Cece: "My name is Ruth Bader Parikh-Schmidt, and I am three today." Can you say that?
Ruth: Daddy's butt!
Cece: Close enough. Okay, but where is Daddy's butt? I got to get to the office.
Schmidt: Daddy's butt has been bleaching all outdoor playing surfaces. [removes face mask] You could prepare a chicken on that slide.

Bob Day: [on the phone] Hey, bub. What's the holdup? It's been six months since I gave you my blessing. When am I gonna hear my daughter cry? Huh? I think I deserve to hear my daughter cry.
Nick: Bob, I'm proposing tonight. I've been planning on doing it all along when we got back home to the loft.
Bob Day: The loft? You visit every possible romantic proposal spot on the planet, and you pick that dump?
Nick: Because it's where we met, Bob. Look, I've got a whole plan. I haven't told anybody. So I mailed the ring from Europe. So when we're looking at the mail, I'll say, like, "Check this one out. This one's from Turkey. You should open it, Jess."
Bob Day: You mailed my grandmother's ring from Turkey?
Nick: I hired an Au pair. He was going there, anyhow.
Bob Day: A male Au pair?
Nick: Yes, a boy Au pair.
Bob Day: Look, look, I better get a phone call tonight with the news that my daughter has a fiancé.
Nick: Bob...
Bob Day: I don't even care if it's not you. Okay?

Schmidt: Settle down! Settle down or I'm gonna turn off the music! Try playing musical chairs with no music! It's just chairs.

Jess: Feminist icons... very sophisticated theme. At my third birthday party, the theme was hamburgers.
Schmidt: Well, Ruth asked for Wonder Woman, so I ran with it, because this party has got to be perfect. You remember her first birthday.
[flashback to Winston stopping CPR on a magician]
Schmidt: Which led to a downtick in attendance at her second birthday.
[flashback:]
Winston: His greatest trick was making us remember.
[present:]
Schmidt: So this year, I invited every three-year-old in a ten-mile radius.
Cece: And now you can relax and enjoy your daughter's birthday party?
Schmidt: Yeah. Uh, sure. "Relax and enjoy." You keep me young, Cece. Thanks. Ten years in marketing, three years in fatherhood and six months of planning this party, I feel like my entire life has been leading up to this very moment.

Cece: I'm gonna go set up the booze.
Schmidt: Oh, no, no, no. Booze is a last resort. It is shocking how much parents drink at these things. Last week, I saw a drunk mommy take a... take a boom boom in the bounce house. It was horrifying.
Jess: Ugh.
Schmidt: If you'll excuse me, I see a little boy over there who doesn't understand the meaning of "upscale casual."

Jess: Because of a pending Justice Department investigation, I can't tell you why I left Banyon Canyon. But I can tell you European Jess is a lot more fun than State's Witness Jess.
Russell: It sounds to me like you need a job. You should come work for me.
Jess: I don't actually know what it is you do. God, I was a terrible girlfriend. Anyway, Nick and I leave for the South American leg of his book tour soon. In Peru, they call Pepperwood El Gumbo Federalé.
Russell: Wait, Nick? You're still together? I've been married and divorced twice since I last saw you.
Jess: Yeah, well, you know, we haven't been together the whole time. We've had ups and downs, and twists and turns, but about three years ago, we figured it out and we've been together ever since. Sometimes it just takes dating your cousin for things to really fall into place.

Winston: [on the phone] Yeah. Coach, listen, I'm still waiting for your vote for those pictures that I sent you, so...
Aly: Winston, just pick your favorite.
Winston: Baby, they're all my favorite. Why can't you see that you being pregnant has made you more beautiful than ever? You know what?
Aly: Fine. I'll pick one, okay? Oh, my God, I am beautiful. Mother Earth. Creator. Giver of life.
Winston: Give that life.
Aly: I'm a walking miracle with magic inside.
Winston: Well, I mean, it happens to a lot of people, so it's not really a miracle, but I get it.
Aly: Look at that body. And there's a human inside of it?
Winston: Yeah.

Nick: [on the phone] Bob, I can't do it tonight. I'm sorry, but this thing has been ten years in the making, and everything about the proposal has to be perfect. And I'll know when the time is right.
Bob Day: You know what? I'm rescinding my blessing. You want to marry my daughter? You got to resubmit for a new blessing. And it better be as good as the first time you asked.
Nick: [sighs] Okay. Bob, I am in love with your daughter, and I will be for the rest of my life. I want to ask her to marry me, but only with your blessing.
Bob Day: All right, all right. Yeah, y-you got it. But this time there's a time limit on it. One month. You hear me? One month!
Nick: One month.

[montage:]
Cece: Vodka Soda-Mayor. Right here.
Schmidt: Here you go, sir. A Rosé the Riveter.
Cece: A Ruth Bader Gin-sberg. I did that one.

Schmidt: It's just, this is the first birthday party that our daughter is actually going to remember. If it's anything less than perfect, I'm going to hire a professional samurai to chop me in half.
Cece: That seems proportional.
Schmidt: Okay, fine. You know what? You're right. Let's break out the booze.
Cece: Thank you.
Schmidt: Put some toilet tissue in the bounce house.