Jess: It hurts. I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I want to murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.
Winston: You know what? I feel the same way.
Jess: Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't want to hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there. Because that's where I'm at right now. Now which one of you guys wants to tell me to get a job? Hmm? Who wants to look me in the face and tell me to get a job?

Nick: I don't think it's fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time.
Jess: You're irrationally angry 365 days a year, Nick.
Nick: What are you talking about?
[flashback to Nick struggling with a door:]
Nick: I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!
[present:]
Nick: Really? Well, that's just your personal opinion, 'cause I don't have anger issues. You guys think I have anger issues?
Schmidt: Well, I mean, I wouldn't exactly call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.
Winston: Been that way since I can remember.
[flashback to Young Nick at a lemonade stand:]
Young Nick: This is some watered-down nonsense. You're some no-good shysters!

Schmidt: Now, what are you going to do about it? How are you gonna pay the gas bill?
Jess: I don't know.
Nick: I've got an idea. Get a job.
Jess: The school year's already started. I have a lot of decisions to make as far as my résumé is concerned. I have to choose a font, spacing, columns...
Nick: Okay, just update your résumé, you ninny.

Schmidt: Well, I signed it. Please note the added provision.
Emma: In any autobiographical account of my life, you want to be referred to as Moises Perdue.
Schmidt: Non-negotiable.
Emma: But you're fine with the rest of it?
Schmidt: Look, I'm a depraved freak, and I want to wander into your Narnia of sexual terror and emerge like a freshly birthed calf.

Nick: What is your name?! I can't keep thinking of you as my magical best friend with no name. Joe. Tommy. Louis. Tran. [he smiles] Is it Tran? What a crazy guess! Beautiful name. Fits you perfectly. My roommates are killing me. Fine, you're right. Okay, I like them, all right? I hate myself. Is that what you want me to say? Why do you always have to make everything so simple?! How do you just get it? How do I become you? Show me the way, man. I'll do anything. [Tran stands up and holds his hands out to Nick] All right, man, I'm in. You lead, my man. All right, whatever is about to happen's gonna happen. [they walk away holding hands]

Schmidt: Jess, we can't keep covering for you.
Jess: Yes. I understand. It's just that, um... recently I went through a, uh, life change where I was fired. Maybe I can borrow the money from my good friend... Winston?
Winston: You know, I really wish I could, Jess, but, uh... I'm a single man now, so basically I have to be able to trick women into thinking that I can buy them stuff.

Schmidt: I met someone at work.
[flashback:]
Emma: Emma Sharpe. Divisional VP of all North America.
Schmidt: Wh-What are you doing in the break room?
Emma: This break room is in North America, isn't it? Sure. That means I'm the Vice President of it. [grabs Schmidt's face and bites his ear] I am the Vice President of everything in North America.
[present:]
Robby: That sounds like... sexual harassment.
Schmidt: Robby, there's a fine line between sexual harassment and something awesome.
Cece: I thought you hated your co-workers. You said they were a bunch of...
Schmidt: Pant-suited corporate She-Hulks? Yeah, I know what I said. Emma is the craziest woman to ever hit on me.

Winston: You have to promise me you will not laugh.
Schmidt: Look, I'm... you're not talking to Nick, here. You're talking to Schmidt.
Winston: Schmidt, I think I'm getting my period.
Schmidt: [keeping a straight face] Okay.
Winston: This is a real thing, okay? I looked it up on the Internet. It's called, uh, "sympathy PMS," right? Now, apparently this is an affliction that men suffer from all the time.
Schmidt: Right on. [stifles a giggle]
Winston: I don't know how it happened, man, but somehow, I got on that woman's cycle of menstruation... and I got that menstruation inside of me.
Schmidt: Winston! Men can't get their periods. Where would they put the tampon?
Winston: Hey! Are you calling me stupid? You're the one that's stupid, okay? You jack-faced butthole!

Winston: Oh, I feel you, Jess. I took a sick day. I just stayed at home and did a watercolor of mountains.
Jess: So you gonna get this, like, every month?
Winston: I mean, it's a possibility from all the information that I've read on the Internet. That women like you are the alpha.
Jess: What?
Winston: You're like the powerful moon, and all the women in your life are just latched on to your cycle. In my case, grown-ass man.

Schmidt: Okay, gas, electric, and cable comes out to $219.34. Jessica? Do you have anything to contribute? Here we go.
Jess: They're not all legal tenders, but they have value, like...
Schmidt: Sure.
Jess: That's $5.00.
Schmidt: $5.00.
Jess: Library card. Library's not just for books any more.
Schmidt: Mm-hmm. Library card.
Jess: Also, you can check out compact discs.
Schmidt: What else? This is a fortune.
Jess: Um, yeah.
Schmidt: "You are lucky and success." How ironic. That's going right to the gas company. "Paid in full."