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‘Christmas Eve Eve’ Quotes

New Girl: Christmas Eve Eve

610. Christmas Eve Eve

Aired December 13, 2016

After begging Jess to tone down this year's celebrations, the gang agree to a round of Secret Santa.

Quote from Reagan

Jess: [on the phone] So I fly you down. You are my gift to Nick. What do you say?
Reagan: I don't know, Jess. I mean, I have a really big pitch tomorrow. It's a treatment for... I mean, the polite term is "gravelly bowel syndrome."

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Quote from Winston

Winston: Damn it, man. False alarm. I thought that was the mailman with my Secret Santa gift.
Schmidt: Yes, I know, Winston. You've run in here at least six times. You know, now you can just track the package.
Winston: I can?
Schmidt: Yes.
Winston: Let's see. KXHD136.
Schmidt: You memorized the package tracking number, but you didn't know that you could use that number to track the package?
Winston: What?! 9:18 A.M. refused delivery? Did you refuse a package to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo?
Schmidt: Listen to what you just asked. Of course I did.
Winston: Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it, Schmidt! I am Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo! It is my secret Santa alias.
Schmidt: Oh.
Winston: Yeah. Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!

Quote from Winston

Winston: You didn't sign for it!
Schmidt: How was I supposed to sign for Garage-A-Roo's package? You and your dang old aliases. You have a new alias every day, Winston.
Winston: Yes, but you should know it's me!
Schmidt: Garage-A-Roo, Kenneth.
Winston: But it was me clearly! Kenneth, Kenneth. Rick Smits, Big Poppy Jones.
Schmidt: These are the dumbest names I've ever heard!
Winston: Pontius Pilate.
Schmidt: AKA idiot. Maybe that truck is still in the neighborhood. Let's go out and try and get it.
Winston: Wait! This just became a Schmidt and a Jay Garage-A-Roo mess-around.
Schmidt: Freakin' Jay Garage-A-Roo.

Quote from Schmidt

Deb: Get off my truck.
Winston: Please, it is Christmas Eve... Eve.
Deb: That's right. That's my night. So go home, and wait for your package.
Winston: All right, fine. [chuckles] Okay, whatever.
Schmidt: You know what, Deb, that's where you're wrong. There was a time when we didn't need people like you. There was a time where a man could go into a place, buy a thing and leave with that thing. And you weren't involved at all.
Winston: You lost me, Schmidt. What are you talking about?
Schmidt: Stores, Winston!
Winston: Oh, stores! I remember those.
Deb: Stores? What are you gonna do? Pay sales tax? Park? [laughing]
Schmidt: [knocks over parcels] Stores! Brick and mortar, baby!

Quote from Robby

Jess: Why isn't Nick gone? It's been four hours. Reagan's on a plane, Secret Santa's in an hour, I'm freaking out...
Robby: Well, you can call me Ice Cube. Because I'm done wrapping.
Jess: That is how you won me over.

Quote from Robby

Jess: What is Darlene Love doing here?
Robby: Uh, we used to do hot yoga together.
Jess: Oh.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Well, Jess, Christmas is just so stressful... with the lists and the lines and-and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room.
Schmidt: TV Town Song Room? Do you mean Radio City Music Hall?
Nick: Yeah.
Schmidt: How could you get so many things wrong in a row?
Nick: At Radio City Music's Hall.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Three, two, one. Midnight, November 1. Merry Christmas season.

