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‘Lillypads’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Lillypads

703. Lillypads

Aired April 24, 2018

Schmidt and Cece ask Jess to coach Ruth ahead of an interview at an exclusive preschool. Meanwhile, Winston must take the stand, and Nick faces a deadline to turn in a sample of his latest work.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Then why don't you have the confidence to take the stand? The problem is, is you still see yourself as that 10-year-old boy who fainted the first time you went rollerblading. You rolled right into Lake Michigan.
Winston: That did wake me up.
Nick: But you're not that kid. You're a detective now. Married to the love of your life. You have a child on the way. Unburden yourself, Winston. Now, I'm going to ask you one last time. Did you or did you not masturbate?
Winston: I. Did. Not.
Nick: Damn it, Detective.
Winston: I didn't.
Nick: Detective? Did you have intent to pleasure yourself?
Winston: I did.
[flashback:]
Winston: [slow motion] Nick!
[present:]
Winston: I did have the intent, man. But you know how it is when you're a hot-blooded Chicago teenager, man.

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Quote from Jess

Cece: I mean, I kind of liked Triangles. Besides, are we really Lillypads people?
Schmidt: Yes.
Jess: I hope not. That kind of competitive, overpriced private school, B dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash... T is the reason why I got out of teaching in the first place.
Cece: What did happen at Banyon Canyon?
Schmidt: Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon?
Jess: You know I can't discuss that until one of four civil lawsuits is settled.
Cece: I know, but what...
Jess: No further questions.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves with pancakes. Daddy's coming in at a nine, and we're seconds away from being at a ten. I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads, the most prestigious preschool in all of Jerry Brown's California!
Jess: Ugh! Lillypads?
Schmidt: I found out there was an opening. Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son just disappeared like that. We're all praying for his safe return, of course, just not until enrollment closes.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You guys, this is crazy. Look at this beautiful, impressionable child.
Schmidt: Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future. If she gets into Lillypads, she gets into Willows. If she gets into Willows, she gets into Harvard. And if she gets into Harvard, it's a bullet train to the Oval Office.
Cece: Hmm.
Schmidt: Don't you want Ruth to be the president?
Jess: Of course I do, but you can do it without going to some pressure cooker that turns her into a robot. [in robotic voice] Meep, meep, alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.
Schmidt: Have you not seen Star Wars? Robots are helpful and often delightful.

Quote from Cece

Cece: Look, I know it sounds crazy, but Lillypads was really magical. The kids wear uniforms and, you know, not to sound weird, but they look hot.
Jess: That sounds weird.
Cece: They did.
Schmidt: I hear you, I hear you.
Cece: They looked super hot.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Working on this thing about Chicago, actually.
Winston: Ooh.
Nick: So you know it's gonna be raw. You know it's gonna be personal.
Winston: Oh, yeah.
Nick: Also, it doesn't exist. And if I don't have 20 pages by 3:00 today, I'm gonna get punched in the face.
Winston: Who, your editor?
Nick: No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist.
Winston: Wait, so you hired a man to punch you in the face if you don't write 20 pages?
Nick: Yeah. I have no idea what he looks like, either.
Winston: You know, I would have punched you in the face for free.
Nick: Well, I got somebody.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, I'm a detective now and I have to testify in these trials. But you know I get rattled on the stand.
[flashback:]
Winston: Can you repeat the question?
Lawyer: I asked you if you'd like me to repeat the question.
Winston: Can you repeat the question? [to the judge] Can you have her repeat the question?

Quote from Winston

Nick: My question is about the night of January 12.
Winston: Wait, what? No, no, no. No, no.
Nick: 2001.
Winston: Nick, that is a cold case and I won't discuss it any further.
Nick: Well, looks like we're discussing it now.
Winston: I was not masturbating!
Nick: Easy, Winston. You just screamed "masturbating." What are you doing, man?
Winston: Sorry.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay. Jess, we have four hours. [Jess exhales] What are they doing? [Jess and Ruth exhale] What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are, what are they doing?!
Jess: We're practicing our breathing.
Schmidt: Oh. Oh, okay, oh, well, good, wonderful. So, you're teaching Ruth how to do the one thing she's known how to do since birth.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: See, Schmidt? We're not cutting circles; we're being circles.
Schmidt: Right. Of course. Ruth can't hold a scissor, but now she can twirl around like a goon at a Phish show.

