TV Quotes

Cece: It was Mark-Paul Gosselaar.
Schmidt: What? You... you were... you were with Zack Morris?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Guy's a frigging god. I mean, all right. I've... I surrender. That's awes... Can I come to the wedding? [Cece laughs] You think Slater and Screech are gonna be there?
Cece: [laughing] I'm kidding. I just wanted to see you freak out.
Schmidt: You really had me going there for a second.
Cece: [laughs] It works every time with you. It's amazing. Now...
Schmidt: There was a real second there where I had bad feelings towards Mark-Paul Gosselaar, and I didn't like any moment of that. How dare you. Don't ever do that to me again.

Coach: Do you think a good subject line is "The Inside of You"?
Schmidt: Hey, you know, I bet I could spot this spider a lot better if I was on your shoulders.
Coach: Do not ask me again to get on my shoulders. That's a once-a-year thing, and you already used it on Halloween, when we were ten-foot-tall Ralph Macchio.
[flashback to them struggling to get into the elevator as a ten-foot-tall Karate Kid]
Schmidt: That was cool.
Coach: I didn't like that. I could feel your genitals on the back of my neck like an airplane pillow.

Nick: Hey, Schmidt! Hey, Schmidt. Have you seen Abby? Huh? What are you what are you doing?
Abby: I'm melting chocolate.
Schmidt: [muffled] Abby and I are having sex.
Nick: [whispers] What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
Schmidt: [spits out apple] I've really changed my tune on nonsense, Nick. You know, for the life of me, I could not understand the grasp that Jess had on you, but if she came from the same gene pool as this one... [chuckles] Kudos, my friend. Even if it's a tenth of what I just experienced. Even if it's a DeVito/Schwarzenegger split from Twins.
Nick: You calling Jess the DeVito?
Schmidt: What?

Waitress: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to ask you to give up the table.
Jess: Um, can I please just stay, just a little bit longer?
Nick: [rushes in with the guys] We're here. Yup. We're here, Jess! We're here.
Schmidt: We're here for the date, the date thing.
Waitress: You're all on a date?
Nick: Yeah we are. We're her boyfriends. We are reverse Mormons. One man just isn't enough for her.

Sadie: Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today.
Jess: Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for... 12 hours. Is there any chance that I sunny-side upped my eggs?
Sadie: No, Jess.
Jess: Oh, between the years of 1998 and 2005, I used a lot of self-tanner. Like, a lot. Is that a possibility of, um... Do I...
Sadie: Okay. Nope. Here we go.
Jess: I once fell on a pommel horse...

Schmidt: What the hell war is this?
Photographer All right, turn around and face him.
Schmidt: Am-am I... Am I supposed to want to buy a missile? I don't understand. Just pounding the drum of war. What-what, did no one listen to Eisenhower?

Winston: How do I look?
Jess: Terrible.
Schmidt: N-Not for me.
Nick: Not great.
Coach: Like crap.
Jess: Go change.
Schmidt: I don't like any of it.
Winston: Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.