Jess: These are hangover eggs. See, they'll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you'll just throw it up really fast. It's high-risk, high-reward.

Nick: As my financial business partner, I appreciate you taking the time. All right, Russell said we need a prototype. So, Mr. Schmidt, I now present you "Real Apps." The phone obviously goes back here where the phone goes, and then these are all the apps. You've got a Zippo. You've got a fork. You've got a spoon. That's a corn holder. It's also a gentleman's shiv.
Schmidt: Nick, it's a prototype of a prototype at best. Let me see it.
Nick: No. Don't be mean about it.
Schmidt: Come on, let me see it.
Nick: You got a bottle opener.

Russell: Relapse?
Nick: Real Apps.
Schmidt: Real Apps.
Russell: Relapse?
Nick: Relapse?!
Schmidt: Would you calm...?
Nick: You called my baby "relapse"?!
Schmidt: No, I didn't call it anything. Just calm down!
Nick: I gave you 51% of this for Relapse?

Russell: Jess, I haven't played a drinking game in ten years. The only reason I did is 'cause you asked me to. If I want to have a drink, I don't really have to play a game while I'm doing it.
Jess: Well, that's my world. Garbage disposals don't work. Elevators don't pass inspection.
Russell: Wait. I didn't know about the elevator.
Jess: Yeah, it was, like, the cables were really thin. We signed a waiver. They took 100 bucks off our rent.
Russell: That's really not safe!
Jess: Well, that's where I live, and those are my friends. And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And if you want to get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song.

Jess: I'm mad at him, and I've never been mad at him before.
Schmidt: Oh, Jess! This room is not a place of comforting, okay? This is Darwin's jungle, where open-minded people do weird things to each other.
Cece: [to Schmidt] Go away.
Jess: I can't fight with him. That's our thing. We don't fight. He used to fight all the time with his ex-wife. I think he likes that we're peaceful.
Cece: Fighting's good. It's healthy. It's how you know it's working.
Schmidt: You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do is we like to fight with our bodies. It's like very intense game of Capture the Flag. I won't make you guess what the flag is.

Elvin: What are you doing here? Why aren't you at your new job?
Winston: I'm quitting.
Elvin: You're quitting your dream job?
Winston: Well, I mean, there's good news. I want to keep being your nanny. That's what I've come to tell your mom.
Elvin: I can't let you do that. Mom? Mom? Winston just asked me if he can smoke weed.
Winston: What?!
Gina: What?!
Winston: No, see...
Elvin: He said when we go to the park, he wanted to do it. And I get to hold it because I'm a minor.
Winston: Where is your imagination taking you? No!
Gina: You said that in front of my kid?!
Winston: Gina...
Gina: Are you serious?! Are you completely insane?!
Winston: Gina, you know me, okay? I'm wearing a tie and everything.
Gina: You're never, ever gonna nanny again. I will destroy you on the nanny boards. You can count on that. Come on, Elvin.
Winston: Just... Let me explain. Let me... Elvin, Elvin, Elvin, hey, now.
Gina: Elvin, let's get away. Get away from the hippie. Come on.
Elvin: Bye, Winston.
Winston: Bye, Elvin.
Gina: No, no, don't talk to him. It's 4:20. Don't you have to be somewhere?

Jess: I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.
Russell: Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser. Who's to say you can't be all three?

Schmidt: You're listening to the radio and writing with a pen? What decade are we in?
Nick: I cannot listen to that guy. Come on. Joe Napoli's the worst, man.
Winston: What? Man, that is blasphemous. He's the king of sports radio, man. I've got an interview with him today, okay? He's hiring a new research assistant. Hence... the research. My old basketball coach set it up. You know, I'm just trying to figure out how to break it to Elvin.
Schmidt: You gotta cut ties with that kid. He freaks me out. He never blinks. He's like a tiny little owl in a shirt.

Schmidt: Big R.
Russell: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Your shoe's untied.
Russell: Oh.
[As Russell bends down to tie his shoe lace, Schmidt sneaks up behind him and tries to pull at his jacket's collar.]
Russell: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Label check, man.
Russell: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Label check.
Russell: What are you doing?
Schmidt: Just calm down.

Winston: [barks] Russell!
Russell: Whoa! Oh, man, you scared me.
Winston: You scared of black people?
Russell: No.
Winston: It's 2012, baby.