Jess: You can't let her do this! We have to keep fighting!
Schmidt: She's taking me to a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a carniceria tomorrow. You know, Jess, I really think that she may be grooming me to be her arm candy. This could be a real Bill and Hillary situation.
Jess: You, sir, are no Bill Clinton.
Schmidt: I know. I'm Hillary.
Jess: Well, you're not Hillary, either!
Schmidt: I am, too, Hillary!

Fawn Moscato: Make sure they're sharp. It's political suicide to not cut the ribbon on the first try.
Schmidt: Of course. Look, if there's anyone who understand the importance of a sharp knife, it's a Jewish man.

Schmidt: Can I try on your uniform?
Winston: No, this uniform is for official police business.
[cut to Schmidt wearing Winston's uniform:]
Jess: [whoops] Yeah.
Winston: Looking good, man.
Schmidt: Yeah. We got a code Jewish, code Jewish.
Winston: You under "ch'arrest."

Jess: So you're taking her out to dinner? That's your plan?
Schmidt: I'm intoxicating a single, overworked public official with the pleasure of my company. Which I will then parlay into getting her to fix our problem. Are my sleeves even? This is ridiculous. You know, my new tailor sews like an army medic. I'm not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.

Jess: Well, don't worry, 'cause I have called the city's automated help desk and I've also sent out an e-mail to [email protected], so action has been taken.
Schmidt: Jess, don't you know how democracy works? We need to get out there and grease palms, blackmail people. We need to send them an envelope filled with fake blood and... and a note that says... "I know."
Jess: What? [Winston clears throat]
Schmidt: As if... as if... we know what's really going on.
Winston: Schmidt, you do realize you're saying this in front of a police officer.
Schmidt: I'm so sorry.
Winston: A little respect.

Nick: He's got a partner.
Coach: I forgot about the partner.
Nick: That's huge.
Coach: We're silly.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Winston: It's supposed to be a real bad-ass, too. Was in a biker gang for three years, undercover. Can't go back to Arizona no more.
Coach: Is that True Detective?
Winston: Apparently eats bullets as a party trick.

Jess: Oh, there's councilwoman Fawn Moscato. She's from our district.
Schmidt: Yummo. Where do I place my ballot?
Jess: She better get ready, 'cause she's about to have a very friendly conversation with a concerned citizen... bro.
Schmidt: Okay, Jess, it's not gonna do anything. Won't make a difference. Like what I did there with the ballot thing? It was a good joke, right? Didn't get the reaction I thought it was gonna get from you guys.
Ryan: No, we got it.
Cece: We got it, bro.
Schmidt: Oh, I get it. And you know what, I've seen the Bollywood movies, I've seen the UK Office. Not a fan, not a fan.

Nick: I don't like this.
Coach: Mm-mm.
Nick: His training officer can't protect him!
Coach: She's too tiny.
Nick: She looks like she won the silver medal in Athens for the balance beam.
Coach: Girl could drown in a raindrop.
Nick: I mean, that's girl's... I mean, she... I can't think of one 'cause I'm so worried about Winston!
Coach: I'm worried about him too, but I can still think of them.
Nick: Uh, girl's so, uh... Ugh!
Coach: She looks like a Persian Webster.
Nick: Ah... Girl's like a pepperoni.

Schmidt: Hey, listen, I wanted to warn you. My roommates have recruited a gang of derelicts to... to protest the council meeting.
Fawn Moscato: If only there was someone who could oppose them. Of course, I can't, because it's technically a citizens' forum.
Schmidt: Are you saying that I should?
Fawn Moscato: I'm not saying anything.
Schmidt: Oh. Okay. You're trying to manipulate me again. You must think that I'm a real shmendrick. Well, hello there.
Fawn Moscato: When we're in public, let's just tone down the Jewish thing, okay?
Schmidt: Let's tone down the Jewish thing. I can do that. 100%. Let's tone down the Jewish... Hey, by the way, sir, thank you so much for keeping the councilwoman safe.
Man: Five stars for Arman!
Fawn Moscato: He's an Uber driver. I'm a councilwoman, not a senator.

Schmidt: Please take me back. Look, I was duped by a doe-eyed pixie and her Indian henchwoman. Forgive me.
Fawn Moscato: It's fine. It actually worked out. You were such a jackass up there that no one who supported the construction will be able to hold it against me. Plus, I picked up a ton of votes. Or as I like to call them... tiny orgasms.
Schmidt: So let me get this straight: You let me humiliate myself, in public, for your own political gain?
Fawn Moscato: Hmm. Yes.
Schmidt: You're the sexiest woman that I've ever met.
Fawn Moscato: Ah...
Schmidt: Ms. Moscato, wherever you're going, take me with you.
Fawn Moscato: Please... it's "Councilwoman." [they kiss] And I'll call you when I need you.
Schmidt: That is gonna be... so frustrating. But I love it.