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‘Helmet’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

New Girl: Helmet

516. Helmet

Aired April 19, 2016

As Jess's relationship with Sam gets more serious, she has a sex dream about Nick. Meanwhile, Winston and Schmidt meet Aly's boyfriend.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Well, I'm on my way to meet Aly and her boyfriend for brunch. [laughing] And I am super excited to meet him. [normally] Yeah, that was sarcasm. And this is shark-casm: I just hate eating people.

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Quote from Nick

Nick: So what was our best, in your opinion?
Cece: Ooh, you just walked right into that one.
Jess: Okay, it wasn't something that actually happened. It was historical.
Nick: Oh, historical, so was there a dragon?
Jess: No, it was historical. You think dragons are real?
Nick: I think there's a lot of debate about it. And there's a lot of blogs about it. And I know that as a fact, 'cause I've written one.
Jess: Do you think dinosaurs are dragons?
Nick: There's debate about dragons, Jess, and we're not doing this right now.

Quote from Winston

Tripp: 'Sup. Let's talk puss. Ready to show me your hairy little guy?
Schmidt: What?
Winston: Ugh. Oh. Yes, uh... Introducing... The mouse murderin', the heart burglarin', the king of the kennel, Furguson Michael Jordan Bishop. [Furguson purring] He's lickin' his no-no.
Schmidt: America's sweetheart.

Quote from Jess

Cece: So in the dream, what was Nick...
Jess: He was wearing this. He was wearing a frickin' football helmet.
Cece: Ah, damn.
Jess: What happened next was primal. Man versus woman. The ancient battle of the flesh.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You can't meet a man's parents if your ex is making love to you in your head. I need my mind Nick-free by tonight. On this bed is everything Nick gave me while we were together. I'm going to get rid of it to clear my subconscious.
Cece: All right.
Jess: Good-bye, sex helmet. Good-bye, uh, lacquered bagel with my name on it. Good-bye, world's tiniest hedgehog.
Cece: That was a gift?
Jess: Good-bye almost done Rubik's Cube. Literally, it was one turn from the end and he would not finish it.
Cece: That makes sense with Nick.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What'd you have a dream about? It's interesting, Jessica. What was it about?
Jess: There was no dream, dude.
Nick: Well, which one of you is gonna crack and tell me what the dream was about? Jess? Or Cece? [to Cece] You looked at the helmet.
Jess: Cece!
Cece: I did not. I did not.
Nick: You had a sex dream about a Bear's helmet? Who was wearing it? Ditka? Vic Fangio? John Fox? Our GM, Ryan Pace? He's cute, but come on.
Cece: She doesn't know any of those people, Nick.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Oh, my God. You had a sex dream about me.
Jess: No. It was... no... there was no... Well, well, well, well, well. Thanks a lot, Cece.
Cece: That was my bad. I'm sorry.
Nick: Pancakes and syrup, girls. Let's eat.

Quote from Nick

Jess: So your football helmet was caked in soot.
Nick: Why was I a chimney sweep?
Cece: Well, a chimney is hollow and you're just like jamming something into it.
Nick: What does that have to do with sex?
Jess: Get a hold of yourself.
Cece: Sorry.

Quote from Nick

Jess: So you took me to a dark, Victorian alley. It was filthy. I was on top.
Nick: Okay, I'm okay with that.
Jess: Our passion drowns out the coughs from the orphans inside. And then Winston brings us scones. And that's it.
Nick: Really sweet of him. I'm starving after sex, especially when I have to lay on my back.
Cece: You're starving all the time.
Nick: Who invited you in this room?

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: I don't want to humiliate your cat. I care about Furguson. I don't want... I don't want that poor thing to be humiliated.
Winston: Hey, hey, hey.
Schmidt: I can't imagine his self-esteem level already. It's got to be very low.
Winston: Through the frickin' roof, the self-esteem. Don't worry about Furguson, okay?
Schmidt: Okay, I can't do this anymore. Are we talking about Furguson, or are we talking about you?
Winston: We're talking about me, okay?
Schmidt: I knew it.
Winston: Furguson is me. Patches is Tripp, all right?
Schmidt: I knew... we've been dancing around that all day. Can we please go? I haven't eaten anything in six hours.
Winston: You know what? No. Patches may know a lot of tricks, but you know how Furguson's gonna get Aly?
Schmidt: I think you're getting lost, Winston, but keep going.
Winston: He's gonna keep trying, okay? He's never gonna give up. That's his trick. Now come on, man. Let's get back in there. Come on. Come on.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I will be going on the count of three. One, zero, two, three, four...
Jess: What are you doing?
Nick: You never go on three. You want to catch the patient off guard. It's less scary that way. Everybody knows it. It's just a doctor trick.
Cece: Nick.
Nick: So this time I am going on three. One, two, three, four...
Jess: Do it!

