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‘Landline’ Quotes

New Girl: Landline

405. Landline

Aired October 14, 2014

Nick becomes the loft's secretary when they get a landline. Meanwhile, Jess implements a policy against workplace fraternization at work after Coach has relations with two members of staff.

Quote from Nick

Winston: Nick, my man, looking good.
Schmidt: New set of PJs?
Nick: I know what you're doing. You're blowing hot air up in between my butt cheeks. And I'm no idiot. I know
I was let go 'cause of the dang old machine. Story as old as time. A new piece of technology comes around, and all the peasants freak out. But one prince knows what's going on, and he says:"Don't trust the technology!" And all you peasants trust it, and then the machine becomes self-aware and destroys you all. And then, I become the loneliest prince of all, laughing in my golden tower.
Schmidt: Isn't that a movie?
Nick: Maybe I stole that from War Games, yeah.
Schmidt: Short Circuit.
Nick: No, it isn't.
Winston: Man, you know what's a good movie? Splash.
Cece: I don't know what is happening.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I'm just excited to add a third number: Home, work and cell. Damn, I'm reachable. I'm definitely gonna mention that in my profile in Business, Man! Magazine.
Nick: Businessman Magazine?
Schmidt: No, no, no. Check that out: Business, Man! Magazine. I've gotten a lot of heat from working on the sponge account. I'm telling you, this is the first step in my quest to becoming a millionaire.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Aah! This phone situation has me really jazzed up! Excuse my language. Now, I'm gonna propose something. Something insane. Now you just all have to stay calm and trust me.
[later:]
Winston: Fascinating.
Coach: Where do you put your music?
Schmidt: Why is there a rope?

Quote from Jess

Coach: I'm mad at you, Jess. Why'd you put me on blast like that?
Jess: Because you shouldn't be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two. Who are you, Blanche from Golden Girls?

Quote from Winston

Winston: What does marketing mean to Schmidt?
Nick: This was the spoiler. What did it say? Uh... Predicting desires.
Schmidt: Predicting desires.
Winston: Well, to me, it's all about predicting desires and finding buyers, you feel me? [chuckles]
Schmidt: He's really good on the phone.
Winston: Did you know that my name was an acronym? Uh-huh. Schmidt: Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness. [Winston laughs] Schmidt don't quit!

Quote from Coach

Jess: [on the phone] I'm so sorry. They're building a new building next door and I have terrible reception.
Nick: Hey, no more phone calls! Get out of my room!
Coach: It's the only place I can get a signal, dude... You know that.
Nick: Out!
Coach: [also on the phone] Look at the stick... Is it red or blue?

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Just can't stop looking at this thing.
Winston: Man, I used to be so great at talking on the phone, man. You know, something about the cord and the handset that just really set me at ease.
Nick: You were weirdly smooth.
[flashback:]
Younger Winston: [on the phone] If you slow dance with Nick, I'll hold hands with Amy. Just make sure she cut her fingernails, though.
Nick: Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.
Winston: I'm just being stupid.
Nick: Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.
Winston: It was going great, by the way.
Nick: If this isn't sexy, I don't know what the heck is.
[present:]
Nick: Something just came over him. He was amazing.

Quote from Winston

Nick: [to Schmidt] Well, I think that's a weird plan, but let's drink to it... Who's in?
Winston: Oh, I would, man, but I got a lot of police stuff to study. You know, like, roads, laws, bullets...

Quote from Jess

Coach: We have to fill out a form declaring our relationship?
Jess: Yes, it's a legal thing. We're just covering our asses. While you uncover yours. Sorry, that was an unfortunate joke. [nervous laugh]

Quote from Nick

Nick: All right, here you go.
Winston: Wow. Are these alphabetized?
Nick: Yeah, you're welcome. I felt like a secretary. It was pretty awesome. Some auto body shop called, Schmidt... Apparently you're getting a spoiler?
Schmidt: I'm not getting a sp... I just wanted a quote. Yeah, I get a quote just in case I do want to actually buy one. And it's nice to have a price before you get emotionally invested. It's called predicting desires.
Nick: What I wish I would have said is when I first said it... "Spoiler alert." I wish it... when I... I wish I would have said, um, "you're getting a spoiler. Spoiler alert."

