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‘Parents’ Quotes

New Girl: Parents

208. Parents

Aired November 20, 2012

Jess's divorced parents, Joan (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Bob (Rob Reiner), come to town for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Schmidt battles his cousin, Big Schmidt (Rob Riggle), for the Schmidt name.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: You know, it doesn't take a genius. All you got to do is follow the money.
Nick: Always follow the money. That's what I always say. You always follow the money.
Bob Day: Yeah, yeah.
Nick: Oil companies.
Bob Day: Pharmaceuticals.
Bob Day: Big business, chicken corporations.
Both: Corn.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, really? Is there another guy on Twilight, that there's a bit of a love triangle with?
Bob Day: Yes. It's the same as Twilight...
Nick: Does Twilight have a wolf in it?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: It does?
Bob Day: Yes.
Nick: Is Twilight in Seattle?
Bob Day: Yes!
Nick: Well, then whoever wrote that is smart.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't know if Jess has told you this, but I am writing a novel.
Bob Day: Oh, really?
Nick: Yeah.
Bob Day: What's it about?
Nick: It's about zombies.
Bob Day: Zombies?
Nick: And it's a relationship story. It has a great love story in there that could be made into a movie, I think.
Bob Day: The love story's between... whom?
Nick: The zombie and Carol.
Bob Day: Zombie and the-the... Carol is not a zombie? She's a regular person?
Nick: No, she's a rich girl.
Bob Day: Oh, so it's like the Twilight thing where...
Nick: It's not like the Twilight... No, it isn't.
Bob Day: Where the vampire falls in love with a regular person.
Nick: You don't really... you don't get it.
Bob Day: It's the same thing.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Yeah, but know this, all right. Your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation.
Big Schmidt: Ha!
Schmidt: And cheese courses, and emotional honesty, and Paxil. And yes, cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne. You may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood, but I am Schmidt. A refined and enlightened pescetarian. About 90% of the time.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Well done, Jessica Day.
Jess: Pardon?
Cece: "My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m. and my dad's coming at 2:30."
Jess: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cece: The movie you made me watch a million times.
Jess: Rocky IV?
Cece: Parent Trap.
Jess: What? I don't...
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Why would I do that? Parent Trap... crazy.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Just explain to me again why we're doing this.
Jess: Because, when Cece's all washed up as a model, she wants to be a makeup artist. And I want to help her realize her dreams.
Cece: Yeah, it's my plan B.
Joan Day: Okay, stop. Seriously, it's just too much. The makeup and-and your dress? The only reason I wear makeup in Portland is to keep the rain off my face.

Quote from Joan Day

Cece: Joan, I just want to say that I'm really happy that, you know, we got past all that.
Joan Day: Come here, Cece. Give my little girl drugs again... I will end you.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: No, no, no, no, it was my mistake, it's my mistake. I'll wait five hours and come back when Joan's shift is up.
Joan Day: [o.s.] Bob, just stay. What if we need something ruined?
Jess: Mom!
Bob Day: It's all right, I'll spend my holiday at a Los Angeles coffee shop...
Jess: No...
Bob Day: sitting around with people who have nothing better to do on Thanksgiving than work on their screenplay. I probably won't want to blow my head off.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Seems like every time they want to move a team to Los Angeles, the team that's most likely to move here, the owner Al Davis...
Nick: Dead.
Bob Day: And then they talk to the, to the Ravens and their owner Art Modell...
Nick: dead.
Bob Day: Dead. You know what I mean? Who- Who's going to speak out for us, I mean, the voice of the NFL ... Steve Sabol? Dead.
Nick: Also dead.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Hey, Nick, what are you doing?
Nick: I don't know, Jessica. I'm a little bit confused. I think I'm into your mother.
Jess: What?!
Nick: I don't know how it happened.
Joan Day: In truth, it happens all the time, Nick.
Nick: I don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce or the sweet smells of this turkey...

