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‘300 Feet’ Quotes

New Girl: 300 Feet

514. 300 Feet

Aired April 12, 2016

Jess can't let go when Sam gets a restraining order against her. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt's bar faces competition from a trendy upstart.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Can we please stop competing with these fad bars? I hate fads, man.
Schmidt: Nick, just a small little piece of important, friendly advice: you need to give your Ds more emphasis. Fads.
Nick: What I said.
Schmidt: You're gonna get yourself in trouble.
Nick: By hating fads?
Schmidt: That's... maybe just change it to "trendy" bars. Or "hip" bars.
Nick: We need to stop competing with trendy, hip fad bars?

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Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Unbelievable. I had to park two blocks away, like an animal. The new bar, Presh, is doing valet and they took all of our spots.
Schmidt: I've been saying for months that we need valet. Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys in the general direction of someone you care nothing about? "Keep it running."

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: [gasps] A restraining order?! From Sam.
Schmidt: Oof...
Jess: I'm not a restraining order person.
Schmidt: A restraining order. That's worse than herpes ["her-pays"].

Quote from Winston

Winston: Uh, sorry about that, Riggs. Uh, Jessica, you better be here because you wrote a song you wanted me to listen to.
Jess: I just don't get why Sam would do this. I'm not dangerous.
Winston: Hey. Friend face. That was cute. Cop face. Girl, sit yo' ass down. And use the word "allegedly" when discussing Sam. I do not need Internal Affairs crawling all up in my holes.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: All right. I need a drink. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Somebody cut our soda.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, who would do such a thing?
Nick: It's Connie, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Well, how would she have gotten in here? I mean, she couldn't...
Nick: She took our bubbles, Schmidt! We have to retaliate.
Schmidt: What do we look like, Tonya Harding's henchmen? Who am I, Jeff Gillooly?

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Give us a chance to, first, apologize and, second, give you a little bit of context here. You see, [chuckles] we thought that you attacked our bar.
Connie: Why would I attack a bar that has no one in it? And if I did want to attack you, I would just report you for one of your numerous health code violations.
Schmidt: Some improvements definitely need to be made. We... we found a dead fox in the keg room the other week.
Nick: We're not sure it was a fox. Uh, it was an animal that had died in our keg room that was bigger than a cat but smaller than a big dog...

Quote from Jess

Sam: You're dangerous. I mean, you're dangerous to me. You want to know why I got the restraining order? [inhales deeply] 'Cause I couldn't stop thinking about you either. I didn't trust myself not to call you and start this whole thing up again. You know, you-you've changed, Jess, and that's great, I just... I haven't. And I'm still mad at you and... that's gonna take some time. I think the, uh, best, smartest thing for us to do is to just... [inhales] say good-bye.
Jess: [sighs heavily] What does Selena Gomez always say? "Take your things and go..."
Sam: The lyric is, "Take away your things and go."
Jess: "Take your things away and go..."
Sam: "Take away your things and go..."
Jess: "Take away your things and go."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ugh! Son of a bitch. Nothing. I'm trying to get in touch with Sam... you know, to clear the air... Why isn't he responding?
Cece: I'm just gonna go out on a crazy limb here... maybe it's because you got his girlfriend to dump him?
Jess: I'm not being weird about it. I just texted him three times. [Schmidt sighs, groans] And I called him. He wasn't there. I left him a sensible voice mail. To lighten the mood, I told a little story about how the first-graders' pet rabbit got stuck in the lawn mower and I had to... I had to collect it.
Schmidt: That's a terrible story.
Winston: Colonel FlapEars?
Cece: Wow.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Wow. Tasteful, hip... I mean, nothing matches, yet nothing is random. That's just a framed toupee on the wall and it friggin' works.
Cece: What are these bartenders wearing? They look like Civil War surgeons.

Quote from Nick

Connie: Hey, hey. I'm Connie, the owner. You're the nutmeg wholesaler?
Nick: Me? No, I'm not the nutmeg wholesaler.
Connie: You have a nutmeg wholesaler vibe.
Cece: That's what it is. I've been trying to figure it out for years. You totally look like a nutmeg wholesaler.
Nick: Me no nutmeg...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [scoffs] This bar is outrageous.
Nick: I'm so sorry it's not like your favorite bar, Presh.
Schmidt: You know my favorite bar is Heshe's Tango in Phuket. Their coconut mojitos literally gave me an orgasm. I had to buy new pants.

Quote from Winston

Winston: 298, 299... Watch out for the lamp. And that's 300, right there. Wait here.
Sam: I'm dropping the restraining order. This isn't necessary.
Winston: I'll determine what's necessary; I'm a cop.
Jess: Stop! There's no more restraining order. And no more cop face.
Winston: Girl, this is my friend face.
Jess: Honestly, I can't tell the difference.
Winston: Well, there is no difference. That's why I have to announce it. And as your friend, Winston, I just want to make sure that you two have thought things through. That you're not rushing into things, you know? You don't hurt each other again. I'm thinking, maybe, as your friend, maybe... you should be restraining yourselves. Because of the restraining order?


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