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‘Pepperwood’ Quotes

New Girl: Pepperwood

214. Pepperwood

Aired January 22, 2013

Nick is concerned that a student in Jess's creative writing class might be dangerous. Meanwhile, Winston and Schmidt learn what the others say about them when they're not in the room.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Don't mean to interrupt, I just hear you're the best teacher of adults?
Jess: Oh, no.
Nick: I wonder if there's room for one more?
Jess: No!
Nick: How you guys doing? I'm Julius Pepperwood.
Jess: Not now, okay?
Nick: I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine. I'm here to learn how to write short fiction.
Jess: Oh, okay, Julius, just... take a seat and, um, keep small.
Nick: I'm from Chicago. Thin-crust pizza? No, thank you. I'm from Chicago.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: A pogo is what your friends talk about when you leave the room.
Cece: Oh, like your barnacle toenails?
Winston: Uh... sh...
Schmidt: You guys talk about my toenails?
Winston: Never... talk about your toenails, Sch... Schmidt.
Schmidt: I know my toenails are a little rugged. Woodsy.
Winston: I mean, I have never wondered if you could shimmy up a palm tree.
Schmidt: But it's because I have a keratin surplus, I mean... They're not that bad, look at these things.
Winston: Aah! Schmidt!
Cece: Ew!
Winston: It looks like an open Swiss Army knife.
Schmidt: Most of them are hard, but one of them is really, really soft.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: I know, I know, I know ... we'll just talk about what my pogo is. What's my pogo? Is it the way I say "pan"? Pan, pan, pan.
Schmidt: Look, Cece, this is more of just a loft thing. Just thank your lucky stars that you don't have calcified mongrel toes!
Winston: Things sound like a dang ol' crab.

Quote from Nick

Nick: There it is. If anything's gonna go down, we need a safe word.
Jess: Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it go down.
Nick: If Pepperwood taught me anything ...
Jess: There's no Pepperwood.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, my God, what happened to your eyebrows? You look like Audrey Hepburn.
Winston: Don't we own an industrial-size paper cutter?
Jess: Ugh!
Schmidt: Oh, whatever.
Nick: What the hell is that?
Jess: So close to the eating area!
Schmidt: Winston told me that you guys make fun of my gremlin toenails. That you call them "clickety-clacks" or "centaur boots."

Quote from Nick

Jess: I just can't connect with them and I don't know why.
Nick: Look, Jess, you can't teach people how to write.
Jess: Not true.
Nick: I say that as a writer.
Jess: Also not true.
Nick: A writing class is for somebody who doesn't think lyrically in terms of, like, poetic words that just... are strung...

Quote from Jess

Jess: Nick, you've gone way too far! Way too far.
Nick: Well, if you're here for Edgar's notebook, you're too late.
Jess: Where's the notebook? Nick! What's my one rule?
Nick: It's to not steal your yarn.
Jess: Don't steal my yarn, man. It's my one thing.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with "apricot."
Jess: That's way too normal. We need to, like, go with something weird, like "dragon slippers."
Nick: What?
Jess: I use "apricot" too much in my normal life.
Nick: Why do you use "apricot" so much?
Jess: What am I supposed to call them ... "sweet tangy balls"?
Nick: Don't call them "sweet tangy balls," Jessica.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Nick.
Nick: Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.
Jess: You look ridiculous. If we're hiding from people, why does it matter what I call you?
Nick: I got my eyes and you get my six.
Jess: No, no, what does this mean?
Nick: I'm pretty sure this...
Jess: This means "right turn bicycle."
Nick: No, I'm pretty sure this means "stop..."
Jess: It means "right turn." Nick, seriously ... use your words. Don't use freaking SWAT sign language.
Nick: Apricot, apricot, apricot. Close your mouth, close your eyes.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Tell me my pogo.
Nick: Jessica, no.
Jess: Tell me my pogo!
Nick: You're a know-it-all!
Winston: Huge know-it-all.
Schmidt: The worst.
Jess: Oh, I'm the worst know-it-all in the world? Please. Hate hyperbolic speak. Please.

