Winston: Well, I'm on my way to meet Aly and her boyfriend for brunch. [laughing] And I am super excited to meet him. [normally] Yeah, that was sarcasm. And this is shark-casm: I just hate eating people.

Nick: So what was our best, in your opinion?
Cece: Ooh, you just walked right into that one.
Jess: Okay, it wasn't something that actually happened. It was historical.
Nick: Oh, historical, so was there a dragon?
Jess: No, it was historical. You think dragons are real?
Nick: I think there's a lot of debate about it. And there's a lot of blogs about it. And I know that as a fact, 'cause I've written one.
Jess: Do you think dinosaurs are dragons?
Nick: There's debate about dragons, Jess, and we're not doing this right now.

Tripp: 'Sup. Let's talk puss. Ready to show me your hairy little guy?
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Ugh. Oh. Yes, uh... Introducing... The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop. [Furguson purring] He's lickin' his no-no.
Schmidt: America's sweetheart.

Nick: What'd you have a dream about? It's interesting, Jessica. What was it about?
Jess: There was no dream, dude.
Nick: Well, which one of you is gonna crack and tell me what the dream was about? Jess? Or Cece? [to Cece] You looked at the helmet.
Jess: Cece!
Cece: I did not. I did not.
Nick: You had a sex dream about a Bear's helmet? Who was wearing it? Ditka? Vic Fangio? John Fox? Our GM, Ryan Pace? He's cute, but come on.
Cece: She doesn't know any of those people, Nick.

Cece: So in the dream, what was Nick...
Jess: He was wearing this. He was wearing a frickin' football helmet.
Cece: Ah, damn.
Jess: What happened next was primal. Man versus woman. The ancient battle of the flesh.

Jess: You can't meet a man's parents if your ex is making love to you in your head. I need my mind Nick-free by tonight. On this bed is everything Nick gave me while we were together. I'm going to get rid of it to clear my subconscious.
Cece: All right.
Jess: Good-bye, sex helmet. Good-bye, uh, lacquered bagel with my name on it. Good-bye, world's tiniest hedgehog.
Cece: That was a gift?
Jess: Good-bye almost done Rubik's Cube. Literally, it was one turn from the end and he would not finish it.
Cece: That makes sense with Nick.

Nick: Oh, my God. You had a sex dream about me.
Jess: No. It was... no... there was no... Well, well, well, well, well. Thanks a lot, Cece.
Cece: That was my bad. I'm sorry.
Nick: Pancakes and syrup, girls. Let's eat.

Jess: So your football helmet was caked in soot.
Nick: Why was I a chimney sweep?
Cece: Well, a chimney is hollow and you're just like jamming something into it.
Nick: What does that have to do with sex?
Jess: Get a hold of yourself.
Cece: Sorry.

Jess: So you took me to a dark, Victorian alley. It was filthy. I was on top.
Nick: Okay, I'm okay with that.
Jess: Our passion drowns out the coughs from the orphans inside. And then Winston brings us scones. And that's it.
Nick: Really sweet of him. I'm starving after sex, especially when I have to lay on my back.
Cece: You're starving all the time.
Nick: Who invited you in this room?

Schmidt: I don't want to humiliate your cat. I care about Furguson. I don't want... I don't want that poor thing to be humiliated.
Winston: Hey, hey, hey.
Schmidt: I can't imagine his self-esteem level already. It's got to be very low.
Winston: Through the frickin' roof, the self-esteem. Don't worry about Furguson, okay?
Schmidt: Okay, I can't do this anymore. Are we talking about Furguson, or are we talking about you?
Winston: We're talking about me, okay?
Schmidt: I knew it.
Winston: Furguson is me. Patches is Tripp, all right?
Schmidt: I knew... we've been dancing around that all day. Can we please go? I haven't eaten anything in six hours.
Winston: You know what? No. Patches may know a lot of tricks, but you know how Furguson's gonna get Aly?
Schmidt: I think you're getting lost, Winston, but keep going.
Winston: He's gonna keep trying, okay? He's never gonna give up. That's his trick. Now come on, man. Let's get back in there. Come on. Come on.