Quote from Nick

Nick: Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Jess. Honey, can I come in? Or do you have your dad hiding in the closet, waiting to make out with me?
Jess: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I ruined the whole day, and it could have been really nice, but it wasn't, 'cause I tried to shove a turkey down a garbage disposal. I just... I thought... maybe you guys could make each other happy.
Joan Day: We're actually happier apart.
Jess: Maybe I just worried that... since you guys are alone that means that I have to end up alone.
Joan Day: You're not gonna be alone. Even if you were, you could always move in with me. We could get a condo in Miami. Mm. And start solving crimes together. God, you have to lighten up, Jess. It's just life.
Jess: Yeah, you know what? We could definitely Grey Gardens the crap out of a condo in Miami. Can't wait to eat cat food with you.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: Jess, I'm not done with that. That's $18 granola ... handmade.
Nick: $18 for granola?
Jess: Okay, you're gonna be eating two Thanksgiving meals today, so starve yourself.
Winston: Jess, I get it that your parents are divorced, but can't they just have one meal together?
Cece: Yeah, sure, they can if they're both gagged and blindfolded.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Okay, listen up, guys, my mom is gonna be here at 9:00 and she's staying till 2:00, and then my dad's going to be here at 2:30 and he's gonna stay till 7:30. I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad. Nick, you're gonna love my dad so much. He's so unhappy.
Nick: I'm not into dads, I'm not a dad guy. I don't like 'em, don't trust 'em, never have.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Oh, come on over, I just want to give you all a big hug. Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug. Do it, come on. Come on, we'll do a big hug ball, come on. Come on, Cece, you know how to do this.
Cece: Yep.
Joan Day: You in the white shirt.
Nick: I don't do hug balls.
Joan Day: Come on in. Hug ball jumping, hug ball jumping.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Oh, dear God. A hug ball?
Jess: Dad.
Joan Day: Well, hello, Bob.
Jess: You're early.
Bob Day: You know what I'm thankful for today? Divorce.

Quote from Bob Day

Jess: Hey, Dad, you want to help us?
Bob Day: I have to stay away from salmonella.
Joan Day: You don't have to lick it, Bob.
Bob Day: No, no, no, my doctor says...
Joan Day: It was a joke, it was just a joke.
Bob Day: I have a sense of humor. If that was a joke, here is a pencil. Draw me a map to the joke.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: I liked her.
Bob Day: You did?
Joan Day: No, no.
Bob Day: I didn't think so.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I'm not doing a parent trap.
Jess: Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. I think this could really make them happy. They need us. Here's the plan: We're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her.
Nick: Your parent trap ... there's no identical twins or mistaken identity? Not a parent trap, it's a makeover.
Jess: The only thing you have to do is distract my dad.
Nick: A parent trap takes weeks of scheduling. I feel like you're just throwing this together. This is a makeshift parent trap; They don't work. I don't know, I've got something bad inside of me. I ruin things. Let's do this parent trap.

Quote from Joan Day

Joan Day: Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you, just tell me the truth ... Did you drive my van?
Cece: Joan, I have told you this. It wasn't me.
Joan Day: Okay, I believe you. [stands up] I know it was you. Wow, I look like a slutty Katie Couric.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Hey, Mom. Mom, uh, Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress. Right, Nick?
Joan Day: Thank you.
Nick: [clears throat] I really like your de, uh... your de... de-college.

Quote from Schmidt

Big Schmidt: Say hello to my sister wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt. All right, time for delts?
Schmidt: Oh, yeah?
Big Schmidt: Yeah.
Winston: I'm slowly regretting this.
Big Schmidt: Definition is for chicks, man. All right, it's all about size. I mean, look at the mass on this bitch.
Schmidt: Stupid.
Big Schmidt: What's your calf situation like?
Schmidt: Calves? Want to see some ankle circles? Look at that. Some donkey raises? One, two...

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Jess, what are you doing?
Jess: Watching the game.
Bob Day: You're doing the parent trap thing again.
Jess: What? Dad...
Bob Day: 'Yes.
Jess: I have a master's degree. I'm not parent trapping.
Bob Day: You're such a liar.
Jess: Seriously, I'm not... Okay. Fine, you're right.
Bob Day: You need help.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Why do I do that? I don't understand. Every time, it never worked out. Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick.
Nick: [singing to Joan] Every time I try to tell you The words just come out wrong
Jess: Nick!
Nick & Joan: So I have to say "I love you" In a song.
Jess: Nick!
Joan Day: I love that.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: You just wanted me for my body.
Joan Day: Yup.
Bob Day: And I'm fine with that.

Quote from Joan Day

Cece: Jess, you got to let it go, okay?
Jess: No, I'm not letting it go!
Cece: You have to admit that...
Jess: No. What?
Cece: they're never gonna make it work.
Jess: No.
Joan Day: And you scratched my van.
Jess: Mom, she didn't mean to scratch your van.
Joan Day: I knew it. I knew it. Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Quote from Bob Day

Cece: Okay, the reason I was in your van is because your little JujuBe was high as a kite!
Joan Day: Oh. Oh, my God. Honey, are you an addict?
Bob Day: Oh, this is new information.
Jess: It was a brownie. I wasn't allowed to eat chocolate.
Bob Day: Yes. What, are you living with drug dealers?
Winston: When can we start eating?
Joan Day: Are you into pot? Is this a rehab?
Bob Day: What are you doing? Are you selling your body to pay for the rent?
Jess: I don't sell my body for rent, no!


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