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‘Menzies’ Quotes

New Girl: Menzies

207. Menzies

Aired November 13, 2012

Jess's job search hits the rocks when her time of the month arrives. Winston believes he is experiencing PMS as well. Nick tries to come to grips with his anger. Meanwhile, Schmidt meets his new sex-charged boss.

Quote from Jess

Jess: It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
Winston: You know what? I feel the same way.
Jess: Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't want to hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that's where I'm at right now. Now which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job? Hmm? Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?

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Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Now, what are you going to do about it? How are you gonna pay the gas bill?
Jess: I don't know.
Nick: I've got an idea. Get a job.
Jess: The school year's already started. I have a lot of decisions to make as far as my résumé is concerned. I have to choose a font, spacing, columns...
Nick: Okay, just update your résumé, you ninny.

Quote from Nick

Nick: I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time.
Jess: You're irrationally angry 365 days a year, Nick.
Nick: What are you talking about?
[flashback to Nick struggling with a door:]
Nick: I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!
[present:]
Nick: Really? Well, that's just your personal opinion, 'cause I don't have anger issues. You guys think I have anger issues?
Schmidt: Well, I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
Winston: Been that way since I can remember.
[flashback to Young Nick at a lemonade stand:]
Young Nick: This is some watered-down nonsense. You're some no-good shysters!

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Well, I signed it. Please note the added provision.
Emma: In any autobiographical account of my life, you want to be referred to as Moises Perdue.
Schmidt: Non-negotiable.
Emma: But you're fine with the rest of it?
Schmidt: Look, I'm a depraved freak, and I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.

Quote from Nick

Nick: What is your name?! I can't keep thinking of you as my magical best friend with no name. Joe. Tommy. Louis. Tran. [he smiles] Is it Tran? What a crazy guess! Beautiful name. Fits you perfectly. My roommates are killing me. Fine, you're right. Okay, I like them, all right? I hate myself. Is that what you want me to say? Why do you always have to make everything so simple?! How do you just get it? How do I become you? Show me the way, man. I'll do anything. [Tran stands up and holds his hands out to Nick] All right, man, I'm in. You lead, my man. All right, whatever is about to happen's gonna happen. [they walk away holding hands]

Quote from Jess

Schmidt: Okay, gas, electric, and cable comes out to $219.34. Jessica? Do you have anything to contribute? Here we go.
Jess: They're not all legal tenders, but they have value, like...
Schmidt: Sure.
Jess: That's $5.00.
Schmidt: $5.00.
Jess: Library card. Library's not just for books any more.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm. Library card.
Jess: Also, you can check out compact discs.
Schmidt: What else? This is a fortune.
Jess: Um, yeah.
Schmidt: "You are lucky and success." How ironic. That's going right to the gas company. "Paid in full."

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: Jess, we can't keep covering for you.
Jess: Yes. I understand. It's just that, um... recently I went through a, uh, life change where I was fired. Maybe I can borrow the money from my good friend... Winston?
Winston: You know, I really wish I could, Jess, but, uh... I'm a single man now, so basically I have to be able to trick women into thinking that I can buy them stuff.

Quote from Nick

Nick: Please don't do that, sir. Please. I would love to sit by myself right now. There's something real creepy about you, pal. You want to get weird? Let's get weird. You got a nice face. [cut] Anger problem? Living with them? Are you kidding me? [cut] It's frustrating. It's like... just get a job. [cut] I like your hat. I like how it's not a team or a logo, it's just blue. [cut] Would you rather be covered in fish scales or feathers? Scales? Wow, you weirdo. [cut] You want to see me jump really high? Ha! Ah ha! [cut] I'm afraid of dying, man [cut] Who am I?! [cut] The enemy is en-e-my. The enemy is the inner me. [cut] Can you understand a word I'm saying? You just nod at everything. [cut] I need to change. And you've showed me that. I have an anger problem. Thank you. Can I get a hug?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: I met someone at work.
[flashback:]
Emma: Emma Sharpe. Divisional VP of all North America.
Schmidt: Wh-What are you doing in the break room?
Emma: This break room is in North America, isn't it? Sure. That means I'm the Vice President of it. [grabs Schmidt's face and bites his ear] I am the Vice President of everything in North America.
[present:]
Robby: That sounds like... sexual harassment.
Schmidt: Robby, there's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.
Cece: I thought you hated your co-workers. You said they were a bunch of...
Schmidt: Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks? Yeah, I know what I said. Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me.

