Cece: Let's go to the bank.
Schmidt: Let's do it. You know what, actually, I just want to use the cooktop first. Make an egg.
Cece: Honey, where are you gonna get an egg?
Schmidt: Got two eggs right here. Got a pan right here. Think I'm gonna buy a house and not make an egg first?

Winston: [on video call] As I was saying, I never felt love like this. I really miss your lips on mine.
Aly: Babe, it's just a two month FBI training program. I had a major breakthrough this week. I perfected my "keep vamping, we've almost traced the call" gesture.

Schmidt: [phone chimes] Damn it! This is an alert? I did not need to know that the Riblet sandwich is back. How long does it take to respond to a house offer?
Cece: Breathe, okay? We will find out about the house when we find out about the house.
Schmidt: You're right.

Cece: Honey, do you think that any of these hobbies have anything to do with...
Jess: With Nick? Nicholas Miller? That ole turkey burger?
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: He's in New Orleans with his perfect girlfriend. And I'm fine.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: Actually, I'm doing great.
Cece: Okay.
Jess: [stammering]: I moved past him. I-I-I'm over him.
Cece: Just checking.
Jess: I'm moving forward.
Cece: Cool.
Jess: Or as they say in Portuguese, Empurrando para a frente. Which technically means "thrusting forward." It's a very sexual language.

Jess: Guys, we are in this together. We're just gonna have to find a house ourselves. I need a project now that my table's almost done. I'll be your real estate agent. I've already found, like, five open houses today. Like, this one is a fixer-upper, but don't judge a house by its smoke damage.
Cece: Okay, babe, this was a crime scene.
Jess: Yeah, but that was months ago. And it was drug thing, so there are no ghosts.
Schmidt: That's not how ghosts work.

Schmidt: The en suite is en fleek.
Cece: I love this house, too.
Schmidt: I poked my head in the shower. Perfect, gentle, unrelenting pressure. Like when my mom made me rehearse my haftarah portion.

Cece: Hey, honey, this can't happen.
Jess: You're right, this is not your house. Toni-Anne, we're walking!
Cece: No, no. You being here. You taking over as our real estate agent because... you can't stop thinking about Nick.
Jess: Cece, not everything's about Nick. Curvando diante da face errada. In Portuguese, "You're bending before the wrong face." Again, very sexual language.
Cece: You know I love you and I will always be there for you in an emergency, but Schmidt and I need to do this by ourselves. You got to go home.
Jess: Okay. I got it. Okay. You guys are moving forward, you don't need ol' Jess the Mess. I'm gonna go home. But seriously, I crawled under the house and the retrofitting is rookie work.

Cece: We do not look great on paper.
Schmidt: Please, on paper, we're as ugly as Winston's bellybutton ring.
Cece: Who gets a bellybutton ring if you have an outie?
Schmidt: And at 33, no less.

Winston: [answers video call] Hella?
Aly: Are you buying a boat?
Winston: [sighs] Look, it is a complicated situation. First off, I think your sister is amazing. Secondly, I know that we just went long-distance and I don't want to give you any bad news, but... your sister ain't that good at her job. Like, at all. She's... uh, dumb. That girl is the trunk of a tree. Ain't nobody at home up here.
Aly: Okay, you...
Winston: She a cottonhead!
Aly: Easy...
Winston: This girl is a dumped-out sewing kit.
Aly: Easy.
Winston: She talkin', but ain't nobody listenin'.
Aly: Easy. That's my sister. And I know she's an idiot.

Jess: How was New Orleans? How-how was everything?
Nick: It was great. [laughs] I came alive in that city, Jess. I was writing 2,000 pages a day by hand.
Jess: What?
Nick: By hand. Yes. Unfortunately, it all blew into the Mississippi River.
Jess: Oh, my God, no. That's terrible. I mean, for you and for the environment...
Nick: And I had to start over, so I invested in a computer... I bought the heaviest one I could find... and look... heavy computers, heavy materiel. This is my first book.
Jess: What?
Nick: Yeah. This is what I wanted to tell you.
Jess: Oh, my God.
Nick: [laughing] It's my book!
Jess: Nick, how many days did it take to print this out?
Nick: About a week. I had to go to a car rental place at night, but, uh... read the first page. Check it out.
Jess: "To Anthony Rizzo and the Chicago Cubs, for all we've been through." "And to my friend Jessica Day... for the same thing."
Nick: I don't know if you remember this, but, uh... you were the one who told me to go to New Orleans. So thank you.
Jess: You're welcome.