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‘Shark’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

New Girl: Shark

412. Shark

Aired January 6, 2015

Coach and Nick are nervous when Winston starts his job as a police officer. Meanwhile, Jess wants Schmidt to manipulate a local politician who approved night-time construction outside the loft.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: You can't let her do this! We have to keep fighting!
Schmidt: She's taking me to a ribbon-cutting ceremony at a carniceria tomorrow. You know, Jess, I really think that she may be grooming me to be her arm candy. This could be a real Bill and Hillary situation.
Jess: You, sir, are no Bill Clinton.
Schmidt: I know. I'm Hillary.
Jess: Well, you're not Hillary, either!
Schmidt: I am, too, Hillary!

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Quote from Schmidt

Fawn Moscato: Make sure they're sharp. It's political suicide to not cut the ribbon on the first try.
Schmidt: Of course. Look, if there's anyone who understand the importance of a sharp knife, it's a Jewish man.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Can I try on your uniform?
Winston: No, this uniform is for official police business.
[cut to Schmidt wearing Winston's uniform:]
Jess: [whoops] Yeah.
Winston: Looking good, man.
Schmidt: Yeah. We got a code Jewish, code Jewish.
Winston: You under "ch'arrest."

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: So you're taking her out to dinner? That's your plan?
Schmidt: I'm intoxicating a single, overworked public official with the pleasure of my company. Which I will then parlay into getting her to fix our problem. Are my sleeves even? This is ridiculous. You know, my new tailor sews like an army medic. I'm not being overdramatic when I say that I would rather sit naked on a hot grill than wear something off the rack.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Well, don't worry, 'cause I have called the city's automated help desk and I've also sent out an e-mail to [email protected]gov, so action has been taken.
Schmidt: Jess, don't you know how democracy works? We need to get out there and grease palms, blackmail people. We need to send them an envelope filled with fake blood and... and a note that says... "I know."
Jess: What? [Winston clears throat]
Schmidt: As if... as if... we know what's really going on.
Winston: Schmidt, you do realize you're saying this in front of a police officer.
Schmidt: I'm so sorry.
Winston: A little respect.

Quote from Winston

Nick: He's got a partner.
Coach: I forgot about the partner.
Nick: That's huge.
Coach: We're silly.
Nick: Yeah. Yeah.
Winston: It's supposed to be a real bad-ass, too. Was in a biker gang for three years, undercover. Can't go back to Arizona no more.
Coach: Is that True Detective?
Winston: Apparently eats bullets as a party trick.

Quote from Schmidt

Jess: Oh, there's councilwoman Fawn Moscato. She's from our district.
Schmidt: Yummo. Where do I place my ballot?
Jess: She better get ready, 'cause she's about to have a very friendly conversation with a concerned citizen... bro.
Schmidt: Okay, Jess, it's not gonna do anything. Won't make a difference. Like what I did there with the ballot thing? It was a good joke, right? Didn't get the reaction I thought it was gonna get from you guys.
Ryan: No, we got it.
Cece: We got it, bro.
Schmidt: Oh, I get it. And you know what, I've seen the Bollywood movies, I've seen the UK Office. Not a fan, not a fan.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't like this.
Coach: Mm-mm.
Nick: His training officer can't protect him!
Coach: She's too tiny.
Nick: She looks like she won the silver medal in Athens for the balance beam.
Coach: Girl could drown in a raindrop.
Nick: I mean, that's girl's... I mean, she... I can't think of one 'cause I'm so worried about Winston!
Coach: I'm worried about him too, but I can still think of them.
Nick: Uh, girl's so, uh... Ugh!
Coach: She looks like a Persian Webster.
Nick: Ah... Girl's like a pepperoni.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Hey, listen, I wanted to warn you. My roommates have recruited a gang of derelicts to... to protest the council meeting.
Fawn Moscato: If only there was someone who could oppose them. Of course, I can't, because it's technically a citizens' forum.
Schmidt: Are you saying that I should?
Fawn Moscato: I'm not saying anything.
Schmidt: Oh. Okay. You're trying to manipulate me again. You must think that I'm a real shmendrick. Well, hello there.
Fawn Moscato: When we're in public, let's just tone down the Jewish thing, okay?
Schmidt: Let's tone down the Jewish thing. I can do that. 100%. Let's tone down the Jewish... Hey, by the way, sir, thank you so much for keeping the councilwoman safe.
Man: Five stars for Arman!
Fawn Moscato: He's an Uber driver. I'm a councilwoman, not a senator.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Please take me back. Look, I was duped by a doe-eyed pixie and her Indian henchwoman. Forgive me.
Fawn Moscato: It's fine. It actually worked out. You were such a jackass up there that no one who supported the construction will be able to hold it against me. Plus, I picked up a ton of votes. Or as I like to call them... tiny orgasms.
Schmidt: So let me get this straight: You let me humiliate myself, in public, for your own political gain?
Fawn Moscato: Hmm. Yes.
Schmidt: You're the sexiest woman that I've ever met.
Fawn Moscato: Ah...
Schmidt: Ms. Moscato, wherever you're going, take me with you.
Fawn Moscato: Please... it's "Councilwoman." [they kiss] And I'll call you when I need you.
Schmidt: That is gonna be... so frustrating. But I love it.