Quote from Nick

Nick: Do you want to talk about it? Just kidding. I'm messing with you. Are you guys having as much fun as I'm having right now? This landline has really brought us together in a great way. I miss this. Hey, if I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some? Those look like two hungry faces... [chuckles]

Quote from Jess

Jess: That's it! I'm gonna need to talk to all these teachers.
Coach: You're just jealous because you're not gettin' any. [indignant gasp from Jess] When's the last time someone gave you CPR?
Jess: Well, I give it to myself at least once a month...
Coach: Oh!
Jess: To refresh. I'm talking about real CPR!
Coach: Oh.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: [answers phone] This is Schmidt.
Nick: Hey, it's Nick. Let me get Winston. Winnie the bish, you on?
Winston: What is happening right now?
Nick: I'm just giving you guys your midday update. Schmidt, dry-cleaner company called. Your socks are ready.
Schmidt: Oh, great. Not quite sure why we need to be on a conference call for this.
Nick: Not quite sure why you need to dry-clean your socks, you weirdo, but we'll get back to that.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, let's try it again.
Cece: All right, all right. [beep] Hello. You've reached the loft.
Schmidt: Oh, my God!
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Too sexy!
Winston: Sounds good to me.
Schmidt: Are you out of your mind? I'm on fire right now. This is a home. We're not selling lubricant.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [phone rings] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's see what she can do. [beep]
Cece: [flatly] Hello. You've reached the loft.
Schmidt: Oh, my God. Will you not stop until the whole world is aro...? [beep]
Woman: Hey, this message is for Nick. You responded to my ad about a custom secretary headset. Please give me a call back. [beep]
Nick: How do they know my name? It's a stinking old prank. I don't even care. I got a lot going on today, so...
Cece: Are you just eating a bowl of jelly?
Nick: What does it look like?
Cece: It looks like a bowl of jelly.
Nick: It's a bowl of jelly, yeah.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Why won't these messages play, Winston? The machine's on the Fritz.
Winston: Just don't tell Nick.
Schmidt: The magazine was supposed to call today and set up my interview. I'm as mad as a dad in traffic!
Winston: You probably burnt it out. I mean, you listened to Cece's message 100 times.
Schmidt: I know. Then I touched my peen.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: All right, Nick, hey, uh, you were home today. Did anybody leave any messages about my interview for tomorrow?
Nick: I don't know. Why don't you ask the machine? Isn't that what you wanted?
Schmidt: [chuckles] Uh, the machine's not working.
Nick: Well, isn't that funny? I feel like I'm working perfectly.
Schmidt: I'm gonna go take this machine back to 1993 and exchange it.

Quote from Winston

Nick: It's the magazine. They want to cancel the interview.
Winston: What?
Nick: They want to do it right now or not at all. [on the phone] Yeah, this is Nick again. No, he-he did... He might... Hold on one second. I hear something. That might be him. Please hold. [quietly] You've got to talk to 'em.
Winston: Why do I have to talk?
Nick: Because even though you're the most awkward person I've ever met, you're magic on the phone and you know it.
Winston: You know, I put those days behind me...
Nick: Schmidt's right here. Hold one sec. You have to do it. For Schmidt.
Winston: I need a soda, I need a straw and I need to get horizontal, so get out of my way. [grunts, exhales deeply] Yeah, this is Schmidt. What up?

Quote from Winston

Winston: [on the phone, as Schmidt] I read. The last book I read. Good question, good question.
Nick: Uh, some biography with, uh, Carson Daly. The one with the red cover.
Winston: Yes, that Carson Daly Joint. You know, I respect that dude. Yeah, he's just like me. He's always on. There's not a lot of good white role models out there, and I say that as a white man. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you got it, Business, Man!
Schmidt: Is that the magazine? What are you boobs do... What are you. Winston, get off the phone. Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
Nick: Shh! Trust us.

Quote from Coach

Jess: I just came in here to say I'm sorry. Sometimes it's... Hard to control your feelings. Which I demonstrated by... Grabbing a man's "dujeels" in front of the entire faculty.
Coach: Well, I'm sorry for putting you in a position to grab that man's "dujeels." I don't like saying "dujeels." It's weird. I call mine my Sam Jackson 'cause he's in everything.


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