Quote from Nick

Jess: Little reminder... uh, tonight is for Secret Santa gifts only. So, married people, please exchange your gifts at another time.
Cece: Oh, don't worry. Schmidt and I aren't getting each other gifts this year.
Schmidt: Uh-uh.
Nick: Is that 'cause of the Jew thing?
Schmidt: Jew thing? That's just a phrase that falls out of your mouth these days.
[flashback to Nick eating a schmeared bagel:]
Nick: Oh, sorry. I-I took the last Jew thing.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Wait, wait, no. Cece, I need your help. I need your help. We have to get Nick home for Secret Santa.
Cece: Ooh, you have him.
Jess: Yes, I got Nick. I got Nick. Reagan's flying out from Seattle.
Cece: Oh...
Jess: And we're double-teaming him.
Cece: Okay, listen to me very carefully, okay? You mean "tag-teaming." This is the exact same thing that happened when you handed that checkout guy coupons, and said that we'd been scissoring all day.
Jess: Oh. He helped us with our bags. He was such a gentleman.
Cece: No, he was not.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Excuse me, uh, Deb, we need to check your trunk... we're looking for a package. It is addressed to Retired Rear Admiral Jay Garage-A-Roo.
Schmidt: What a stupid name.
Winston: Tell it to your stupid wife, man... it's one of our inside jokes.
Schmidt: You two don't have inside jokes.
Winston: Man, we got loads of inside jokes! My turtleneck, uh, my trick hip, that "Hok-fooey, Jean Luc!"

Quote from Jess

Jess: Merry Christmas Eve Eve, everybody! Secret Santa starts tonight at 6:00 P.M., AKA 7:00 P.M. eve. Snacks will be potluck.
Winston: I call baba ghanoush.
Jess: It brings back such good memories. My dad waking me up with hot cocoa, my dog Frank dressed up as Rudolph, looking out the window, watching for snow, dancing around the Christmas tree to the sweet sounds of Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)."
Nick: Darlene what now?
Jess: [sings] The snow's coming down
Winston: Love me some Darlene.
Jess: [sings] I'm watching it fall
Schmidt: What am I watching now?
Jess: Two kilos of uncut joy.

Quote from Cece

Schmidt: This will be the only gift that Cece is getting this Christmas, so whoever has her, please step it up.
Cece: Right, and the same goes for my man. Just because he doesn't believe in the Lord, doesn't mean he can't have cake at the birthday party. So, whoever has him better bring it... because I know I got the perfect gift for...
Jess: Up-bup-bup-bup! Secret Santa.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, I got to get back to work. I told the entire staff they can have three days off 'cause Christmas is usually dead at the bar. So, it's just gonna be me and the receipts.
Schmidt: You haven't done those yet? Nick, our accountant needs them today.
Nick: I know. It's the do date, So, I'm going to do them today.
Schmidt: D-U-E, Nicholas.
Nick: D-O-I-N-G-I-N-G. Doing. The doing date. And if you think about it, D-O-I-N-G shouldn't be doing. It should be freaking "doyng." [puts on sunglasses]
Winston: [laughing] Nick, you got 'em?!
Cece: You look like you should be paying child support in Florida.

Quote from Robby

Jess: I get Nick the perfect gift, and then he goes and buys it for himself. What am I supposed to get him now?
Robby: You could get Nick some tap shoes, right? They do make walking fun.
Jess: [scoffs] I told you that about tap shoes, you tree. Now think, Jessica. You're the greatest
gift-giver of all time. [gasps] I've got it.
Robby: Whatever it is, I got it covered.
Jess: Oh, no, Robby. What I'm giving him cannot be wrapped.
Robby: Is it a memory?
Jess: No.
Robby: Ah. A house?
Jess: No.

Quote from Reagan

Jess: [on the phone] So fly down for one night. What could be more romantic or magical? I will orchestrate the whole surprise. Lighting, blocking, costumes...
Reagan: Okay, you know what? I... I'm in.
Jess: You are? I thought I was gonna have to give you the hard sell.
Reagan: That's part of the reason why I'm in. But... also, I haven't seen Nick in a couple weeks, and I really miss his nonsense. And that ass... am I right?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Weirdly, this is not the first time Nick has failed to mention elves in a crisis situation.

