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‘Where the Road Goes’ Quotes

New Girl: Where the Road Goes

704. Where the Road Goes

Aired May 1, 2018

The gang attend a memorial service for a dear friend. Meanwhile, Nick has a beef with Coach.

Quote from Winston

Winston: [ahem] It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since Furguson's departure. As you all know from my many e-mails and a sponsored tweet, I looked at Furguson as Jewish. So, in the Jewish tradition, we unveil his gravestone on the first anniversary of his passing. Furgie accomplished a lot in his time on Earth... eating, sleeping, walking around, doing that thing with his paw. You know, where he licked it a whole bunch? [chuckles] Yeah, he lived a full life. Schmidt, will you begin the service?
Schmidt: Yit'gadal v'yit'kadash sh'mei raba. Amen.
All: Amen.

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Quote from Nick

Jess: Guys, whatever it is going on between you two needs to end now, so we can go back in there and celebrate the life of a cat, who, by the way, loved you both like sons. Now, what is it? Nick, are you mad 'cause Coach said something bad about wolves? Coach, are you mad 'cause he still thinks that the movie should be called Paul Blop: Mall Cop?
Nick: It should be. It's so close to rhyming perfectly. They gave up.
Coach: Blart is an actual last name. "Blop" is a sound effect.
Nick: I need to get out of this situation before I get very angry.

Quote from Aly

Winston: Oh, my God, he's scared. Man, don't be scared.
Aly: He loves you.
Winston: Yeah, I'm here, okay? Baby, he's not wearing any tags. Which means he's a stray. Can we...?
Aly: Okay, yes, but only if you feed him from one of those bottles like in a zoo documentary, 'cause I like that, that's cute as hell.

Quote from Winston

Sam: Just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I made a casserole.
Winston: Can I have it?
Sam: Y-Yeah, that's why I brought it. Here.
Winston: Mmm.
Sam: You like my shirt? It's got cats on it.
Winston: Oh, yeah. A lot of cats on there.
Sam: You know how you like bird shirts, this one has... this one has cats.
Winston: Oh, I actually wear fish shirts now.
Sam: I'm trying so hard, man.

Quote from Winston

Jess: I'm just so sorry, and can you ever forgive me?
Winston: Jess, Furguson died of a heart attack.
Jess: What?
Winston: Yes. The coroner said nothing about glitter.
Nick: Did you say "coroner"?
Winston: Yeah, I had a coroner check him out. It was quite possibly the most bizarre of my small-time abuses of police power.

Quote from Coach

Coach: My arm's swolt.
Nick: That just means big.
Coach: No, I use it to mean sore. 'Cause "swolt" sounds like it should be about pain. It's onomatopoeia.
Nick: [mocking] "It's onomatopoeia."
Coach: That's not how I said it.
Nick: Shut up.
Coach: You shut up. You looked better a little chunky.

Quote from Jess

Nick: She's not a bad person. She just did a bad thing.
Jess: Don't try to save me, Nick. [Jess clears throat] I was catsitting at the loft and I was doing crafts that involved glitter. There was a glitter sale at Kraftwerk... the store, not the German band from the '80s. And I spilled a bowl of purple, and Furguson took a bite. And an hour later, Winston came to pick him up. And the next day, he died.
Coach: None of this rhymes.
Jess: I did a cat murder! I'm so sorry.

Quote from Jess

Jess: Um... I'm so sorry, Winston.
Winston: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jess, calm down.
Jess: I talked to a cat psychic, she said he's in a good place. But then she also said he's with the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I know that cat's a puppet. So I don't know how reliable she is.

Quote from Aly

Aly: Sorry for the holdup. Ever since I hit my third trimester, I've been having the most intense gas cramps.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Gooby! Gooby! Gooby!
Jess: Hey, Coach. So good to see you.
Coach: Good to see you.
Jess: I'm gonna need you to change, 'cause I was really specific about the dress code in the invitation.
Coach: Could I say hi to everybody first?
Jess: I don't love it, but I'll allow it.

