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‘300 Feet’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: 300 Feet

514. 300 Feet

Aired April 12, 2016

Jess can't let go when Sam gets a restraining order against her. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt's bar faces competition from a trendy upstart.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Can we please stop competing with these fad bars? I hate fads, man.
Schmidt: Nick, just a small little piece of important, friendly advice: you need to give your Ds more emphasis. Fads.
Nick: What I said.
Schmidt: You're gonna get yourself in trouble.
Nick: By hating fads?
Schmidt: That's... maybe just change it to "trendy" bars. Or "hip" bars.
Nick: We need to stop competing with trendy, hip fad bars?

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Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Unbelievable. I had to park two blocks away, like an animal. The new bar, Presh, is doing valet and they took all of our spots.
Schmidt: I've been saying for months that we need valet. Is there anything sexier than tossing your keys in the general direction of someone you care nothing about? "Keep it running."

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: [gasps] A restraining order?! From Sam.
Schmidt: Oof...
Jess: I'm not a restraining order person.
Schmidt: A restraining order. That's worse than herpes ["her-pays"].

Quote from Winston

Winston: Uh, sorry about that, Riggs. Uh, Jessica, you better be here because you wrote a song you wanted me to listen to.
Jess: I just don't get why Sam would do this. I'm not dangerous.
Winston: Hey. Friend face. That was cute. Cop face. Girl, sit yo' ass down. And use the word "allegedly" when discussing Sam. I do not need Internal Affairs crawling all up in my holes.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: All right. I need a drink. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Somebody cut our soda.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, who would do such a thing?
Nick: It's Connie, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Well, how would she have gotten in here? I mean, she couldn't...
Nick: She took our bubbles, Schmidt! We have to retaliate.
Schmidt: What do we look like, Tonya Harding's henchmen? Who am I, Jeff Gillooly?

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Give us a chance to, first, apologize and, second, give you a little bit of context here. You see, [chuckles] we thought that you attacked our bar.
Connie: Why would I attack a bar that has no one in it? And if I did want to attack you, I would just report you for one of your numerous health code violations.
Schmidt: Some improvements definitely need to be made. We... we found a dead fox in the keg room the other week.
Nick: We're not sure it was a fox. Uh, it was an animal that had died in our keg room that was bigger than a cat but smaller than a big dog...

Quote from Jess

Sam: You're dangerous. I mean, you're dangerous to me. You want to know why I got the restraining order? [inhales deeply] 'Cause I couldn't stop thinking about you either. I didn't trust myself not to call you and start this whole thing up again. You know, you-you've changed, Jess, and that's great, I just... I haven't. And I'm still mad at you and... that's gonna take some time. I think the, uh, best, smartest thing for us to do is to just... [inhales] say good-bye.
Jess: [sighs heavily] What does Selena Gomez always say? "Take your things and go..."
Sam: The lyric is, "Take away your things and go."
Jess: "Take your things away and go..."
Sam: "Take away your things and go..."
Jess: "Take away your things and go."

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ugh! Son of a bitch. Nothing. I'm trying to get in touch with Sam... you know, to clear the air... Why isn't he responding?
Cece: I'm just gonna go out on a crazy limb here... maybe it's because you got his girlfriend to dump him?
Jess: I'm not being weird about it. I just texted him three times. [Schmidt sighs, groans] And I called him. He wasn't there. I left him a sensible voice mail. To lighten the mood, I told a little story about how the first-graders' pet rabbit got stuck in the lawn mower and I had to... I had to collect it.
Schmidt: That's a terrible story.
Winston: Colonel FlapEars?
Cece: Wow.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Wow. Tasteful, hip... I mean, nothing matches, yet nothing is random. That's just a framed toupee on the wall and it friggin' works.
Cece: What are these bartenders wearing? They look like Civil War surgeons.

Quote from Nick

Connie: Hey, hey. I'm Connie, the owner. You're the nutmeg wholesaler?
Nick: Me? No, I'm not the nutmeg wholesaler.
Connie: You have a nutmeg wholesaler vibe.
Cece: That's what it is. I've been trying to figure it out for years. You totally look like a nutmeg wholesaler.
Nick: Me no nutmeg...

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: [scoffs] This bar is outrageous.
Nick: I'm so sorry it's not like your favorite bar, Presh.
Schmidt: You know my favorite bar is Heshe's Tango in Phuket. Their coconut mojitos literally gave me an orgasm. I had to buy new pants.

