Jess: Cece just texted me a smiley face.
Schmidt: Is that bad?
Jess: No, she just texted me the world's first good smiley face. I'm gonna text her [chuckles] a yellow heart. No, uh, yellow heart, whale, thumbs up.
Schmidt: Well, that seems nice.
Jess: [gasps] How dare she? Chinese man, ballerina, apartment building?
Schmidt: What does that mean?
Jess: Fine! Poop. Turban guy. Granny.
Schmidt: Don't text her poop.
Jess: [gasps] Explosion, monkey-see? You want to play dirty? Fine. Slice of cake. Turtle.
Schmidt: Don't sen...
Jess: Oh. [gasps] Double syringe? Double syringe. You're right, Schmidt. Maybe it's time to dig up some berries. The gatherers have become the hunters. Be well.
Schmidt: Wh-Where are you... Where are going? L-Leave those berries be.

Schmidt: Well, congratulations on having sisters, but I know women. You blindfold me, spin me around and drop me into a rainstorm, and I'll still find the G-spot.
Coach: Schmidt...
Schmidt: Let us not forget that I had boobs for the first 19 years of my life. I grew up as a fat, asexual friend-zoner. You can't buy that kind of access.

Cece: What the hell just happened?
Coach: Fight.
Schmidt: Yeah. Now it's over. I barely even remember it.
Jess: I cannot believe you guys handle things that way. I'm starting to think that neither one of you read the Madeleine Albright biography I gave you for Christmas.

Jess: Fine. I went back and I bought the purse, 'cause I love it. [groans] I love purses. And that doesn't mean I'm not a feminist, either. I'm a damn feminist who loves purses. Where else am I supposed to keep my feminist writings? In a purse, that's where.
Coach: Lena Dunham. [off Schmid'ts look] I don't know. I...

Schmidt: Coach! Coach! My Charlie Rose episodes, all 18 of them, are gone. DVR is chockablock filled with American football matches, which, by the way, is a garbage... [Coach punches Schmidt in the guts] Oh!
Coach: We cool?
Schmidt: [exhales] Yeah, we cool.
Coach: Cool.

Schmidt: Jess, it's a purse. Who cares? Just apologize.
Jess: Cece and I have been friends for 20 years. Do you know why? Because we're passive-aggressive people. We never confront anything. That's the way it works with us. It always has.
[flashback to Jess and Cece running into each other in the school hallway:]
Young Jess: Hi.
Young Cece: Hi. [Jess walks away]
[present:]
Jess: And that was one of the worst fights we've ever had. And if I bring up the purse, then everything else
comes up with it. Too many things have happened. Women have amazing memories. Because we used to be
the gatherers, and so we had to remember where all the best berries were hidden. And Cece and I, we've hidden berries all across the Great Plains.
Coach: Colorado, Kansas, Montana, Nebraska-- need I say more?
Jess: Coach gets it. See, Cece and I, we're gonna be fine, 'cause it's gonna play out the way it always does. We're not gonna talk for three days, and then I'll surprise her with a latte. And then we'll act like nothing happened.

Jess: Ugh! She's like a robot scientist. And you're like a damn robot. And usually it's cute, except when you're robbing me.
Schmidt: Jess, I'm sorry. So... What-What happens now? You bring her another coffee and you guys make up?
Jess: I don't know what happens now. We're in unchartered territory 'cause you got involved. We're entering the abyss. It's like the month I decided not to wear a bra. Those were dark times. I had no support. Literally no support.

Nick: Republican or Democrat?
Kai: West Wing.
Nick: What's your favorite thing about America?
Kai: Kentucky women.
Nick: Favorite part of The Rock?
Kai: "Welcome to the Rock."
Nick: Gorilla or monkey?
Kai: Gorilla, hands down.
Nick: Miranda or Carrie?
Kai: Gorilla.
Nick: That's 100% perfect. Un-Unbelievable.
Kai: Thank you. The battery in the remote control is getting a little jumpy. I'm gonna go grab one out of the smoke detector.
Nick: That's exactly where I get them.

Nick: Isn't she perfect?
Winston: In a word: No. Nick, you might want to sit down for this.
Nick: I'm already sitting.
Winston: Okay. Well, look, I put together a profile. Vague about where she lives. Okay. No mention of a job. Always lets you pay. Nick, my man, as unbelievable as this sounds, [chuckles] you're her sugar daddy.
Nick: What kind of girl would want me as her sugar daddy?
Winston: Only one kind: a homeless woman.
Nick: Kai is not homeless.
Winston: Nick, I have been watching her for days now, okay? She... She eats like she doesn't know where her next meal is coming from. She always dresses in layers, tons of layers.
Nick: She's not homeless. Her grandfather is Tran.
Winston: And where does he hang out?
Nick: A park bench. I think you're having a nervous breakdown. I really do. You're nuts. You want to avoid studying so much that you're making up lies about my new lover friend. Just leave us alone.
Winston: Maybe you should... maybe you should give her our can opener. Everybody gives bums cans, but they can't open them cans. How are they gonna open the cans, Nick?

Coach: [on the phone] I can help you end this. Do you know why? Do you know why? I'm waiting.
Schmidt: Oh, my God, is it because you have sisters?
Coach: It's because I have sisters! And you know what that means?
Schmidt: And that you know more about women than me.
Coach: I know more about women than you!
Schmidt: And that I'm a little dumb-dumb.
Coach: And I'm a big smart-smart. Yeah. Now, here's what you're gonna do. Get big like a bear. If that doesn't work, pee a circle around yourself and light it on fire.
Schmidt: I peed before I came. I had a root beer with lunch.
Coach: I'm on my way. Hey, uh, did you bring a gift? 'Cause I don't want to be that guy. You know, the guy that doesn't bring a gift?
Schmidt: Just get over here.
Coach: All right, I'm coming.
Winston: [bubble-wrapped to a chair] What? Coach! Coach, I can't turn the pages! How am I gonna study if I can't turn the pages?