Jess: Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed?
Schmidt: I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation. Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this.
Jess: What is that?
Cece: Oh, my God, that poor girl.
Schmidt: This is the Archduke. The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
Winston: Dude, this thing takes sixteen single A batteries?
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

Jess: He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.
Nick: People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so...
Schmidt: I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.
Nick: I've worn a tuxedo. [scoffs] Everybody has tuxedos.
Schmidt: Tuxedo is different than a suit.
Nick: It is?

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: Is this the first time you'll be making... full love?
Younger Schmidt: No way, Jose. Look, Nick... back in high school, they used to call me... the sex... the sex Hammer.
Younger Nick: That's a great nickname.
Younger Schmidt: But, you know, now that we're sitting here talking, would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly about the subject of intercourse?
Younger Nick: Shoot.
Younger Schmidt: Cool. Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
Younger Nick: Not one bit.
Younger Schmidt: If I pee while it's happening, will she die? [Nick is silent] How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat?
Younger Nick: I don't think it's an exact science. I think it depends on your frame.
Younger Schmidt: So, I should eat right before.
Younger Nick: In terms of lubricant, do I put a small amount everywhere or do I use a large amount in a small... in a smaller area?
Younger Nick: [groans] You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt.
Younger Schmidt: You're the coolest, Nick.

[flashback:]
Younger Winston: Oh, man. They're all on the Titanic. How does this movie end?

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight. It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI was gonna track me down or a paper trail.
Walt Miller: You think too much. You think too much about everything. When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too. I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition. You should have seen her boobs. They were great. Real pointy, just like I like 'em.
Younger Nick: Gross.
Walt Miller: Listen, Nicky, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. I just want to make sure that you don't miss out on the things in life that are happening when you're not thinking. Because, believe you me, those... are the best things in life.

[flashback:]
Younger Jess: How did I get this far without having sex? In three years, I'm gonna be 25. I can't rent my first car as a virgin. They'll know.

Winston: Oh, that reminds me Daisy called, and we're going out tonight. Yeah, she sounded pretty excited. I do believe her exact words were, "This is your last chance." So, I'm very confident.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Very confident.

Jess: Schmidt, can you help me with my phone? I have...
Schmidt: Oh, you need help? Where's your women's lib now?

Nick: Am I the only one kind of dying to know who this Teddy character is? I think I speak for all of us...
Schmidt: Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay?
Nick: No...
Schmidt: www.MoveOn.org.
Nick: Yeah, "ww" It's not about that, just...
Winston: Chill out.
Nick: Yeah, no. Thanks.

Jess: Fine. Look. Um... [sighs] I already regret this. Teddy... Teddy took my flower.
Schmidt: Wow, yeah, he did.
Winston: What flower? What?!
Nick: Yeah, he stole a flower from you? And you want to have drinks with him? [off Jess's look] Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.
Cece: Ugh.