Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Girl Fight’ Quotes

New Girl: Girl Fight

410. Girl Fight

Aired December 2, 2014

Schmidt gets in the middle of an argument between Jess and Cece. Meanwhile, Winston has doubts about Nick's new girlfriend, Tran's daughter Kai.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Cece just texted me a smiley face.
Schmidt: Is that bad?
Jess: No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. I'm gonna text her [chuckles] a yellow heart. No, uh, yellow heart, whale, thumbs up.
Schmidt: Well, that seems nice.
Jess: [gasps] How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building?
Schmidt: What does that mean?
Jess: Fine! Poop. Turban guy. Granny.
Schmidt: Don't text her poop.
Jess: [gasps] Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. Slice of cake. Turtle.
Schmidt: Don't sen...
Jess: Oh. [gasps] Double syringe? Double syringe. You're right, Schmidt. Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. The gatherers have become the hunters. Be well.
Schmidt: Wh-Where are you... Where are going? L-Leave those berries be.

Rate

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, congratulations on having sisters, but I know women. You blindfold me, spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, and I'll still find the G-spot.
Coach: Schmidt...
Schmidt: Let us not forget that I had boobs for the first 19 years of my life. I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. You can't buy that kind of access.

Quote from Jess

Cece: What the hell just happened?
Coach: Fight.
Schmidt: Yeah. Now it's over. I barely even remember it.
Jess: I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. I'm starting to think that neither one of you read the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Coach! Coach! My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone. DVR is chockablock filled with American football matches, which, by the way, is a garbage... [Coach punches Schmidt in the guts] Oh!
Coach: We cool?
Schmidt: [exhales] Yeah, we cool.
Coach: Cool.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 'cause I love it. [groans] I love purses. And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse, that's where.
Coach: Lena Dunham. [off Schmid'ts look] I don't know. I...

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize.
Jess: Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. We never confront anything. That's the way it works with us. It always has.
[flashback to Jess and Cece running into each other in the school hallway:]
Young Jess: Hi.
Young Cece: Hi. [Jess walks away]
[present:]
Jess: And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. And if I bring up the purse, then everything else
comes up with it. Too many things have happened. Women have amazing memories. Because we used to be
the gatherers, and so we had to remember where all the best berries were hidden. And Cece and I, we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains.
Coach: Colorado, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska-- need I say more?
Jess: Coach gets it. See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. We're not gonna talk for three days, and then I'll surprise her with a latte. And then we'll act like nothing happened.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Ugh! She's like a robot scientist. And you're like a damn robot. And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me.
Schmidt: Jess, I'm sorry. So... What-What happens now? You bring her another coffee and you guys make up?
Jess: I don't know what happens now. We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. We're entering the abyss. It's like the month I decided not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. I had no support. Literally no support.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Republican or Democrat?
Kai: West Wing.
Nick: What's your favorite thing about America?
Kai: Kentucky women.
Nick: Favorite part of The Rock?
Kai: "Welcome to the Rock."
Nick: Gorilla or monkey?
Kai: Gorilla, hands down.
Nick: Miranda or Carrie?
Kai: Gorilla.
Nick: That's 100% perfect. Un-Unbelievable.
Kai: Thank you. The battery in the remote control is getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one out of the smoke detector.
Nick: That's exactly where I get them.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Isn't she perfect?
Winston: In a word: No. Nick, you might want to sit down for this.
Nick: I'm already sitting.
Winston: Okay. Well, look, I put together a profile. Vague about where she lives. Okay. No mention of a job. Always lets you pay. Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds, [chuckles] you're her sugar daddy.
Nick: What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy?
Winston: Only one kind: a homeless woman.
Nick: Kai is not homeless.
Winston: Nick, I have been watching her for days now, okay? She... She eats like she doesn't know where her next meal is coming from. She always dresses in layers, tons of layers.
Nick: She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran.
Winston: And where does he hang out?
Nick: A park bench. I think you're having a nervous breakdown. I really do. You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. Just leave us alone.
Winston: Maybe you should... maybe you should give her our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, but they can't open them cans. How are they gonna open the cans, Nick?

Quote from Coach

Coach: [on the phone] I can help you end this. Do you know why? Do you know why? I'm waiting.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters?
Coach: It's because I have sisters! And you know what that means?
Schmidt: And that you know more about women than me.
Coach: I know more about women than you!
Schmidt: And that I'm a little dumb-dumb.
Coach: And I'm a big smart-smart. Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. Get big like a bear. If that doesn't work, pee a circle around yourself and light it on fire.
Schmidt: I peed before I came. I had a root beer with lunch.
Coach: I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift?
Schmidt: Just get over here.
Coach: All right, I'm coming.
Winston: [bubble-wrapped to a chair] What? Coach! Coach, I can't turn the pages! How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Kai, I want to go to your place, okay? Wherever it is. So don't be afraid, because I'm not afraid. I know I'm living this rock star life, but I'm still a man of the people.
Kai: But I'm so comfortable. You really want to go outside, get off this bed into the cold right now?
Nick: Look, I like you for you, and... Well, hell, I just hope, deep down, you like me for me and not all the incredible stuff that I have.
Kai: Huh?
Nick: I mean, this room. Half this stuff is mine. I'm, like, I have enough pillowcases for all my pillows, plus an extra pillowcase that I don't even use. Ticket stubs to all the Bears games I've ever been to, except for one. The guitar pick from that guy who played with James Taylor that one night. A Frisbee that I'm currently storing on my neighbor's roof. You know, an autographed Karate Kid II poster from Mr. Miyagi. R.I.P. But none of that matters. I want to be with you, wherever you live. I mean, hell, I've been cooped up in this palace for long enough.

Quote from Jess

Jess: But that's not the only time I've been stranded, now, is it? I'm talking about Paris.
Cece: Oh, this is about Paris!
Jess: I'm talking about Paris.
Cece: I knew it!
Jess: We had signed a lease. That's an agreement. And then you decide to take a modeling job in Paris, so I had to move in with Spencer? While you were being squired about the Louvre, I was having to pee on top of Spencer's pee to conserve water!
Coach: You know, it's called mud-sharking, by the way.
Cece: It's not my fault!

Quote from Jess

Jess: Seriously, if you guys fought like girls, you'd still be arguing over the fact that you recorded football over
your Charlie Rose episodes.
Coach: It's all good, man.
Schmidt: We're not though.
Cece: Mm-hmm, and the girl Schmidt would be like, "Oh, does Coach just think I'm a pretentious poseur who just records things to look smart because deep down, I am just terrifyingly insecure about my intelligence?"
Jess: Yeah, and girl Coach would be, like, "Does Schmidt think that I'm an uncultured meathead who has to rewatch football because I'm afraid of showing anyone my softer side?" [Cece and Jess laugh]


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode