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‘A Father's Love’ Quotes

New Girl: A Father's Love

213. A Father's Love

Aired January 15, 2013

Nick's father, Walt Miller (guest star Dennis Farina), comes to town with a scheme. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Robby team up to try win Cece back.

Quote from Schmidt

Robby: Do you think Cece and Pavun will make it?
Schmidt: I don't know. Really can't say. What I can say is that one arranged marriage did take place today. The marriage of Schmidt and Robby.
Robby: [laughs] Hell, yeah.
Schmidt: I only dread the day that we defeat all the Indians, and must face each other in a duel to the death.
Robby: Yeah. Buzz kill.
Schmidt: We're like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Except only one of us dies at the end of the movie. It's gonna be you. You're the one that's gonna die.
Robby: You want another beer?
Schmidt: Sure do, compadre.

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Quote from Robby

Cece: What are you two doing here?
Schmidt: Whoa, hey.
Robby: Cece?
Schmidt: Just nothing, we're just...
Robby: Yeah, you know. [to Schmidt] Do you think that she saw me?
Schmidt: What? Of course she saw you. Do you think she saw me?
Robby: Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on.

Quote from Robby

Schmidt: I feel like Cece's making a big mistake with this Indian guy. She should be with somebody like us.
Robby: Totally. White Guy Power. [off Schmidt's look] Okay, um... Cool Guy Power.
Schmidt: Now you're talking, Robby.

Quote from Robby

Robby: What are we gonna do?
Schmidt: I don't know. I mean, one billion Indian men is a daunting foe. Suddenly I feel sympathy for Pakistan. But it's like they say, "How do you eat an elephant, Robby?"
Robby: With chopsticks.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Slowly, with chopsticks.
Schmidt: That's ... no ... with chopsticks?!
Robby: In a taco.
Schmidt: What?
Robby: Elephant tacos.
Schmidt: Elephant tacos? Who eats elephant tacos? That's not even a saying.
Robby: Oh.
Schmidt: One bite at a time, Robby.
Robby: One bite at a time.
Schmidt: Yes. One bite at a time.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This is what I'm thinking. I use my superior powers of manipulation and persuasion to get Cece to take you back. Once we've neutralized the sub-continental threat, I smite you.
Robby: What?
Schmidt: What?
Robby: You said you're gonna smite me?
Schmidt: Smite ... defeat gloriously for Cece's hand.
Robby: No, I know what it means.
Schmidt: But that's someday. For now, let's scheme, my "broheem."
Robby: Okay... I just want to reiterate that I'm not on board with the smiting.
Schmidt: Whatever.
Robby: But I like the "broheem" thing a lot.
Schmidt: Let's concentrate on the broheem part. And smite later. Yeah, okay, yeah.
Robby: Cheers, broheem.

Quote from Robby

Schmidt: What do you think about this? We get a three-person canoe, okay? Then we got to her house and we rap on the door. She answers the door, she sees the three-person canoe. She realizes there's only two of us, and we say, "Ah, what a conundrum. Please join us."
Robby: How about this one? We get some night-vision goggles. All right, that's all I got. I don't... I don't know what else.
Schmidt: I mean, I would say Trojan horse, but...
Robby: In this economy?
Schmidt: I mean, we could always go on a hunger strike.
Robby: We enlist in the Navy, we quickly rise through the ranks, and then we can take her to the Naval Officer's Ball.
Schmidt: Feel like we're right there!

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Oh, my... Nick, please do not angry-fix the sink.
Nick: I'm not angry-fixing. I'm fixing! You want to know why I'm messed up? Why I don't trust people? Why I have anger issues?
Jess: Oh, yes, I do want to know.
Nick: Why I have the blood pressure of a hummingbird? [rapid banging]
Jess: Do you think this is maybe about your dad?

Quote from Jess

Walt Miller: You really seem to care about Little Nicky.
Jess: I mean, look at him. He looks like Hilary Swank mixed with a sad, wet dog.

Quote from Jess

Walt Miller: Now, listen, I already got people standing by to take the horse off our hands. Horse semen in Dubai is gold.
Jess: No, you can't sell "A Father's Love." There's more to "A Father's Love" than just semen. Ew, poetic, but ew.

