Schmidt: You ladies need to be very careful. Blow-out can give a woman too much confidence. Make them take on things that they can't handle. Hillary Clinton.

Jess: What are we gonna do?
Cece: My phone's dead.
Jess: My phone is dead, too.
Cece: I have no cash.
Jess: Now, what are we gonna do? Are we gonna walk?
Cece: My feet are wrecked, okay? And carrying shoes? That's legit walk of shame.
Jess: Please stop saying "walk of shame." Also "legit." Not crazy about that word, either. If that South African runner who killed his girlfriend can run with no legs, we can walk in heels.

Cece: All right. Confession. I did not sleep with Ken, either. Yeah, we started hooking up and then I called him... Schmidt.
Jess: That's okay. It happens.
Cece: Twice.
Jess: Whatever.
Cece: Four times.
Jess: Okay, that's bad.
Cece: I know, I felt so bad afterwards, I straightened up his room. I am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend. And I've been stealing my neighbor's Wi-Fi. I mean, what have I become?

Cece: Excuse you! Those little bitches throwing us shade? Hey! Keep it moving! [both laugh] This is a middle school vice principal and can give both of you detention.
Jess: Hey, would one of you let us use your phone in exchange for... [goes in Cece's purse] Cece?
Cece: What?
Jess: Cheese and a condom?
Cece: It's for emergencies.

Coach: How could you guys do this to me?
Nick: We didn't do anything. You embarrassed yourself. Actually, you embarrassed us. And you do it all the time, Coach. Like how you sit on the hood of your car when you pump gas into it. I mean, what, are you in Dukes of Hazzard, you idiot?
Coach: I saw Isaiah Thomas do it on a poster once, and it was cool.

Schmidt: Oh, he's on a jog with May. You know, I think he might've met his match with that one. Rumor has it they haven't even kissed yet.
Winston: What was all that noise in their room if they haven't kissed yet? That's weird.
Nick: Stop listening by everybody's rooms for sex sounds, Winston.
Winston: [laughs] Listen, if I'm not getting it...
Nick: Hey! Hey!
Winston: I want to make sure everybody else is getting it.
Nick: Winston, I mean it, man.

Cece: Look, I had no choice, okay? He's sleeping on my shirt. We need to go! Walk of shame! Let's make a move.
Jess: Wait a minute. Why do women have to have a label for going home in the morning when for men it's just... going home? Why don't we just call ourselves what we are? Two respectable women rushing to their car.

Schmidt: It's a good thing that I'm coming with you. I know a ton about classical music. I played the ghost of Rachmaninoff in a loosely based high school production of Shine.

Jess: Los Angeles! [shoes squeaking] We are sluts and we are clowns! But we are not losers!
Cece: We are not losers!
Paul: Yes! No, we're adventurers!
Winston: Shame, shame, I know your name.
Paul: Ah... yo, Nicholas!
Nick: Hey, Genzlinger! I miss you, man! Great shoes!
Paul: Guess what, guys, I'm still here. Take that, Lyme's disease!

Coach: Ugh, I can't believe we have to go to that stupid music thing. I just found these two-for-one coupons to the water park.
Schmidt: Wow.
Coach: They reopened the wave pool because it's been two years to the day since that guy died.
Winston: R.I.P., Mike Beakman.
Schmidt: All right, you know what? I'll... I'll take one for the team. You guys go to the water park, and I'll go with Coach.
Coach: Really?
Schmidt: My eyes react poorly to children's urine anyway. Don't ask me how I know that.