Quote from Cece

Cece: [high voice] But what if I talk like a baby?
Schmidt: You're still hot. That's all we're gonna talk about.
Cece: A tiny little baby!

Quote from Jess

Edgar: Burglar?! He's not a burglar. He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago. Let's get him in the house.
Nick: [mumbling] The D.A.'s gonna have my badge for this.
Jess: No! Get off of him! You kill him, you kill me, too!
Old Woman: Get away from my Edgar! [sprays mace]
Jess: My eyes! Oh! My giant eyes!

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Oh, Cece. Are you two kids back together?
Schmidt: She wishes.
Cece: No, plumbing's out ... severe clogging.
Nick: I'm sorry I asked.
Schmidt: This is what happens. Four models with protein deficiencies, sharing a shower. They shed like a... like a four-dollar Christmas sweater.

Quote from Nick

Cece: You said you had a breakthrough.
Jess: So I have this student whose name is Edgar and he was not getting it. And then today he turned in this amazing story. Nick, actually, you should read this.
Nick: Writers don't read ... we write.
Jess: Jessica Day calls it "A must read."
Nick: Look at that font. What is this amateur hour? At least use Palatino.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: This man is psychotic.
Jess: It's fiction. There's no such thing as a gimp costume.
Nick: No, gimp costume's a real thing.
Schmidt: That's a real thing. You've seen me in one before.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I just don't think you should be in a room with this creep, twice a week. It is not safe.
Jess: Are you worried about me, Miller?
Nick: Yeah, I'm a little worried about you. And if you won't do anything about it, then I'm taking into my own hands. I'm doing a little investigation.
Jess: Investigating? Please. You're just gonna Google his name.
Nick: I am way beyond that.
Schmidt: You're typing his name into Google. We can all see the screen.
Winston: See the screen, dude.
Nick: This is a private investigation!

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: I wanted to talk to you about the... regrettable contact between Cece's... her-her down there and my, uh... my parts.
Schmidt: You practically shish-kebabbed her.
Winston: Is this something I should apologize for?
Schmidt: Just let it go, man. You pogo'd her.
Winston: I'm sorry, what did you say, "pogo"?
Schmidt: I didn't, um...
Winston: I heard "Pogo". What is that?
Schmidt: Look, Winston, fine. It's what we call what you did this morning, okay? It's a short... it's a shorthand.
Winston: Why do you have a shorthand, Schmidt, because it happens so often?
Schmidt: You pogo'd me once. You pogo'd Jess twice.
Winston: Hey, it's not sexual.
Schmidt: Nick's never been pogo'd directly. You did get his pizza one time... which, by the way, is a whole nother debate ... how did you not feel that?
Winston: Let me get this straight ... you guys sit around and talk about this?
Schmidt: Your penis actually changed the channel, uh, when we were watching the Bears game once.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home. I know what my pogo is. It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake. [dances]
Winston: Yeah, not even close, Schmidt.
Schmidt: What are you talk... I know this it, man.
[later:]
Schmidt: Is it that I barge into people's showers? [Nick throws a bar of soap at Winston]
[later:]
Schmidt: It's my caterpillar eyebrows ... well, look. [Winston screams] They're gone.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: It's my mole, isn't it? Well, consider it gone. Game, set, pogo.
Winston: Chill out, man, it's not your mole.
Schmidt: Just tell me, this is the worst.
Winston: This is not the worst, Schmidt ... the worst is actually knowing. Knowing that your friends sit around every single night talking about your pogo.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: What is wrong with you, Winston?
Winston: What is wrong with me? Besides my pogo.
Schmidt: I told him. It just kind of popped out. You understand what that's like, right, Winston?
Winston: Okay, you know what? Don't act like we don't talk about you two behind your backs. Because we do. You both have pogos, my friends.
Nick: Okay, let's take a deep breath and ask ourselves if this conversation is worth ruining our friendships over.
Jess: Tell me my pogo.
Cece: I need to know my pogo. You guys need to tell me. I can take it. Lay it on me!
Jess: You know, it's kind of a loft thing. Is it my pies? Are they too tart?
Schmidt: Pies can't be a pogo, okay? My koala claws, now that's a pogo!
Winston: At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
Schmidt: They make shoes for your penis ... they're called pants!

