Jess: We're lost. Why did you let me chase a waterfall? You know what TLC says.

Jess: Guess what I'm worried about? This sound. You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus. I don't need test results to tell me that it is The Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930s Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt. And they're all walking with limps.

Jess: When did it start?
Schmidt: 1:03 a.m., February 15, right on schedule.
Cece: Two months ago.
Jess: Two months? Two moons have passed since you started doing it?
Winston: Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?
Jess: Two moons have passed!

Schmidt: Dice is a dating app.
Jess: Dating app.
Schmidt: It's not for you.
Jess: What? Schmidty. Come on. I've Internet dated before. You send an e-mail, you get excited, you wait, you get an e-mail back.
Schmidt: You are just describing e-mailing.

Jess: Last night was horrible. Sam came over, we tried to make out, I stopped it, and then we just laid there like the old couple in The Notebook waiting to die.

Jess: It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
Winston: You know what? I feel the same way.
Jess: Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't want to hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that's where I'm at right now. Now which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job? Hmm? Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?

Jess: Meep-meep!
Nick: Jess, honestly, don't do the Road Runner to a coyote!
Jess: That's how you deal with coyotes.
Nick: Coyotes hate roadrunners!
Jess: That's how you deal with them.
Nick: Coyotes want to kill roadrunners!
Jess: Meep-meep!

Jess: What's wrong?
Nick: Nothing.
Jess: Uh-oh. Looks like we have a little Groundhog Day situation.
Nick: Please don't call it a Groundhog's Day situation.
Jess: Six more weeks of winter. Don't worry. Lie back. I'm gonna take care of this.

Robby: Oh, man. It's a really cool group, and we have our own motto.
Robby & Jess: "I'm single and I'm sufficient."
Schmidt: That's I-S-I-S. That's ISIS.
Cece: Th-that's ISIS.
Robby: Oh, my God.
Cece: You're asking people to join ISIS.
Robby: No, n-n-n-n-n-n-no.
Jess: As communication czar I should have caught that.

Jess: So... that was crazy what happened with my friends, right?
Sarah: I liked it. Your life's like Gossip Girl, only everyone is old and poor.
Jess: You know, there actually was a show like that. It was called Golden Girls. I'm Betty White, Schmidt's Rue McClanahan...