Jess Day Quotes Page 1 of 35

Quote from Secrets

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!


Quote from Eggs

Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Quote from Dice

Schmidt: Dice is a dating app.
Jess: Dating app.
Schmidt: It's not for you.
Jess: What? Schmidty. Come on. I've Internet dated before. You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.
Schmidt: You are just describing e-mailing.

Quote from The Hike

Jess: We're lost. Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You know what TLC says.

Quote from Kids

Jess: So... that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?
Sarah: I liked it. Your life's like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor.
Jess: You know, there actually was a show like that. It was called Golden Girls. I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...

Quote from See Ya

Jess: Meep-meep!
Nick: Jess, honestly, don't do the Road Runner to a coyote!
Jess: That's how you deal with coyotes.
Nick: Coyotes hate roadrunners!
Jess: That's how you deal with them.
Nick: Coyotes want to kill roadrunners!
Jess: Meep-meep!

Quote from Fluffer

Jess: Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like the old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

Quote from Menzies

Jess: It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
Winston: You know what? I feel the same way.
Jess: Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't want to hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that's where I'm at right now. Now which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job? Hmm? Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?

Quote from The Captain

Jess: What's wrong?
Nick: Nothing.
Jess: Uh-oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Nick: Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.
Jess: Six more weeks of winter. Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.

Quote from Single and Sufficient

Robby: Oh, man. It's a really cool group, and we have our own motto.
Robby & Jess: "I'm single and I'm sufficient."
Schmidt: That's I-S-I-S. That's ISIS.
Cece: Th-that's ISIS.
Robby: Oh, my God.
Cece: You're asking people to join ISIS.
Robby: No, n-n-n-n-n-n-no.
Jess: As communication czar I should have caught that.

Quote from Thanksgiving

Nick: It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Nick: Great.
Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
Paul: [to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
Jess: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!

Quote from Bad in Bed

Jess: [British accent] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Cece: Why are we here?
Jess: You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
Jess: It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.

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