Quote from Coach

Coach: Hey, guys! Player. Playette! Player.
Nick: Hey, Coach.
Coach: Gooby.
Winston: Coach, good to see you, man.
Coach: What kind of adult man wouldn't be here to support another adult man a year after his cat died?

Quote from Jess

Winston: Yeah, I thought it was important to have a memorial. But you can thank Jess for everything looking so amazing. It was my vision, but she ran with it.
Jess: Well, he was a good cat, he would have done the same for me.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Let me ask you a question.
Cece: Uh-huh.
Schmidt: We're at my funeral. [Cece groans] "Ka-thunk" goes my coffin. Shovel dirt, shovel dirt, shovel dirt. You wipe the schmutz off your pretty black dress, and stopwatch is ticking. How long do you wait to remarry?
Cece: I don't know, three years.
Schmidt: Three years? Three year... Not even a full presidential? Your new husband would still be finding my bobby pins in couch cushions.

Quote from Cece

Cece: And even though Ferguson walked on short legs, he stood taller than any man I have ever known. [cheering and applause] Thank you.

Quote from Coach

Aly: Nothing? No? Do you remember these?
Winston: [laughs] Furguson's baby teeth. You know, I remember when he lost these all in the same day. Yeah, got into my taffy stash, he sure did.
Coach: Oh, dip, white chocolate raisins! [spits] Those are cat teeth.
Winston: Cat teeth.
Coach: [gags]
Aly: You can tell cat teeth by taste?
Coach: Yup!

Quote from Nick

Jess: $71,000?
Nick: It happened when I got my first huge Pepperwood check. Coach wanted to open up a gym and-and I wanted to help.
Jess: All right, that checks out...
Nick: Only it wasn't a gym, it was a restaurant, "Coach's Jim." J-I-M. It was a Ruth's Chris situation. They went bankrupt before they even opened. My money was gone.
Jess: What? Coach's Jim? What kind of cuisine did they serve? And who's Jim? And why did Coach own him?

Quote from Nick

Jess: Anyway, I don't need to know all of it. Let's just, let's just get back to Furguson, okay?
Nick: I can't because this feels so good getting that off my chest. I need to tell you everything.
Jess: No, I don't need to know everything.
Nick: I know, but I want to. Here's the thing... this is one that's been bogging me down for a very long time. Sometimes I wear my boxers backwards on purpose because I really like the snugness in the front, but I also really like the ventilation in the back. That's right, I'm smushed like a fat kid's nose up against the glass of a candy store window. [coughs] That felt really good to get off my chest. What else? What else? What else? What else? What else?

Quote from Jess

Jess: Nick and I will be performing a series of rhyming couplets about our friend Furguson. [applause, whooping]
Jess: [clears throat] Furguson was a good cat, yes, indeed. [Nick is silent] Many cat lessons from his life you should heed. [Nick remains silent] With his proud lion mane and his big fluffy tail...
Nick: I mean, you think you know somebody.
Jess: He ate all his food, even if it was stale. Struttin' around with his smushed little snout. He loved playing games and he loved hiding out.
Coach: I think I still got teeth in my teeth.
Jess: Like the time that he hid in the bag we brought burgers in.
Nick: I just can't believe my girlfriend killed Furguson. [crowd gasps]
Jess: Nick.
Nick: What? Did I say it? Did I say the bad thing? I'm sorry, it just kind of came out.
Jess: [sniffles] What the man says is true. A year ago, I killed a complicated and beautiful cat named Furguson. [crowd gasps] I'm so sorry, Winston. I didn't know how to tell you.

Quote from Robby

Dunston: Let's, uh, keep this thing moving. Next up, we have, uh... uh, Robby. [applause]
Robby: Uh... Well, I was gonna do an interpretive dance as the red laser dot that Furguson loved so much, but it feels a little inappropriate in the current climate.

