Cece: I'm really happy you gave me another shot.
Shivrang: Yeah, so am I. You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends.
Cece: No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, you'd really like them. They are down to earth and chill, no drama.
Jess: Yeah?
Winston: [o.s.] Hey, Cece, it's Winston! You got a rubber?! I need a rubber. [pounding on door]
Cece: He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb" It's so weird.
Winston: Nah, nah, I-I need a condom for my penis!

Cece: And so exactly how do you plan to avoid this man that you are trapped in the same hotel with? There are, like, a thousand porns that start that way.
Jess: Yeah, but no porns have teachers.
Cece: Every porn has a teacher.

Coach: How could you guys do this to me?
Nick: We didn't do anything. You embarrassed yourself. Actually, you embarrassed us. And you do it all the time, Coach. Like how you sit on the hood of your car when you pump gas into it. I mean, what, are you in Dukes of Hazzard, you idiot?
Coach: I saw Isaiah Thomas do it on a poster once, and it was cool.

Schmidt: That liver spot out-sharked me. Can you believe that? I'm-I'm a minnow. Tomorrow, Ed is gonna present my idea to the board, and then he's gonna get the get the promotion. My career is toast. Minnow toast. Yeah, well, I tip my hat to him. The minnow tips his tiny hat to the shark, and then lays down on the toast to be eaten.
Cece: There is too much going on in whatever metaphor you're trying. Okay? It's too busy.
Cece: Somewhat made se- Oh, forget it.
Schmidt: Oh, forget it. Ed wins. I'm a mess.
Winston: Hell, no, Schmidt. Justice has to be served, all right?
Cece: Mm-hmm.
Schmidt: Right. Let us stop Ed. The minnow needs to get up off of... No, off of the toast mat and fish-fight his way to the orangutan ball.

Jess: All right, Nick. All right. Get out there.
Nick: Yeah.
Jess: I'll hold your wallet.
Nick: I don't have a wallet.
Jess: All right, well, that's fine.
Nick: I have a sandwich bag with my license and money in it.
Jess: Okay, I'll hold your sandwich bag. Get out there, go.

Prince: Hi. I'm Prince. So what seems to be the problem? Oh, how rude of me. I haven't given you enough time to freak out yet. You may do so now.
Jess: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [sobs]
Nick: [high-pitched squealing]
Jess: Oh, my God!
Nick: [faints]
Jess: Nick!

Schmidt: Yes. I told you I'd come through. Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party.
Nick: No, I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar. I just want to sit here all weekend in silence playing this game, then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.