Quote from Cece

Cece: Now you know your pogo, you truly know it all. There I go being a smart-ass again. I mean, that, that could be my pogo.

Quote from Nick

Jess: And then there was one.
Nick: Oh, no, no, no, I'm sure that you guys have stuff you laugh at me behind my back.
Schmidt: We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.
Winston: Yeah. We're worried about you.
Nick: You're worried about me?
Schmidt: We're worried that you're not gonna make it.
Nick: Make it to what?
Jess: Just in general. 'Cause you don't take care of yourself.
Schmidt: Sometimes I'll crumple up vitamins and I'll put them in your food.
Jess: We all take turns sneaking money into your pants pockets before we put them in the dryer.
Nick: Yeah? Well, I hope you're happy. The pogos are out. The loft dynamic is ruined.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [on the phone] I'm at school and I'm doing office hours...
Nick: Get out now!
Jess: Okay, I'll just, I'll just keep you on the line, and then I'll say the safe word, okay? I'll just say it like... Apricots! Apricots!
Nick: Good. Yeah, yeah, that's what you say if you see Edgar.
Jess: Apricots! Really, apricots!
Nick: Oh, no. Okay, okay, stop it. He's there. Okay. I thought it was gonna be "dragon slippers."
Edgar: Is this a bad time or...?
Jess: No, no, no, no. I just have a deaf grocer. Apricots! Apricots! And butter.

Quote from Jess

Edgar: You thought I was a murderer? You thought I was a murderer of people?
Jess: You said you were gonna kill me, so I don't know.
Edgar: Your character... in my graphic novel.
Old Woman: He's an excellent artist.
Nick: Okay, but your drawings, they don't have any eyes.
Edgar: Hate drawing eyes. It's weird.
Old Woman: He can't draw eyes.
Nick: There's a reason for everything.
Jess: What about the duffel bag?
Edgar & Old Woman: Don't ask about the duffel bag!
Old Woman: Bitch.

Quote from Jess

Jess: What are you doing up?
Nick: Just taking care of myself.
Jess: Are you putting butter on bacon?
Nick: I don't want it to stick to the pan.
Jess: Okay, did you...? Great. It's just what bacon needs, more fat. And salt.

Quote from Nick

Jess: "Julius Pepperwood: Zombie Detective"?
Nick: All his murder victims are already dead, so they obviously don't need a detective. I'm working on it.
Jess: "The night was inky hot."
Nick: Don't do this.
Jess: "She strode into his office with a sense of purpose, place, another word here, question mark."
Nick: I'm looking for another "P" word there.
Jess: "She had zombie legs that went on for miles. They were the kind of legs you could sink your teeth into. Pepperwood had two friends ... one, if you count his hat. The other was his gal Friday, Jessica Night."
Nick: It's not you, Jess.
Jess: "She was small in stature, but not in spunk. And a super annoying know-it-all."

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, bacon.
Nick: Where the hell did you come from?
Schmidt: I came from my room.
Nick: No, I didn't hear the pitter-patter of your disgusting feet.
Schmidt: I cut my toenails. Yeah, the soaking really worked. Look at that. They're gorgeous now. Went down a full shoe size.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You can't put out a grease fire with water! You have to smother it!
Nick: Why didn't you say that before?!
Jess: I don't want to be a know-it-all!

Quote from Winston

Nick: Amazing, my man! Whoa. Whoa.
Winston: Honestly, I didn't know you were gonna put your arm around me. I'm so sorry.
Jess: Oh, you put up your pup tent in front of the fire.
Winston: It's involuntary. It is a combination of adrenaline and great circulation. And I'd appreciate it if you don't just hug me randomly! That's weird and...!


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