Jess: Oh, my God. I have the chance to teach kids again.
Bob Day: You got to go.
Jess: Oh... Dad, you should come with me.
Nick: Yes, you should go with your daughter!
Bob Day: What am I gonna do, sit in your car and get mugged? I mean, I didn't gay my way out of Vietnam just to be killed by some punk. No, no. No, I'll stay with him.

Bob Day: Come on, what's she like?
Nick: She's, uh, not quirky.
Bob Day: No?
Nick: She's got no bangs.
Bob Day: No bangs.
Nick: Uh, tall and fat.
Bob Day: Really?
Nick: Yeah. Really ugly eyes. Small, tiny little beady eyes.
Bob Day: Yeah. Yeah.
Nick: Her name is, uh, Yolanda Winston.
Bob Day: Yolanda Winston.

Nick: This girl really means a lot to me, Bob. And I just don't want to screw it up.
Bob Day: Why would you screw it up?
Nick: I don't want to make excuses, but my dad was kind of a... a piece of... You know, truth be told, Bob, I'm afraid I'm a lot like him.
Bob Day: The mere fact that you just said that means that you're nothing like your old man. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like you.
Nick: You mean that?
Bob Day: Yes, I do.
Nick: Think I'm gonna say something that might make you real happy. That little girl I was talking about, Yolanda? Her name isn't Yolanda. It's Jess. She's your daughter.
Bob Day: I'll kill you! [Nick screams] You're dead! You're dead!

Bob Day: Jess, why are you picking him? He's a lazy, drunken cable thief. Wh-What's wrong with Wilson?
Jess: Dad, there's nothing wrong with Nick. You don't even know him.
Bob Day: I do know him. I know him. When I was young, I was confused, I was lost, I had no plan. But I went ahead and got married anyway. And if I had figured things out before I got married, I might still be with your mother. So I do know you. You're not your father. You're me. And I'm not good enough for my little girl.

Nick: Bob!
Bob Day: You. It's... you.
Nick: Nick.
Bob Day: Right. Nick. How could I forget that? Sorry to interrupt you. Wilson let me in. Well, what are you doing with that? That, uh, looks like lady food.

Schmidt: So, are the reviews in?
Elizabeth: The reviews for what?
Schmidt: My new body. How it moves. Its pitch, its yaw. My perfectly sculpted pubic topiary.
Elizabeth: I liked how your body moved before you knew what to do with it.

Schmidt: You never cared about what people thought. I mean, even last night, with the window open and the woof howls.
Man: [o.s.] It was very uncomfortable.
Elizabeth: Stop threatening to move, Bernie, and just move!
Schmidt: I love that about you. I'm gonna go to work. Do you want to have lunch later?
Elizabeth: It's still impressive, but did you lose weight down...?
Schmidt: It's slightly smaller. Doctors - no explanation.
Man: [o.s.] That's not normal.
Elizabeth: Shut up, Bernie!
Schmidt: Shut up, Bernie!

Nick: Oh, no, no, that, uh, that doesn't work.
Jess: That's a bad idea.
Nick: That's - I've-I've got stuff I got to do, so...
Jess: Yeah.
Bob Day: Stuff? You don't have any stuff. Name one stuff.
Nick: Documents.
Bob Day: Documents?
Nick: Yeah, I got documents.

Cece: [on the phone] Just hang on. I can't hear you. I can't hear you. [to the room] Guys, it's too loud in here, okay?! Uncle Shishir! [on the phone] He had one scene with Salman Khan in Dabangg 2, and all of the sudden he thinks he's Amitabh Bachchan in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom.
Jess: I could just tell you later.
Cece: I am exhausted, and I still have to go pick up my wedding sari, and I still have to get my hands henna'd.
Jess: Okay, look, just send everybody to their hotels. I'll have Winston pick up your sari, and then after you're done having your hands tattooed, take a nap. Now hand the phone to Shishir.
Cece: Uncle. Jess.
Jess: Shishir, you son of a bitch. You little son of a bitch. It is not your day!

Winston: Surprise! Yeah, you can come out now! I see some-some food over here. Where my cake at? Hey, where my cake at?!