Quote from Winston

Winston: You have to promise me you will not laugh.
Schmidt: Look, I'm... you're not talking to Nick, here. You're talking to Schmidt.
Winston: Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period.
Schmidt: [keeping a straight face] Okay.
Winston: This is a real thing, okay? I looked it up on the Internet. It's called, uh, "sympathy PMS," right? Now, apparently this is an affliction that men suffer from all the time.
Schmidt: Right on. [stifles a giggle]
Winston: I don't know how it happened, man, but somehow, I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation... and I got that menstruation inside of me.
Schmidt: Winston! Men can't get their periods. Where would they put the tampon?
Winston: Hey! Are you calling me stupid? You're the one that's stupid, okay? You jack-faced butthole!

Quote from Jess

Nick: Hey, gang, why is the water so cold?
Jess: Schmidt turned off the hot water, because it's not enough that I have to go on an interview with the red devil in my belly, I also have to go unshowered.
Nick: So let me get this straight, there's no hot water in the whole house?
Schmidt: Yeah.
Nick: Seems strange.
Schmidt: Maybe a cold shower will wake you up to some harsh financial realities, Jessica Day.
Jess: You don't control my heat, Theodore P. Gasbag.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: What is this thing?
Emma: You're gonna have to sign it before anything can happen between us.
Schmidt: "Party A absolves Party B of any psychological trauma, whether temporary, permanent, future or imagined."
Emma: After we do what we do, you're gonna want to talk. I can't allow that. The less risk I incur, the more I can focus on creating a viable sexual experience for both of us. You're gonna want to sign it.
Schmidt: "Possible exposure to lead paint." Do I have a latex allergy?
Emma: That's very important.
Schmidt: "Guaranteed mercury poisoning"?
Emma: Mm.
Schmidt: Is this real?
Emma: You have till week's end to sign it.

Quote from Jess

Marion: So why do you want to teach adults?
Jess: I think it's really inspiring that these people have chosen to go back to school, you know, that they want to read To Kill A Mockingbird, that they want...
Marion: Oh! I named my dog Boo after...
Jess: After Boo Radley?
Marion: Exactly.
Jess: That's amazing. Oh, my God.
Marion: She was a puppy.
Jess: She's so cute.
Marion: I know. Such a cutie.
Jess: [sniffles] This cup is so tiny. So cute. Sorry, how did she fit in the cup? I just don't understand. Just physically, how did she get so small? I'm sorry, um... I'm sorry, I got this... I don't know what's wrong. So weird. Never happens to me. She's really cute.
Marion: Yes, she was.
Jess: Did she die?
Marion: It's fine. It's been two years.
Jess: [sputters] [sobs] Puppy... in a... cup. [sobs] So... we're both dog people, right?

Quote from Nick

Nick: Okay. What is this place? What are you...? What would you like? What does this mean? Let's not do this. Let's not take off our clothes. Let's go back to the park where it was good... What do I know? We're taking our pants off? Okay. Keep those underwear on, am I right? Yeah. Stay on. Underwear good. [cut] Why are you cradling me like a baby, friend? This is not how guys of my generation hang out. This is a moment that got away from me, man. Oh, that's my butt. This is intimate. [sighs] How did you know? [sighs]
Tran: You are a huge baby.
Nick: Yeah, I am. I am a huge baby.

Quote from Winston

Winston: Oh, I feel you, Jess. I took a sick day. I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains.
Jess: So you gonna get this, like, every month?
Winston: I mean, it's a possibility from all the information that I've read on the Internet. That women like you are the alpha.
Jess: What?
Winston: You're like the powerful moon, and all the women in your life are just latched on to your cycle. In my case, grown-ass man.

Quote from Nick

Jess: What are you trying to do?! Kill me?!
Nick: It worked for me. I was trying to help you. I've been watching you doubt yourself for months.
Jess: I'm not doubting myself.
Nick: You're doubting yourself, Jess.
Jess: No, Nick, it's PMS.
Nick: It's not PMS. You got knocked down. It's time to get back up. And get up long enough for one of these bozos to hire you. I believe in you. So does that guy. [Tran waves]
Jess: Hey.
Nick: Think you can do that? And if you don't, I'm gonna water massage you again. Can you do that?
Jess: Yes.
Nick: Can you do that?
Jess: Yes!


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