Quote from Winston

Casting Director: So this is the famous Patches.
Winston: No. I am... Winston L'andre Bishop and this is: the king of cats. Lover of mats. No friend of rats. The kitty from Angel City, Furguson Michael Jordan... Bishop.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I was four steps away from freedom [sighs] and I fell. Oh, they were on me, and they traversed me. It was like I was their city and they were all rushing to work.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Did you have a dream last night?
Jess: Yeah, just the usual. You know, the one where I'm in a muffin test kitchen and Hillary Clinton tells me my muffins suck.
Nick: So that's the regular one.

Quote from Nick

Jess: [to Nick] I thought you could hang it on the wall here.
Cece: I love that. It's like your dad's looking over the bar.
Nick: Aw, thank you, Jess. It's really nice. All right. Now to be fair, I've had some sex dreams about you, too. First, there was the one where I was a spider and instead of legs it was penises.
Jess: No, I'm out.
Nick: It was eight penises...
Jess: Yeah, I know.
Nick: You were there, too.
Cece: I'm out.
Winston: Was I there?
Nick: And I'm out.
Winston: Oh, that would've been so cool.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Uh, you got any place I can put this change?
Jess: [garbled by mouth guard:] Fahboh heh-mah. All right, sorry. [normally] I thought we had, uh, wrapped up the talking portion of the evening. Uh, football helmet.
Sam: You're a Bears fan?
Jess: Oh, you know, sometimes in life we collect things. Trinkets. Some sentimental, some not. Nick gave it to me. Is that, is that weird?
Sam: N-n-no, that's fine. I, uh, can't really believe I'm saying this, 'cause Nick being in your life has definitely been hard for me, but I'm getting used to it.
Jess: [garbled by mouth guard:] That makes me so happy.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Where are my leftovers?
Schmidt: What? Who cares?
Nick: I care. I brought it up. I left perfectly nice leftovers in the fridge, and I expect them to be there.
Schmidt: Well, now they're not. End of discussion.
Nick: No. Middle of discussion. You're not even gonna look at me? When you throw away my stuff, you're throwing me away.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm.
Nick: I wanted to have cold scallop pizza for breakfast and you took that from me. You took that from me. I hope you can live with yourself. You're disgusting.
Schmidt: I'm actually really happy that you're eating breakfast, Nick. It's nice to know that you're taking care of yourself. Thank you.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Dear Lord, do you mean to tell me that you're going to brunch with the woman that you love and her boyfriend? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Winston: No, it's not that bad. I mean, I'm in a prank marriage, anyway. And I'm over Aly, so...
Schmidt: Don't you lie to me, Winston.
Winston: I'm not lying.
Schmidt: You and both know that you are not even a little bit over Aly. I'm coming with you.
Winston: All right, fine, Schmidt, you can come. But please, do me a favor? Don't be weird and start smelling people's bread. Either you eat bread, or you don't eat bread. There's nothing in between, man.

Quote from Aly

Aly: Well, the two most important men in my life are finally meeting. And for some reason this other guy's here.
Schmidt: Yo.
Tripp: Hey, brunch is on me today, guys, okay? So, feel free to add blue cheese to anything. I'm an agent for animal actors.
Aly: He's doing pretty good. He recently signed the crow from Game of Thrones.
Tripp: Darnell. You know his name.
Aly: Darnell. That's right.
Schmidt: I didn't realize an animal agent was a real job.
Tripp: Let me put it to you this way, so the next Avatar movie takes place on a cat planet, and, uh, I was the first one they called.
Winston: Shut up.
Aly: I know. I knew you were gonna like that.
Winston: A cat planet?
Aly: I know. He swore me to secrecy. I was gonna tell you.

Quote from Winston

Winston: My good... you know, I always thought Furguson should be in the movies. Would you interested in, uh, I don't know, taking a meeting with him? He's got no representation, so he's...
Tripp: Let me guess. Wait. He has an adorable yawn?
Winston: Yeah.
Tripp: Of course he does. He's a cat. But can he show up every day to work? I run a business. Pass.
Winston: Yeah, never mind. Dumb idea.

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