Coach: As the only other black man in this loft, I feel like I should weigh in. This issue really hits home with me, and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I need to get off my chest.
Winston: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: But I'm hungry.
Winston: Man.
Coach: I skipped breakfast, and lunch is gonna be dumb as hell. [sings] Race talk snacks Race talk snacks, gotta get me Some race talk snacks Gonna be super uncomfortable!

KC: You're a cop?
Winston: Me? [laughs] A cop? No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't... No, no, no. Get that out of your head. Uh, what I do is I'm a... male stripper.
KC: A stripper?
Winston: That's why they were wearing the uniforms. Yeah, I see where you... why you would think that. No. A surprising amount of day work for a stripper. You know, we just go in there, we do our routine while they eat their lunch salads.
KC: Wow.
Winston: You just pray nobody orders soup. Lost a lot of good men to soup. [short laugh] It's hard to gauge temperature when you're just... dipping and running. You'd be surprised what you could replace a ladle with.

Nick: Fine. You know what? You want to do this? You and me are gonna get weird about race? Do your Seinfeld.
Winston: Come... Nick, that's not...
Nick: Do your Seinfeld.
Winston: What's the deal with bananas? I mean, they got orange juice, you got apple juice, where's the banana juice?
Nick: [laughs] I never thought of that.
Winston: Ah, boy.
Nick: 'Cause you got orange juice, you...

Cece: Why are we putting this on your body? Aren't you gonna be wearing a shirt?
Schmidt: Well, you know, Fawn wants me to be prepared for all scenarios. What if somebody gives birth out there and I have to swaddle the baby in my polo? [Cece chuckles] Yeah. I've never been under this kind of scrutiny before. I'm having my teeth shaved by a 25th of an inch. Fawn thinks that I have the teeth of an immigrant. She says every time she looks at me, all she can see is Fievel Mousekewitz singing "There Are No Cats in America." Those little... those little mice Jews.

Cece: So the good news is you can't see the glitter anymore.
Schmidt: Great. Well, what's the bad news?
Cece: You look like, um... can't exactly put my finger on it.
Schmidt: I look like the dead body the police pull out of a lake.
Cece: That's how you describe it; you look dead.
Schmidt: I don't want to look like a dead boy. I want to look like a living boy.
Cece: Why are you calling yourself a boy?
Schmidt: Because I'm freaking out!

Fawn Moscato: Okay, Schmidt, you ready for your feedback for the week?
Schmidt: Yes. Uh, let me just pull up my performance grid.
Fawn Moscato: First off, thanks for keeping sex quick. You were like a dog with an ice cream cone, and I loved it, but screaming "that's how Schmidty do" was not ideal.
Schmidt: Even though that's how Sch-Schmidty did?
Fawn Moscato: Well, Schmidty did, and he did it good, but mommy doesn't want to hear how Schmidty's doing.
Schmidt: Note... note taken.
Fawn Moscato: Okay. Great. Good.
Schmidt: Note taken.
Coach: I feel like I'm watching a porn set in an HR department.

Schmidt: Fawn's helping me see that I haven't reached my full potential yet.
Fawn Moscato: Well, obviously, none of you have.
Winston: No, I have. I'm a cop. And, as of yesterday, my mom no longer buys my plane tickets, so... [clicks tongue]
Fawn Moscato: You need a ten-year plan. Are you in a relationship that's headed towards marriage?
Winston: I am not currently, but I did go on a date with somebody named Charles last month. She was a woman, but she was named after her uncle.
Nick: Well, Winston has no game.
Coach: Dude took a girl to a cement plant.
Winston: To see how rocks were made.
Coach: That's not where rocks are made.
Winston: And she loved it, then she abruptly moved away.

Cece: [on the phone] Fawn is none of my business, and Schmidt seems to really like her, so whatever happens, I'm just not getting involved.
Jess: Then why are you on your way to hang out with him? What are you doing?
Cece: He said to come over. He said it was an emergency.
Jess: What if he does something sexy? That's like Gollum hanging out with the One Ring.

Schmidt: Ooh. Hey, Cece, I'm glad you're here. I need you to put bronzer all over my body. None of the guys are here, and they also refused to do it. Um, all over. I know you're giving me a look, but, really, like, all over. All the cracks, the crevices. The engine, the caboose, everything.
Cece: Oh, okay.

Nick: I can talk to you about this. I mean, we grew up together. We went to the same schools, we watched the same shows, we listened to the same records. Your mother got a mouth on the back of her neck, and bitch chew like this. [grunts, laughs] Hercules.
Winston: Was that your Eddie Murphy?
Nick: That's Eddie Murphy.
Winston: That was so bad, it wasn't even offensive.
Nick: I said "Hercules," and everyone associates that with Eddie Murphy.
Winston: Whenever you do your impressions, it makes me super uncomfortable.