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‘Virgins’ Quotes

New Girl: Virgins

223. Virgins

Aired April 30, 2013

The gang tell the stories of how they lost their virginities.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, hey, guys, you have any hair you want removed?
Schmidt: I must respectfully decline such a horribly depressing invitation. Going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven't had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this.
Jess: What is that?
Cece: Oh, my God, that poor girl.
Schmidt: This is the Archduke. The crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
Winston: Dude, this thing takes sixteen single A batteries?
Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.
Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

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Quote from Nick

Jess: He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.
Nick: People have told me I look really good in tuxedos, so...
Schmidt: I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.
Nick: I've worn a tuxedo. [scoffs] Everybody has tuxedos.
Schmidt: Tuxedo is different than a suit.
Nick: It is?

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: Is this the first time you'll be making... full love?
Younger Schmidt: No way, Jose. Look, Nick... back in high school, they used to call me... the sex... the sex Hammer.
Younger Nick: That's a great nickname.
Younger Schmidt: But, you know, now that we're sitting here talking, would you mind having a discussion, uh, openly about the subject of intercourse?
Younger Nick: Shoot.
Younger Schmidt: Cool. Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
Younger Nick: Not one bit.
Younger Schmidt: If I pee while it's happening, will she die? [Nick is silent] How many minutes before sex is it... is it okay to eat?
Younger Nick: I don't think it's an exact science. I think it depends on your frame.
Younger Schmidt: So, I should eat right before.
Younger Nick: In terms of lubricant, do I put a small amount everywhere or do I use a large amount in a small... in a smaller area?
Younger Nick: [groans] You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt.
Younger Schmidt: You're the coolest, Nick.

Quote from Winston

[flashback:]
Younger Winston: Oh, man. They're all on the Titanic. How does this movie end?

Quote from Nick

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: I'm sorry, Dad. I couldn't make love to Ms. Octopussy tonight. It's too dangerous, and I was afraid the FBI was gonna track me down or a paper trail.
Walt Miller: You think too much. You think too much about everything. When I was your age, my dad got a girl for me, too. I mean, this is almost a Miller family tradition. You should have seen her boobs. They were great. Real pointy, just like I like 'em.
Younger Nick: Gross.
Walt Miller: Listen, Nicky, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. I just want to make sure that you don't miss out on the things in life that are happening when you're not thinking. Because, believe you me, those... are the best things in life.

Quote from Jess

[flashback:]
Younger Jess: How did I get this far without having sex? In three years, I'm gonna be 25. I can't rent my first car as a virgin. They'll know.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh, that reminds me Daisy called, and we're going out tonight. Yeah, she sounded pretty excited. I do believe her exact words were, "This is your last chance." So, I'm very confident.
Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: Very confident.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Schmidt, can you help me with my phone? I have...
Schmidt: Oh, you need help? Where's your women's lib now?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Am I the only one kind of dying to know who this Teddy character is? I think I speak for all of us...
Schmidt: Nick, you and Jess didn't work out, okay?
Nick: No...
Schmidt: www.MoveOn.org.
Nick: Yeah, "ww" It's not about that, just...
Winston: Chill out.
Nick: Yeah, no. Thanks.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Fine. Look. Um... [sighs] I already regret this. Teddy... Teddy took my flower.
Schmidt: Wow, yeah, he did.
Winston: What flower? What?!
Nick: Yeah, he stole a flower from you? And you want to have drinks with him? [off Jess's look] Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.
Cece: Ugh.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I promise you mine's worse than all of yours. Prom night 2000.
Schmidt: What was the theme?
Nick: Yeah, who cares about the theme? What were you wearing?
Schmidt: I want to know the theme.

Quote from Jess

Jess: So, he and I were the founding members of the Gender Equality Society. Also, the only members of the Gender Equality Society. We both asked each other to the prom in the spirit of gender equality, and we both said yes.

Quote from Jess

Prom Date: I'm gonna take off your dress. Do I have your permission?
Jess: Yup. Yup.
Prom Date: Okay. Um... I can't find the zipper.
Jess: Oh. Oh, there is no zipper. Um, I made this dress, and my mom sewed me in, so...

Quote from Nick

Winston: So, you mean to tell me you didn't lose your virginity at prom?
Jess: Technically, no.
Schmidt: Technically?
Winston: Damn it, Jess.
Schmidt: Technically, why did we listen to that whole story, then?
Nick: Technically, this guy's the worst. [chuckles]
Schmidt: There was no sex.
Nick: Playing guitar for girls. Girls don't like that. That's a fact.
Schmidt: It's okay, man.
Nick: What's okay?

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: I wasn't done yet, guys. I was in the prologue.
Schmidt: David Foster Wallace, where is the sex? You're in last place. Cece, please go. Tell your story of how your lost your virginity. I need a palate cleanse.
Cece: Actually, it was the same night.
Schmidt: It was prom night? Really? Who was it with? Study Hall Steve or Cool Car Johnny?

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Young Cece: So what? I'm a virgin. I don't want to plan it out. Whatever happens, happens.
Man: [British accent] Oh, hello. I'd like to make love to you.
Bartender: That's Mick Jagger.
[present:]
Schmidt: What?!
Nick: Whoa!
Schmidt: What? Game changer! Freaking... Beatlemania! Beatlemania!
Jess: Keep it together, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Oh, my... The Beatles?!

Quote from Cece

Winston: What... but I'm confused. Uh, Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.
Cece: Yeah, I know. But I just love telling it.

