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‘Heat Wave’ Quotes

New Girl: Heat Wave

509. Heat Wave

Aired March 1, 2016

When a heat wave hits the city, Nick refuses to hang out in Reagan's air-conditioned room. Meanwhile, Winston finds his "cop voice".

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Real après-ski vibe. I feel like I'm in Gstaad. Gstaad's all about après-ski.
Winston: Well, it's nice in the summer, too.
Schmidt: Oh, have you been?
Winston: Have you?
Schmidt: Have you?
Winston: Have you been, is the real question.
Schmidt: Have-have you been to Gstaad?
Reagan: Wh... I... What does it matter? Just tell the truth. Have you been there? Have you been there?
Winston: I'm sorry, have you?
Reagan: No, I haven't been there.
Winston: Well...
Reagan: Should I be ashamed of that, or can we all just tell the truth about whether we've been to... "Shtaad."
Schmidt: Please. It's "Gstaad."
Reagan: Shaad.
Winston: Shtaad.
Cece: No one in this room has been to Gstaad.

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Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: This heat is untenable. It's like a Jewfro apocalypse in here. I look like a '70s divorce attorney.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Thank you, Reagan. Finally, we can stop living like people in a beer commercial before the beer shows up.

Quote from Winston

Cece: The audition's just for gas station TV, okay? Nobody watches it.
Winston: Don't you dare downplay it. I adore gas station television, I mean, myself, personally. It is the intersection between information and also gas.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: Please just come into my room? It's right there.
Nick: It's not even hot in reality.
Reagan: You're obviously suffering from heat exhaustion.
Nick: It's like a crisp Vermont November. Apple cider, football weather. Don't jump in a pile of leaves. There might be a dead dog in there.
Reagan: You're slurring your speech. Soon you're gonna get dizzy, you're gonna get cramps.
Nick: Why do you care so much, Reagan?
Reagan: Because you look like a dying man on a hospital show.

Quote from Nick

Nick: So we don't have A/C. You guys are going to love this. I invented something even better. It's called the Ranch System. The Ranch System for Cooling. This is one of my best inventions. Reagan's going to freak out when she sees it. Check it out. We've got a combination of cool winds, a-a cool, chilly pond, you wear white jeans 'cause they don't absorb heat... that's actually science, I did research.
Winston: You know, science aside, man, you working those jeans.
Nick: Oh, thanks for saying that, man. I was insecure about the way they looked.
Winston: You killing it, man.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: I will be putting the A/C in my room and everyone is welcome.
Nick: No, thank you. We're good. I speak for all of us.
Reagan: Well, we are observing gym rules, so make sure you wipe down anything you plan to sit on.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: That's right. Cece, today it's gas, tomorrow, it's local news... the next thing you know, you're reporting diabetes statistics as we all watch B-roll of fat people walking across the street.

Quote from Winston

Winston: What the hell was all that coddling?
Schmidt: Whoa.
Winston: What are you, a big-bosomed grandma? Tough love! Make her go!
Schmidt: Don't tell me what to do! I'm her fiancé, not some schnook off the street eating a peanut butter cookie. It's my job to give her love and support. That's how I get her to go to the audition.
Winston: As a cop, do you think I would get anyone to do anything i I were being kind and supportive? Hell no! Look, I have recently found my cop voice and I'll tell you this: it is very effective.
Schmidt: Is that what you've been practicing in the bathroom?
[flashback:]
Winston: Everybody stop! Make a left turn! [high, wavering] You have the right to remain silent! You... [elegant] Freeze! Nah. [over-enunciated] Three hundred and three thousand thelonious thistles... [climbing vocal scale] Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs. [deep] Freeze! [normal] Ooh, ooh. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Down on the ground, fugitive of the law. [descending vocal scale] Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, Handcuffs, handcuffs.
[present:]
Winston: Those were just my warmups.

Quote from Nick

Reagan: You wanted to impress me because you have a crush on me.
Nick: [laughs] It's nice to get a good laugh in this heat. I need a laugh. It's too hot not to laugh. Lord knows it!
Reagan: You do.
Nick: I don't have a crush on you. You're very conceited. And I don't mean to burst your bubble here, missy, but I am not out here because of my "so-called crush on you," based on my actions that led you to believe I have a crush on you." I am out here because I have never been more comfortable in my entire life. Okay, you know what? Just go get! Winston and I don't need you, sister.
Reagan: Oh, you mean Winston, like, this Winston?
Nick: What do you mean, like this... Oh, Winston.
Winston: I'm really sorry.
Nick: It's fine, it's fine. Who needs you? 'Cause the hottest part of the day is already over.
Reagan: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Nick: Then tell me this: why did I just eat lunch? Why did I just eat lunch?

Quote from Winston

Winston: [chuckling] Another guy just collapsed out there. Oh, but the Good Samaritan to the rescue. Oh, damn. Good Samaritan just collapsed. Oh! And UPS guy to the rescue! And the UPS guy just collapsed. Ah, lady stealing packages... Ah... Oh! And the lady just collapsed. Whoo. You know, I'm actually kind of getting chilly in here.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [to Schmidt] You leave me with no choice.
Schmidt: What are you doing?
Winston: [to Cece] Ma'am! I'm gonna ask that you please remove your headphones now!
Cece: What?
Winston: Do you know why I asked you to remove your headphones?
Cece: Why are you talking so loud? Do you have a cranberry stuck in your ear again?
Schmidt: Winston found his cop voice.
Cece: Oh...
Winston: Ma'am! Why are you avoiding an audition when you know damn well it's important to you?
Schmidt: Don't do this.
Winston: Get back in your vehicle, immediately! Ma'am, please answer the question. Why are you avoiding an audition? And do not say that you are not, because I know that you are, so tell me why! Why?! Why?! Why?! Now, damn it, speak!
Cece: What if I'm not good enough? It's my dream job, and what if I can't do it, okay?
Schmidt: What? Cece, you're the most talented...
Winston: Sir, stand down!
Schmidt: Winston, you stand down. Go play softball against the fire department or whatever it is you do.
Winston: That's not till Wednesday.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: You know that thing you said before about you not being talented enough? You didn't mean that, right?
Cece: Yeah, I did. Newscasters are amazing.
Schmidt: But so are you.
Cece: Come on, Schmidt, okay? I'm a bartender and a model.
Schmidt: [Southern accent] Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to step out of the vehicle.
Winston: Yes, do it, baby.
Cece: "Vehicle"? What vehicle?
Schmidt: The metaphorical vehicle that is holding you back.
Cece: Oh.
Winston: Don't explain yourself. Just go with it.
Schmidt: You are a brilliant, amazing woman, who is capable of anything.
Winston: Okay, maybe drop the Southern accent.
Schmidt: [New York accent] What, you got mozzarell in your ears? You're, uh, get out of your own way, lady, huh?
Winston: Uh, tr-try, Law & Order... uh, Hargitay.
Schmidt: I've got a past and it affects my job. And my relationships... I can't really do a Mariska.


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