Quote from Schmidt

Winston: How do I look? What do you guys think?
Schmidt: Not bad, Winston. I'll tell you what, man... you look like the funny guy from Police Academy who does the... the voices, - and different sounds.
Winston: [imitates radio beeping and siren wailing]
Schmidt: God, I wish marketers had a uniform.

Quote from Jess

Jess: [construction clatter begins in distance] To Winston Bishop, owner of cats, taker of baths, graduate of the LAPD. [workman shouts, clatter and banging continue] We are so... I'm so proud of you!
Winston: What?
Jess: I'm so proud of you.
Winston: You're proud of me?
Jess: Oh! When is this night construction gonna stop?
Winston: I actually don't mind it. Gets me ready for all the loud action on the job, you know what I mean?

Quote from Coach

Nick: I can't believe Winston's gonna be a cop. I mean, he's the gentlest person I know. He once broke his arm wrapping presents.
Coach: Remember when he made this? [holds a cat bowl labeled "my cat"] He's the sweetest guy in the world, man. He's just so nice and... vulnerable.
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: Although... Don't know what this is for. [holds a cat bowl reading "Winston"]

Quote from Jess

Jess: I've had a report of people acting lame back here.
Schmidt: [o.s.] Ow, Jess!
Jess: Also, I tazed Schmidt.
Winston: All right, seriously... no more playing with the uniform.

Quote from Coach

Announcer: Officer Leslie Biggins.
Cece: Okay, Biggins, so Bishop's gonna be next, okay? Come on.
Nick: All right, here we go. [all stand up]
Announcer: Officer Hank Bishop.
Coach: Eh... [all sit down]
Jess: Oh, that one.
Announcer: Officer Win... [all stand up] ... field Bishop.
Schmidt: Ooh. [all sit down] Well that's gonna cause a lot of mix-ups over at the station.
Announcer: Officer Winston Bishop.
All: Oh! [whooping]
Nick: Winston...
All: [chanting] Winston, Winston, Winston, Winston, Winston,
Coach: Yes! Winnie! [horn blares]
Jess: Aah!
Coach: Sorry.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Wow, a lot of city officials around here. Maybe somebody can help us with our noise problem.
Schmidt: Okay, enough of this by-the-book nonsense. It's time to play hardball. Be a shark, Jess. Not a dolphin.
Jess: Right. So I shouldn't be the smartest and friendliest creature in the ocean? That makes sense, bro.
Schmidt: Sharks eat whatever they want. Dolphins... they jump through hoops, so, yeah, I think it does make sense.
Jess: No, it's awesome, bro.
Schmidt: Okay, stop mockingly saying "bro."

Quote from Cece

Ryan: My uncle was arrested for having sex with a dolphin.
Jess: What?
Schmidt: What?
Ryan: Carry on.
Cece: I'm having a lot of difficulty nailing you down, Ryan.

Quote from Winston

Coach: So, Winnie, where's your bad-ass training officer?
Winston: Oh, guys, I would like for you to meet the person who will be training me as I brave the mean streets of L.A.: Officer Aly Nelson.
Nick: She's so small.
Winston: What... say...
Aly: Excuse me?
Nick: You're so small, you're...
Aly: What is happening?
Coach: I think what he was trying to say was that, um...
Aly: Yeah?
Coach: we were expecting someone who looks a little more like a cop in the traditional sense.
Nick: That's what I meant.
Winston: No, no, no...
Aly: Wow.
Coach: I'm not trying to offend you, we were just expecting, like, uh, either a really strong man or kind of like a guy with, like, a mustache.
Aly: Got it. And flowers are a... that's a normal thing to give to a grown man? Or are they trees? I can't tell, I'm so small. Cool friends, Bishop.
Winston: No, wait, Officer Nelson, just... Thank you. Thank you very much, you guys. Oh, also, thank you for the flowers. And just so we're clear... the first thank you was sarcastic, because you embarrassed me, but the second thank you was sincere as hell, because these flowers are glorious.

Quote from Jess

Fawn Moscato: I'm sorry about the construction noise... it's an issue close to my heart... I do charity work with deaf children. Of course, they would welcome the noise, because it would mean they could hear. Let me let you in on a little secret. Just go to the public works web site and download this form.
Jess: You're a dear, Fawn. [Fawn laughs] I made a pun and I didn't know it.
Fawn Moscato: You're too much. [to Schmidt] Oh. Hi.
Jess: Schmidt, this is Fawn Moscato. She was just giving me a shortcut to file some complaints about the noise. [whispers] Looks like someone brought a shark to the dolphin show. [squeaks] That's a dolphin noise.
Ah. Very good.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Councilwoman Moscato, excuse my trembling, but it's an honor.
Fawn Moscato: Your head is enormous.
Schmidt: Why, thank you.

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