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‘Jess and Julia’ Quotes

New Girl: Jess and Julia

111. Jess and Julia

Aired January 31, 2012

Nick panics when Julia doesn't want to put a label on their relationship. Meanwhile, Jess is upset to learn Julia doesn't like her, Winston realizes he has no game, and Schmidt can't figure out why his towel is always wet.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Damp! Damn it! Everybody ... bathroom now!
Jess: What's up, Dad?
Nick: What, Schmidt?
Schmidt: Is someone playing a joke on me? Honestly, why is my towel still damp?
Nick: 'cause it's not your towel. It's my towel, Schmidt.
Schmidt: No, it's not your towel. Your towel is the red one.
Nick: I'll tell you this, pal. I've never used that. I do use that one every single day.
Schmidt: Oh, God. [gags]

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Quote from Nick

Schmidt: How do you think this is your towel? Do you even wash it?
Nick: No, I don't wash the towel; the towel washes me. Who washes a towel?
Julia: You never wash...?
Nick: You wash your towel?
Schmidt: You never wash the towel?
Nick: What am I going to do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap? You got to think here, pal.
Schmidt: I'm furious right now.
Nick: I get out of the damn shower, I'm clean as a damn baby, and I use the towel.
Schmidt: Let me ask you this. Have you been wearing my underpants?
Nick: Sometimes, yeah. Who cares? [Schmidt gags] You guys don't wear each other's underpants? You're lying. We all wear each other's underwear.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ah! Damp towel! Damp!
Jess: Here we go...
Schmidt: It's like a really big Wet-Nap. Ah. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever. Look at this bathroom. There should not be two girls in this bathroom. You're too humid. You make everything damp.
Jess: 80% of the products in here are yours.
Schmidt: Blah, blah, blah, yawn. Yes, I use sculpting chutney. Once I'm done with my chutney, back in the row it goes. Hair everywhere... The multicolored rubber bands. I'm fine with it. It's all okay with me. But a damp towel is where I draw the line.

Quote from Winston

Winston: So, um... your place or mine?
Shelby: [laughs]
Winston: What are we laughing at?
Shelby: How much I'm not going home with you tonight. [laughs] You show up after two years, out of the blue, and all you do is talk about yourself. You don't even let me get a word in edgewise.
Winston: Why did you agree to let me take you out for drinks?
Shelby: Winston, you took me out for a drink at the place where I work! Here's your bill. Thanks for the water.
Winston: Man, I told you to get yourself whatever you wanted. You chose water.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Why can't you just admit that she's your girlfriend?
Nick: I know, I just thought it was uncomplicated, and now I'm freaking out. I'm not good at being a boyfriend. I'm good at being that guy that you find yourself spending more and more time with until you meet your husband.
Jess: All right. So, so far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships.
Nick: And blueberries.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Here's a scenario that's paid sexual dividends, particularly in the Asian markets, and I think, Jess, you can back me up on this. Inform her that you're an aerialist for the Cirque du Soleil.
Jess: Winston, just ask questions, pay attention to her, listen to her, don't listen to him.
Winston: Oh, believe me, I don't take advice from Schmidt. Never have, never will. Ever.

Quote from Jess

Julia: Well, I guess we're never going to know if the bird defense works. Such a bummer, too. We have this pool at my office.
Jess: Okay. Hey! I got something to say to you, man.
Julia: What?
Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown. And I hate your pantsuit. I wish it had ribbons on it or something to make it just slightly cuter. And that doesn't mean I'm not smart and tough and strong.
Julia: Okay.
Jess: And I know you like Nick, and I'm not trying to interfere, but you should just talk to him about it.
Julia: Are you done?
Jess: I am almost done. I'm about to go and pay this $800 fine, and my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch. [walks off]
Julia: That's the wrong way. [Jess turns back]

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey! Anyone! My towel! Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape. The... the bigger towel. Not... do not touch the small one.

Quote from Schmidt

[later, Schmidt walks through the living room with a small towel around his waist]
Schmidt: Okay, I left my towel in my room. Nobody look. Nobody look, yo.
Sadie: [scoffs] We don't want to.
Schmidt: Nobody look. Seriously, no... no one's looking? All right, forget it. [trips] Aah! Damn it.
Sadie: See, he's a natural blond.
Cece: What shape is that supposed to be shaved into?
Jess: Think he's trying to force perspective.
Schmidt: [chuckles] Very funny. I got to get something off my chest.
Cece: No, Schmidt, there is an apron right over there ... go cover yourself.
Jess: You are Jewish.
Sadie: You're making me gayer.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Are you going to go on, like, a big wet towel rant?
Schmidt: No. This is now a sex rant. To wit, six months ago, I thought getting a girl roommate would mean sex all the time ... definitely with her friends and probably with her. Are there women here? Yeah, sure, more than ever. But you ... not going to happen. You, I will never give up. And you... well, you sample from the gumbo pot.
Sadie: Ha.
Schmidt: I am in a damp bathroom full of naked women every day, and I hate it. It's like a nightmare. I'm in a... watermelon-themed apron with a... A tampon? Why would you need this for cooking?

Quote from Winston

Winston: Yeah, over in Latvia they had this fermented milk stuff that they drink. Whole country runs on the stuff. Called [bleats]. [bleats] was definitely one of my biggest endorsements. I mean, I have a lot of endorsements, but that was probably my biggest endorsement amongst other endorsements that I had.
Shelby: Wow.