Quote from Nick

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: The room's all yours, cowboy. Yeah, I got some, uh, mushrooms, and I'm going to a Dave Matthews concert later. I'm a Daver.
[present v/o:]
Cece: That sucks!
Winston: White people.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: I still don't understand why you didn't just leave.
Nick: I've told you a million times, my arm was a magnet and the walls were magnetic. What about that do you not understand?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Look, when we were dating, I was very limited as to what we could do sexually. It wasn't until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. But that's all different now. Now I have the Archduke.
Cece: Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube and some giant sex toy, and just being with her?
Schmidt: Plain Janeing it? [scoffs] Yeah, okay.

Quote from Nick

[flashback:]
Walt Miller: Hey. I didn't bring you two dummies all the way to New York so you can park your cans on the couch, watch TV and flick each other's Bics.
Younger Nick: Hey, Dad, last night, somebody broke in and ordered a pornographic movie, so there's a mistake on the bill. [both chuckling]
Walt Miller: Yeah, okay, you can tell that to the Marines.

Quote from Nick

[flashback:]
Younger Nick: I'm gonna do it to you.
Octopussy: You're gonna do what to me?
Younger Nick: [sobs] I don't know.
Octopussy: Are you crying?
Younger Nick: Please, excuse me, but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work.

Quote from Jess

[flashback:]
The Guy: Hey, uh, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, so this may kind of take a while.
Younger Jess: The only antidepressants you need are in my pants.
The Guy: Uh, it's really a medical issue.
Jess: I'm so sorry. That was really uncool. And... take as much time as you need.
[present:]
Jess: So, two hours later... still nothing. It was like a wind sock on a windless day.
[flashback:]
Younger Jess: Give me an update, brother. How's your wang?
The Guy: [crying]
Younger Jess: Do you have, like, an... Is there, like, an angle you could... like... I mean...
The Guy: It's just... it's so much easier when it's, like, in the shower, you know, and you're by yourself and you don't...
Younger Jess: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The Guy: And there's no one with you.
Younger Jess: Well, what can I do to help? Listen, why don't we try our luck on the other side of the castle, okay?
Younger Jess: Oh, my God! [groans] We're stuck.
The Guy: Hey, uh, don't really know why, but... ready now.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ugh. I'm sick of firemen always winning.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Well, you know, I'd just waited so long, and Teddy took me by surprise. It was the heat of the moment. I didn't have to think about it.
Schmidt: Well, who wins? I need a winner.
Jess: I think we're all losers.
Winston: Are you kidding me, Jess? You had passionate sex with a fireman, all right? I had sex with a hooker. Well, I mean, unless... Are you guys sure she was a hooker?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Jess, wait. So, is he, like, the kind of fireman that hangs back and takes care of the dog?
Jess: No, he, like, straight up fought fires.
Nick: That's awful to hear.
Jess: You know, you never actually told me how you lost yours.
Nick: Alison Daniels. On a towel in the woods. I cried. She kept her bra on. It was nice.

Quote from Schmidt

Elizabeth: What is that?
Schmidt: It's a super intense German personal power massager. But I don't think we need it.
Elizabeth: Hey. You know... since you... came all this way with that box...
Schmidt: We'll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: It was my junior year of college. I was about 200 pounds heavier.
[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: I got some lubricant. It's to use on a woman. Uh... to increase her pleasure.

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Younger Schmidt: Hey... is it chill if I have the room later? Elizabeth and I have been talking, and... we plan on merging tonight.
Younger Nick: Yeah, Schmidt!
Younger Schmidt: Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.

Quote from Schmidt

[flashback:]
Younger Elizabeth: That's a real big jar of lube, man. Wait, why are you rubbing it on your leg? No, that's my arm. Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes! Oh, stop moving so much. You're too slippery.
Younger Schmidt: Oh, this lube is so slippery.
[Schmidt falls off the top bunk and lands on Nick on the floor]
Younger Elizabeth: Schmidt, where are you? I can't see. II think there's enough lube. I think we can do it now. You definitely shouldn't be going to get more.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Wait, what? You lost your virginity to prostitutes?
Winston: No, they were businesswomen. Who could dance sexy.
Nick: Winston, 100% they were prostitutes.
Winston: Dude, no.
[flashback:]
Younger Winston: Ladies, ladies, ladies. We work in the finance markets.
Mysteria: I'm Mysteria. This is Octopussy.
Younger Nick: Your name's Octopussy?
Octopussy: Absolutely.
Younger Nick: Thank you, guys, for coming. We're very wealthy.
[present:]
Jess: Winston, listen to their names. They sound like pros.
Winston: She was a nurse. Dude, her nurse hat was in her purse.
Nick: Would you listen to yourself?!

Quote from Winston

[flashback:]
Mysteria: What's wrong with your friend?
Younger Winston: He's a virgin.
Mysteria: Aren't you a virgin, too?
Younger Winston: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.
[present:]
Winston: So Mysteria and I made love that night. For ten beautiful seconds.
[flashback:]
Younger Winston: So what do you do for a living?
Mysteria: [snickers]

Quote from Nick

[flashback:]
Walt Miller: Don't tell Winston about the girls. You know, that they're... pros.
Younger Nick: Yeah, I won't. I don't want to break his heart, you know?
Walt Miller: Okay. I mean, you can tell him, but just... wait, you know? Maybe after I'm gone.
Younger Nick: I'll tell him when you're dead.
[present:]
Nick: So it's time you should know.
Winston: Mysteria...

Quote from Winston

Nick: Jess, look at him. Let him have this.
Jess: Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston. I just can't let you win this. My story... involves... murder.
Winston: Was Mysteria even her real name?
Nick: No.


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