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‘Par 5’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Par 5

420. Par 5

Aired April 7, 2015

Jess attends a charity golf event with Fawn Moscato to get computers for her school. Meanwhile, Winston meets a woman and lies about his job.

Quote from Coach

Coach: As the only other black man in this loft, I feel like I should weigh in. This issue really hits home with me, and I feel like I have a lot of thoughts and ideas that I need to get off my chest.
Winston: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: But I'm hungry.
Winston: Man.
Coach: I skipped breakfast, and lunch is gonna be dumb as hell. [sings] Race talk snacks Race talk snacks,
gotta get me Some race talk snacks Gonna be super uncomfortable!

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Quote from Schmidt

Cece: Why are we putting this on your body? Aren't you gonna be wearing a shirt?
Schmidt: Well, you know, Fawn wants me to be prepared for all scenarios. What if somebody gives birth out there and I have to swaddle the baby in my polo? [Cece chuckles] Yeah. I've never been under this kind of scrutiny before. I'm having my teeth shaved by a 25th of an inch. Fawn thinks that I have the teeth of an immigrant. She says every time she looks at me, all she can see is Fievel Mousekewitz singing "There Are No Cats in America." Those little... those little mice Jews.

Quote from Winston

KC: You're a cop?
Winston: Me? [laughs] A cop? No! No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't... No, no, no. Get that out of your head. Uh, what I do is I'm a... male stripper.
KC: A stripper?
Winston: That's why they were wearing the uniforms. Yeah, I see where you... why you would think that. No. A surprising amount of day work for a stripper. You know, we just go in there, we do our routine while they eat their lunch salads.
KC: Wow.
Winston: You just pray nobody orders soup. Lost a lot of good men to soup. [short laugh] It's hard to gauge temperature when you're just... dipping and running. You'd be surprised what you could replace a ladle with.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Fine. You know what? You want to do this? You and me are gonna get weird about race? Do your Seinfeld.
Winston: Come... Nick, that's not...
Nick: Do your Seinfeld.
Winston: What's the deal with bananas? I mean, they got orange juice, you got apple juice, where's the banana juice?
Nick: [laughs] I never thought of that.
Winston: Ah, boy.
Nick: 'Cause you got orange juice, you...

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: So the good news is you can't see the glitter anymore.
Schmidt: Great. Well, what's the bad news?
Cece: You look like, um... can't exactly put my finger on it.
Schmidt: I look like the dead body the police pull out of a lake.
Cece: That's how you describe it; you look dead.
Schmidt: I don't want to look like a dead boy. I want to look like a living boy.
Cece: Why are you calling yourself a boy?
Schmidt: Because I'm freaking out!

Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: Okay, Schmidt, you ready for your feedback for the week?
Schmidt: Yes. Uh, let me just pull up my performance grid.
Fawn Moscato: First off, thanks for keeping sex quick. You were like a dog with an ice cream cone, and I loved it, but screaming "that's how Schmidty do" was not ideal.
Schmidt: Even though that's how Sch-Schmidty did?
Fawn Moscato: Well, Schmidty did, and he did it good, but mommy doesn't want to hear how Schmidty's doing.
Schmidt: Note... note taken.
Fawn Moscato: Okay. Great. Good.
Schmidt: Note taken.
Coach: I feel like I'm watching a porn set in an HR department.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Fawn's helping me see that I haven't reached my full potential yet.
Fawn Moscato: Well, obviously, none of you have.
Winston: No, I have. I'm a cop. And, as of yesterday, my mom no longer buys my plane tickets, so... [clicks tongue]
Fawn Moscato: You need a ten-year plan. Are you in a relationship that's headed towards marriage?
Winston: I am not currently, but I did go on a date with somebody named Charles last month. She was a woman, but she was named after her uncle.
Nick: Well, Winston has no game.
Coach: Dude took a girl to a cement plant.
Winston: To see how rocks were made.
Coach: That's not where rocks are made.
Winston: And she loved it, then she abruptly moved away.

Quote from Jess

Cece: [on the phone] Fawn is none of my business, and Schmidt seems to really like her, so whatever happens, I'm just not getting involved.
Jess: Then why are you on your way to hang out with him? What are you doing?
Cece: He said to come over. He said it was an emergency.
Jess: What if he does something sexy? That's like Gollum hanging out with the One Ring.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Ooh. Hey, Cece, I'm glad you're here. I need you to put bronzer all over my body. None of the guys are here, and they also refused to do it. Um, all over. I know you're giving me a look, but, really, like, all over. All the cracks, the crevices. The engine, the caboose, everything.
Cece: Oh, okay.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I can talk to you about this. I mean, we grew up together. We went to the same schools, we watched the same shows, we listened to the same records. Your mother got a mouth on the back of her neck, and bitch chew like this. [grunts, laughs] Hercules.
Winston: Was that your Eddie Murphy?
Nick: That's Eddie Murphy.
Winston: That was so bad, it wasn't even offensive.
Nick: I said "Hercules," and everyone associates that with Eddie Murphy.
Winston: Whenever you do your impressions, it makes me super uncomfortable.