Quote from Winston

Winston: 298, 299... Watch out for the lamp. And that's 300, right there. Wait here.
Sam: I'm dropping the restraining order. This isn't necessary.
Winston: I'll determine what's necessary; I'm a cop.
Jess: Stop! There's no more restraining order. And no more cop face.
Winston: Girl, this is my friend face.
Jess: Honestly, I can't tell the difference.
Winston: Well, there is no difference. That's why I have to announce it. And as your friend, Winston, I just want to make sure that you two have thought things through. That you're not rushing into things, you know? You don't hurt each other again. I'm thinking, maybe, as your friend, maybe... you should be restraining yourselves. Because of the restraining order?

Quote from Winston

Jess: When I find Sam... [laughs] I'm gonna kill him.
Nick: You can't find Sam. 'Cause you have a restraining order.
Jess: Winston. You have to help me with this.
Winston: Sam is the only one who can drop this charge. But the magic of a restraining order is that you can't talk to him. And that... that is human drama.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: This is a very professional establishment. Let me do the talking.
Nick: You don't think I talk professional good? You don't think I professional talk good? What am I saying weird there?
Schmidt: You speak poorly, professionally.

Quote from Nick

Connie: How can I help you?
Schmidt: Connie, hello. Very nice to meet you. We are both local entrepreneurs, as you are. Uh, we co-own the bar up the street, and there is a business situation that we would like to bring to your attention...
Nick: Yeah, your stupid valet is taking all the spots in front of our bar, and it's time for it to come to an end. It's not sittin' well with us folks over at the Griffin.
Connie: What's a griffin?
Schmidt: What is... wait, what is the Griffin?
Nick: The Griffin is the name of the bar that we own together, you buffoon. You don't know the name of our bar?
Schmidt: Why don't we... We don't have a sign. We should have a sign.
Nick: Is this the time for this?
Connie: I feel like this is a conversation I don't need to be a part of. My valet is totally legal. But thanks for stopping by. Maybe, you know, maybe I'll stop by your bar. I'll just, like, knock on doors until... until I find you.

Quote from Jess

Jess: I'm here to overturn a restraining order. I brought lots of excellent character references. In the words of Ms. Cheryl Riggins of Portland, Oregon: "When the school sewage line broke, Jessica was the only student who rolled up her sleeves, grabbed a pail and went to work. She should be tested for hepatitis immediately. Immediately." That's not the one...

Quote from Jess

Jess: This would've been a better plan if I knew what he drives. [sighs] A lot of black cars.

Quote from Jess

Winston: [answers phone] Hey, Jess, I'm at work. Is this a cop situation or a friend situation?
Jess: Both. What would you say if I told you I was in the bed of Sam's pickup? Allegedly. I said "allegedly."
Winston: Okay, good. So you're not in the back of a truck.
Jess: No, I am. I'm-I'm, I am "allegedly" in-in Sam's truck.
Winston: Jess, you seem to be confused. Here's how it works. Um, allegedly, Ferguson and I are eating pasta in a hot air balloon. Realistically...
Jess: Winston, I'm in the back of Sam's truck right now. I wanted Sam to know that I'm not crazy. Wait, shh, he's changing his music. Selena Gomez, interesting.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Connie, with her fancy cocktails. I can make a fancy cocktail.
Schmidt: Sure you can.
Nick: Hey, hey, hey, what's going on here? What the hell is all this stuff?
Schmidt: We need to make some... some real improvements around here, if we're gonna compete with Presh.
Nick: Improvements?!
Schmidt: Just minor tweaks, okay? Like a jukebox that doesn't catch fire sometimes. Separate olive and cherry trays. A toilet that flushes down and not up.
Nick: Okay, that's an attraction and a lot of our customers actually like that. Why are you so eager to change our bar? We should be ruining their bar. We should cut their power. We should paint a door where there isn't a door.
Schmidt: We're not talented enough to paint a realistic door, Nick.

Quote from Cece

Cece: All right, okay. Try this. I call it "Whiskey Business," but surprise! There's vodka in that. Boom.
Schmidt: Thank you, honey. [gagging, spits out]
Cece: Come on.
Schmidt: [clears throat] It's a little chunky. [clears throat] Tastes like loose chili, a little bit.
Cece: Yeah, I'm gonna go get some fresher ingredients.

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