Quote from Nick

Winston: All right, Nick, we believe in you, man. Tell us, what's in the cup?
Nick: Ah, it's a hard one. It's a mini carrot. [everyone laughs] Onion and potato? [everyone laughs]
Schmidt: Dumbest boy in all the world. How are you so bad at Feely-Cup?
Winston: You are awful at this game.
Nick: Sea glass? I'm overthinking it.
Winston: If his life depended on this, he would die.
Nick: Battery.
Jess: When are batteries squishy?
Nick: I'm just kidding, I'm kidding ... I know it's not a battery. I'm kidding.
Jess: Feel, Nick.
Winston: Nick, will you be paying for bonus time?
Jess: He can't. He is all out of quarters.

Quote from Nick

Schmidt: Uh, Nick? Your dad's here.
Nick: Very funny, Schmidty, but my concentration will not be broken.
Walt Miller: Hey-ya, Nickels. Come on, kid, bring it in. Come on!
Jess: Hello, Mr. Miller. Welcome to our home.
Walt Miller: Feely-Cup?
Winston: Oh, yeah.
Walt Miller: Bring it on.
Winston: Watch this.
Walt Miller: Tampon... Wrapped in duct tape... And dipped... in baking powder.
Nick: Is that what it is? Oh, it is.
Winston: Boom! Next level Feely-Cup.
Jess: Hello, Mr. Miller.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Hey. So, what does Mr. Miller do?
Winston: Businessman.
Schmidt: He's a con man.
Jess: A what?
Schmidt: He is a con man.
Winston: He is a damn business ... What are you talking about?
Schmidt: He's a con man.
Winston: He's a businessman.
Schmidt: Winston's obsessed with Walt.
Winston: That mustache first of all ... what?! It's like the world's sexiest push broom.

Quote from Jess

Jess: A con man like, "What's the play?" The, uh, Ring-A-Doo Johnnycakes? The, uh, Hollow Leg Swap-Em-Out?
Schmidt: Yes, exactly.
Jess: Fake trombones for a fake band. Harold Hill! Music Man?

Quote from Winston

Winston: No, he is not a con man, okay? You know, he sometimes used to sell hats.
[flashback:]
Walt Miller: There you go, boys ... enjoy.
Young Nick: Thanks, Dad.
Young Winston: So many hats.
[present:]
Winston: Okay, technically, they were misprints.
[flashback:]
Boy: This says: "Chica Go Bills." Let's go, guys ... these hats suck.
[present:]
Jess: "Chica Go Bills" is, uh, actually Spanish for "Young girl, go Bills."
Winston: Who's gonna mess with a guy who's wearing a hat that says, "Young girl, go Bills?" I mean, the answer is everybody. They will, they mess with you.

Quote from Nick

Walt Miller: And so Nickels comes into my room screaming, "Daddy, Daddy." So I go, "What's wrong?" He says, "Daddy, I have a tick at the end of my tinkle."
Nick: Oh, my God! This is not a story for everyone.
Walt Miller: And sure enough, there is a tick at the end of his little penis.
Nick: Not a story for this moment.
Walt Miller: That's how he got the nickname "Little penis."
Nick: Oh, stop calling me that.

Quote from Winston

Walt Miller: What are we gonna do with this guy?
Winston: I have no idea, Pop-Pop.
Nick: Don't call him Pop-Pop.
Winston: That's his nickname.
Nick: The nickname is longer than Walt.
Winston: But that's the nickname that I gave him.
Nick: Yeah, but it's really weird that you call my dad Pop-Pop.
Walt Miller: I like Pop-Pop.
Winston: You don't get it. You don't get it.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know, when Nick is not working here, the service is abysmal. I mean, how many times did I have to repeat the words, "Lemon Drop shot"?
Cece: Yeah, I think he was making fun of you.
Schmidt: For what? Working hard and playing hard? I guess the joke is on me.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Back at the tracks with my dad.
Walt Miller: When Nick was a kid, he would come to the track with me all the time. And if I got in trouble, he would get me out of it by doing the Sugar Ray.
Nick: Oh, the Sugar Ray.
Jess: What's a Sugar Ray?
Nick: It's when I pretend to be a diabetic kid so the man who is threatening to beat up my father would run off scared.
Walt Miller: You see, we did have some good times, didn't we?

Quote from Robby

Robby: Schmidt.
Schmidt: Robby? Robby, what are, what are you doing here, man?
Robby: I'm spying on Cece.
Schmidt: Cece.
Robby: You know, I'm still in love with her, so... this is pretty much your basic broken-hearted spying thing. It's why I got this hat.
Schmidt: Aw, come on, Robby, you got to get over that.
Robby: Wait a second, are you spying on Cece, too?
Schmidt: [scoffs] No. What?
Robby: Are you still in love with Cece?
Schmidt: No, that's still... Yes, I am. It's killing me.
Robby: Me, too! Bring it in, man.

