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‘Coach’ Quotes

New Girl: Coach

307. Coach

Aired November 5, 2013

When Coach returns to the loft, the guys find themselves reverting to their old partying ways.

Quote from Winston

Nick: You want to drunk fight a cop?
Coach: He stole my girlfriend.
Winston: Did you hear the joke about the two black guys and two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out.

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Quote from Coach

Schmidt: Good to have you back, old man. So, what, uh, you and Malia broke up?
Coach: Oh, yeah. She got real fat on me, so I was, like, "Ew. Bye."
Jess: I guess her gain is our gain!
Coach: Who are you?
Nick: Hey, come... Come on, man.
Jess: It's me, Jess.
Coach: Ah, yeah, no.
Jess: We lived together for, like, two weeks. We shared some pretty big moments.
[flashback:]
Coach: Yes! We got Bin Laden!
Jess: SEAL Team 6, bitches! [high five] Yeah! [high five] Yeah! [high-five] Yeah!
[present:]
Coach: Huh. I thought I was alone for that.
Jess: You weren't.

Quote from Schmidt

Nick: Let's just get Coach really drunk until he passes out. Then we take him home. Shot contest. Like in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm not ripping a page from that pro-Nazi film.
Nick: It isn't pro-Nazi.
Schmidt: Of course it is. It might as well be an SS propaganda movie.
Nick: No, everybody in a Nazi uniform literally dies.
Schmidt: Yeah, the... When she puts the hand into the, uh...
Nick: The heart.
Schmidt: No, not... Well, that happens, too. Nazis.
Nick: I don't think that makes you a Nazi.
Schmidt: They ate the monkey brains, and there was all the bugs. Nazi, Nazi.

Quote from Jess

Cece: Men suck.
Jess: Nick isn't even a man.
Cece: Mm-mm.
Jess: He's like some man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day, I had to tell him not to pull a dog's tail. I shouldn't have to do that.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh, which one of y'all want a lap dance, because WB just hit the ATM.
Coach: Oh, hold up. Shrimp Forks, why'd you get so much Bunny Money?
Winston: What is Bunny Money?
Nick: That is Bunny Money. That's not real money. Look at the bill.
Winston: President Rabbit with two big ass jugs. Damn, man.
Schmidt: It's fine. As long as you didn't take out too much, you're okay.
Winston: Hey, Schmidt, I took out $2,000. [others laugh]
Coach: You keep making mistakes, Winston.

Quote from Coach

Coach: I need everyone to shut up and answer one... simple... question! You sons a bitches ready to party?
All: Yeah!

Quote from Coach

Coach: Anyway, I'm single, and me and my boys are gonna get crazy tonight! Huh? You know what I'm talking about, Shrimp Forks.
Schmidt: Oh, man.
Nick: Oh, no.
Jess: What's Shrimp Forks?
Coach: It's a name I gave Winston when we played hoops. The ball used to always slip through his little, small girly hands.
[flashback:]
Winston: Winston Bishop, point guard [drops ball] Winston Bishop, point guard, R- [drops ball] Point guard, R [drops ball]
[present:]
Nick: He couldn't palm an apple. Old Shrimp Forks.

Quote from Jess

Cece: I'd make him jealous.
Jess: Yeah, right, yeah.
Cece: And there are a lot of guys out there that want to hook up with you.
Jess: There is this one guy, Artie, from the coffee shop who asked me out.
[flashback:]
Artie: Oh, actually, you have my number. So give me a call. Maybe we can go out sometime.
Jess: Shut your face!

Quote from Jess

Cece: You should maybe give this guy, Artie, a call and see...
Jess: No, that's too real. That's just way too real.
Cece: Then why do you have his number in your phone?
Jess: I just like looking at it. It's not weird.
Cece: No.
Jess: But it has, like a lot of fours in it. You know, you know what I mean?
Cece: No, I don't.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That man has so much confidence. It's amazing.
Nick: Until the morning? I can't do this, Schmidt. I'm having anxiety here.
Schmidt: I have an 8:00 a.m. presentation. That means I have to get there at 7:45 to lower everyone's chairs.

