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‘San Diego’ Quotes

New Girl: San Diego

621. San Diego

Aired March 28, 2017

Nick wants to end things with Reagan but doesn't know how. Back in Portland, Jess finds out that Bob (Rob Reiner) is single again. Meanwhile, Schmidt considers using his first name again.

Quote from Bob Day

Jess: What about Priscilla?
Bob Day: What?
Jess: What? Come on.
Bob Day: No. No. I'm an old man. She doesn't want an old man. Look. I've got a Band-Aid on my hand. Not on the finger, the hand. That is an old-man thing.

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Quote from Bob Day

Jess: Look, we're not in the same boat, okay? I can't move on. I love him.
Bob Day: Nick? What do you see in him? I mean, he looks like the only white waiter at a Chinese restaurant.

Quote from Aly

Aly: You ended a relationship without any confrontation. You got what you wanted.
Nick: Then why do I feel so terrible?
Aly: Maybe you feel bad because your relationship with Reagan actually meant something to you, and you ended it like it didn't.
Nick: Right. I'm sorry I put you in the middle of this, Aly. But I'm also glad you were here 'cause I feel like we bonded.
Aly: It was one of the most frustrating days of my entire life. I'm exhausted. I feel like a single mom in a mop commercial.
Nick: Welcome to the loft.

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The dream is dead. Say good-bye to the Schmidt Charitable Trust.
Cece: I don't know what that is. But is that why you were throwing lightbulbs against our garage?
Schmidt: That was unrelated.
Cece: Oh.
Schmidt: It's the foundation that I was going to establish to take the Schmidt brand to the next level, but now I can't. The name is taken.
Cece: What?
Schmidt: Get a load of that.
Cece: The Schmidt Charitable Trust was established in 1948 by Cranston Schmidt to promote nudity in restaurants.
Schmidt: Cranston Schmidt and his naked waitresses. What am I supposed to do now? How can I show my peers that I make so much money that I could just throw it away on strangers?

Quote from Schmidt

Schmidt: The time has finally come for me to launch my own brand.
Winston: Are you really not gonna turn around?
Schmidt: Not yet. This brand will be my legacy. [turns around] And this is where you come in.
Winston: Ooh! You had that timed right!
Schmidt: I'm going to start using my first name again.
Winston: Schmidt, I think that is a very bad idea.
Schmidt: I have no choice! When I was born, my parents gave me a name.
Winston: Don't do this, Schmidt. Ain't nothing but pain down that road.
Schmidt: It is the name that I was called for most of my life, and... I want my name back.
[Schmidt slides a name plate reading "Winston Schmidt" across the table]

Quote from Winston

Winston: We have tried every single variation. Fat Winston, Thin Winston. Too derogatory. Black Winston, Jew Winston. Obviously problematic. Hot Winston, Ugly Winston. No... That nearly tore us apart. Which is why we came up with the one-Winston rule.
Schmidt: Yeah, but those were angry times. Let's make it double Ws.
Winston: [exhales] Welcome back, Winston.
Schmidt: It's good to be back, Winston.

Quote from Nick

Nick: [on the phone] Fine, I'll tell you, I'll tell you. I'm breaking up with Reagan and it didn't quite go as planned. I'm, I'm in a really bad situation and Jess always says the right thing and I, I really need her.
Bob Day: Let me, let me ask you a question. You're in the ocean with Jess, and a shark starts coming towards you. What do you do?
Nick: Which ocean?
Bob Day: I-I don't know, Pacific.
Nick: What type of shark?
Bob Day: What the hell difference does it make?
Nick: Well if it's a hammerhead, you just tickle it between the sideways eyes and you have a companion for life. Then you got tiger sharks, you got whale sharks, you got trumpet sharks, which I believe are a thing-- if not, it definitely should be.
Bob Day: It's just a regular shark. You know what? Good-bye.
Nick: Okay, vague premise aside, I don't know what I would do, but if Jess was with me, I'm sure... I'm sure we'd be okay. She's got that giant heart that's, that's part compass and, and part flashlight and... she's just the greatest person I have ever met. Bob? Does that answer your question or what?
Bob Day: It does. Weirdly enough, it does.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Priscilla, come here. Come here, I want you to meet my daughter, Jessica. Remember? I told you about her. She's the one that doesn't play tennis.
Priscilla: Oh, the teacher from Hollywood. [Jess laughs]
Bob Day: Well, two rum raisin sundaes and whatever my daughter wants. [Priscilla and Bob laugh]
Priscilla: You.
Bob Day: [laughs] [quietly to Jess] Her husband fell down a spiral staircase.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He kept falling, falling, continually falling. It was awful. He didn't die. But when he found out that he had become a viral sensation... he killed himself.

Quote from Jess

Jess: You should have seen him. The only time my dad gets that nervous is when he doesn't know where to print out his boarding pass.

