Schmidt: Yeah, it's not so easy, is it? Can't just snap your fingers and become a couple of Calvin Harrises-e-es.

Schmidt: If I don't have my taste, then what's real? Are cargo shorts gorgeous? Was I wrong about rubber awareness bracelets? Should I grow a goatee?
Winston: Look, Schmidt, you got fooled. Who cares, man? [Cece chuckles]
Schmidt: I care, Winston. I care. [exhales] I always thought of myself as a brand, as a lifestyle, but now... you know what, I'm gonna take back that chair, and I'm gonna get rid of all my gingham and I'm gonna... go buy a 14-pack of tube socks... at the grocery store.

Winston: When we are done with this song, Schmidt will totally think it is by Diplo or Garrix or Deadmau5.
Cece: What is this?
Winston: Don't worry about that, your mind is in a weird situation. First things first. I recorded a bunch of noises around the loft. Right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Winston: So we could use it as the hook. It is the mark of any EDM song. Now, check this one out. Nick shaving without shaving cream. [Nick grunting] He's bleeding at this point.
Cece: It's good, I'm just laughing at...
Nick: Yeah, it's nasty.
Cece: ... just seeing him.
Winston: Okay, check this one out.
Schmidt: [recording] Haberman, my Haberman. Haberman. My Haberman. My-my-my-my Haberman.
Cece: This one has a pretty good rhythm to it.

Nick: Uh, two duffel bags, that's all?
Reagan: Yeah, well, I travel light... which is lucky for me, because the only way I could get here from the airport was to split a cab with a lady who was eating a sub from the middle.

Cece: Ugh. Well, there goes the jukebox. It's been on the fritz for weeks.
Schmidt: I know.
Winston: Whoa. Hold on, now. It might have some life left in it, thanks to Dr. The Fonz. Heyyy... [Winston laughs] Check me out. [glass shatters]
Cece: What the hell?
Schmidt: Winston!
Winston: Ooh!
Schmidt: That's the least Fonzie move ever. It was borderline Chachi.
Winston: I just wanted to be... Art Fonzarelli for a day.
Schmidt: Ugh.
Winston: You know? Black dude playing a Jewish dude, playing an Italian dude and the world goes 'round.

Reagan: Okay, well how about you? You want to go out and maybe have like a little ladies' night? I just feel like getting really dumb.
Jess: Yeah. Dude, I'm the dumbest.
Reagan: It's a date. I am gonna take a seven-minute power nap and then go for a run to preempt all of this damage we're gonna do.

Cece: It was just a song. Okay? Your taste is your taste. It doesn't matter who else likes it.
Winston: Yeah, I mean, look at Cece, for instance. She's still rocking that Planet Hollywood jacket, and that thing is ugly as hell, man. Like, it's a really terrible jacket, and I don't get why she wears it.
Cece: I mean, take Winston, for example. He eats onions like apples. It's disgusting, his breath smells bad, it makes no sense, but...
Winston: Yeah, man. I be eating them things right down to the core, man.

Schmidt: I just got back from the chair district where I found the perfect sitting piece for our home. It's an original Haberman. It's a Haberman. It's a Haberman.
Cece: It's not helping... you to repeat it over and over again.
Schmidt: A print ad for it features a quote from David Strathairn.
Winston: [under breath] Str...
Schmidt: What do you got to say now?

Jess: Reagan has a secret apartment.
Cece: A secret apartment?
Jess: Past Jess was trying to keep me out of this.
Cece: What is she, a D.C. madam?

Nick: What's in the bag, Jess?
Jess: [chuckles] These are old lady caramels, just a little thing that Reagan and I have.
Nick: You and Reagan have things? I didn't even know you guys were in touch.
Jess: Yeah, we text. You know. We also send each other pictures of bears wearing backpacks and other humorous exchanges.
Nick: What?