Quote from Jess

Artie: Oh, looks like you could use a new drink. Barkeep, can I please get a Shirley Temple with a finger of coconut rum and a lemon squeeze?
Jess: I call it a Temple Grandin because it makes friendly and compassionate. [laughs] I have a boyfriend.
Cece: No, she... No, she doesn't.
Jess: Yeah, I do. She do.
Cece: No.
Artie: Obviously, this is a bad time, and, uh, you're involved.
Jess: In some shape or other.
Cece: No, no, no. She's free as a bird.
Jess: Cece.
Artie: All right, well, he's a very lucky man. I hope he realizes that. Oh, don't move. You've got an eyelash. There we go. Make a wish.
Jess: I'm afraid to.
Artie: All right, take care.
Cece: Big mistake.
Jess: I shook his hand. I had my fun.

Quote from Winston

Bartender: Uh, all sales of Bunny Money are final.
Winston: How am I supposed to spend $2,000 on dancers?
Bartender: Oh, no. Our dancers don't take it.
Winston: What?
Bartender: However, uh, Bunny Money is redeemable at the bar, our gift shop and our sister club in Fort Myers, Florida.
Winston: What?!

Quote from Jess

Artie: Nick's at a strip club, but he's just being a normal guy in his 20s that wants to hang out with other guys in their 20s.
Jess: They're all in their 30s.
Artie: Hmm.
Jess: Yeah. Enough about Nick. What do you do when you're not making coffee at the coffee shop?
Artie: Well, actually, I own the coffee shop.
Jess: What?
Artie: It's not as glamorous as you may think. It's a lot of spreadsheets and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice.
Jess: Nick's never been to Brazil.
Artie: Maybe you should step away. You know, call Nick up and hash things out.
Jess: Hmm-mm, can't call Nick 'cause then he'll know I'm thinking about him.
Artie: Ah.
Jess: And then he wins.
Artie: Maybe you both win.
Jess: Say Brazil again.
Artie: Brazil.
Jess: [chuckles] Say "rubber baby buggy bumpers."
Artie: Rubber babby buggy bumpers.
Jess: Oh, my God!

Quote from Jess

Artie: Hey, I think you guys have had enough. Why don't you let me give you a ride home?
Jess: Wait, you weren't drinking?
Artie: Oh, no, no, no, I don't drink. I got to get a jump on the morning.
Jess: Well, you really have it together. I bet you can use a phone, too.
Artie: Your bar for having it together is set pretty low.
Cece: I don't think this is such a good idea. We can just grab a cab home.
Jess: Cece, this was your idea. Artie, can we take your jet?
Artie: Oh, it's just one coffee shop.
Jess: Wouldn't you like to know?

Quote from Winston

Winston: I bet I get left with the fare. I just bet... Hey, driver, let me just ask you something. Do you like strippers? Do you also like the deal of a lifetime?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Thanks for the ride, Artie. Bathroom's down the hall. It's the one with the urinals. I do live with men. Nay, boys. [to Cece] Look, if he can pee in Brazil, he can pee at my house.
Cece: Do you actually like this guy?
Jess: What? No, no. Nick couldn't call me his girlfriend, and that hurt. Now I want to hurt him back with some long, hot conversation.
Cece: That's what you really want to do?
Jess: Yes. Men suck, remember?
Cece: I'm sorry about saying that, because I put that on you, all right? That's because I'm going through something right now with Schmidt. You have Nick.
Jess: Nick's a child who drinks on Tuesdays.
Cece: You're drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher.
Jess: Oh, those kids are watching a movie tomorrow.

Quote from Winston

Coach: Let's go, Shrimp Forks.
Winston: Coach, Shrimp Forks? Come on, man, that makes no sense. I played professional basketball. You got to stop calling me that.
Coach: I'm sorry, man. Hop along, Bunny Money.
Winston: Better than Shrimp Forks. I'll take that.
Schmidt: Fantastic. It only cost you $2,000.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Where's Winston with the food?
Winston: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It was crazy at the V-Rab. Bachelor party season. I got a deep-dish gyrator, no mushrooms.
Coach: That's me.
Jess: Don't call it V-Rab. Please.
Winston: I got the main stage fish tacos.
Nick: No regrets. Great order.
Winston: Pour some sugar on meatballs?
Jess: Oh, that's me. Thank you.
Winston: Let's see, and I got the short stack ass-clap pancakes.


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