Quote from Schmidt

Cece: There is one way that you could maybe solve your problem.
Schmidt: What?
Cece: You could use your first name.
Schmidt: What did you say?
Cece: You are not a frat boy drinking at a keg anymore, okay? You are an executive now. You're a baller.
Schmidt: I am a baller. Also, I was never allowed in frats. Too much hazing that required a visible penis.
Cece: Oh, baby.

Quote from Aly

Nick: [clears throat] Achoo! [shushes] [clears throat] Oh, you're up.
Aly: You woke me up.
Nick: Hey, do you mind if I run something by you that's very personal, very hot button?
Aly: I do, I need to rest. I'm working nights this week.
Nick: Oh, as a police officer?
Aly: No, Nick, as a prostitute. Yes, as a cop. Now will you please leave my room? I'm very tired and I need to get some rest.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Isn't this fun? Remember, we used to come here all the time, every time you won a tennis match.
Jess: That was your other daughter.
Bob Day: Oh, yeah, yeah. You-You were always in a production of Annie, but never Annie, though.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: [on the phone] You said that the pill sold itself, so let me ask you, is the pill a cure for a kick in the balls? Because you're gonna need it.

Quote from Nick

Nick: So what do you want me to do? You want me to go break up with her down in San Diego?
Aly: I don't, I don't care at this point.
Nick: Why? Because it's private?
Aly: Live your life, man.
Nick: Because the weather is really nice? And what happens if it doesn't work out? I'm just gonna go move down to Mexico and start a new life?
Aly: No one's suggesting any of this.
Nick: You're a genius. [laughs] Thank you, Aly. I knew I came to the right person. I'll do it.
Aly: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, and I feel like I should call San Diego to warn them about you. But you seem convinced, so if it gets you out of here faster, God bless.
Nick: Do you believe in God, Aly?
Aly: I believe in hell and I'm in it.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: I should have known right from the start. On our honeymoon, we're in the ocean, a-a-and Ashley sees a shark coming towards us. You know what she does? She pushes me in front of it and says, "Eat him! Eat him!"
Jess: What?
Bob Day: That-that was a clue. That was a clue.
Jess: I just hate thinking of you all alone in that house.
Bob Day: I'm fine. I got my cans. Gets me out of bed in the morning.

Quote from Reagan

Reagan: San Diego.
Nick: The wonderful San Diego.
Reagan: Where are we staying?
Nick: Not sure. Maybe we're gonna get the nicest hotel in the city, huh? Maybe you're gonna stay there, and maybe I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles today.
Reagan: I'm gonna stay in San Diego, and you're gonna go back?
Nick: Who knows what's gonna happen down there? That's the fun of a trip like this.
Reagan: Nick, you would tell me if you were gonna murder me, right?
Nick: No, 'cause then you could prepare for it, you silly.

Quote from Schmidt

Aly: Wait a minute, why does Winston...
Schmidt: Yes?
Aly: Oh, my God. Why does my Winston have to change his name? Schmidt, don't you have a middle name?
Schmidt: I do have a middle name. It's Saint-Marie.
Winston: Hmm.
Schmidt: And obviously I can't go by that.
Aly: That's hilarious.

Quote from Aly

Aly: I used to live by myself. I had covered parking, I was happy.

Quote from Aly

Schmidt: I'm Winston. I'm Winston.
Winston: Nah, I'm Winston. Ah, I'm Winston.
Aly: Yet, somehow, all the Michaels in the world manage to deal with this every day.
Cece: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Nick

Aly: Hey, so Reagan's in your room, packing up her stuff. What'd you say to her?
Nick: Nothing. I-I didn't say anything. I just, uh, crawled out from under the bed where I was hiding. She said, "It's over," which makes sense, and then I came in here, and this is now my fifth beer in as many minutes.
Aly: I'm impressed.
Nick: No, you shouldn't be. I once drank nine beers in five minutes.
Aly: I hear that cry for help, but I meant the breakup.

Quote from Winston

Schmidt: What do you want?
Winston: To be your friend. If you need the name Winston to get you to where you're going, then... I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Schmidt: You're a good friend. Uh, uh, what will I call you?
Winston: Well, I was gonna give Saint-Marie a whirl, but then I was like, nah, that's a girl's name. And I thought about Two-Shoes.
Schmidt: Two-Shoes.
Winston: Two-Shoes, yeah. But then, in certain shoes that I have, I have three of them, so... so I'm just gonna stick with The Bish.

Quote from Bob Day

Bob Day: Hey, hey, Jess, Jess! I've been trying to call you. I-I talked to Nick.
Jess: What?
Bob Day: He called looking for you, and... you know, oddly, I-I see what you see in him.
Jess: It doesn't matter. He has a girlfriend.
Bob Day: He and Reagan broke up. And you know something? I don't even think he realizes it, but he's still in love with you.


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