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‘Pepperwood’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Pepperwood

214. Pepperwood

Aired January 22, 2013

Nick is concerned that a student in Jess's creative writing class might be dangerous. Meanwhile, Winston and Schmidt learn what the others say about them when they're not in the room.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best teacher of adults?
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: I wonder if there's room for one more?
Jess: No!
Nick: How you guys doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood.
Jess: Not now, okay?
Nick: I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine. I'm here to learn how to write short fiction.
Jess: Oh, okay, Julius, just... take a seat and, um, keep small.
Nick: I'm from Chicago. Thin-crust pizza? No, thank you. I'm from Chicago.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: A pogo is what your friends talk about when you leave the room.
Cece: Oh, like your barnacle toenails?
Winston: Uh... sh...
Schmidt: You guys talk about my toenails?
Winston: Never... talk about your toenails, Sch... Schmidt.
Schmidt: I know my toenails are a little rugged. Woodsy.
Winston: I mean, I have never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree.
Schmidt: But it's because I have a keratin surplus, I mean... They're not that bad, look at these things.
Winston: Aah! Schmidt!
Cece: Ew!
Winston: It looks like an open Swiss Army knife.
Schmidt: Most of them are hard, but one of them is really, really soft.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: I know, I know, I know ... we'll just talk about what my pogo is. What's my pogo? Is it the way I say "pan"? Pan, pan, pan.
Schmidt: Look, Cece, this is more of just a loft thing. Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have calcified mongrel toes!
Winston: Things sound like a dang ol' crab.

Quote from Nick

Nick: There it is. If anything's gonna go down, we need a safe word.
Jess: Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it go down.
Nick: If Pepperwood taught me anything ...
Jess: There's no Pepperwood.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my God, what happened to your eyebrows? You look like Audrey Hepburn.
Winston: Don't we own an industrial-size paper cutter?
Jess: Ugh!
Schmidt: Oh, whatever.
Nick: What the hell is that?
Jess: So close to the eating area!
Schmidt: Winston told me that you guys make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them "clickety-clacks" or "centaur boots."

Quote from Nick

Jess: I just can't connect with them and I don't know why.
Nick: Look, Jess, you can't teach people how to write.
Jess: Not true.
Nick: I say that as a writer.
Jess: Also not true.
Nick: A writing class is for somebody who doesn't think lyrically in terms of, like, poetic words that just... are strung...

Quote from Jess

Jess: Nick, you've gone way too far! Way too far.
Nick: Well, if you're here for Edgar's notebook, you're too late.
Jess: Where's the notebook? Nick! What's my one rule?
Nick: It's to not steal your yarn.
Jess: Don't steal my yarn, man. It's my one thing.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."
Jess: That's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."
Nick: What?
Jess: I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.
Nick: Why do you use "apricot" so much?
Jess: What am I supposed to call them ... "sweet tangy balls"?
Nick: Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick.
Nick: Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.
Jess: You look ridiculous. If we're hiding from people, why does it matter what I call you?
Nick: I got my eyes and you get my six.
Jess: No, no, what does this mean?
Nick: I'm pretty sure this...
Jess: This means "right turn bicycle."
Nick: No, I'm pretty sure this means "stop..."
Jess: It means "right turn." Nick, seriously ... use your words. Don't use freaking SWAT sign language.
Nick: Apricot, apricot, apricot. Close your mouth, close your eyes.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Tell me my pogo.
Nick: Jessica, no.
Jess: Tell me my pogo!
Nick: You're a know-it-all!
Winston: Huge know-it-all.
Schmidt: The worst.
Jess: Oh, I'm the worst know-it-all in the world? Please. Hate hyperbolic speak. Please.

Quote from Cece

Cece: [high voice] But what if I talk like a baby?
Schmidt: You're still hot. That's all we're gonna talk about.
Cece: A tiny little baby!

