Jess: What about Priscilla?
Bob Day: What?
Jess: What? Come on.
Bob Day: No. No. I'm an old man. She doesn't want an old man. Look. I've got a Band-Aid on my hand. Not on the finger, the hand. That is an old-man thing.

Jess: Look, we're not in the same boat, okay? I can't move on. I love him.
Bob Day: Nick? What do you see in him? I mean, he looks like the only white waiter at a Chinese restaurant.

Aly: You ended a relationship without any confrontation. You got what you wanted.
Nick: Then why do I feel so terrible?
Aly: Maybe you feel bad because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you, and you ended it like it didn't.
Nick: Right. I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this, Aly. But I'm also glad you were here 'cause I feel like we bonded.
Aly: It was one of the most frustrating days of my entire life. I'm exhausted. I feel like a single mom in a mop commercial.
Nick: Welcome to the loft.

Schmidt: The time has finally come for me to launch my own brand.
Winston: Are you really not gonna turn around?
Schmidt: Not yet. This brand will be my legacy. [turns around] And this is where you come in.
Winston: Ooh! You had that timed right!
Schmidt: I'm going to start using my first name again.
Winston: Schmidt, I think that is a very bad idea.
Schmidt: I have no choice! When I was born, my parents gave me a name.
Winston: Don't do this, Schmidt. Ain't nothing but pain down that road.
Schmidt: It is the name that I was called for most of my life, and... I want my name back.
[Schmidt slides a name plate reading "Winston Schmidt" across the table]

Schmidt: The dream is dead. Say good-bye to the Schmidt Charitable Trust.
Cece: I don't know what that is. But is that why you were throwing lightbulbs against our garage?
Schmidt: That was unrelated.
Cece: Oh.
Schmidt: It's the foundation that I was going to establish to take the Schmidt brand to the next level, but now I can't. The name is taken.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Get a load of that.
Cece: The Schmidt Charitable Trust was established in 1948 by Cranston Schmidt to promote nudity in restaurants.
Schmidt: Cranston Schmidt and his naked waitresses. What am I supposed to do now? How can I show my peers that I make so much money that I could just throw it away on strangers?

Winston: We have tried every single variation. Fat Winston, Thin Winston. Too derogatory. Black Winston, Jew Winston. Obviously problematic. Hot Winston, Ugly Winston. No... That nearly tore us apart. Which is why we came up with the one-Winston rule.
Schmidt: Yeah, but those were angry times. Let's make it double Ws.
Winston: [exhales] Welcome back, Winston.
Schmidt: It's good to be back, Winston.

Nick: [on the phone] Fine, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'm breaking up with Reagan and it didn't quite go as planned. I'm- I'm in a really bad situation and Jess always says the right thing and I, I really need her.
Bob Day: Let me- Let me ask you a question. You're in the ocean with Jess, and a shark starts coming towards you. What do you do?
Nick: Which ocean?
Bob Day: I-I don't know, Pacific.
Nick: What type of shark?
Bob Day: What the hell difference does it make?
Nick: Well if it's a hammerhead, you just tickle it between the sideways eyes and you have a companion for life. Then you got tiger sharks, you got whale sharks, you got trumpet sharks, which I believe are a thing. If not, it definitely should be.
Bob Day: It's just a regular shark. You know what? Good-bye.
Nick: Okay, vague premise aside, I don't know what I would do, but if Jess was with me, I'm sure... I'm sure we'd be okay. She's got that giant heart that's, that's part compass and, and part flashlight and... she's just the greatest person I have ever met. Bob? Does that answer your question or what?
Bob Day: It does. Weirdly enough, it does.

Bob Day: Priscilla, come here. Come here, I want you to meet my daughter, Jessica. Remember? I told you about her. She's the one that doesn't play tennis.
Priscilla: Oh, the teacher from Hollywood. [Jess laughs]
Bob Day: Well, two rum raisin sundaes and whatever my daughter wants. [Priscilla and Bob laugh]
Priscilla: You.
Bob Day: [laughs] [quietly to Jess] Her husband fell down a spiral staircase.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He kept falling, falling, continually falling. It was awful. He didn't die. But when he found out that he had become a viral sensation... he killed himself.

Jess: You should have seen him. The only time my dad gets that nervous is when he doesn't know where to print out his boarding pass.

Reagan: [on the phone] You said that the pill sold itself, so let me ask you, is the pill a cure for a kick in the balls? Because you're gonna need it.