Quote from Jess

Julia: There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place?
Jess: Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s. He accepts everyone.
Julia: Yeah, and... Winston and Nick...
Jess: I probably shouldn't...
Julia: Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
Jess: Plead the Fifth!
Julia: No, that's not what...
Jess: Objection!

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I just had an idea. Why don't we hang our towels on towel bars instead of hooks, and that'll make them dryer?
Schmidt: That is the... that is... that is a great idea. Quick question for you. As a lesbian gynecologist, perhaps, one of these days, the two of us could sit down and talk about OSI.
Sadie: What is OSI?
Schmidt: Our shared interest.
Jess: Schmidt, clothe yourself!
Schmidt: All right, all right. It was just a suggestion.

Quote from Nick

Julia: Boyfriend.That's so lame. You're totally going to... carry my books home from school.
Nick: I will if you wear my leatherman jacket.
Julia: It's "letterman" jacket.
Nick: No, I'm pretty sure it's a leatherman jacket.
Julia: You letter...
Nick: The leather sleeves that the football guys wear?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Well, there's actually more there than meets the eye. Um, there was a bird ... he's not in the shot ... but he was injured, and he couldn't get out of the road, and so I braked, and then I had to accelerate out of the intersection.
Julia: You missed your first court date on this.
Jess: My ex-boyfriend failed to send it to me before the court date, because he doesn't believe in mail, which has to do with his thoughts on government spending.
Julia: Now it's an $800 fine.
Jess: That's why I need, like, a really awesome lawyer, like you. So... can you help me?
Julia: I mean, I can try. You never know. A judge might buy into this whole thing, so...
Jess: What "whole thing"?
Julia: Your whole thing. With the cupcakes, and the braking for birds, and... bluebirds come and help me dress in the morning.
Jess: Oh, I didn't know I was doing a thing.
Julia: It's a great thing. I mean, the big, beautiful eyes, like a scared baby. I'm sure that gets you out of all kinds of stuff.
Jess: Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral vision's, like, almost too good.

Quote from Jess

Cece: She said you have "a whole thing"?
Sadie: I'm sorry, she doesn't like desserts?
Cece: Where is she right now?
Sadie: Look, I think I know what she meant. I mean, you do like girly stuff. I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. When I met you, you were wearing a hat made of ribbons.
Jess: My ribbon hat. I love that hat.
Cece: Screw her. And I'm gonna wear that ribbon hat. Go get it, right now.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Okay, what did Julia do wrong?
Jess: It's just how girls fight sometimes. There's a lot unsaid. Like one time, a girl said to me, "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."
Sadie: Ooh. How did she say it?
Jess: [Valley girl voice] "Jess, you rock a lot of polka dots."
Cece: That is diabolical.
Sadie: I'm really sorry.
Jess: And it ruined our friendship. I mean, I couldn't get over the polka dot incident.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: She told him she didn't want to label it.
Sadie: Oh. I mean, that's a classic move, even in the lesbian community.
Schmidt: What are we talking about?
Sadie: Did you just hear the phrase "lesbian community" and come running out of your room?
Schmidt: I did. Uh... question, for you. This community you speak of, do the ladies look, uh... more like this one or, you know... kind of Nickish?
Nick: Aw, shut up, Schmidt.
Sadie: I did date a woman who looked a lot like Nick.
Jess: You did. Felicia.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: It didn't go well with Shelby?
Winston: I gotta say, I thought it would be easy. You know? Maybe... Maybe I don't have game. Maybe I never had game. Maybe it's always been about basketball.
Nick: Yeah, you don't have any game. It's always been because you play basketball. Are you seriously just realizing that you don't have game?
Winston: What is your secret, man? How do normal guys get girls?
Schmidt: Let's not say "normal." Just, you know, say what it is ... "average."

Quote from Nick

Nick: You're dating other people?
Julia: Yeah, yeah.
Nick: No. No, I'm seeing other people, too.
Julia: Good. Good.
Nick: I'm having sex all the time. I'm like a mailman. Except instead of mail, it's hot sex that I deliver.
Julia: I've had to start carrying, like, athletic shoes in my purse, 'cause I have to sprint from one sexual encounter to another. Can't wear heels.
Nick: Well, I'm having sex right now. Under the bar. And she's on top. So figure that out. [moans]

Quote from Jess

Jess: Did Nick say some stuff to you? Because I'm really sorry, and I want to explain...
Julia: Why would you tell him that I said that? Do you know what that makes me look like?
Jess: Um...
Julia: I see what you're doing. I know that I'm the mean lawyer girl who wears suits and works too much and you... you're the really fun teacher girl with all the colorful skirts and you bake things. And eventually, Nick is going to come running to you and you'll tuck him in under his blankie and...
Jess: What is it with you and the blankie thing? I never said the word blankie. I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.
Julia: If I acted the way that you act when I was at work, nobody would listen to me.
Jess: Well, if I acted like you at work, my students would turn in really weird, dark dioramas, so...
Julia: I don't like you. And I don't want to be your friend, so...
Jess: Fine.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You moved.
Shelby: You remember my old place?
Winston: The place in the hood?
Shelby: No. It was hood-adjacent.
Winston: [chuckles] Whatever.


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