Robby: Hi, uh, I'm looking for a girl named Jess! She wears glasses. Kind of like this? I know that's not a lot to go on, but the glasses are, like, her-her whole thing really.

Jess: Is that a gold record on your wall?
Robby: Hmm? Oh, yeah. I-I played bass on a Santana album.
Jess: Who are you?

Jess: You work in a factory?
Robby: Well, no, actually, um, I design them.
Jess: Oh, well, that's not fascinating at all. [chuckles] That's fresh from the sarcasm factory, 'cause it is fascinating. Thought you would've mentioned that before.
Robby: You guys ask me surprisingly little about my personal life.

Nick: That's a nice grain.
Jason: Great grain.
Nick: Got to cut with the grain.
Jason: Uh, always.
Nick: Watch the fingers.
Jason: It's a living.
Nick: Get the hands dirty.
Jason: Yeah, you know, early bird gets the worm.
Nick: [laughs] Clean your jeans.
Jason: Ask her what time it is, she'll tell you to build a watch, you know? [both laugh]
Schmidt: Would you look at that?

Nick: Aren't those the copper pipes for our bathroom?
Jason: These are extra. I'm gonna use them on another job.
Nick: Oh, at another job. Oh, it... and he left with them.
Schmidt: What does he do? I don't understand... What's happening? What is happening?
Nick: Oh, I get it. I get it. We got ripped off.
Schmidt: God... I knew it.
Nick: How did I not see this coming? Maybe I've lost touch with the people. Serves me right being such a damn success. I'm sitting in my ivory tower like Dan Brown!
Schmidt: Nick, you're a very talented writer, but you're no Dan Brown. You've never even had anything published.
Nick: Well, if I'm no Dan Brown, and I'm no man of the people, then who am I?
Schmidt: Stop having an identity crisis! Now is not the time.

Jess: You weren't actually in Santana. You just met the band when you were delivering pizza to the studio?
Robby: Carlos found out that I played bass somehow, and then he asked me to sit in.
Jess: Huh.
Robby: Thus began the brief career I had as a studio session musician when I was a junior in high school.
Jess: I managed the girls JV wrestling team.
Robby: That's really cool, too.
Jess: It was cool.
Robby: Mm-hmm.
Jess: Anyway, tell me literally everything that's ever happened to you.
Robby: You should just watch the PBS special.
Jess: What?!
Robby: I saved a guy's life.
Jess: What? Whose life?
Robby: Do you know who Elon Musk is?

Winston: So, what are we looking at here? Uh, open relationship? Friends with benefits? The old "dog and bone" situation?
Jess: We're just two people hanging out in a cool and modern way. [Jess & Robby high-five] Welcome to the future.
Schmidt: What exactly is a "dog and bone" situation? I'm assuming you-you're the bone...
Winston: You know damn well I was the bone! Almost broke my neck.
Nick: I am terrified about what women have done to you, Winston.
Winston: We all got to get off, right. We all got to get...
Nick: I'm gonna need you to leave.
Winston: I saw that coming.

Schmidt: Well, Cece and I have moved on to a very different and more exciting chapter. We'd like to invite all of you to a walkthrough of our new kitchen. We have finally have walls.
Nick: Got the walls!
Jess: Wait, you're just getting walls now? Who's building your house? Congress? [laughs]
Robby: So relevant.
Jess: To the news of today.
Schmidt: Truth be told, we've had some trouble with our contractor. He's a real Joe Public. Just a newspaper-and-dump kind of guy.

Schmidt: Now, can we please focus? We are doing a formal walkthrough. Behold, the kitchen of tomorrow. Where are the dang walls?! Mr. Jason said one week at the latest. No! No! No!
Nick: Uh, a minute alone with the boy?
Nick: Hey, bud.
Schmidt: Nick... I am at my wit's end here. Should I call the Better Business Bureau?
Nick: Better Business Bureau... that's not a real thing...
Schmidt: It's a very real thing... and as a man who co-owns a small business with you, I'm alarmed.
Nick: You just got to know how to talk to these people.
Schmidt: There's Mr. Jason over there. See the brunette with his arms crossed?
Nick: Okay, let me take a crack at this. And don't call men brunettes. We've talked about this before.

Jess: Where does a modern girl go to make a fake guy real?
Cece: That is an insane combination of words.
Jess: It's not the Internet, a bar or a nightclub, 'cause I'm uncomfortable with all those.
Winston: You're taking a lot of options off the table.
Cece: And are you sure you're just not scared to get serious with Robby because you don't want to get hurt?
Jess: No, I'm not scared, I just... don't want to start a relationship with someone I barely know. I mean, he has a boat. What's next, a kid? And then I have to meet the boat and the kid at some weird sea luncheon?