Winston: Hey, man, you watch Homeland? No? I'm in the first season, second episode. Don't spoil anything.

Winston: What up, guys?
Nick: Oh, "What's up, guys." You're just gonna walk over and say, "What's up, guys?"
Schmidt: Winston, does he think you're Omar Epps?

Cece: Okay, you know what? You need what I needed. You need a new guy, all right? Dating Shivrang helped me get past all the weird stuff with Schmidt.
Jess: I need the Anti-Nick.
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: I need a real man, who can express his feelings, and I need a different mouth on my mouth. To erase that mouth.

Schmidt: This month marks Nick and my ten year anniversary of living together. Our "tin" anniversary.
Jess: Ten years? You guys are like Bert and Ernie.
Nick: I got dibs on Bert.
Schmidt: Dibs on Ernie.
Nick: Nice.
Schmidt: Cool, man. All right.

Jess: Did you know that the chemical symbol for tin is SN? Schmidt and Nick.
Schmidt: What?
Jess: Is no one else's mind blown by this?
Schmidt: That's it, our theme is TinFinity.

Nick: TinFinity. That's actually really good, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Yeah, it is.
Nick: Although, I really don't think two men who live together for ten years need a party.
Schmidt: Why must you always be like this?
Nick: Because you never let me participate in the planning.
Schmidt: I would love for you to participate.
Nick: Gah! That was a trick. I was trying to get out of it.

Jess: They're celebrating ten years of living together?
Cece: Why are we friends with these guys, Jess?
Jess: I...
Cece: What happened?
Jess: It's so weird to think that Nick is the last person I kissed. Actually, Schmidt's the last person I kissed.
Cece: Okay, what?
Jess: It was nothing. Nick was watching.
Cece: What is happening in this loft?

Jess: [to Cece] I wish I knew what was going on inside Nick's head. He's this, like, grumpy mystery.
Nick: Jess, are these open for anybody?
Jess: Yep.
Nick: Right on, thank you.
Jess: [to Cece] He can't communicate a feeling to save his life. But why can't I stop thinking about his mouth on my mouth?

Jess: What happened to the guys in this bar? They open up a bus station next door? Where are the real men?
Schmidt: I can't talk right now. I'm writing a strongly-worded e-mail to my florist.

Nick: Okay, I'm older now. I am wiser. I want to help plan my own party.
Schmidt: Okay, fine, I will give you balloons...
Nick: Oh, sweet, balloons are...and Porta Potties.
Nick: Porta Potties?! That sounds like a job for babies.
Schmidt: [shows pictures of porta potties] Does that look like a job for babies?
Nick: Oh, so this is a big job? I thought you were being disrespectful.
Schmidt: No!
Nick: Oh.
Schmidt: Where do you think people are gonna go to the bathroom?
Nick: I never thought of that
Schmidt: And you are now in charge of that, and if you dig a hole in a- in, in a dirt field, I'm gonna kill you.