Quote from Winston

Jess: Oh, please let that be true. My stomach has been a brick for a year now. I had to go on probiotics.
Winston: Jess, it's true. I was with Furguson when he passed. We were in the kitchen.
Aly: Go on. Tell us. Let it out.
Winston: [sighs] So there I was, in the kitchen toasting a bagel. Furguson was on the counter, just watching. You can imagine what a human toasting a bagel must look like to a cat: pretty crazy.
Nick: Really crazy.
Winston: Yeah. So there he was, just watching me, you know. And, um... And then he got this look on his face. And then he stepped back a little. And it was in that moment that I knew something was wrong. And then he looked away, and, uh... And that was it. He was gone.
Cece: I feel like I'm living this moment.
Winston: Oh, and then the bagel was burning, so I had to throw that in the trash. [chuckles]

Quote from Jess

Jess: Hey, I'm so sorry I lied about Furguson. I just... I didn't want you to look at me differently.
Nick: Can I be honest? I think it's kind of hot that you kept that as a secret.
Jess: Really?
Nick: Yeah. Jessica Day, a murderer? Keeping murder a secret? Am I attracted to murderers?
Jess: Well, it turns out I didn't kill him, so...
Nick: But if you did, I want you to know that I'd... I'd help you bury the body. You know that, right?
Jess: Weirdly, yes, I do. I do know that.
Nick: 'Cause it could wake up, and if it did, I would just hit it over the head with a shovel and then just keep burying it in the hot desert sand.
Jess: Wait, why are we going all the way out to the desert? What's wrong with the woods?
Nick: Well, only psychos bury stuff in the woods, Jess.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? Here's my new scenario. [Cece groans] I'm in the Merchant Marines...
Cece: Stop it. I only blurted out "three years" because I don't even want to think about you being gone. I don't know what I would do without you. I would end up dragging a lawn chair out to your grave on the Fourth of July and lighting a sparkler, and Ruth wouldn't want to come with me because she would say "Mommy, Kevin's having a party, and I don't want to go to the grave again." Okay? So I'm just alone, on a chair, and I miss you.
Schmidt: I don't want you alone at my grave. That sounds terrible. I want you to be with your new husband at my grave. I want you to find someone who's gonna take care of you, who's gonna love you as much as I do.
Cece: I just want you.
Schmidt: Well, it's too late for that. I-I'm dead.
Cece: No.
Schmidt: It's a waste of time. I might as well be at the bottom of the ocean.
Cece: Stop.
Schmidt: You have to move on.

Quote from Nick

Coach: I guess I just stopped talking to you 'cause I was embarrassed.
Nick: Embarrassed with me? You've seen me trip after a shower and rug burn my penis on a towel.
Coach: [laughing] Classic Nick.
Nick: It really burned.
Coach: It was so scabby.
Nick: Yeah.
Coach: It scabbed up like crazy.
Nick: Yes, it did.
Coach: Like a grilled shrimp.
Nick: Like grilled jumbo shrimp.
Coach: Eh.

Quote from Aly

Winston: I can hear him. Don't worry, cat. I'm coming to save you.
Aly: Winston, Winston! Stop it. Babe. Babe, sit down, sit down. Winston. Baby, I love you, but these meows are in your head. Okay? It's because you haven't cried over Furguson yet, and not letting yourself have a good cry has made you a little doy-doy. You know... [strumming lips] It's made you really dumb and stupid, and you're not those things. Now is the time to let it all out. Right now, Winston. You don't have to try to be strong for me.
Winston: [crying]
Aly: Wow, those sinuses swelled up fast.
Winston: [screaming] My cat, my cat, my cat. You know, it didn't hit me at first, and then, by the time that it did, you were already pregnant, and I just wanted to be... I wanted to be the rock for this family.
Aly: Baby, if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I'm the rock in this family.
Winston: Yeah, but if you're the rock, then what am I?
Aly: You're the beautiful flower sprouting out from the rock.
Winston: I like flowers, so...
Aly: I know you do, buddy.

Quote from Winston

Winston: I think I'm gonna name him... NAFTA.
All: Aw!
Coach: I don't like it.
Woman: His name's actually Mitzi.
All: NAFTA! [laughter]
Winston: Meow! Meow!


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