Coach: [sings to island beats] Tiny pants man He don't have friends That's why he got the clock He got the clock to watch his only friends.

Coach: My system is built to be easy. Okay. It's easy as peanuts.
Nick: Easy as peanuts?
Coach: Yeah.
Nick: That's not an expression; no one says that.
Coach: PEANUTS is an acronym. PEANUTS stands for: Physical Education Activity Nuts! Like, like go nuts, have fun!
Nick: Yeah, but you got to use every letter.
Coach: I'm aware of that, but it still works.

Coach: Nick? I want to talk to you about your fitness level.
Nick: Of what? My body?
Coach: When's the last time you worked out?
Winston: You know what? I'll tell you when the last time he worked out was. It was the time that he battled his daddy's other dumb sperm in order to make his way to his mama's dumb-ass egg.
Nick: Your burns are getting better, man.
Coach: Just really long.

Jess: Look, Principal Foster, we have the chance to do something really great. Everything's been donated. All we need are transportation costs.
Dr. Foster: [stammers] Come on! That's only the most expensive part of doing anything! You I'm sorry. That was rude. I slept very badly last night. Had a chai tea very late. Had friends in from Montreal.
Jess: Some of these kids have lived in L.A. their entire lives and they've never even seen the ocean. Last week, I asked them to draw what they thought the ocean looked like. I got a lot of stuff like this.
Dr. Foster: Is that a bagel with wings?
Jess: Yes, sir, it is.
Dr. Foster: Extraordinary.
Jess: I'm afraid I'm not taking no for an answer.
Dr. Foster: You're gonna have to take no for an answer because that's just the way it is. Hmm, a shark with legs. That's not even anatomically close to correct. That's just a square, though. Have them start over. That's just terrible.

Nick: Okay, look, Schmidt's tried to get me to work out for years. It didn't take. Also, and it's not an excuse, I have a very bad back.
Coach: Your bad back?
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: You gave me a piggyback ride two days ago and you giggled the whole time. It was awesome.
Nick: It was also really funny.
Coach: That was pretty funny. We took the stairs, dude.
Nick: Yeah. It's 'cause I was excited.
Coach: Nick. Either take this dumpling and be a dumpling guy, or you train with me, and be a do-ing guy.
Nick: It's hard because I've been a dumpling guy my whole life I know.
Coach: One day, that's all I need. And I will change your life. You'll be able to see your abs.
Nick: I thought God just didn't give me those.

Crystal: Miss Day! Check out my cool beach hat.
Jess: Unfortunately, um, I have some bad news. Uh, we're not gonna get to go on that field trip.
Crystal: But you said anything is possible, Miss Day.
Jess: You just keep wearing that hat, Crystal. Because as long as hot dogs are hats... anything is possible. You could be the first little girl in space. You just ride that hot dog hat all the way to the moon, girl. [Crystal goes to hug Jess] Oh, Crystal, you're not legally allowed to touch me. But thank you.

Nick: [answers phone] Hey, Schmidt, what's going on, man? Everything okay?
Schmidt: Did I leave my Oakland Raiders yarmulke over there?
Nick: Don't know. Coach and I are working out.
Schmidt: I've been trying to get you to work out for years.
Nick: Well, just come over, man.
Schmidt: I'm enjoying my space. But maybe you should just put me on speaker.
Nick: Okay, you're on.
Schmidt: Okay, cool, set the scene. What's the vibe over there?
Winston: Nick's in jeans.
Schmidt: Nixon jeans? What the hell are Nixon jeans? They sound really cool.

Brian: Hi.
Jess: Don't even talk. My friend is having an allergic reaction to your food.
Winston: [clenched] Hey, man.
Jess: It says "no MSG" on the menu. It also says it with the what do you call the circle with the diagonal line?
Winston: It's the Ghostbusters thing.
Jess: What?
Winston: From the movie Ghostbusters.
Jess: Oh, it says it with words and it says it with the Ghostbusters thing.
Brian: All right, just calm down.
Jess: No, here's what's going to happen. You're going to stop putting these menus everywhere, or I'm going to show the people in here what happens when you eat the food.
Winston: I actually like the food.
Brian: Listen, Jess, Chinese food is MSG. America is living a lie, and we distribute menus so people order the food. Just accept that that's the way things are!
Jess: No, I am done accepting things the way they are, because there are menus everywhere, and there are kids who want to see the ocean.
Brian: What?
Jess: And I don't like your vibe, dude. [Brian groans] Hey! This is what eating here did to my friend.
Winston: Is that crispy noodles?

Nick: Hey, guess who got a trainer.
Jess: So many menus.
Nick: I'm gonna look like Barry Bonds.

Nick: Ah, Hop Foo's, my favorite. Don't mind if I brunch.