Schmidt: Real après-ski vibe. I feel like I'm in Gstaad. Gstaad's all about après-ski.
Winston: Well, it's nice in the summer, too.
Schmidt: Oh, have you been?
Winston: Have you?
Schmidt: Have you?
Winston: Have you been, is the real question.
Schmidt: Have-have you been to Gstaad?
Reagan: Wh... I... What does it matter? Just tell the truth. Have you been there? Have you been there?
Winston: I'm sorry, have you?
Reagan: No, I haven't been there.
Winston: Well...
Reagan: Should I be ashamed of that, or can we all just tell the truth about whether we've been to... "Shtaad."
Schmidt: Please. It's "Gstaad."
Reagan: Shaad.
Winston: Shtaad.
Cece: No one in this room has been to Gstaad.

Schmidt: This heat is untenable. It's like a Jewfro apocalypse in here. I look like a '70s divorce attorney.

Reagan: Please just come into my room? It's right there.
Nick: It's not even hot in reality.
Reagan: You're obviously suffering from heat exhaustion.
Nick: It's like a crisp Vermont November. Apple cider, football weather. Don't jump in a pile of leaves. There might be a dead dog in there.
Reagan: You're slurring your speech. Soon you're gonna get dizzy, you're gonna get cramps.
Nick: Why do you care so much, Reagan?
Reagan: Because you look like a dying man on a hospital show.

Schmidt: Thank you, Reagan. Finally, we can stop living like people in a beer commercial before the beer shows up.

Cece: The audition's just for gas station TV, okay? Nobody watches it.
Winston: Don't you dare downplay it. I adore gas station television, I mean, myself, personally. It is the intersection between information and also gas.

Nick: So we don't have A/C. You guys are going to love this. I invented something even better. It's called the Ranch System. The Ranch System for Cooling. This is one of my best inventions. Reagan's going to freak out when she sees it. Check it out. We've got a combination of cool winds, a-a cool, chilly pond, you wear white jeans 'cause they don't absorb heat... that's actually science, I did research.
Winston: You know, science aside, man, you working those jeans.
Nick: Oh, thanks for saying that, man. I was insecure about the way they looked.
Winston: You killing it, man.

Reagan: I will be putting the A/C in my room and everyone is welcome.
Nick: No, thank you. We're good. I speak for all of us.
Reagan: Well, we are observing gym rules, so make sure you wipe down anything you plan to sit on.

Schmidt: That's right. Cece, today it's gas, tomorrow, it's local news... the next thing you know, you're reporting diabetes statistics as we all watch B-roll of fat people walking across the street.

Winston: What the hell was all that coddling?
Schmidt: Whoa.
Winston: What are you, a big-bosomed grandma? Tough love! Make her go!
Schmidt: Don't tell me what to do! I'm her fiancé, not some schnook off the street eating a peanut butter cookie. It's my job to give her love and support. That's how I get her to go to the audition.
Winston: As a cop, do you think I would get anyone to do anything i I were being kind and supportive? Hell no! Look, I have recently found my cop voice and I'll tell you this: it is very effective.
Schmidt: Is that what you've been practicing in the bathroom?
[flashback:]
Winston: Everybody stop! Make a left turn! [high, wavering] You have the right to remain silent! You... [elegant] Freeze! Nah. [over-enunciated] Three hundred and three thousand thelonious thistles... [climbing vocal scale] Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs. [deep] Freeze! [normal] Ooh, ooh. [as Arnold Schwarzenegger] Down on the ground, fugitive of the law. [descending vocal scale] Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs, Handcuffs, handcuffs.
[present:]
Winston: Those were just my warmups.

Reagan: You wanted to impress me because you have a crush on me.
Nick: [laughs] It's nice to get a good laugh in this heat. I need a laugh. It's too hot not to laugh. Lord knows it!
Reagan: You do.
Nick: I don't have a crush on you. You're very conceited. And I don't mean to burst your bubble here, missy, but I am not out here because of my "so-called crush on you," based on my actions that led you to believe I have a crush on you." I am out here because I have never been more comfortable in my entire life. Okay, you know what? Just go get! Winston and I don't need you, sister.
Reagan: Oh, you mean Winston, like, this Winston?
Nick: What do you mean, like this... Oh, Winston.
Winston: I'm really sorry.
Nick: It's fine, it's fine. Who needs you? 'Cause the hottest part of the day is already over.
Reagan: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Nick: Then tell me this: why did I just eat lunch? Why did I just eat lunch?