Quote from Cece

Cece: What's going on?
Schmidt: Your friend is costing us Washington.
Jess: Why didn't you marry Shivrang?
Cece: Ruth, is that coffee?
Ruth: Yep.
Cece: Okay, there is a child here. I'm gonna take her to the bedroom right now so she can watch local news bloopers. I don't know why she likes them so much.
Ruth: They're blowing their big shot.

Quote from Winston

Winston: There is nothing to come clean about. Wait, aren't you 11 pages away from getting punched in the face?
Nick: Oh, just answer the question. Does or does not the evidence speak for itself? Do I need to refresh your memory, sir?
[voices over flashback:]
Nick: I didn't phone ahead to warn you of my arrival. I just thought it would be fun to surprise you at college.
Winston: It was fun.
Nick: Well, it should have been fun. A man in front of a computer...
Winston: I was checking my EarthLink.
Nick: With no pants on.
Winston: You know my bottoms run hot!
Nick: Tissues suspiciously close.
Winston: They were Doug's.
[present:]
Nick: Lotion. One sock.
Winston: Ashy elbows. Cold left foot.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Look, why am I explaining this to you? You're the one who's supposed to be writing right now. You know what I figured out? You are a procrastinator.
Nick: Said the pro-masturbator.
Winston: You always procrastinate when something is important to you. And you know how I know? January 12, 2001.
Nick: Damn you.
Winston: You drove eight hours across the country to come see me at college, to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life.
Nick: Oh...
Winston: A Bug's Life. The weekend before your midterms.
Nick: You son of a bitch!

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: You know what got her those three t-poles? Hippie-dippy mishegas.
Jess: Well, she couldn't cut a perfect circle without your cold-blooded demand for excellence.
Schmidt: Is it possible that after all of this time fighting, that, together, we're the perfect parent? I mean, look, you're sweet.
Jess: You're salty.
Cece: Excuse me, she lived inside of me, ya jerks.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Losing confidence?
Winston: Nick, what are you doing here, man?
Nick: I came to thank you. I got punched in the face, and I gotta say, it set me free. Check it out, man. 20 pages. And they're all good. Some of them are good. Five pages are good. I really like the title.

Quote from Winston

Prosecutor: Detective, recess is over. We're ready for you now.
Winston: I wanted to pleasure myself, and this man helped me get there.
Nick: Aw, you did it on your own.
Winston: Oh, no, you helped me.
Nick: No, you did it on your own.
Winston: [laughs] Okay, I did it on my own.
Nick: Chicago.
Winston: Chicago.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Wait. Didn't you guys already look at a preschool?
Schmidt: [scoffs] You mean Triangles?
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Okay.
Cece: Ew.
Schmidt: Chicken.
Cece: Hmm?
Schmidt: I made eye contact with the chicken. He knows that I had eggs for breakfast. Take her. Take the pretty one.
Cece: I don't think that a chicken cares that you had eggs.
Schmidt: No!

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Please don't start this again. You two have been arguing about how Ruth should be raised since the day she was born.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, I have to. Okay, if it was up to her, Ruth would have been born in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y. I'm not letting your hippie-dippie mishegas ruin Ruth's future. This child is a genius.
Ruth: Yay! [runs into the wall]
Cece: Oh!
Ruth: Whoa.
Schmidt: She does this all the time. Just give her a minute. She'll come to.

Quote from Nick

Ruth: Good-bye, Mr. Diarrhea-head.
Nick: Hey, do you have my money, Ruth?
Ruth: [groans]
Nick: Then we have nothing to talk about.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: We just came back from Lillypads and we need your help.
Schmidt: We were picking up our paperwork when we ran into that supervillain/wax figure/ former best friend of mine, Benjamin.
[flashback:]
Benjamin: Have you gotten your kid ready for this interview yet? We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, we own this man's ass.
Cece: W-What are they getting tested on?
Benjamin: Draw a face. Cut a circle. Know colors. Make eye contact.
Schmidt: I'm sorry, hold on. I'm sorry, at three? How could a child... [tuneful melody] Is that your boy over there
playing the piccolo?
Benjamin: Oh, yeah. That's my seed, all right.
[present:]
Schmidt: I had to lay down. At which point, Benjamin's child started giving me shiatsu.
Jess: Oh.
Schmidt: Which is apparently another thing he knows how to do.

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