Nick: Then why don't you have the confidence to take the stand? The problem is, is you still see yourself as that 10-year-old boy who fainted the first time you went rollerblading. You rolled right into Lake Michigan.
Winston: That did wake me up.
Nick: But you're not that kid. You're a detective now. Married to the love of your life. You have a child on the way. Unburden yourself, Winston. Now, I'm going to ask you one last time. Did you or did you not masturbate?
Winston: I. Did. Not.
Nick: Damn it, Detective.
Winston: I didn't.
Nick: Detective? Did you have intent to pleasure yourself?
Winston: I did.
[flashback:]
Winston: [slow motion] Nick!
[present:]
Winston: I did have the intent, man. But you know how it is when you're a hot-blooded Chicago teenager, man.

Cece: I mean, I kind of liked Triangles. Besides, are we really Lillypads people?
Schmidt: Yes.
Jess: I hope not. That kind of competitive, overpriced private school, B dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash, dash... T is the reason why I got out of teaching in the first place.
Cece: What did happen at Banyon Canyon?
Schmidt: Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon?
Jess: You know I can't discuss that until one of four civil lawsuits is settled.
Cece: I know, but what...
Jess: No further questions.

Winston: Look, why am I explaining this to you? You're the one who's supposed to be writing right now. You know what I figured out? You are a procrastinator.
Nick: Said the pro-masturbator.
Winston: You always procrastinate when something is important to you. And you know how I know? January 12, 2001.
Nick: Damn you.
Winston: You drove eight hours across the country to come see me at college, to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life.
Nick: Oh...
Winston: A Bug's Life. The weekend before your midterms.
Nick: You son of a bitch!

Schmidt: Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves with pancakes. Daddy's coming in at a nine, and we're seconds away from being at a ten. I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads, the most prestigious preschool in all of Jerry Brown's California!
Jess: Ugh! Lillypads?
Schmidt: I found out there was an opening. Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son just disappeared like that. We're all praying for his safe return, of course, just not until enrollment closes.

Jess: You guys, this is crazy. Look at this beautiful, impressionable child.
Schmidt: Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future. If she gets into Lillypads, she gets into Willows. If she gets into Willows, she gets into Harvard. And if she gets into Harvard, it's a bullet train to the Oval Office.
Cece: Hmm.
Schmidt: Don't you want Ruth to be the president?
Jess: Of course I do, but you can do it without going to some pressure cooker that turns her into a robot. [in robotic voice] Meep, meep, alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.
Schmidt: Have you not seen Star Wars? Robots are helpful and often delightful.

Nick: Working on this thing about Chicago, actually.
Winston: Ooh.
Nick: So you know it's gonna be raw. You know it's gonna be personal.
Winston: Oh, yeah.
Nick: Also, it doesn't exist. And if I don't have 20 pages by 3:00 today, I'm gonna get punched in the face.
Winston: Who, your editor?
Nick: No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist.
Winston: Wait, so you hired a man to punch you in the face if you don't write 20 pages?
Nick: Yeah. I have no idea what he looks like, either.
Winston: You know, I would have punched you in the face for free.
Nick: Well, I got somebody.

Winston: So, I'm a detective now and I have to testify in these trials. But you know I get rattled on the stand.
[flashback:]
Winston: Can you repeat the question?
Lawyer: I asked you if you'd like me to repeat the question.
Winston: Can you repeat the question? [to the judge] Can you have her repeat the question?

Nick: My question is about the night of January 12.
Winston: Wait, what? No, no, no. No, no.
Nick: 2001.
Winston: Nick, that is a cold case and I won't discuss it any further.
Nick: Well, looks like we're discussing it now.
Winston: I was not masturbating!
Nick: Easy, Winston. You just screamed "masturbating." What are you doing, man?
Winston: Sorry.

Schmidt: Okay. Jess, we have four hours. [Jess exhales] What are they doing? [Jess and Ruth exhale] What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are they doing? What are, what are they doing?!
Jess: We're practicing our breathing.
Schmidt: Oh. Oh, okay, oh, well, good, wonderful. So, you're teaching Ruth how to do the one thing she's known how to do since birth.

Jess: See, Schmidt? We're not cutting circles; we're being circles.
Schmidt: Right. Of course. Ruth can't hold a scissor, but now she can twirl around like a goon at a Phish show.