselves. We need to look him right in the eye...
Lorne: Mr. Schmidt and Mrs. Parikh? I'm not blind. I just had my pupils dilated for an exam.
Schmidt: If it makes you feel any better, I'm seeing stars, too.
Leslie: What?
Schmidt: I'm talking about you.
Cece: Okay, honey, just... shh.
Schmidt: Shh. You're a big, bright star.
Leslie: It ain't gonna be that kind of party today, pal. Follow me.

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