Nick: Uh, Schmidt, I got you something, man. Uh, they didn't have a Jewish star at the store, so I got you a regular cookie and I made the star myself by breaking off the pieces. It's meant to celebrate your Jewish heritage.
Schmidt: What is this?
Nick: A Jewish star... I just said that.
Winston: Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
Schmidt: This... Is so terrible!
Nick: You gave me a cookie, I gave you a cookie. You gave me a cookie, gave you cookie. Gave me cookie, got you cookie! You gave me cookie, I got you cookie, man! Gave me cookie, got you cookie! We're even! We're even, Schmidt! I mean, what do you want from me? What do you want, Schmidt? I've been racking my brain all day. I walked around the grocery store, man, for 45 minutes. I didn't know what to get you. And then I was thinking I was gonna get you ramen like we used to eat, but you probably eat, like, fancy ramen now with, like, figs in it. I don't know, man. You love me too much, Schmidt, and you picked the wrong guy. And when are you gonna get that through that giant head of yours? I'm just gonna let you down, man.

Jess: [sings] Happy birthday, dude!
Cece: Hello.
Jess: I made you a cake.
Cece: Can't. Booked a car show for tomorrow, and I have been so good this week. I lost four pounds.
Jess: Oh, come on, Cece. It's your birthday. We're gonna eat cake, we're gonna watch Clueless on VHS, and we're gonna try to make prom dresses out of towels. Obviously, just like we always do.
[flashback:]
Young Jess: As if! As if is, like, the funniest thing ever.
Young Cece: I wish I had a stepbrother to fall in love with.
Young Jess: I know, right? Paul Rudd.

Cece: You and I have never spent my birthday apart, ever. Except for the one time in seventh grade where you walked out of my sleepover because you claimed...
Jess: When you struck me in the breast.
Cece: But I didn't even touch boob, because you know, we all knew you were stuffing...
Jess: Oh, my God. We were all stuffing. Stuffing? We all stuffed.
Cece: You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.
Jess: Yes, we were. It was seventh grade.
Cece: I've been like this since I was seven.

Jess: I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."
Schmidt: You have too much joie de vivre. Okay, you want to look a little bit more bored, tired. Just altogether disengaged.
Winston: More tired... more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.

Jess: Can't believe I have to deal with the models just to hang out with Cece. Last time we hung out, it was awful. I figure the best way to talk to models is just point to objects and describe them.
[flashback:]
Jess: The table is round.
Model: It's also flat.
Jess: Yes, the table is round, and it's flat. Oh, look, a lamp. [model laughs]
[present:]
Jess: I love Cece, and these are Cece's friends, so I should be able to get along with them. I should be able to deal with the fact that they think I look like a monkey... from a Russian cracker ad.

Schmidt: And I know how much you love cookies. And I saw it there behind the glass, and I thought, "Nick Miller... I'm gonna buy him that."
Nick: If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie-shape, and shove it down your throat!
Schmidt: You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: No, that's not...
Schmidt: You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: No.
Schmidt: You're not mama-birding anybody any cookie.
Nick: Schmidt, I don't want to mama-bird you a cookie. What is your problem, Schmidt?
Schmidt: No mama-birding here!

Nick: It's official. We got to turtle-proof this loft.
Winston: Schmidt cares about you so much, man, and you don't even think about him.
Nick: Are you being serious right now? Are you really taking Schmidt's side on this?
Winston: I am, because I know how you are.
[flashback:]
Young Winston: I just don't know why he would run away. All I ever did was love him.
Young Nick: This rock is so round. I'm gonna go put it in a jar.

Nick: You think Schmidt is in the right, and I am in the wrong here?
Winston: You realize I say good night to you every night, and you never say good night back?
Nick: No.
Winston: What is the problem, Nick? Do you not want me to have a good night?
Nick: I can't just go around saying good night to everyone, and buying people cookies. I am not a titan of finance, sir.
Winston: Do you know, once a week he goes into your room and cleans it, and then returns everything the way he found it?
Nick: And I'm weird in this situation?
Winston: The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes.
Nick: I didn't ask for that... I like living in my filthy messes.
Winston: That's the point, man. You didn't have to ask.

Winston: Schmidt's not talking to you right now.
Nick: We're still on this?
Winston: Schmidt is tired of doing things for you that go unnoticed. Things like: lining your shoes up at the door...
Nick: Don't line my shoes up at the door any more.
Winston: Recording your favorite TV shows...
Nick: I appreciate that.
Winston: The turn-down service.
Nick: The turn-down service is weird and I never asked you to do that.
Schmidt: Well, I guess those chocolate mints Just disappeared on their own.

Jess: Rough night, you guys. I forgot to take out my contacts. I think they're fused to my eyeballs. What's going on? Did you guys watch porn together again? Why do you keep doing that? It's always awkward.