Winston: Hey, you guys know anything about cats? Yeah, I'm trying to score some points with Daisy, so I promised to watch her cat tonight.
Schmidt: They carry disease, they're obsessed with my nipples, and they are unwelcome in this loft.
Cece: Did you just say that cats are obsessed with your nipples?
Schmidt: I've told you this story before.
[flashback to a shirtless Schmidt sleeping in a barn with a cat licking his nipple]
Winston: I think I would have remembered that story.
Schmidt: No cats.

Nick: Do you know a place I can get cheap school supplies? I only have $15 and a halfie. $15 and a halfie.
Schmidt: A halfie?
Nick: Yeah, it's a half. It got ripped, so it's a half.
Schmidt: No one's gonna accept that as currency.

Schmidt: With the promotion, uh, I got a new office, so I don't have to look at Bethany's mismanaged eyebrows all day. Do you like it? It's a perfect two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office from Mad Men, and you're my sexy Peggy.
Beth: Good God, at least shut the door.
Schmidt: My tiny credenza is in the way.

Nick: What's up, Winston?
Winston: Oh, hey, Nick. You know, I couldn't figure out the best way to kill Furguson, so I decided to just let him choose how he wants to die. If only I could get him to leave that damn sunbeam.
Nick: You're gonna murder a cat?
Winston: Yeah.
Nick: This is a joke, right?
Winston: No.
Nick: This is one of your pranks?
Winston: An eye for an eye, Nick. A cat for a cat.
Nick: But what's the other cat?
Winston: My heart.

Nick: What is wrong, Jess?
Jess: I've been at this new school for a week now and I still haven't made any friends. There's, like, a clique of teachers, and they run the school. I just want them to like me. I know it sounds dumb, but...
Nick: Leave it to me. I'll fix it. You're Nick Miller's girl now. You're my old lady.
Jess: What?
Nick: Whatever you need, you got it.
Jess: Why are you talking like a James Taylor song?
Nick: I don't know.

Winston: So I'm just gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell Daisy, "Listen, my heart is a two-man bike, and I want you in the rear." What do you think?
Nick: Winston, don't say that. You want her in your? You can say "the rear." You don't want her in your rear.
Schmidt: No, don't say "the rear" at any time.
Winston: You guys are just jealous.
Nick: What?
Winston: You guys are gonna steal my swag.
Schmidt: I wouldn't even know how to begin to steal a swag.

Dan: Foster's such a dork.
Molly: He needs to get laid.
Jess: I got laid. This morning. From my boyfriend. So coitus no-one-interruptus. That because we finished, so...
Dan: Why are you talking to us?
Rose: You have owl eyes.
Dan: Yeah.

Nick: Listen to me. You want to be in with them? Roll with the punches, go with the flow. Make fun of your boss a little bit. Don't follow your instincts. I wouldn't sing. But most importantly, follow my lead. And by "follow my lead," I mean drink. And I mean drink a lot.
Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

Cece: Wait, we're using real honey? So sticky.

Cece: Hey, babe! What a nice surprise!
Schmidt: I came to tell you that you can't come with me to the party tonight. They just told me that it's employees only. No sig oths.
Cece: Just say "significant others."
Schmidt: Well, maybe you have that kind of time, but I'm on a tight sched.