Winston: Nick, my man, looking good.
Schmidt: New set of PJs?
Nick: I know what you're doing. You're blowing hot air up in between my butt cheeks. And I'm no idiot. I know
I was let go 'cause of the dang old machine. Story as old as time. A new piece of technology comes around, and all the peasants freak out. But one prince knows what's going on, and he says: "Don't trust the technology!" And all you peasants trust it, and then the machine becomes self-aware and destroys you all. And then, I become the loneliest prince of all, laughing in my golden tower.
Schmidt: Isn't that a movie?
Nick: Maybe I stole that from War Games, yeah.
Schmidt: Short Circuit.
Nick: No, it isn't.
Winston: Man, you know what's a good movie? Splash.
Cece: I don't know what is happening.

Schmidt: I'm just excited to add a third number: Home, work and cell. Damn, I'm reachable. I'm definitely gonna mention that in my profile in Business, Man! Magazine.
Nick: Businessman Magazine?
Schmidt: No, no, no. Check that out: Business, Man! Magazine. I've gotten a lot of heat from working on the sponge account. I'm telling you, this is the first step in my quest to becoming a millionaire.

Winston: What does marketing mean to Schmidt?
Nick: This was the spoiler. What did it say? Uh... Predicting desires.
Schmidt: Predicting desires.
Winston: Well, to me, it's all about predicting desires and finding buyers, you feel me? [chuckles]
Schmidt: He's really good on the phone.
Winston: Did you know that my name was an acronym? Uh-huh. Schmidt: Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness. [Winston laughs] Schmidt don't quit!

Jess: Aah! This phone situation has me really jazzed up! Excuse my language. Now, I'm gonna propose something. Something insane. Now you just all have to stay calm and trust me.
[later:]
Winston: Fascinating.
Coach: Where do you put your music?
Schmidt: Why is there a rope?

Coach: I'm mad at you, Jess. Why'd you put me on blast like that?
Jess: Because you shouldn't be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two. Who are you, Blanche from Golden Girls?

Schmidt: Why won't these messages play, Winston? The machine's on the Fritz.
Winston: Just don't tell Nick.
Schmidt: The magazine was supposed to call today and set up my interview. I'm as mad as a dad in traffic!
Winston: You probably burnt it out. I mean, you listened to Cece's message 100 times.
Schmidt: I know. Then I touched my peen.

Jess: [on the phone] I'm so sorry. They're building a new building next door and I have terrible reception.
Nick: Hey, no more phone calls! Get out of my room!
Coach: It's the only place I can get a signal, dude... You know that.
Nick: Out!
Coach: [also on the phone] Look at the stick... Is it red or blue?

Schmidt: Just can't stop looking at this thing.
Winston: Man, I used to be so great at talking on the phone, man. You know, something about the cord and the handset that just really set me at ease.
Nick: You were weirdly smooth.
[flashback:]
Younger Winston: [on the phone] If you slow dance with Nick, I'll hold hands with Amy. Just make sure she cut her fingernails, though.
Nick: Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.
Winston: I'm just being stupid.
Nick: Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.
Winston: It was going great, by the way.
Nick: If this isn't sexy, I don't know what the heck is.
[present:]
Nick: Something just came over him. He was amazing.

Nick: [to Schmidt] Well, I think that's a weird plan, but let's drink to it... Who's in?
Winston: Oh, I would, man, but I got a lot of police stuff to study. You know, like, roads, laws, bullets...

Coach: We have to fill out a form declaring our relationship?
Jess: Yes, it's a legal thing. We're just covering our asses. While you uncover yours. Sorry, that was an unfortunate joke. [nervous laugh]