Quote from Cece

Cece: This is way worse than you said. I'm out of here... it's my day off, and... you know what, actually, I don't need more than that.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, what are you two doing here?
Jess: What are all these elves doing here?
Nick: They just got off a shift at the mall. You know, I've been thinking, since they're all regular size, my theory is it's a mall for giants.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: A beanbag chair, Winston?
Winston: Yeah.
Schmidt: You thought that would be a... a suitable gift for my bride?
Winston: You wouldn't get it. I mean, it's a reference to a classic Winston-Cece mess-around.
[flashback to Winston drawing a circle while playing Pictionary with Cece:]
Cece: Beanbag chair!
[present:]
Schmidt: Never in my life have I heard of a game of one-on-one Pictionary.
Winston: We had a moment.

Quote from Winston

Geoff: Here's the beanbag chair.
Winston: Yeah, stores are the best.
Geoff: Hey, you guys want to go get lunch or something?
Winston: Nah. How much is it?
Geoff: It's $249.99.
Winston: What? For a beanbag chair?
Schmidt: For a beanbag chair?
Geoff: Well, we have a cheaper one... we're just, we're out of stock. I could order it for you, but it would take seven to ten days.
Winston: Man, stores are the worst.
Schmidt: The admiral will take this.

Quote from Winston

Jess: All right, Cece. That big boy's for you.
Schmidt: What in the hell is that? Winston, what'd you do with the thing we just bought?
Cece: [gasps] Beanbag chair! Beanbag chair! It's from Winston!
Winston: They had to make it out of this dumb blanket.
Cece: Winston, you remembered our game night. I love it.
Schmidt: You do?
Winston: She does.
Cece: I do.
Schmidt: Well, you know what, Winston? You were right... it's the perfect gift. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that my wife is a little bit weirder than I thought she was.
Winston: It's a prototype, you know? The real one's on its way. Didn't have a lot of beans, so I had to pad it with rice and oatmeal.

Quote from Nick

Jess: All right, well, whoever got Schmidt better have brought it, 'cause Winston set the bar really high.
Schmidt: Oh, here we go, here we go. Here we go. Ooh...
Cece: Ooh...
Schmidt: Cashmere socks! Dayanu! [Cece chuckles] Well, it's not Winston, it's not Jess. Cece?
Cece: No. No, it's not me.
Nick: I got you, boy.
Schmidt: No way.
Nick: I got you.
Schmidt: This is you?
Nick: This is me.
Schmidt: Nicholas! [laughs]
Nick: Yeah, come on.
Schmidt: I don't know why I'm finding the image of you mispronouncing the word "cashmere" in a store... to be so joyful.
Nick: "Cadsh-mer."

Quote from Winston

Winston: Ha-ha! I get one? Oh, man.
Nick: Yeah. Everybody gets one.
Winston: That's crazy. I get one, too. You know.
Nick: Yeah, everybody does.
Winston: Aah! For me? Oh, my stars! A check made out to my phone company? Cece, girl, is this for that night
we got bombed and called Iceland?
Cece: You know it is!

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Okay, hold on, wait a minute, I had... I had Winston, too. Somebody got left out. Who didn't get one?
Winston: Oh, Winnie got two gifts?
Schmidt: That's for Winston.
Cece: Yeah.
Jess: Oh... no, no, it's... it's fine. It's... it's my fault. I must have gotten so tipsy on Halloween, I forgot to write down my own name. See? It's right there in the song. He makes a list, he checks it twice. See, this is probably why Santa stopped drinking.

Quote from Reagan

Cece: I feel horrible.
Nick: You have no idea. She and I got in a thing. I said something so stupid.
Reagan: [door opens] Sleigh!
Others: Hey, Reagan.
Reagan: Really? Do you know how hard it was to put this thing on in an airplane bathroom?
Schmidt: Do I.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Hey, I wanted to say that I'm sorry about what I said.
Jess: I know you are. Thanks.
Nick: I also want to say thank you. Even though I knew Reagan was coming, when I saw her I felt like it was Christmas morning and I was ten. But a ten-year-old about to have sex... with Santa! And it was... yeah,
this is getting weird. Anyway, I just wanted to say... I'm sorry and thank you.


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