Quote from Jess

Edgar: Burglar?! He's not a burglar. He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago. Let's get him in the house.
Nick: [mumbling] The D.A.'s gonna have my badge for this.
Jess: No! Get off of him! You kill him, you kill me, too!
Old Woman: Get away from my Edgar! [sprays mace]
Jess: My eyes! Oh! My giant eyes!

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Oh, Cece. Are you two kids back together?
Schmidt: She wishes.
Cece: No, plumbing's out ... severe clogging.
Nick: I'm sorry I asked.
Schmidt: This is what happens. Four models with protein deficiencies, sharing a shower. They shed like a... like a four-dollar Christmas sweater.

Quote from Nick

Cece: You said you had a breakthrough.
Jess: So I have this student whose name is Edgar and he was not getting it. And then today he turned in this amazing story. Nick, actually, you should read this.
Nick: Writers don't read ... we write.
Jess: Jessica Day calls it "A must read."
Nick: Look at that font. What is this amateur hour? At least use Palatino.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: This man is psychotic.
Jess: It's fiction. There's no such thing as a gimp costume.
Nick: No, gimp costume's a real thing.
Schmidt: That's a real thing. You've seen me in one before.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I just don't think you should be in a room with this creep, twice a week. It is not safe.
Jess: Are you worried about me, Miller?
Nick: Yeah, I'm a little worried about you. And if you won't do anything about it, then I'm taking into my own hands. I'm doing a little investigation.
Jess: Investigating? Please. You're just gonna Google his name.
Nick: I am way beyond that.
Schmidt: You're typing his name into Google. We can all see the screen.
Winston: See the screen, dude.
Nick: This is a private investigation!

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the... regrettable contact between Cece's... her-her down there and my, uh... my parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish-kebabbed her.
Winston: Is this something I should apologize for?
Schmidt: Just let it go, man. You pogo'd her.
Winston: I'm sorry, what did you say, "pogo"?
Schmidt: I didn't, um...
Winston: I heard "Pogo". What is that?
Schmidt: Look, Winston, fine. It's what we call what you did this morning, okay? It's a short... it's a shorthand.
Winston: Why do you have a shorthand, Schmidt, because it happens so often?
Schmidt: You pogo'd me once. You pogo'd Jess twice.
Winston: Hey, it's not sexual.
Schmidt: Nick's never been pogo'd directly. You did get his pizza one time... which, by the way, is a whole nother debate ... how did you not feel that?
Winston: Let me get this straight ... you guys sit around and talk about this?
Schmidt: Your penis actually changed the channel, uh, when we were watching the Bears game once.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home. I know what my pogo is. It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake. [dances]
Winston: Yeah, not even close, Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talk... I know this it, man.
[later:]
Schmidt: Is it that I barge into people's showers? [Nick throws a bar of soap at Winston]
[later:]
Schmidt: It's my caterpillar eyebrows ... well, look. [Winston screams] They're gone.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: It's my mole, isn't it? Well, consider it gone. Game, set, pogo.
Winston: Chill out, man, it's not your mole.
Schmidt: Just tell me, this is the worst.
Winston: This is not the worst, Schmidt ... the worst is actually knowing. Knowing that your friends sit around every single night talking about your pogo.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: What is wrong with you, Winston?
Winston: What is wrong with me? Besides my pogo.
Schmidt: I told him. It just kind of popped out. You understand what that's like, right, Winston?
Winston: Okay, you know what? Don't act like we don't talk about you two behind your backs. Because we do. You both have pogos, my friends.
Nick: Okay, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves if this conversation is worth ruining our friendships over.
Jess: Tell me my pogo.
Cece: I need to know my pogo. You guys need to tell me. I can take it. Lay it on me!
Jess: You know, it's kind of a loft thing. Is it my pies? Are they too tart?
Schmidt: Pies can't be a pogo, okay? My koala claws, now that's a pogo!
Winston: At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
Schmidt: They make shoes for your penis ... they're called pants!

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