Quote from Coach

Winston: I love you, but you're white, I'm black. I understand where she's coming from. When I was a kid, we used to run from the police. Even if we did nothing wrong, it was just out of habit.
Nick: Why haven't you ever told me?
Coach: 'Cause you'll never get it.
Nick: How long have you been standing there?
Coach: Uh, right around, "Your mama got a mouth on the back of her neck, and the bitch chew like this."
Winston: Now, that's Eddie!
Nick: I don't see the difference.
Coach: [laughs] Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!
Winston: He's doing the laugh!
Nick: That's what I was doing. [imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh]
Winston: Stop, Nick.
Nick: I honestly don't see the difference.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: You know, Fawn is teaching me how to be the most effective and successful man and lover I possibly can be.
Cece: Really? I thought you were fine before.
Schmidt: When you two were together? Which time? The... the first time or the third time? Because... 'cause you two were very off-and-on. In a... in a very confusing way.
Cece: [laughs] I've had sex with him so many times.
Fawn Moscato: We have a fun thing together, don't we?
Cece: Super fun, yeah. I really enjoy it.
Fawn Moscato: What is her... what is it, Cecil? What is your name?
Cece: You'll learn it. Don't worry.

Quote from Coach

Jess: [groans] Work sucked, my friends.
Coach: [nasally voice] Hear ye, hear ye.
Winston: Milady.
Jess: I dub you Sir Winston of the Roll of Egg.
Coach: [nasally] Ah, yes. Yes.
Nick: Who are you in this story?
Coach: I'm the jester.
Fawn Moscato: [to Schmidt] I'm not gonna eat here anymore.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You'd think that the school board would want to give kids computers, but no, they just want to get reelected so they can keep dressing like Realtors from the 1980s.
Fawn Moscato: Solid municipal burn, Jessica.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Martha Yowtz?
Fawn Moscato: Yeah.
Jess: The lioness of Los Angeles education?
Fawn Moscato: Yes.
Jess: The straw that stirs the school board's drink?
Fawn Moscato: That's right.
Jess: That is a woman I'd like to get to know. Is there any way I could come with you to this event?
Fawn Moscato: Ah, you know, it's really a networking thing.
Jess: Well, that's perfect, 'cause I'd love to network her.
Schmidt: With her. It's "with..." You network with her.
Fawn Moscato: Yeah, it's "network with her," and you don't really strike me as the "networking" type. You're more of a "follow a butterfly around for a day" kind of gal.
Jess: Oh, sister, I'm a middle-school vice principal. You think I got this job without knowing how to network?
Fawn Moscato: Most likely. Yes.
Jess: I got an office with a door, bub. Pencil me in. I'll yak with Yowtz.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Do you still need me for the photo op?
Fawn Moscato: I will need you there, actually. I'm trying to become more accessible on social media. Speaking of which, is there some way you can make your skin look less white in photos? People are saying that you're haunting me.
Schmidt: I can do that. Absolutely. 100%. Let me just make a note.
Fawn Moscato: Wonderful.

Quote from Jess

Fawn Moscato: And, Jess, the event tomorrow is at a golf course. Do you golf?
Jess: Does a bear eat with his hands? [chuckles]
Fawn Moscato: I don't know. [long pause]
Jess: I'll be there.
Fawn Moscato: Great.

Quote from Nick

Nick: So I say to her, "Water? I barely even know you."
Winston: Stop talking to me like we're in the middle of a conversation. We just sat down.
Nick: All right.
Winston: I hate when you do that.
Nick: Okay.

Quote from Winston

Nick: Winston.
Winston: That is a beautiful girl right there. Wow.
Coach: Just say something to her.
Nick: Yeah, just say something to her.
Winston: Shawty, what that thang do?
Coach: No.
Nick: What was that?
Winston: Dude, I think it's a nervous tic that stems from my lack of self-confidence.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Hello. I'm Winston Bishop.
KC: Winston Bishop. KC.
Winston: KC! Just be like, "Yo, KC, where JoJo at?" [laughs] In rehab, probably. He's... he was on drugs.
KC: Yeah.
Winston: Sorry. Um... I don't know what to say right now. Uh, kind of blowing this, huh? Uh... Um, I think you're very beautiful, KC, and I would like to see you again soon... like, later today for lunch?
KC: I'd love to.
Winston: Really?
KC: Here. I'm gonna put in my number... or come with me to this thing in the park I'm going to now and we can grab something after.
Winston: You know, I saw Nick Nolte in the park once. And I was like, "Yo, Nick Nolte, what you doing in the park?" And he was just like, "I'm just hanging out." Yeah, so I thought that was notable.
KC: I'm going to a rally to protest the police. Do you want to come?
Winston: Or we could just do lunch. Let's do lunch.
KC: Okay.
Winston: Yeah. Nice to... nice to meet you, KC.
[Winston walks away facing KC as he remembers his t-shirt has LAPD written on the back]

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