Robby: Oh, man. It's a really cool group, and we have our own motto.
Robby & Jess: "I'm single and I'm sufficient."
Schmidt: That's I-S-I-S. That's ISIS.
Cece: Th-that's ISIS.
Robby: Oh, my God.
Cece: You're asking people to join ISIS.
Robby: No, n-n-n-n-n-n-no.
Jess: As communication czar I should have caught that.

Nick: What happened to you?
Schmidt: The Pepperwood Chronicles, that's what happened to me.
Nick: So it's really that bad.
Schmidt: Nick. This book... is magnificent.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Julius Pepperwood? A hard-boiled Chicago cop turned New Orleans detective, racing around on fan-boats, drowning that two-faced DA in a bucket of jambalaya.
Nick: Yeah. Right in the jambalaya.
Schmidt: Finding John F. Kennedy... alive?
Nick: That wasn't too far?
Schmidt: It's a masterpiece, Nick.

Jess: Actually, I'm gonna go with my group. We rented a van. It has a built-in microwave. We're all really stoked about it.
Schmidt: You're not making me feel any better about this group of strangers.
Jess: Well, it's not all strangers.
Robby: [enters] Some of them are friends! [laughing]
Cece: Robby?
Schmidt: My Robby?
Robby: Yeah. I got here way too early, so I've just been standing outside, kind of waiting for my opportunity to enter. How'd I do?

Schmidt: I am so excited about this glamping trip. Sleeping bags are for hobos and children.

Nick: [on the phone] What about this dumb thing? When Pepperwood just watches a block of local news.
Schmidt: Oh, I found that part to be gutting, Nick. I mean, the irony that Pepperwood's violent world is being translated into sound bites for mass consumption...
Nick: That's just me transcribing Channel 3 News! I didn't even change the anchors' names!
Schmidt: It's called realism, Nick.
Nick: No.
Schmidt: Good-bye, genius.

Nick: Well, Schmidty, you pulled a real Mr. Miyagi on the whole "no notes, tough love" routine.
Schmidt: Let me see it. Ooh! Nick, there's a whole nother chapter here! How did you make this happen?
Nick: I worked... because of you.
Schmidt: And... who is this wise, denim-clad Jewish chaplain? Sch-Schmith?
Nick: That was the big thing. You helped me realize that Pepperwood needed a Schmith.
Schmidt: Okay. While it's an honor to be included in the world that you've created here, um... [sighs] the Schmith character seems, uh, grotesque.
Nick: Yeah, he's unlikeable.
Schmidt: I don't understand why, when we meet this character, he-he's kicking a puppy.
Nick: He's the bad guy... in Pepperwood's life. He's mean, he's... He's not somebody you want to introduce to Mom and Dad.
Schmidt: The cha... the character.
Nick: Schmith is a dirt bag. I have no respect for Schmith, and neither should anybody else.
Schmidt: I think that's a mistake to say those things about the character.
Nick: I appreciate what you're saying, but I'm happy with what I have. I don't need any notes.
Schmidt: Oh, now it's no notes?! Nick? Nick?!

Schmidt: Okay, you know what? We need to make a pact to befriend at least one other married couple.
Cece: Yeah, but how are we gonna do that? We don't have a kid, and I refuse to take cooking classes.
Schmidt: I don't know. Maybe we just go to a Norah Jones concert, stand outside and look lost.

Schmidt: Is that my whiteboard?
Nick: You said I could have it.
Schmidt: Well, we both know that's not true, but if it helps you get more of this story out, then, yes, you are welcome to it.
Nick: Well, all right, Schmidt, hit me; I want your notes.
Schmidt: [knocks over whiteboard] No notes!
Nick: No notes?
Schmidt: No notes.
Nick: No notes?!
Schmidt: No notes.
Nick: No notes!
Schmidt: No notes.
Nick: No notes!
Schmidt: No notes. It's perfect, Nick. I want another chapter by the time I get back on Sunday.
Nick: Then I guess it's time for me to get to work.
Schmidt: My little wobbly-nosed Michael Chabon.

Aly: I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. You clearly didn't get my text, because your pants are still on.

Schmidt: Robby, are you in this group?
Robby: [snorts]
Jess: [laughing] Is he in the group? Robby is the founder, president, and secretary of the group.
Robby: I formed the group after Nadia dumped me.
[flashback:]
Robby: I always use two sugars. My mom says 'cause I'm so sweet, you know. [Nadia tips the table over] Oh, whoa!
[present:]
Robby: I didn't want to be alone, but I also didn't want to be in a relationship.
Jess: And that's when he got the idea to bring people together to help each other stay single.
Robby: Yeah, we meet weekly for non-romantic companionship.
Jess: But most of all, we just have fun. Like last week, we shut down this Korean barbecue. We paid with 13 different credit cards, and we were asked to never come back again. It was epic!