Quote from Jess

Jess: This is a very sad case. I mean...
Walt Miller: My niece, she goes to veterinary school. We're all very proud of her.
Jess: Top of my class.
Walt Miller: So, what do you, uh, what do you think?
Jess: Terrible horse. She's very sickly.
Walt Miller: He. He... He.
Jess: He... He. Oh! I wish I had brought my stethoscope. I'm seeing a lot of split ends. The mane is totally the wrong cut for the shape of his face.
Walt Miller: So you're saying that this horse, right now, the way it is, will never race again?
Jess: Damn it, Uncle Buck! This horse will never race again! Why did you fly me all the way out from Grenada if you weren't gonna listen to me? [quietly] Yes, con!
Walt Miller: Shh, shh, shh!

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay, there are people in life who you want to be unpredictable. Your pothead neighbor, or Vice President Joe Biden. And then there are people who you don't want to be unpredictable, like your dentist, or, I don't know, your father.
Winston: Look, Nick, my dad left when I was three. Every single day, rain or shine, he just never came back. I wish he'd been a little bit more unpredictable; that's all I'm saying.

Quote from Robby

Robby: Check this out. We get seersucker suits...
Schmidt: Yeah.
Robby: And two more guys, and then we serenade her with a barbershop quartet.
Schmidt: Well, if we got ten more guys and a plan, we'd form an Ocean's Twelve. I would be Brad Pitt, you'd be the crafty Asian fellow who does the, uh, who does the flippies.
Robby: Oh, I got a great idea. We can name a star after her, all right? I know this Web site, and we could put one that's right near the Robbies one through eight.
Schmidt: You have eight stars?
Robby: There's, like, a billion stars, they're really cheap.
Schmidt: But eight of them are yours?
Robby: That's only going to go up in value.
Schmidt: It's a horrible investment. I know she's into that Gandhi crapola. We could self-immolate.
Robby: I feel like we're so close.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt & Robby: [banging on Cece's door] Cool... Guy... Power! Cool... Guy... Power! Cool Guy Power! Cool Guy Power! Cool ... hey.
Cece: Is this happening?
Schmidt: Yes.
Cece: Why are the two of you even together?
Schmidt: Are you wearing a traditional sari?
Cece: Yes.
Schmidt: I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios.
Cece: Shh!
Schmidt: "Monsoon Bedding." "The Best Erotic Mari-bone Hotel."
Cece: Stop that.
Schmidt: "Slum-Doggy-Style Millionaire" But, what, you're wearing the sari for who? Let me see this guy.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Oh, my God. Are you... you're having an orgy here? - Mm-mm. This is a big Indian orgy?
Cece: Oh, for God sakes.
Robby: They're all wearing their clothes...
Schmidt: I'm telling you, it's an orgy.

Quote from Robby

Robby: Oh, that's Pavun. Oh, my God, look at this guy, he's gorgeous.
Schmidt: What are you talking about?
Robby: I don't have a chance here. Look at his features.
Schmidt: Look at your features, man. You're just as gorgeous. I mean, kind of. You're kind, you always have gum... and you've got so much pep.
Robby: You know what, look.. You are confident, and you're punctual, and you came up with this awesome plan.
Schmidt: Yeah, we came up with this awesome plan. Together.
Robby: You know what, screw it, I don't even care anymore. White Guy Power! That's "white guy."
Schmidt: All right, man. Let's do it. All right.
Robby: White Guy Power.
Schmidt: You got to quit it with that, man. I'm telling you, it's a little racist.

Quote from Jess

Nick: Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink, put some goggles on. Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes. It's a bigger target.
Jess: Walt's gone. I know how hard it was for you to talk to him, and I just... some people, I just don't under... they just ... aah! And I understand why you want to break pipes now. Let's just drink a bunch and destroy the sink.

Quote from Nick

Nick: No. Look, Jess... people don't change. If someone's broken, they just stay broken.
Jess: You're not broken.
Nick: I'm a little broken.
Jess: No, no, no... no.
Nick: Oh, yeah.
Jess: You should be so much worse. Seriously, you could be picking up calls on a banana. You could be, like, "Hello?" I don't know how you made it out. But... you're good.
Nick: Well, look, there's a lot I don't tell you. I haven't done laundry in five months. I'm not wearing underwear. I'm just wearing a big sock right now.
Jess: Really.
Nick: A big sock. A very big sock.
Jess: I got it.


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